When Josh Learned Of My Secret

WARNING: This post contains explicit scenes and is not suitable for readers below 18.

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It was nearly 10pm when the prostitute and her pimp arrived into our hotel room. My son Josh, of fifteen, had just finished his shower. After a few minutes of haggling, the pimp left. Even if I was very liberal with my son in many respects, something deep down questioned whether I made right decisions with fixing a girl for him. It was Josh’s second experience; his first happened in the province, a few weeks earlier.

I went out of the hotel not really knowing where to go, my mind stricken with some compunction. I chanced upon a videoke bar across the street and thought of a bottle or two of beer (and a few songs) to let loose of the time (until Josh gets his stuff done). But an hour and a half had passed and there was still no call from Josh. I was getting bored so I went off aiming for a little adventure. “Probably someone out there is just like me, in need of a company; to let loose of our mutual boredom, whatever...” my mind insinuated.

As I waited for a taxi, I noticed this guy sitting on the cemented step just beside the entrance of a dimly-lit bar adjacent to where I got off. In his hand was an envelope, apparently with some documents. The guy seemed motionless, looking impatient. Since no taxi came by, I thought I’d approach him. “Hmmm, he could be the ‘someone’ to pass the night off with...” I told myself.

“Hey...” I greeted. “What time will this bar open?” referring to the bar next to him.

“I was told it will open at one am” he said, invigorated as if he had waited for ages for someone to crack a conversation. “It’s where I am going too; I have an application to work there and the manager will interview me.”

“O, yeah?” I said as I approached near him. “How come you’re too early?”

“My friend – the one who referred me – said it will open at 10pm. I never knew it would be past 12 midnight. I came from Taytay, Rizal so it will be hard for me to go home and then come back. I have no choice... I really need this job – very badly, you know.”

“Oh, I see. So what can we expect inside that bar? And what job have you applied there?”

“It’s a... gay bar actually” he hesitated. “And I applied as a waiter.”

“Wow!” I exclaimed. “Not a macho dancer?”

“Hahaha! No. I am not into it.” He gave me a suspicious look, anticipating for a skeptical reaction.

I did not answer. I looked at him as if I heard a joke, my mouth about to burst into laughter.

“Really! Yeah, really...” He emphasized, his eyes widened. “And this bar doesn’t do nasty stuffs; their boys just do catwalk, dance... I don’t know the others.”

“Hmm, so this ‘others’ may be the not-a-nasty stuff you were saying?” I teased.

He looked at me and smiled, submitting defeat to have seen a total disbelieving jerk in me.

In fairness, the guy was very good-looking and in great shape, wore faded jeans in stylish rips in his right knee and front left leg. I figured he should stand at least 5’10” tall, 23 – 24 years old. My mind told me that his built and looks could well qualify him for a high-caliber macho dancer, even a call boy. He was clean shaven, neat, fair-skinned.

“My name is Alex. I’m staying in that hotel” as I motioned to the hotel across the road.

It was his turn to be cynical. I was wearing a rugged, soiled jeans and tee. He searched his eyes on me then looked at the hotel. I could see his mind questioning if I was a big bluff or a silly thug. “Really... So, why are you in this corner? It’s dim, open, and dangerous?”

“My son’s in there... with a girl, and I thought I’d leave them alone”

“Hahahaha! Really? How old is he?”

“He is fifteen; will be 16 in three months.”

“Wow! How I wished my father were as open as you are!” He guffawed. “My name is Dennis” He stood up, extended his hand.

I just grinned; then shook his hand. He was pretty tall. “Are you a basketball player or something?”

“Yeah I am; and a good one, hehe! So... what’s your plan?”

“That’s the same question I’ve been asking myself!” I exclaimed realizing I found a company. “How about if...” I paused, gave him a naughtily stare “...We go some place where we can have a little drink and let’s see what comes next?”

He thought for a while. “I think that’s a good idea. But where...?”

“That bar, is that ok?” I pointed to the adjacent bar where I first got in.

“Ok, cool!”

We got in, ordered bottles of beer, sang a few songs, and opened up a bit of ourselves. I learned that he was from Bacolod City, worked briefly at a bar in Baguio, and came down to Manila. I also told him that I was from the province and came to Manila to see my kids before finally going back abroad.

The alcohol must have seeped into my system when I spontaneously made an indecent proposal. “Can we go to a place where there is a running a/c and a really nice clean bed?”

“Hahahaha! You are kidding, right?” He burst.

“No...”

“You are the father of this 16-yr old kid, who is with a girl now, and you want to go out with me? Is that it?”

“Yeah... is there a problem?”

“You mean... sex with me?”

