SHOULD'VE BEEN

Happy Valentine's Day!!

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The night sky was filled with heavy clouds. It covered the twinkling of little stars and the dim light offered by the moon. I walked across the street with a thorn-free rose in my hand. It’s almost midnight. Fewer cars were passing by. I pressed my lower body against the railing of the bridge as the wind gently caressed my face. I simply brushed a hand through my disheveled hair.

“It’s been a year. It should’ve been a year.” I thought.

I gripped the rose tightly. Thanks to the street lights at the opposite ends, I was able to see the passive water and the massive boulders down the bridge. I felt the sudden pang of loneliness as my chest got heavy. A gush of tears clouded my eyes.

---

I can’t get hold of my keys. My hands were numb and I was seriously feeling dizzy. Prolly, I got too much to drink.

“Damn it!” I emptied my bag in despair. I reached for my keys, opened the door and impatiently kicked my things to my unit. I slouched in the sofa and put my feet up the centre table. I closed my eyes and his image appeared. Again.

“It’s been a year already. Yet, it doesn’t get better.” This loop of thought bugged me all day. I still didn’t feel good whenever he pops in my mind.

“It’s my fault.” Then, I felt hot under my eyes and a stream started forming in my cheeks.

---

February 14, 2011

12.38PM

“Happy Valentine’s!” We were having lunch in a Japanese restaurant at a business district establishment. He simply slid a rose to my side and pressed my hand.

“Stop it.” I released my hand from his touch  and awkwardly sipped from my glass of iced tea.

“What’s the problem?”

“Stop being so sweet. You’re still with...”

“How many times do I need to tell you? I broke up with him last month.”  He was trying to contain himself. I believe him, yes. But I can’t shake off the feeling that I was the reason they broke up.

“But I might...”

“No. You’re not the reason, okay? Even before I met you, we were on the rocks already. He slept around while we’re together.”

“Okay.”

“So, why don’t we just enjoy this lunch?”

“Alrighty!” I smiled.

“By the way, I have a surprise for you later.”

“Me, too.” He walked me to my work place after we finish eating before he went to his. He gave me a smack before bidding goodbye.

“I love you so much. Later!” He said with the sweetest smile.

By then, I was sure. I surrendered on guarding my heart. I admitted I was totally knocked off my feet.

“Tonight will be the happiest night of my life.”  I smilingly thought as I wait for the elevator.

7.08PM

I was swamped with work but I got to finish them all before the time of our rendezvous. My phone rang and I heard his voice, a little irritated.

“Could you spare me some time?” He politely asked after telling me that his ex was insistent on meeting him for the last time.

“Sure. Just call me up whenever you’re done.”

“Alright. Later!”

---

February 14, 2011

6.58PM

I was patiently waiting for him while I make sure that everything for dinner was perfect. The restaurant was almost packed with couples celebrating this special day. There were two small candles lighting each table of red cloth.

“Damn it! The gift!” I hysterically remembered. I got out of the restaurant and hurriedly ransacked my car for a small box.

I went back to our table, composed myself and waited for him. He arrived half an hour late with a dark face. He grimly looked at me after he sat down.

“Happy Valentine’s!” I said.

“What now?” He seriously asked.

“I just want to celebrate this special night with you.”

“Why not with your other man?” I ignored his question and called the waiter’s attention to bring out our food. Yes, I committed a mistake but I’ve already suffered its consequences.

“I want to make things right.”

Our food arrived and we started dining. I can’t help but look at him. I missed the old times. The spark that used to flame in his eyes was gone.

“Let’s start over.”

“Are you kidding me?”

“I still love you.”

“I don’t.”

Dinner ended. I thought to myself, it was all over. He said goodbye and almost ran out of the restaurant. I saw him outside waiting for a cab after getting my car. I pulled over and invited him to hop in.

“No, thanks!”

“C’mon. For old time’s sake.”  Maybe he’s really out of choice and desperate. Or maybe he still felt something. He hopped in and I drove back to his workplace.

“I didn’t get a chance to give you this.” I handed him the necklace I bought.

“Thanks. But I can’t accept it.”

“It’s my parting gift.”

“You’ve already left enough.”

“Why can’t you forgive me?”

“Coz you hurt me. And I can’t trust you anymore.”

“You don’t love me enough. You never did.”

“You don’t know the concept of contentment.”

