Start Over 10

Author's Note:

Maraming salamat sa patuloy na pagsubaybay sa aking kuwento.

Kay red-orange, MPofPasig, Jihi, Poch, Kris, Raymart Forjes, Raffy Asuncion, Jed, gabT., Rye Evangelista, macmac, Russ, Maki, Ken.. Thank You Po ng Marami :)

Sa aking paboritong si Bing, Ingat ka lagi. Namimiss na ikaw ni Kuya Lex. :D

Happy Birthday sa Mama mo :)

Happy Reading Guys.. Enjoy lang po tayo..

Mahal ko kayo, 

Please visit my own blog: http://alexander0506chua.blogspot.com

Facebook: shoot me an email at alexanderchuablog@gmail.com

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"J-JM?" utal kong sagot. Dali dali ko namang inalis ang kamay ni Ty sa aking balikat at nilapitan siya.  Hindi ito sumagot at nakatitig lang sa akin. I can see questions running in his head, I can feel pain in his eyes, I know exactly what it is like to be on his situation, coz I was once there, but I can see he's trying to hide it behind his smile. 

"Wha- what are you doing here?" utal kong tanong, but still, I didn't get a response like he's trying to hold himself together. He smiled and I felt pain.  I can't seem to look straight to his eyes, I can't believe I am making him feel this way, he smiles like a broken hearted soul, he smiles like a crying angel. And God, he smiles like his World and dreams just vanished to nothing. 

"Insan!!" sigaw ni jek, lumapit ito sa amin at niyakap ang kanyang pinsan. Ngumiti ito at niyakap din si jek. Napayuko ako, I don't know what to do, I don't know how to approach JM anymore. Tinignan ko ito but he's just giving me a blank stare. "I never wished this to happen, JM. " bulong ko sa aking sarili.

Hanggang sa naramdaman ko ang kamay ni Tyler sa aking ulo at ginulo gulo ang buhok ko. I looked at him at pansin ko rin ang pilit nitong ngiti, I can see the difference, I can see that he's hiding something off inside. Pinilit ko rin ngumiti.

"we're goin' home, I'll see you when I see you.." He chuckeled. Tumango lang ako, and I waved my hand to his friends para mauna na sila. Tumalikod na itong si Ty at nagsimulang maglakad palayo.

"Dude, you're barking up the wrong tree.." bulyaw ni JM kay Ty. Nagulat ako sa mga sinabi nito. From a poker face to a mad wolf. His eyes are burning in red, and I can feel how angry he feels inside. Pinilit itong pakalmahin ni jek, pero parang batang tinulak lang niya ito.

"Look man, I don't know who you are, but you have clearly got the wrong end of the stick" sagot nitong si Ty. Para akong nasemento at natulala.

"Well, I am his man" sabay turo sa akin. "And looks like you're clearly not aware that he has one" dagdag nito.

"Oh my bad, you must be JM? the man who CHEATED on him..haha Look, I don't give a damn whether your his man or what. You two, just keep your thing yourselves coz I've got no time for this. Pathetic homos."  sagot nito. Halos gusto kong sumabog sa mga narinig ko. After all that we did? Putang ina.

"you've got no time for this? but you have all the time to wrap your body around him." si JM.

"Man, I do things because I want it to, I don't have to ask for your permision, do I? It's me who gets to decide whatever I want..."

"and you can have all you want because you want it to, right? What are you? the God? You must be kidding me..."

"if you're trying to bring up something, be a man! Say it straight to my face, you fucking asshole.."

"Don't mess with Alex, he's mine!"

"hahahahaha are you fucking kidding me? Do I look like a gay to you? He's all yours and that is if he still wants to." sagot ni Ty.

"you don't  have to look one to be one, it's your actions that make you gay and when you sneak hit with someone else's man? that makes you even more.."

