Start Over 14

Author's Note:


Here's the next chapter of the START OVER. Sana po magustuhan niyo. Thank you ng marami sa mga sumusuporta sa aking kuwento. Sorry napapabagal na ang pag-update, medyo busy po kasi sa work.
Again, thank you so much.




Enjoy Reading Guys.




Mahal ko kayo, 
Alexander Chua





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He moved so fast and brushed his lips against mine. I tried my best to get him off but he just won't let me. His lips are so soft like newly made strawberry jellies. I can taste its sweetness.  I closed my eyes and the World disappeared. Nothing else mattered. No one else existed, just the car, him, me and the rain.  I can feel my heart jumping in and out like dancing for whatever reasons. I hear the sound of the silver liquid drops, and the gentle creek bubbling makes it even better. I hear the rain sings to a romantic melody as the clouds playing cupid. The feeling is inexplicably beautiful. Hinawakan ko ang kamay nito sa aking mukha and slightly opened my mouth to give way to his conquest. I have never imagined myself in this situation again. I have tried so hard to keep and deny this from myself. I have promised to be sure of something before doing anything. But why do I feel different now? Why do I feel myself wanting this and enjoying his lips? Why do I let my heart override my brain? I have been building my walls before me, but he easily just smashed 'em off. I opened my eyes and saw myself kissing him back, hot and hardly. He released himself to part our lips but I held his nape and pulled him back, giving our lips another shot of kisses and lusts. Our lips are moving in one sensuous rhythm, intensely and urgently. Our lips are in unison,  shifting to one and kissing our hearts out. I stopped, he stopped. I looked at him and his soft brown eyes already locked on mine. I rested my head on his forehead. I can feel his warm breath and short gasps as he exhales them to my mouth. He pulled back and gave me that smile, the smile that caught my heart since the first time I laid my eyes on him. He ran a fingertip from my forearm to my neck, up to my cheek until he cupped my face with his hand, his thumb running back and forth along the curve of my cheekbone like the wings of a butterfly. It left me a trail of goosebumps blooming in their wake. I nestled into his hand, feeling his warmth soul. He, again, kissed me, passionately and full of hunger and desire.  His minty mouth invades mine like one of the Lords of the Seven kingdoms buying for the Iron Throne. He then headed South and kissed my jawline in a erotic manner. He started kissing then lightly licking in small, slow cirlces, making me the hardest man I could ever be. He marched down and licked my neck like a Lion lapping cream.  He pushed the recliner to make me lie down and to rest my back. He then moved on top of me in a crawling position, smirking, before crashing his soft lips onto mine again.   He slowly undid each button of my shirt until he sees my soul. I can feel his crotch rubbing against my shaft and God, the feeling of it makes me forget everything and moan like a wolf under the crest moon. I can feel his manhood getting more and more defined. I can imagine what's hiding under his jeans and I know I am not wrong when I thought of it larger than Life. He suckeled my neck down to my chest. His lips-brushed-against-my-skin is really something incredible. He knows exactly  how to make me shiver to orgasms and eternal bliss. Inabot ko ang kamay ko sa polo nito and tried to unbutton his shirt. He naughtily smiled like asking for a permision to go down and dig a lil'l deeper. I smirked the way he asked for it. I nodded and freely gave him my soul. He brushed again his lips against my chest and then... 

"may problema po ba?" tanong ng isang boses, sabay katok sa bintana ng kotse. Nagulat ako at bigla kong tinulak itong si Ty. Dali dali naman itong bumalik sa pwesto at nag ayos ng sarili. Fuck, I'm half naked. Mabilis pa sa alas kuwarto ko nilagay ang mga butones ng aking polo. Nakarinig ulit kami ng katok. Buti nalang the window's dimmed and darkish so no one can really see whatever's happening inside. I rolled down the window, and saw a traffic enforcer. Pansin ko ang pagka-taranta nitong si Tyler na animo'y di niya alam ang gagawin at sasabihin.

"Sir, pasensiya po, tumirik kasi." palusot ko.

"Ty, try it again. Start the engine.." baling ko kay Tyler. Kunwari pa iling iling naman itong si Ty and then he started the again. Parang nanalo ito sa lotto at pumalakpak pa ng marinig ang makina. "what a lame act" says my mind.

"sir, Ayos na po pala. Pasensiya po ulit." pakiusap ko sa traffic enforcer,

"ah ganoon ba bossing"

"sige po sir.. Salamat. " paalam ko.

