A Message For Chris

Author's Note:

Hello kuya Mike. happy birthday nga pala and merry christmas. I just drop by to ask you if puwede, please post this one to your blogsite. I'm one of your followers. I just want to dedicate this message to my one and only bestfriend, Chris. Thanks.

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Bro, I'm typing this note here in the hospital while watching over Samantha. It's been an emotionally draining week for me. I'm happy and relieved that my niece has successfully undergone a heart procedure, but a part of me is still trying to grasp the idea that I will not be seeing you ever again.

Bro, hate ko talaga to be dramatic in public. I also feel that posting things like this only trivializes your death. But I want to do this to help me grasp the idea that you're gone... then maybe I can already start mourning.

I had known you for only four years, but if felt like we were good friends since childhood. At least, that's what I'd like to claim. But knowing just a facet of you is enough to give me a feeling of honor that, at one brief point in my life, a wonderful person chose to call me "bro," no matter how ironic it sounds (maybe just in the biological sense).

Chris you're one person who's hard to refuse. I never knew that I had a knack (and the gall) for emceeing until you asked me to host one summer outing event. God knows how I shun attention, but I still did it for you (and we weren't even that close yet). From then on, I had gamely done a few emceeing jobs just because it was you who had asked me to do it.

Chris, I'm so sorry that I wasn't able to keep my promise of finding you a boyfriend. Ako nga nahihirapan eh. Kasi ang hirap at ang sakit. Nasabi ko naman sayo yung feelings ko towards someone diba? Then you keep on asking me "Bro, bumalik na ba siya?" then, umiling lang ako. After nun, you asked me again, "Do you still love him?" Tango lang ang nasagot ko sayo nun. Then after, I burst into tears on your shoulders. Then, tatapikin mo na lang ang likod ko at say "its okay to cry." Pero Chris, nag-enjoy naman tayo sa company ng isa't isa during those lonely Friday and Saturday nights di ba? Nakakainis lang, tuwing dadaan ako sa Silya, ikaw lagi maalala ko. And I don't think I can ever dance again at Che'lu like what I did before.

I remember one time, nung nagopen ako ng FB and you saw me viewing his profile, suddenly I cried. Lumapit ka and I was surprised nung pinatay mo yung monitor. We fought pa nga diba cause hindi ko nagustuhan yung ginawa mo, then I realized you're just concern lang for me. Thank you bro. until now, yung text mo na yun sa akin, nasa cellphone ko at hindi ko pa binubura until now. Sabi mo kasi "Bro, you prolong the agony of waiting kasi kapag ganun. You deserve to be happy. i dont want to see you in tears. Cheer up and never frown."

Itong malapit na mag-Christmas, ginalugad natin ang Malate just to look for a Christmas party venue. It was stressful alright, but we had so much fun checking out the gay bars at the guise of prospecting for venues.

More recently, nag-send ka ng invitation sa lahat employees sa office, pero only three of us lang ang sumipot. We're so glad we did. Umuwi tayo 5 A.M.

One time, pumasok ako sa office ng Saturday. Nagkulong ako sa Meeting Room para makapag-concentrate sa trabaho. Then nag-LCS ka. Nasa office ka rin. You decided to come down to accompany me and to have a short chit-chat. A few Saturdays after, pumasok ulit tayo at ako naman ang umakyat sa floor nyo to visit you. Ikaw lang yata ang friend ko sa 21st floor. Pano yan wala ka na dun? It's like half of the office has become empty.

Chris, its hard for me to accept that you're gone. Its hard for me to believe that i wont see you forever. Bro, what am I going to do? You left me in this world that is full of misery. Chris, I don't want to miss you. I don't want to remember you. Because I still haven't grasped the idea that you're gone. I don't think I ever will. You're always present in the small things that I do at work, in the places that I frequent, and in the cute guys we used to collectively gush about.

Bro, wherever you are, I'm sure makaka-meet ka ng mga gwapong angels. Ihanap mo ko ng isa ha?

Till our next bar hopping,

Your bro