"tell you what, it's all in your mind dude.. ask him.. he's the one who keeps on sniffing on my tail like a bitch.. I'm just being friendly and If.."  sabay lapit nito kay JM at tinapik sa balikat na parang nang-iinsulto, "...If being friendly makes me gay, then I must be the Queen of all Gays.." sabay halakhak nito.. Hindi na sumagot pa itong si JM at pinakawalan ang isang suntok sa mukha nitong si Tyler. Lahat nagkagulo, hinila ni Joy si Ty at nilayo, ang ibang kaibigan naman nito'y humarang at tinulak si JM. Hindi nagpatalo itong si Tyler, tinulak niya si Joy at sumugod kay JM. Bago pa man ito makabawi nang suntok, tinulak ko si JM palayo at hinarang ang aking sarili, dumampi ang kamao nito sa aking kaliwang pisngi at dahil siguro sa laki ng kamay nito, tumama din sa gilid ng aking labi na siyang ikinaputok nito. I heard Joy scream. I heard jek call my name. I heard Ty say "No...no.." but I can't feel his fist, I can't feel his hit. Mas masakit ang naramdaman ko inside. Mas masakit ang mga narinig ko.  All this time, laro lang pala lahat. All this time, lahat pala ng nangyari'y dahil friendly lang siya. All this time, he just finds me a sad kid in need for someone to hang out with. All this time.. Aaargh! Inayos ko ang aking sarili mula sa bahagyang pagkaupo and spitted out the blood from my lips. Gustong gusto nang kumawala ng mga kanina ko pang pigil na pigil na mga luha, but god damn it, this is not the time to be weak. "Suck it up, lex.." my mind.

Dali dali akong inakbayan ni jek. Pinilit kong ngumiti, but I can see he's worried like hell. He tried to touch my lips pero iniwas ko lang ang aking mukha. Tinanggal ko ang kamay nito sa aking balikat, at humarap kay JM.

"Ikaw, you are the reason why I left my life back there, and here you go again, trying to make my new life even more complicated. Why can't you just stay in the past? I thought I have made myself clear the last time we talked, we're better off as friends. Okay, I get it, I told you I still love you and I still do, applause for you,  but that won't change the fact that you cheated on me. Please don't say we're still together, coz we're not. We're long way over and We're just, JUST friends, keep that in mind." Hindi ko na inantay pang sumagot ito o makapag react man lang. Tumalikod ako at humarap sa grupo ni Tyler, napabuntong hininga ako.

"And you, you selfish dick.Okay, you made your point, I understand, you're not gay. Congratulations! You must be so damn proud of it. Aren't you? Does that make you a lil superior or something? Coz I swear, I am willing to kneel before you, you arrogant swank. You know what's making me mad right now? I trusted you with my past and my life and you're just gonna make fun of it like that? Shame on you!  And Sniffing your fucking tail like a fucking dog, huh? You almost got me puked. Stop lying Ty, just stop! I hope that someday, you eat all of your words and you get tired of hiding what you REALLY feel inside,  of WHO the fuck you really are, and when that time comes? I'm gonna laugh at you like a bitch..." Yumuko ito at hindi makatingin sa akin. Inakbayan ako ni jek, pero tinanggal ko ulit ito. Humakbang palapit itong si Joy, pero sinenyasan ko lang na huwag.

"Lex, lo- look...I dont..."  utal nitong sagot.

"just STOP, I don't want to hear any more lies and crap out of your fucking mouth. You're full of shits!  I dont want you near me and I don't want you talking to me... Let's just keep this distance...Okay?"

Tumalikod ako at nagmadaling tumakbo palayo. Bawat tapak ng aking paa sa lupa ay siya namang pagpigil ko sa mga luhang namumuo sa aking mga mata. "god damn it lex, hold yourself together and suck the fuck up. Aren't you tired of always crying like a kid? Grow up and be a man!" bulyaw ko sa aking sarili. Narinig ko ang pagtawag sa akin ni jekjek, but sorry,  I just want to be alone right now. Tinungo ko ang parking lot at pinaharurot ang sasakyan.

Just when I thought that everything's finally getting better, saka pa nangyari 'to. Okay na eh, I'm starting to smile again , tapos... tapos... tapos.. Aaargh! Putang ina talaga! Ang sakit pala once you find out that everything you believed in is just a lie, lalo pa't you got yourself fall for it. Parang nauulit lahat ang sakit, hindi, nadodoble pala.

Hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupunta, ayoko muna umuwi. I need to go somewhere. Bahala na. My eyes are on the road but my mind's driving somewhere else.The road's going North and shit, I can't think of a specific place to hide. 

Hanggang sa mapansin kong nasa tapat na pala ako ng isang kilalang Mall sa Tarlac. Huminto ako at pinark ang sasakyan. Pumasok ako sa isang kilalang coffee shop to relax, and the fuck, walang puwesto, all seats are taken. Tumungo ako sa isang convenience store at bumili nang half a dozen beer in a paper box. I went back to my car and drive again. Now, I just have to find a place to clear my mind and get wasted.

The sky's getting dark now, and yet I'm still driving. Kumuha ako ng isang bote and started to drink. As I drive to nowhere, everything flashes back. Tyler's gotten me believe that he cares, that he's into me, that he did what he did because he liked it, that somehow he feels something, but he lied, he lied straight to my face. Everything's a lie. Everything about him is a lie. 

Hininto ko ang kotse sa isang community park. I see teenagers playing in skateboards, girls singing and laughing. I opened the car and let the music out. Napalingon ang mga nasa park. I got out of the car and sat in the trunk. I heard girls giggling their heart out. Napangiti ako. I lit a cigarette and drink another bottle of beer.

Then I felt my phone inside my pocket shaking, I took it out and saw Jek's calling. Sigh.

"Oh?" una kong bati.

"Asan ka?" tanong nito.

"jek, I want to be alone...."

"Please naman oh..." pakiusap nito pero pinatay ko lang ang tawag. After a few seconds, his name appeared on my phone again, tumatawag ulit ito.

"jek... please..."

"kung ayaw mong pag-usapan ang mga nangyari, hayaan mo man lang sanang samahan kita.." sagot nito. Na-touch naman ako sa mga sinabi nito, tama siya, being alone right now is definitely not a good idea, it'll be better if I have someone on my side who understands and who knows exactly what I am going through. Sinabi ko sa kanya kung asan ako, dali dali naman itong nagpaalam at nagsabing magco-commute nalang siya since wala naman siyang sasakyan, binalaan ako nitong huwag ako aalis kung asan man ako. Pumasok ako ulit sa loob ng kotse and continued to drink. I can see through the windshield, the girls waving their hands and still giggling like bitches. Napangisi ako. I opened the window and lit up another cigarette. I turned off the stereo and heard them talking in their native dialect.

"asla artista aya.." says one of 'em.

"nagpudaw sunan, naguwapo aya?" asks the other one.

"asitgamman ken alaem number na.." utos ng isa sabay tawa na parang natatae.  Napangiti ako, buti nalang Ilokano si Rotsen at may mga natutunan ako sa kanya. I smiled back at them and waved my hand, na lalo namang ikinasigaw ng mga 'to na animo'y parang mga putang kambing sa landi.

Past 7 na nang magtext si jek na malapit na raw ito. Ni-replyan ko naman at sinabi ang eksaktong lugar kung saan ako nag-park. Nagbukas ulit ako ng isang bottle, my 4th. I'm already feelin' tipsy but I can still feel the hatred, anger and pain inside. I looked myself at the mirror and holy christ, my lower lip's swollen. Hinawakan ko ito and shit, ang hapdi at ang sakit. This is the first time  that I got punched in my whole life, and si Tyler pa talaga ang gagawa nito.

"Hindi naman sinasadya ni Tyler eh, he didnt know na magpapaka-Spiderman ka at sasaluhin ang suntok nito. And what I think about what happened earlier, Tyler was just provoked by JM. You know him, he says and does things recklessly. Give him a chance, you two should talk, alone. #teamTYLER" pagsingit ng aking isipan.