“Well, technically, going to bed doesn’t really mean sex. I just need to lie down, relax, talk things with someone I don’t know, try a little hug and curling up... Sex is out of the question. I don’t do it with someone who hates doing it with me. Besides, I feel that sex is something to enjoy; not to be forced upon on someone. I also believe that the main objective of doing sex is to fulfill desires. And nothing could be more fulfilling than making love with someone with whom you have a deep emotional attachment; someone you’ve given your trust, or you’ve really desired... ”

“Hahaha! Nice try! But I still have none of this!” he said as he continued laughing. “No, really. You’re kidding me, right?”

“Do I look like I’m kidding? Look, Dennis, you are the big guy here, and if there is someone who gets scared, it’s me. I’ve got something in my wallet, and I got a job waiting for me abroad. Whatever you want to do with me, you can do it, even ruin my life – in a snap. What makes more sense: for a big guy like you to be afraid of me, or for me to be afraid of you? Don’t focus too much on what you see on the outside. Read my lips: ‘I am a good person’. Are you?”

He stopped laughing, paused for a second, and gave me a quizzical look. “Ok, ok... I believe you, of course... But, sorry Alex, I don’t really do such a thing.”

I was a bit disappointed. “Ok, fine. Then let’s just have a drink and that’s it.”

Silence. I focused my eyes at the videoke monitor, showing off my loss of interest. Probably sensing the sudden change of atmosphere he asked, “Ok, how much will you give me, just in case I change my mind?”

“Hahahaha! Now you’re talking!” I cracked. “Let me see... Ten pesos?”

“Ten pesos? Wha...!!!” He said his eyes widened.

“I’m kidding, ok? Well, let’s just say that if you go with me, there is nothing to lose on your side, you will gain a friend in me, and you will earn something that you may not have earned in one hour of your entire life.”

“Hmmm, sounds interesting.”

“I told you. So, is it an OK now?”

“Yeah, I guess, yeah...” he said nodding. “And, sex not part of the package, right?” he added.

“Yeah, sure.”

So we ended up together in a motel. Immediately when we got into the room, he went to the shower while I undressed and lay on the bed. As he came out from the shower, a towel was wrapped around his waist. “Nice chest, there Dennis!”

“I do some workouts so, it pays a little.” He said, immediately dropping down the bed beside me. Then he pulled a blanket and removed the towel from his waist.

The thought of him naked under the sheet tickled my fancy. I pulled the edge of his blanket, got under it. He did not move; he kept his eyes transfixed to the ceiling mirror as if in deep thought.

I laid my leg over his. “I thought you said you are not going to do this...” I said lazily.

“I’m not. I removed my clothes just to keep them from crease, that’s all. I believe it when you said that sex should not be forced on someone...”

“Yeah, and I mean it.”

“Thanks.”

“Sorry to ask this but... how come you came up with this idea?”

“What idea?”

“This... having to stay on bed with another man just to talk. Why not just in a bar?“

“I don’t know... I guess it’s the privacy; the warmth of having to curl up my body next to a stranger. I don’t know... I just need someone to talk, to let go of something deep down.”

“...on the bed.” he emphasized.

“On the bed, yeah.”

We both burst into laughter.

“You know, I really thought you’re straight when you approached and talked with me” Does anybody in your family know about... you know.”

“My older sister. My father learned it when he caught me having sex with a friend” I laughed. “But I was never open with my father.”

“Your friends?”

“There are three? I mean at work... But they are not interested to talk about it. They are all straight. And I feel that when I start to open things up they divert the topic. It’s pretty hard to keep things inside, you know. There was a time when I fell deeply for someone and there was no one to share what’s deep inside. It’s tough just having to keep all those emotions. It’s like something is going to burst. When I’m sad, I cried alone. When I’m happy, I have no one to share it with. But, it’s all over now. And I have moved on. As much as possible, I try not to get into a relationship anymore. I have a son. He is my number one love now.”

“When was the last time you had sex?”

“I can’t remember... a year maybe?”

“Hahaha! A year...? You’re kidding!” raising his voice in disbelief.

“Yeah, it’s true. I can be celibate, you know, it’s just a matter of self-discipline. I don’t want to have sex just for the sake of it. Besides, what’s the use of my hand?” I raised my hand and sang “I have two hands, the left and the right; hold them up high, so clean and bright; clap them softly 1,2,3; clean little hands are good to see”

“Hahahahaha! You’re crazy!”

“Thank you! Many people tell me the same thing too!”

We both burst into laughter again.

Silence.

“Your son, are you not bothered with fixing a girl for him? I find it a little out-of-the-ordinary.”