At pinaandar na nitong si Ty ang sasakyan at nagdrive. Napapailing ito sa tawa. Hindi ko rin maiwasan ang mapangiti. Of all places, sa gitna pa talaga ng daan. And the fuck that I let him do what he did. " what were you thinking bitch? you're supposed to be mad and keeping the distance, but instead you let your guards down and let his tounge savor your skin." says my mind. Maya maya pa, walang nagsasalita. Tahimik. Tumila narin ang pagbuhos ng ulan. The sky's dark now and I can hear frogs warbling to joy. 

"Ty..."

"hmmm?"

"Please take me home. I really don't want to go. Please?" pakiusap ko habang nakayuko.

"even just for a few hours. I promise to drive you home after."

"I'm tired... please..."

"give me one good reason why you don't want to go.."

Hindi nalang ako nagsalita. Feel ko pagod na pagod ako. Hinayaan ko nalang siya, bahala na. I stared out of the window and shut myself off. I'm tired of arguing things with this creep. Besides, he doesn't listen, he doesn't take my words, he does everything he wants. 

"guess that answers it all.." his last words before I closed my eyes. I didn't actually sleep,  I just wanted to take my eyes off him. I don't want to see him driving, I don't want to see his face, his smile because the longer I lay my eyes on him, the easier my walls get broken. And I don't want that, I have worked so damn hard to keep this thing inside and hide it to the deepest hole ever.  

I felt the car stopped. I opened my eyes and we're already in front of their place, in Marisol. Gusto kong sumigaw sa inis pero wala narin ako magawa. I feel like I am drained, tired and my body's going down. Something's wrong. I can feel my eyes tepid and my breath's heavy. He stepped out of the car and walked around to open the door for me.

"We're here.." bati nito. Hindi ako sumagot and gave him a blank stare. Inabot nito ang kanyang kamay pero di ko ito kinuha at lumabas ako ng kotse. Basa parin ang suot ko, and so as his. Hindi ko alam paano ako haharap sa mga kaibigan nito sa itsura ko. Para akong basang pokpok na ni-rape sa eskinita. Gustong gusto ko siyang suntukin sa inis, gustong gusto kong umuwi nalang at matulog pero I guess, wala na talaga akong choice.  Napabuntong hininga ako. Pinagbuksan kami ng gate ni Joy at dali dali nito akong niyakap.

"I'm glad you can join us.." she said. Pinilit kong ngumiti. Napansin nito ang basa naming suot ni Ty at napatawa lang sa itsura namin. Pinapasok kami sa loob para makapagbihis. Pagkapasok ko sa loob, halos mamatay ako sa kahihiyan. Hindi lang pala silang magkakaibigan kundi pati pala ibang mga kaklase namin at ibang schoolmates. Shit! Nakakahiya tlaga ang itsura ko. I heard some calling my name, saying Hi, saying they're glad to see me here. Poooosh! Napayuko ako. Then I felt Ty's hand and pulled me to his room. Wala akong nagawa kundi parang asong sumunod nalang. 

Here I am, AGAIN, in his room. Parang walang nagbago. Everything looks the same. Napalingon ako sa kama nito and I remember the last time I laid my back against it. I remember every single thing that happened before. I smiled and I can feel my heart starting to bet for another race. I looked at ty and he's busy looking for something inside of his closet. Alam kong naghahanap ito ng masusuot. Nakatayo lang ako sa likod ng pintuan at inantay 'to. Kinapa ko ang under garment ko and thank God, hindi 'to basa. I pulled my phone out of my pocket, buti nalang di rin 'to nasira. Inabot nito ang isang short at white plain shirt. Kinuha ko naman ang mga 'to at tinungo ang banyo. Dali dali akong naghubad at nag-shower narin. Pagkatapos kong maligo at magbihis, bumungad agad sa akin itong si Tyler, mukhang katatapos din nitong maligo. He looks gorgeous in yellow sando and khaki short. He's on his bed, leaning his back against the wall. He smiled when our eyes meet, but I didn't answer him back. Umupo ako sa gilid ng kama.

"Something wrong?" he initiated. Hindi parin ako kumibo. I felt his hand on my shoulder pero tumayo ako bigla. I'm really not feeling okay. I feel so tired of eveything. I am tired arguing things with him, I am tired of  fighting for myself, making my excuses, I'm tired of defending myself, hiding eveything. I am so tired of trying so hard to build this fucking wall. I am tired of giving it up easily when I'm near him.  I am tired and I feel pity for myself. I feel sorry for myself.