"Hell-fucking-No! If he really feels something for you, then that was the best time to let everyone know. It just shows that he lied about everything and played you like a fucking whore. And you know what you should do?you talk to JM. You let him down so bad. You can't blame him if he assumed things. You had your chance before, but you promised him things. JM loves you so much, and he's not afraid of admiting it to anyone else. #teamJM" says the other side.

Nasa ganoon akong pagmumuni when suddenly someone opened the door. Si Jek.

"Lipat ka sa kabila.." utos nito. Wala naman ako nagawa at lumipat sa upuan tabi ng driver's seat at umupo rin ito sa nauna kong puwesto. Inagaw nito ang sigarilyo sa aking kamay at tinapon. Kinuha nito ang bote ng alak sa aking kaliwang kamay, at ininom. Pagka-ubos na pagka-ubos nang pang-apat na bote, he started the engine at nag-drive.

"jek, whe- where the fuck are we goin?" lasing kong tanong.

"uuwi na tayo, tignan mo nga sarili mo.."

"Nah.. mamaya na.. let's go somewhere.. some....where..  burrrrrrrrrrrp!!!" Napatawa ako. Tumawa rin ito habang nagmamaneho.

"Nag-aalala na si manang, pumunta kasi ako kanina sa bahay niyo, sabi niya i-uwi na raw kita."

"nah... si nanay cleng talaga, hindi na ako bata, hindi rin ako babae para mag-inarte siya nang ganyan, I can do whatever I want because I AM THE FUCKING KING OF THE WORLD!" pasigaw ko sa labas ng bintana,sabay tawa. Napangisi lang itong si jek. Tahimik.

Tahimik pa rin.

Tinignan ko ito, seryoso ang itsura. Nakatingin lang sa daan. I turned on the stereo pero pinatay lang din nito after a few seconds. I grabbed another bottle at tamang tamang itatagay ko na sana nang inagaw nito mula sa aking kamay and fuck the barney, the purple dinosaur, the drink spilled on me.

"HOLY SHIT!!!" sigaw ko.Tumawa lang ito. Tinignan ko ito nang masama but he just laughed at me. I took off my shirt and pants, my shoes, leaving my boxer short. Napatingin ito at ngumisi.

"What?!??" tanong ko dito sabay harap. And again, I didnt get a response but a weird look from head going down. Awkward!

Tahimik ulit.

Inabot nito ang isang bote, napangiti ako at hinablot agad ito. Minutes later, iniinom narin niya ang last bottle.

"Wanna grab some more ?" tanong ko. Umiling lang ito at hindi pa rin nagsalita. Tahimik kong ininom ang alak. Sumandal ako sa upuan at tumalikod kay jek.

"jek..?" tanong ko, wala parin itong sagot.

"why are you not talking to me?"

"did I do something wrong?" sunod sunod kong tanong pero wala parin itong sagot. Hindi ko na napigilang maiyak.

"jek, ang sakit sakit pala...." sunod kong sambit at napahagulgol na ako lalo. 

Ramdam ko ang biglaang pagtigil nang kotse, at ang init nang kanyang palad sa aking balikat. Hinila ako nito paharap sa kanya at niyakap. At sa mga bisig nito ko pinakawalan ang kanina pang sakit na aking nadarama. I cried it out loud, the hatred, the betrayal, the anger, the pain that are eating me alive. I am so close to my plan, I finally see myself at the end of the tunnel, then the road just rolled down and put me back to where I start, feeling miserable and wasted. Life is a bitch, the more you try, the harder you cry. Once you win, then you lose. It's a fucked up cycle of never-ending consequences.

"Sige, iiyak mo lang 'yan lex" bulong nito habang hinahaplos ang aking likuran. Tumagal ang yakap nang ilang minuto.

"Thank you jek...."

"Sssshhh... " tanging dagdag nito sabay haplos sa buhok ko.

Kumawala ako sa pagkakayakap nito and looked at him. His eyes are like valley of hopes. His smile's one of those that makes you shiver to bones. His look re-assures everything's gonna be alright, soon. His positivity is glowing out of his skin. This man's incredible. He may have this bad boy look that's like he doesnt care anything at all, but his soul's like Angel's. Pure and touching.  I smiled.