“I love you! Please come back to me!” I cried.

“It’s too late.

“You’re with someone else?”

“Yes.” I can’t control my tears. I felt my whole body was shaking. I wailed because what he told me pierced my heart.

“Careful now!” He warned.

“You’re not supposed to love anyone else but me!”

I kept on hitting the stirring wheel and I heard him shouting “Stop!”. He tried manoeuvring the car but it was a little too late. A blinding light hit our eyes and a deafening siren banged in our ears. I jerked the wheel away to that truck and the car hit a concrete. I felt the car leaving the road. A cold splash of water filling up my lungs was my last recollection.

---

February 14, 2011

9.26PM

I called him repeatedly but he’s out of coverage. I can’t believe he stood up on me. I’d been waiting for more than two hours already. I kept on pacing back and forth at the park where we were supposed to meet. I was about to leave when finally his name registered in my cell phone.

”Hey! Where you at? Been waiting for you here in ages. You still coming? I was about to head home.” But the voice I heard on the other end was a woman’s. It was calm and reassuring. My heart felt like it left its place the moment I understood the words she’s saying. I felt my knees weakened. I needed to hold on to something firm to be kept standing upfront.

”Sir, if you can contact his immediate family the soonest, the better. You were the last one he talked to in his call log that’s why we called you. Our doctors are doing their best to save him.”

I didn’t know where I got the strength to run and hail a cab. While on my way, I called his elder sister and delivered the bad news. In no time, I arrived at the emergency room and looked for him. I was too preoccupied to even cry. But I felt the heavy beating of my heart. I kept on praying so his life would be spared from death.

After some time, his parents and sister arrived. Two doctors went outside the same operating room. We walked towards the two.

“I’m sorry but only one survived.” The doctor mentioned the name. And it wasn’t his. He turned to us and sympathetically said sorry.

---

Tears were unstoppable as I close my eyes. I gently kissed the rose before throwing it in the river. I held on the railings while the emotions were overwhelming me.

”We should have been happy by now. Only with you did I find happiness. No matter how short-lived it was, still, you made me complete. I love you so much. I’m so sorry I never got the chance to say it to you. Thank you for loving me.” I cried.

I sat on the ground. I didn’t care about a single thing in the world. I was grieving. I can’t forget the last kiss we shared, his profession of love for me and the sweet smile he formed every time we’re together. I miss all that. Never will I experience those again.

I was on that state when a cab stopped before me. I looked up and saw a familiar face. My jaw fell when our eyes met. His are as lonely as mine. Shock filled his face.

“What are you doing here? Haven’t seen you in years!” He was a college buddy. One of the best, actually. I knew why he is here. But he didn’t.

“Just visiting an old friend. He died here exactly a year ago.”

“You’re not saying you knew...” I saw confusion overpowering his shock. I nodded as a sign of saying yes. I was trying to keep myself together.

“I knew him. To be totally honest, that night, I was about to make him the happiest man.

---

I wanted to drive but I decided not to and just hailed a cab to visit the place where it all ended, where the one I loved died. I saw a familiar face sitting on ground zero as the cab took a halt. I went down and saw my best bud in college. I haven’t seen him in years.

I was both shocked and confused when I learned how he was related to my late boyfriend. I can’t believe what he said. Of all the man in the world, why does it have to be him?

“... I was about to make him the most important person in my life.”

“Are you serious?” I unbelievably asked.

“Do I look like I’m kidding?” he sarcastically said.

---

Seeing my old friend aggravated all that I was feeling. I was actually did not want to talk to him. Ever.

“Mom told me you were in the hospital that night. So, you weren’t there for me, are you?” He inquired.

“No.”

“Oh.”

“Why do you have to live after what you caused him? I was about to tell him how much I love him! For the first time in my entire life, I’m going to let someone in and be genuinely happy. What did you do??? You killed the man I love!”  I was not able to control myself as I let out what I really felt about what happened.

“I love him, too!”

“He doesn’t love you anymore.”

“I’m sorry. If it were my call, I’d wish to be dead by now. I’d rather be lifeless than see him happy with someone else.”

---

I walked away. The pain of his demise throbbed like an open wound. I don’t know until when I will be feeling this. Or if I still can find someone like him. He’s the one I almost had.  Valentine’s Day will forever be a reminder of what should have been.