Lumabas ako nang kuwarto at nakihalubilo sa mga kaklase namin. I can see how happy they talk and mess around. Some are dancing their asses to the ground, some are laughing, singing, and jumping their hearts out to excitement. The music's loud and the house is perking its way up to sex and ecstacy. I can feel the smoke but I just don't appreciate it right now. I am really not myself. I grabbed a bottle of beer and a stick of cigarette. I walked out of the place and lit it up. Napabuntong hininga ako.

"Small World" pang gulat ng isang boses. I turned my head around and saw this guy's smiling. I remember him, the hottie and sporty, charming yet married President of the Student Council, Andrew Garcia.

"Hey Boss.." I replied.

"Oh Cut it off man, I ain't your boss.." he pleaded. I smiled.

"I didn't know you and Mr. Green are friends.."

"we're not... trust me.." I said. He chuckled.

" how 'bout you? I didn't know you and these people are friends.."

"Joy's in the council too."

"I could use that excuse.."

"haha you are funny.." he said. Hindi na ako sumagot at ngumiti nalang.  Napatingin ako sa taas. Kanina lang, the sky's crying silver drops but now, I can see the stars shining their spirits out. I can see 'em moving and shaking like they want to join the party inside. Yet the moon's cold and lonely. It's like she knows what I'm feeling inside. Sigh. Napainom ako ng alak.

"they say, If a person keeps on staring at the sky , he's hurting inside."  he said. 

"and why is that?" tanong ko.

"they say, when you look above and stare at those little stars, it's like you're wishing you're in somewhere else, that you're not where you are right now.."

"that sucks.." pangontra ko.

"I know right.. especially, when you're with me, whereelse would you like to be?"

"now, i'm starting to believe .."

"hahaha you know your way out man. that's cool"

"but seriously, do you believe it?" tanong ko.

"Maybe, I dunno. But sometimes, when I feel like I want to be someone else, I just look up above.."

"I didn't know someone like you would like to be someone else. You look..."

"I look....?" 

"you look like you have everything in this World." palusot ko, muntikan na akong madulas.

"nah, I don't have everything, sometimes I even feel like I don't have anything at all. But that's too far to talk about. How about you? why you staring at the sky?" pangbawi nito,

"I dunno.. to clear my head, maybe.. I really don't know.."

"is there something bothering you? you know you can talk to me, right?"

"naah.. I'd rather keep them inside of my head, and hope they just get lost soon.. thanks though.."

"okay, I won't force you.. but you know you can talk to me, right?" pang pilit nito. Napangiti naman ako.

"Yeah.. thanks...some other day.."

"cheers to that" sabi nito sabay taas ng bote. Napatawa naman ako.

"cheers.." I said. Tawanan kami. He really looks cool. Sayang nga lang married na. He's very smart, and funny. And dagdag points pa ang mala adonis nitong katawan na parang may halong magic sa sobrang perfect shape nito. Maya maya pa nakaramdam ako ng kamay sa aking balikat. Si Tyler.

"Hey bro." singit nito kay Andrew.

"thanks for inviting me in, bro." sabay abot naman nitong si andrew ng kamay kay Tyler.

"anytime.." sagot nitong si Tyler. Ramdam ko ang paghigpit ng hawak ng kamay nito sa aking balikat. Nasasaktan ako. Sinubukan ko itong alisin na hindi napapansin ni Andrew but he just won't take it off. 

"let's all go inside.." anyaya nitong si Tyler. Tumanggi itong si Andrew at sinabing magpapahangin lang muna siya. Bago pa man ako makapagsalita at sabihing magpapahangin lang din muna ako, he pulled me papasok ng bahay. Tumango nalang ako kay Andrew paalam rito then he smiled. 

"nasasaktan ako" bulong ko kay tyler habang papasok kami sa loob na nakahawak parin ang kamay nito sa aking balikat. He then released his hand.

"I don't want you to talk to him, ever again." sagot nito. Nagulat ako. Since when did he get the right to act this way? Sumusobra na ata! But for the sake of not having an argument again, hindi nalang ulit ako sumagot at yumuko ako papasok ng bahay. Umupo ako sa tabi ni Joy at sinubukang maki-ride on sa kwentuhan nila. Pinilit kong makisama. Pinilit kong makipagkuwentuhan, tumawa at ngumiti pero alam kong may mali. I want to go home and want to lay down to my bed and forget everything. I just don't know how.

Para namang napansin nitong si Joy ang pagtamlay ko at inaya ulit ako nitong lumabas muna at magpahangin. Umupo kami sa may harapan, malapit kung saan nakatambay si Andew. Inabutan ako nito ng isang beer at chips.

Tahimik. Walang nagsasalita. Napatulala na naman ako sa kalangitan. Napalingon ako kay Andrew and I smiled secretly.