"ayan, ayan dapat, ngiti lang.. para laging guwapo." sabay kurot sa aking pisngi. Napailing nalang ako, I can't believe he can be this cheezy and old fahioned when it comes to helpin' someone out. Tsk.

Maya maya, lumabas ito nang kotse. Sinundan ko ito nang tingin at pumasok si jek sa isang convenience store. Napakunot noo ako. "hmm ano kaya bibilhin nun?" tanong ko sa aking sarili. Paglabas ni jek, may dala dala na itong another set of beers. Napailing ako. "This man's cool..No, He's awesome!!" bulong ko ulit. Hindi ito pumasok sa loob at bagkus, kumatok lang ito sa bintana at sumenyas na lumabas ako.

Dali dali kong sinuot ang pantalon ko, but not my shirt, basam basa pa ito ng alak. Bahala na, lumabas ako ng kotse, topless and just wearing my pants and socks. Nasa gilid kami ng kalsada, tapat ng isang convenience store, buti nalang we're on one of those dark side roads so only a few cars pass by. Sumandal kami sa gilid ng sasakyan at sinimulang uminom. I looked up at the night sky. The moon's not that appealing, the stars are like shining but I can't seem to appreciate. I wished they just go away, or shut their fucking bright off, they just remind me of that night with the man who makes me feel what I feel right now. Sigh. Inom ulit.

"Hindi naman dapat pag nagsimula ka, dapat may bago ring pag-ibig. Mas maganda siguro kung simulan mo muna sa sarili mo. Ayusin mo muna ang lahat." payo nito. Napatango lang ako. He's damn right again, I gotta start thinking about myself, this fucked up thing that we call life is not all about Love. There are things that we have to think first, things that we must do to a better us. Right there, I closed my eyes and promised myself,

"I gotta stop chasing love, I'm gonna start thinking about my future, my studies and be a successful with my dreamed career.." I smiled. Parang naramdaman naman ni jek ang mga pinangako ko, at tinapik ako sa balikat at inakbayan. I looked at him and he's smiling like his mind's telling me, "I'm always here..". Napangiti rin ako.

Nang-matapos namin maubos ang binili nito, sumakay na kami ulit sa kotse at umuwi na. Halos hindi ko mabukas ang aking mga mata sa sobrang lasing. This is one hell of a day, and the for the record, tonight's the night I had the most numbers of bottles I drunk. I'm feeling 360, I mean, my World's like Aling Dionisia's Reking Bull, spinning 'round and 'round and 'round... "burrrrrrrrrrppppp! Oppss!" Natawa ako, natawa rin itong si jek. I turned on the stereo at sinabayan ko ang kanta. Patuloy sa pagtawa itong si jek, he seems relieved and he looks happy as if he had completed his mission. Sabay kaming kumanta.

Can we pretend that airplanes

In the night sky are like shooting stars?

I could really use a wish right now

Wish right now

Wish right now

Can we pretend that airplanes

In the night sky

Are like shooting stars?

I could really use a wish right now

Wish right now

Wish right now

Tawanan kami, lalo na't nabubulol bulol pa itong si jek habang kumakanta. He turned off the stereo when we're back to the main road. Pft! Tahimik ulit. Sumandal ako sa upuan at hindi ko na napigilang mapaidlip.

Naramdaman ko ang pagtigil nang kotse, I felt jek open the door and pulled me out of the car. He put my arm on his shoulder at inalalayan ako nito papasok. I heard Nanay cleng murmuring alien words while opening the gate, nag-hi nalang ako dito para lalong galitin. haha. I heard her asking jek na iakyat ako sa kuwarto, bumitiw ako sa pagkaka-akbay at tinulak ito palayo. "I'm not drunk, kaya ko 'to, ako pa. Haym Shhtttrrrooong!" pinilit kong maglakad pero the fuck, my legs like crashed and I can't move 'em straight, napa-subsob ko. I heard them laughing at me. Napatawa na rin ako. Hinila ako patayo ni jek at inalalayan ulit papasok nang bahay. Hinang hina na talaga ako at lasing na lasing. 