“Out-of-the-ordinary maybe... and yeah, I am a little bothered. But my son is so close to me to the point that he shares his sexual fantasies. So when he pleaded if I can help him to experience... I just decided that maybe I’d better be the one to fix it for him rather than someone else. I didn’t want him to fall into traps. You know... father instinct? At least I know whom did he go with, and I was there to teach him how to handle it safely.”

“You are a liberated dad.”

“Well... maybe just one of those stupid dads.”

“How close is your son to you?”

“Very, very close. Would you believe he still goes to the shower with me? He doesn’t mind wearing my underwear, or even to use my tooth brush. He doesn’t keep any secret. He shares his thoughts, his affairs with girlfriends, and even asks very personal questions I could not imagine myself opening up with anyone. He’s nearly 16, a big guy now, but he’s not ashamed to hug and kiss me even in public. I am not asking him to do that. He just wants to make me feel secure, I guess.”

“You are lucky to have him”

“I know...”

“Does he know about you? I mean, you know...”

“I have a feeling he has an idea”

“And if he finally finds out?”

“I don’t know... it’s the greatest fear of my life. My son and I agreed not to keep any secrets. This is the only thing that hinders me from my word... and it’s killing me. It’s like I’m laden and every day, it just gets heavier and heavier.”

I flipped to his side, placed my other leg over his staff. It was warm and still. I laid my arm over his chest, moved my lips closer to his cheek. He laid still. “Do you want him to know?” he whispered.

“Yeah, I just don’t know how and I don’t know what to do if – God forbid – he can’t accept me. I can’t afford to lose my son. He is my every thing.” I whispered back.

“It’s a hard decision”

“I know...” I said as I drew my face towards his head, my lips stroking his hair. I started to rub my leg over his manhood. I felt it gradually enlarged and started to throb.

“Can you give me a hug?”

He flipped to my side, wrapped his arms around me. It was tight. I reached out to his staff. He did not say anything. I groped him. The next thing I knew was we were kissing, passionately.

Suddenly, I pulled out. “Sorry, sex is something to enjoy; not to be forced upon on someone...”

I could see the total astonishment in his eyes. “It doesn’t matter; I am the big guy here. I can do whatever I want with you.” He said grabbing my head.

We continued to kiss. We made love like there was an emotional connection; like we’d known each other for ages and had been yearning for that time to come...

My cp rang. It was Josh. “Dad, where are you? I’m done. I can’t sleep alone. Please come here.”

“A... I’m in a... motel, son, with a friend?”

“Who’s that friend Dad?”

“A... you don’t know the person, son”

“Can I talk to your friend?”

“No!” was my sudden reply.

“So then I’ll come. Tell me your location, Dad!”

I panicked. I anxiously whispered to Dennis “He wants to come!”

Dennis whispered calmly. “Let him...”

I could hardly believe with what Dennis said. I looked at him nervously.

He stared back, his eyes were reassuring.

“OK, son, you can come.”

Josh arrived past half an hour. As I opened the door anxiously, he immediately checked on Dennis who was lying on the bed. I didn’t know what was in Josh’s mind – I wish I knew. He gave me a hug and kissed me on the cheek.

I could feel my heart throbbing fast. “This is Dennis.” I said motioning to Dennis. I turned to Dennis who already stood up and approached us, “Dennis this is my son, Josh.”

They shook hands. Without a word, Dennis went back to lie on the bed leaving us, father and son alone.

But Josh followed Dennis on the bed and lay on his back next to him. I followed too; lay on my back between the two guys. I could see our reflections on the ceiling mirror. Josh and I seemed like staring at each through it. I flipped towards his side; he flipped towards mine. We looked straight into each other’s eyes, our minds seemed to be talking, probing, and figuring things out.

We froze for a few minutes. It was like eternity.

Later, Josh cracked a timid smile and hugged me tight. We hugged each other; he started pressing his lips on my cheek, my forehead, chin, my nose, even my lips. “I love you Dad!” He said like he was on the verge of crying.

I felt my tears instantly flowed down. I tightened my hug and kissed him on his cheek. “I love you too, son – very, very much!”

Josh looked at me and gently wiped the tears from my eyes.

It was for me a defining moment. I know that having Josh understand everything means a great deal of responsibility on my part. Not every father is lucky enough to have a son like Josh. Now that he knows everything, I need to keep my focus, discipline and my life in order. After all, Josh should still look up to me, as his Dad, friend and confidant.

Until now, Dennis and my son continue to be friends. In fact, Josh calls him “Kuya”, though Josh hates to be compared with Dennis. He would always say, “I am more handsome than Kuya Dennis!”

On Dennis’ part, he still continues to send me text messages, even here in the Middle East. Sometimes we talk over the phone. But there’s nothing more. As I told him, I try not to get into a relationship anymore. I have already fallen deeply in love with another guy. Josh...