"Are you okay?" she asked. Tumango lang ako at ngumiti. Binalik ko ulit ang aking tingin sa mga bituin. Naramdaman ko ang kamay nito sa aking noo na parang pina-pakiramdaman ang aking katawan.

"Oh Gosh. You're burning like hell."

"No, I'm really okay. I just need to rest., maybe.." I said.

"You should've not come here and just rest." she said. Bigla akong napaisip. Napayuko ako at kinuwento ko nga sa kanya ang mga nangyari, kung paano ako nakapunta dito sa place nila, that I really don't have any plans of joining in their party and how her friend forced me and left me with no choice. She looks disappointed.

"that jerk!" sigaw nito, alam kong patukoy ito kay Tyler. Inaya ako nito sa loob para makapagpahinga at makainom ng gamot but I refused and just asked her if she can drive me home. She nodded but wants to me take a med first. Dali dali itong pumasok sa loob. Naiwan akong nakaupo sa labas. Maya maya naririnig ko nang may nagsisigawan sa loob. Alam ko ang mga boses na iyon, kay Tyler at Joy. Oh crap, sana hindi dahil sa mga sinabi ko kay Joy kaya nag babangayan ang dalawa. Napalingon ako at halos tumakbo itong si Tyler palapit sakin. Dali dali ako nito inalalayang tumayo at pinakiramdamn and aking leeg at noo.

"God, you're really hot. Why the hell didn't you tell me?" tanong nito habang inaalayaan ako palakad papasok. Hindi ako sumagot at yumuko nalang. Then here's Joy, holding a glass of water and medicine. 

"Here take this.." sabay abot nito sakin.

"Thank you.." mahina kong bulong at dali dali ko namang ininom 'to.

"Let's go" sabay hila sa akin mula sa pagkakahawak nitong si Ty.

"Where you goin'?" tanong ni Ty.

"I'm driving him home.." si Joy.

"NO, I am taking him home.." pilit nitong si Ty.

"Are you hearing yourself Ty? He begged you to drive him home, but you didn't listen. Becasue you don't actually listen. You just think of yourself, and only for yourself. You're selfish, and to think this is even your fault why he's having this fever in the first place. So please, If you really care for him, go inside and let me, LET ME drive him home." bulyaw nitong si Joy, Nagulat ako sa mga sinabi nito. Hindi ko alam na kaya niyang supalpalin itong si Tyler. Walang nagawa itong si Ty kundi yumuko na parang maamong tupa at hinayaan nalang si Joy na ihatid ako.

 While Driving, hindi ko na rin napigilan ang katawan ko. I feel like I'm really going down. My head's hurting like a dozen of screws trying to carve in. My muscles are like shivering to chills and shaking to zero boiling point. My body's getting heavier and heavier.

"I am really sorry, lex." she said.

"Please don't be. Not your fault. Kanina pa talagang masama pakiramdam ko."

"Iyon na nga eh, tapos pinilit ka pa nang walang hiyang Tyler na 'yon. Ihhh nakakagigil. Sarap sampalin." sagot nito. Napangiti naman ako sa asar nito kay tyler.

"Joy.."

"yep?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"of course yes, what is it?"

"promise me, you won't talk to anyone about this, okay?"

"I promise.."

"Why is he doing this to me?"

"you mean tyler?"

"Yes."

"I wish I can tell you that easy.. but.. It's just that..because...  hmmm..."  pautal utal na sagot nito pa parang hindi alam ang sasabihin.

"It's okay. I understand.."

"Sorry..."

"No.. No.. It's really Okay.."

 Tahimik.

"Alex.."

"hhmmm?"

"How do you feel about Tyler?" tanong nito. Para naman akong nasa Grand Stage, asked to answer the One Million Dollar Question. Nanlamig ako lalo at parang gusto kong himatayin.

"Honestly? I dunno. I am confused. Really confused, to the extent that I don't even know what to think anymore."

"Sorry to hear that.."