Habang inaakyat ako ni jek sa kuwarto, hindi ko naman makalimutan ang kantang pinagsaluhan namin kanina, kaya with all force, and for everyone's sake, sumigaw ulit ako...one more time..

Can we pretend that airplanes

In the night sky are like shooting stars?

I could really use a wish right now

Wish right now

Wish right now

Tawanan kami. Pati itong si Nay Cleng, rinig na rinig ko ang pagtawa. Ihiniga ako ni jek sa aking kama, napadapa ito at napapatong sa akin when I pulled him to me. The position's quite familiar, but I have way decided to forget all of him. Hinawakan ko ang pisngi nang aking matalik na kaibigan at nginitian. 

"I am so damn happy I have you in my life, jek. I can let everyone go away, but not you. Thank you." I smiled. Hindi ito sumagot at dali daling tumayo at binawi ang sarili mula sa aming posisyon. Ngumiti ito sa akin at tumalikod. Lumabas ito nang kuwarto habang kumakanta ulit. 

Can we pretend that airplanes

In the night sky are like shooting stars?

I could really use a wish right now

Wish right now

Wish right now

Napangisi ako. Mukhang lasing narin ito. Hanggang sa labas ng kuwarto, naririnig ko ang pasigaw nitong kanta. Sira Ulo.

Pinilit kong bumangon at tinungo ang banyo. I'm feeling different. I feel something's trying to breeeeaaaakkk ooouut.. Napasuka ako sa bowl. Hindi ko na napigilan ang aking sarili. Napaupo ako sa hilong nadarama at pagpilit na ilabas lahat.

Tumayo ako at nagsipilyo, the taste of it still lingers inside my mouth. It's like hell, soaked in a bitter cream. I heard jek knocking on the door. 

"ayos ka lang diyan?" si jek, bumalik pala ito nang kuwarto. Hindi ako sumagot at hinubad ko ang suot after magsipilyo. Binuksan ko ang shower at naligo. The water's cold, and relaxing. I kneaded my hand against my face down to my neck, going down to my chest. Umupo ako sa sahig at hinayaang bumuhos ang tubig sa aking katawan. I want everything that I'm feeling inside, be washed away. I want it to clean my heart and make me forget that I once cried over him. I want nothing from him anymore and I am now ready to think myself and start over with nothing but JUST myself. 

I heard jek's still knocking on the door, pero hindi ko ito pinansin. Until I heard the door opened, and a few steps approaching. Hinila ko ang shower curtain para takpan ang aking sarili. I felt his hand on my arm and pulled me to stand up. I looked at him and Jesus Christ, I see Tyler. Napatayo ako agad, I closed my eyes and opened it back. I can't be wong, Tyler's standing in front of me and staring back at me. He's smiling and naughtily biting his own lip. 

"Wha-what the?" -me, stuttering. 

He didn't answer but just smiled. Basa narin ito sa tubig. Aaargh! I secretly bit the tip of my tounge to wake myself up in case I am just dreaming, but he's still right in front of me. Smiling like a devilish god, staring and seducing me with his eyes coated with condoms and moan. I didn't know what I was thinking. I pulled his shirt, so he'll get closer to me. Nilapit ko ang mukha ko until our lips are like a dot away, he slightly opened his mouth, giving way for me to smell his life. And I didn't just smell his life, I smell his everything. This is not true, this is not happening, next thing I learn, my lips already playing badminton with his lips. I felt the thirst and crave. Our lips are like parallel lines jumping over one another. I put my hands on his nape so he wont get away, and he wrapped his arms around me. I felt his manhood rubbing against mine. I felt 2000 volts ran through my veins as his life consumes mine. I released my hands from his nape and tried to take off his shirt. Napakunot noo ako, I remember this shirt. Jesus, tyler's wearing the same shirt as jekjek. Pagkatanggal na pagkatanggal ko nang damit nito, OH MY GOD!, bumungad sa akin ang mukha ng aking matalik na kaibigan, si Jek.