"Even from the start, I wasn't sure of anything, but I still did things because I was happy with him, until that day came when he lied about me, when he lied everything..I don't even know if he really lied to me or perhaps he just don't feel anything at all, that everything for him was just a game. Again, I don't know but I was hurt, really bad, Coz I was expecting something else. Since then, I tried my best to forget him, everything that happened between us, everything that he said, coz I wasn't sure anymore what to think. I tried so fucking hard to keep myself away from him, to build these walls between us, and not to think of him anymore, it was hard coz honestly, I felt  something for him. Now that everything's okay, everything's running smoothly in my life, here he comes again, and I dont know what the fuck he's up to. If this another game, was hurting me before not enough? Why'd he has to come back? I told him to keep the distance and to stay away from me..coz I'm afraid, I am afraid that everything that I have been working for and everything that I have been avoiding and hiding, will just come back and I dont want to see myself hurting again. I really dont know Joy what to think. It's like my head's spining 'round and 'round. I am confused. I am not even sure why I am here, and why I am talking to you about this." Mahaba kong eksplinasyon. Mabigat ang pakiramdam ko. Naramdamn ko ang pamumuo ng mga luha sa gilid ng aking mata, pero pilit ko itong nilalabanan. I'm so tired of being weak. Lagi nalang ganito. Simula nang inentertain ko 'tong pagiging ganito ko, lahat naging iba. Lahat naging komplikado, lahat naging masakit. Ngayon nasa point akong sana kinimkim ko nalang lahat dati at itinago hanggang sa makalimutan ko kung sino nga talaga ako. Coz I'm tired of fighting for what I really feel, the more I think about it, the more pain I feel inside. Sana I just lied about what I really am and just hid everything. Hindi sana ganito ngayon.


"Oh dear. You know, sometimes we have to stop thinking and let our hearts decide. I understand you've been hurt before that's why you've been putting these walls and blocks before you, but you will never get your answer until you lay all your cards down. Life is a Game, you have to be brave to risk anything to get one thing.  You are afraid,I know. But you won't get what your heart really wants if you keep on letting your mind decides. I wish I can do something else."

"Ayos lang, pagod lang siguro ako. O di kaya dala narin ng lagnat 'to. ."

"iyon nga eh, dapat nagpapahinga ka ngayon kung di ka lang binuwisit nang tyler na 'yon.. lagot siya sa akin mamaya.."

"No.. Please.. Hindi naman talaga niya kasalanan eh." pagtatanggol ko.

"Uy... defending his one true love.."

"one true love ka diyan.. Hindi no!"

"but you just said you feel something for him.."

"I said, I FELT!, past tense, FELT!"

"whatever"

Tawanan kami.

"pero thanks alex, for the trust. Your secrets are safe with me."

"thank you.."

 Pagkarating ng bahay, sinamahan ako nito hanggang sa loob. Pinakilala ko ito kay Nay Cleng at halos magkanda uga-ugaga itong si Nay Cleng nang nalamang may lagnat nga ako. 

Maya maya pa nagpaalam na itong si Joy at nagpasalamat naman ako sa paghatid sa akin. Inakyat ako nitong si nanay cleng sa aking kuwarto at ihiniga sa aking kama. Tinanong ako nito kung asan ba ang sasakyan ko at nagdahilan nalang ako na hiniram ni jek. Sinabihan ko rin 'to na gusto kong magpahinga at huwag akong istorbohin kahit na magpumilit pa si jek mamaya, kasi sigurado akong pupuntahan ako nun pag nalaman nga na may sakit ako. Nakiusap akong paki lock nalang yung pinto. Tumango naman itong si nanay cleng at lumabas na ng kuwarto. Pinikit ko ang aking mga mata at nagpahinga narin. 

After an hour or so, I don't know, I heard jek knocking on the door, I heard him calling out for my name, then shouting. Pft! I want to stand up and open the door for him, but I can't. I'm feeling cold, and my body's nipping like it's winter outside. Hinila ko ang comforter at nagtalukbong. Then I heard the door opened. I can hear footsteps approaching.  Nakaramdam ako ng palad na dumampi sa aking noo.

"Naku, ano bang pinaggagawa mong bata ka, ang taas parin ng lagnat mo." si nanay cleng.

"Nay, pakuha naman po ng towel at malamig na tubig pati alcohol." boses ni Jek.

Hinila nitong si jek ang comforter at umupo sa aking tabi.

"jek, malamig." bulong ko sabay hila ng kumot.

"dapat nga sumingaw yung lagnat mo.. saglit lang." si jek.

Hindi ko ito pinansin and I closed my eyes again. Then I felt his hands trying to take off my shirt.  

"jek, ano ba?"

"Ssshhh.."

"Manang, ako na po bahala" baling nito kay nay cleng at dinig ko rin ang paglabas nito ng kuwarto at pagsara ng pinto. Tinuloy nitong si jek ang paghubad sa akin. Habang pilit nitong binababa ang short na suot ko, pilit ko rin itong hinihilang pataas. Napatawa ito.

"Huwag na kasing lumaban pa.."

"jek naman eh. malamig."

"kaya nga po, dapat po mag punas ng tubig para gumaling."

Hindi na ako sumagot at hinayaan ko nalang itong hubarin ang short ko. And when I was left with only my underwear, nagulat ako ng hawakan nito ang garter at gustong tanggalin din ito.

"fuck! jek, okay na yan. Huwag na pati brief kasi!"

"haha nahiya ka pa.."

"hindi naman kasi ako husto na sanay maghubad sa harapan ng kahit na sino."

"bahala ka nga." sagot nito na parang nagtatampo. Sinimulan nitong punasan ang buong katawan ko ng towel soaked in cold water. Every drape he does with the towel against my skin gives me something that I can't explain. At first, lalo akong nanlamig but I can feel how soothing and consoling it can give. Pinunasan nito ang mga kamay ko, leeg, buong katawan, mga legs. At after nito, nag lagay siya ng isa pang towel sa noo ko. Sabi nito makakatulong daw to free the heat. Hindi ko alam kung pamahiin lang ba ito or isa na naman sa kalokohan niya but I can feel the difference. Tumayo ito at niligpit ang mga ginamit sa akin. Sinundan ko ito ng mata at binuksan niya ang closet ko para maghanap ng masusuot. I smiled. What did I do to this guy and why is he doing these things to me? He's not obliged to do so, it's not even his reponsibilty but he just won't stop caring for me and helping me all through out. I am so blessed with guy. If only he's not tied to Joyce yet, I would kill to marry this man.

 Maya maya pa'y tinulungan ako nito magbihis. After ko masuot ang damit, tumayo ito sa aking harapan at nakatitig lang sa akin. Napakunot noo ako. Ano na naman kaya binabalak nitong kaibigan ko?

Dahan dahan nitong hinubad ang kanyang pantaas, yung tipong parang nasa tabing ilog at kinukuhanan ng camera para sa isang sensual na MTV, dahan dahan at mainit. Pagkatanggal ng damit, bumungad sa akin ang mukha nito, seryoso, at ang mga mata'y parang nang aakit, sabay kagat labi pa. Napangiti ako. Yumuko ito at tinanggal ang butones ng kanyang blue jeans short. Tinignan ako nito at sabay kindat, hindi ko na napigilan ang aking sarili kundi napatawa nalang ako at napapailing. Maya maya pa, ibinaba nito ang zipper at ang kanyang short. Ngayon, eto si jek, naka brief sa harapan ko. Maganda ang hubog ng kanyang katawan, yung tipong hindi nadaan sa pagwork out pero sa gawaing bahay, pinoy na pinoy at mapapalangoy si dyesebel sa pasig river sa postura nito, kung fetish mo ang mabuhok na pusod, panalo ka na kay jek. Naglakad ito palapit sa akin, dahan dahan na parang hinahabol ako sa dalampasigan. Umakyat ito ng kama at pumatong sa akin. Tinulak ko agad ito pagilid.

"Gago ka, ano bang ginagawa mo?"

"Body Heat!"

"sira! Nilalagnat ako! At lalo lang akong lalagnatin sa ginagawa mo"

"sabi mo kanina nilalamig ka.."

"basta.. magbihis ka na nga.."

Hindi ito nakinig at pumatong ulit sa akin at niyakap ako. I can feel his bulge against mine. Shit, at ang gago, kiniskis-kiskis pa ito sa akin. Now, I can feel mine waking up. Napailing ako. Niyakap ako nito nang mahigpit and nuzzled his face against my neck. His beard gives me shiver down to my spine. Tinulak ko ulit ito, at napahiga sa tabi ko.

"Dito nalang ako matulog, bantayan kita."

"sira. Umuwi ka na, baka magwala pa si Joyce. Saka, ipapahinga ko lang 'to. Bukas magaling na ako"

"Nagpaalam na ako kanina. Pumayag naman siya eh."

"Kahit na. Paano naman ako makakapag pahinga sa mga pinaggagawa mo?"

"ano bang ginagawa ko?"

"body heat, body heat, parang porn star lang!"

"haha totoo naman, kailangan mo ng body heat!"

"ewan ko sayo!"

"uy aminin, nalibugan ka lang sa katawan ko noh. hindi naman kita masisisi.. "

"haha kapal mo, gago!"

"eh bakit parang may biglang tumigas diyan sa gitna ng legs mo.." Hindi na ako nakasagot sa hiya at hinampas ko nalang ito ng unan.

"Uwi ka na nga.. Bukas nalang ulit."

He nodded and stood up. Pinakiramdaman muna ulit nito ang noo ko bago ito nagbihis. Bago pa man nito buksan ang pintuan, bumangon ako at pinilit umupo sa kama.

"jek.." pilit kong sigaw. Napalingon ito.

"Salamat ha?"

He smiled and turned around. Naglakad ulit ito palapit sa akin at niyakap ako, mahigpit at ramdam ko ang sarap ng kanyang pag aalala.

"pagaling ka...please?" bulong nito sa aking tenga.

Tumango ako.

"dalawin kita ulit bukas. Pahinga ka na ulit." bulong ulit nito sabay halik sa aking ulo.  After nitong lumabas ng kuwarto, humiga na ako ulit at nagpahinga.


Sunday.


I woke up around 9 in the morning . Magaan na ang pakiramdam ko, pinakiramdaman ko ang aking sarili at salamat sa Diyos, hindi na ako nialalagnat. Pero ramdam ko parin ang bigat ng aking ulo. Tumayo ako agad at dali daling naligo para makahabol pa sa Last Mass.

 Pagkarating ko nang Sto. Rosario Church, nagsimula na ang Mass, puno narin ang simbahan. Wala na akong choice kundi tumayo narin sa may likuran, just right after the entrance. I closed my eyes and bowed my head.

"My mind is torn apart by questions and doubts. It steals my sleep at night and my peace during the day. My weakness is my heart, and I am afraid my mind's trying to poison it from within. I am so weary of fighting over these things running back and forth.  I want to release myself from the grip of my own mind, and to keep me away from my own destructive thoughts. I don't know what to do now.  So here I am, humbly asking you to help me take these off my shoulders. Show me the light and be with me as I find all the answers. Thank You. " panalangin ko.

I opened my eyes at naki-pila para sa Holy Communion. I bowed my head again as I followed the line going near the Priest until I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned my head around, but I see no one but strangers. I turned my head on the other side, and I saw Tyler and his Grandmom. Nagmano ako sa lola nito at pinilit kong ngumiti kay Ty.

"How you feelin?" bulong nito. 

"better" tipid kong sagot. Ngumiti ito na parang walang nangyari. Hindi ko na ito pinansin pa at dumiretso na ako sa pila.

After the Mass, dali dali akong lumabas. I heard someone calling out my name . Napalingon ako and saw Tyler approaching, binilisan ko ang paglakad hanggang makapasok na ako sa sasakyan.

"Can we talk?" he asked while knocking on the window. I didnt answer him back instead I started the engine and drove away. This will be a lot better. If he can't keep the deal of watching the disctance, then I will do it myself. He's all but troubles and heartaches.

Pagkauwi ko nang bahay, dinatnan ko itong si jek at joyce, karga karga naman nitong si Nay Cleng si baby alex.  Umakyat ako sa kuwarto para makapag bihis.

Habang nagtatanggal ako ng damit, halos maibuga ko ang baga ko sa gulat ng may naramdaman akong kamay na pumisil sa aking pwetan. Paglingon ko, si jek tumatawa. Hinampas ko ito ng natanggal ko nang damit.

"Gago ka talaga no?"

Hindi ito makasagot sa kakatawa. Pumasok nalang ako ng banyo para ituloy ang pagbihis. Paglabas ko ng banyo, nakaupo ito ng kama, na parang nag aantay.

"Kumusta ka na?" tanong nito sabay hila sa akin at yakap.

"ayos naman na, medyo masakit lang ulo ko." sagot ko at kumawala ako sa mga bisig nito,

"uminom ka na ng gamot?"

"hindi, itutulog ko lang ulit 'to."

"mamaya ka na, tara sa baba, kain na muna tayo, may dala akong tinola, niluto ko." pagmamayabang nito.

At bumaba nga kami para makakain, sabay sabay kaming kumain. Hindi ako nakaramdam ng pagkailang kay Joyce, alam kong masaya ito at secured, which dapat lang kasi in the first place wala naman talaga. Ngunit nakaramdam ako ng inggit sa nakita kong jek na sinusubuan pa ang kanyang anak. Naalala ko sina Mom, kuya at Dad. "Kailan ko kaya makakasama ulit sina Mom at kuya?" tanong ko sa aking sarili. Napailing ako at tinuloy nalang ang pagkain. After namin,  nagpaalam narin sina jek na uuwi na muna, tinungo ko ulit ang kuwarto para makapagpahinga. 

Alas singko na ng hapon nang makarinig ako ng katok sa pintuan ng aking kuwarto. Bumungad sa harapan ko itong si Nanay cleng na ngumu-nguya nguya pa ng mansanas. Sabi nito may bisita daw ako. Tinanong ko kung sino pero hindi ako nito pinansin at umalis agad. May dalaw ata itong si nanay cleng.  Dali dali naman ako nag ayos ng sarili at bumaba na. Pababa palang ako ng hagdan, pansin ko na si Joy na nakaupo sa sala, katabi nito si Tyler. Fuck! Parang gusto kung tumalikod at umakyat ulit. Pinilit kong ngumiti para di awkward, and they stood up. Sinalubong ako ni Joy at niyakap nito.

"How are you, friend?" bati nito.

"I'm better. thanks." sagot ko. binaling ko ang tingin ko kay tyler at pansin ko ang hiya, lungkot o anumang mabigat na nararamdaman nito. "the hell I care" singit ng aking isipan.

"hey" bati ko rito.

"ha- hi."  nahihiya nitong sagot.  Dumiretso ako ng kusina para pakiusapan si Nay cleng na pakidalhan ng mamerienda ang aking mga bisita.  Tumango lang ito na parang nagsusungit. Pansin ko ang bukas na TV at halos matawa ako sa pumasok sa aking isipan,  kaya siguro nagsusungit itong si nanay cleng kasi palabas na ang sinusubaybayan nitong koreanobela at hindi siya makanuod kasi nasa sala sina tyler at Joy. Napangisi ako.

"Do you want to go out? Mas presko dun." anyaya ko sa dalawa para naman makapanuod na itong si nanay cleng. Sumang ayon naman itong Joy at lumabas nga kami.

Dumiretso kami sa patio at umupo. Umupo ako sa gitna ng dalawa, as if may choice pa ako kasi itong si joy umupo sa gilid, itong si ty sa kabila.

"Oh buti napadalaw kayo?" tanong ko.

"He.. uhmmm someone..tsk, I just.... hmmm want to check up on you.." pautal utal na sagot nitong si Joy na parang pinipigilan ang pagtawa at animo'y may tinatago. Napalingon ako kay Tyler at huling huli ko ang panlaki ng mata nito kay Joy. Napailing ako. I think I know what she really meant.

"Well, I am good, tell that to HIM, or to that SOMEONE, or to yourself. " banat ko naman. Tumawa si Joy na parang alam nito na alam ko kung sino ang tinutukoy naming dalawa. Biglang tumayo itong si Joy at nagpaalam na papasok lang sa loob kasi sinusubaybayan din daw niya yung palabas sa TV. Naiwan kami nitong si Ty, naka upo. Tahimik.

"Are you really feelin okay now?" tanong nito.

"Ang kulit mo! Sabi ng OO eh." pagsusungit ko.

Tahimik. Hindi ako tumitingin sa mga mata nito at baka mahulog lang ang condom ko.

"I am..."

"What do you want, ty?" pang putol ko sa anumang sasabihin sana nito.

"What do you mean?" 

"Wise man doesn't answer a question with another question. so irritating!" pagtataray ko ulit.

"wise man has to be clear with his questions, in the first place." sagot nito.  Aba!

"well, for a wise man to be really wise, he can answer anything even the most unclear questions with no second thoughts" sagot ko.

"wise man needs not to answer all, he has to make sure that whatever words come out, it's certain and definite."

"fuck the wise man." sagot ko. He chuckeled at hindi ko narin napigilan ang sariling mapangiti.

"why are you doing this tyler? Why? What do you want from me? Why can't you just stay away from me?" sunod kong tanong pero hindi parin ako tumutingin sa kanya.

"I don't know it myself, either. All I know is, I am happy with you and I like myself when I am near you"

"then why did you lie before?"

"it's the only way out.."

"the only way out? fuck!"

"you don't understand.."

"help me understand...for christ's sake."

"how am I suppose to fight for you when I wasn't even sure of what I was feeling back then?"

Tahimik.

"I felt something inside, but I don't know what it was, so when I was asked, I got no choice but to just lie over it and pretend like it wasn't there, coz that was the easiest thing to do. I wasn't sure about you. I wasn't sure about US."

"you could've trusted your heart.."

"how could I trust my heart when every minute since I met you, I have been doubting and questioning it's decision?"

"oh yeah, coz you're not gay and trusting your heart may lead to nothing but to your downfall and lossing your superiority..right?"

"this is not about me being straight or being gay anymore, this is about being certain of what I really feel before fighting for it."

Tahimik.

"then why are you coming back? 

"I think..."

Tinignan ko ito sa mata. I can see tears forming. His lips cracking and his voice shaking. He looks unease and nervous. 

"I'm in love with you.." he said.