WARNING: This post contains explicit scenes and is not suitable for readers below 18.
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It was nearly 10pm when the prostitute and her pimp arrived into our hotel room. My son Josh, of fifteen, had just finished his shower. After a few minutes of haggling, the pimp left. Even if I was very liberal with my son in many respects, something deep down questioned whether I made right decisions with fixing a girl for him. It was Josh’s second experience; his first happened in the province, a few weeks earlier.
I went out of the hotel not really knowing where to go, my mind stricken with some compunction. I chanced upon a videoke bar across the street and thought of a bottle or two of beer (and a few songs) to let loose of the time (until Josh gets his stuff done). But an hour and a half had passed and there was still no call from Josh. I was getting bored so I went off aiming for a little adventure. “Probably someone out there is just like me, in need of a company; to let loose of our mutual boredom, whatever...” my mind insinuated.
As I waited for a taxi, I noticed this guy sitting on the cemented step just beside the entrance of a dimly-lit bar adjacent to where I got off. In his hand was an envelope, apparently with some documents. The guy seemed motionless, looking impatient. Since no taxi came by, I thought I’d approach him. “Hmmm, he could be the ‘someone’ to pass the night off with...” I told myself.
“Hey...” I greeted. “What time will this bar open?” referring to the bar next to him.
“I was told it will open at one am” he said, invigorated as if he had waited for ages for someone to crack a conversation. “It’s where I am going too; I have an application to work there and the manager will interview me.”
“O, yeah?” I said as I approached near him. “How come you’re too early?”
“My friend – the one who referred me – said it will open at 10pm. I never knew it would be past 12 midnight. I came from Taytay, Rizal so it will be hard for me to go home and then come back. I have no choice... I really need this job – very badly, you know.”
“Oh, I see. So what can we expect inside that bar? And what job have you applied there?”
“It’s a... gay bar actually” he hesitated. “And I applied as a waiter.”
“Wow!” I exclaimed. “Not a macho dancer?”
“Hahaha! No. I am not into it.” He gave me a suspicious look, anticipating for a skeptical reaction.
I did not answer. I looked at him as if I heard a joke, my mouth about to burst into laughter.
“Really! Yeah, really...” He emphasized, his eyes widened. “And this bar doesn’t do nasty stuffs; their boys just do catwalk, dance... I don’t know the others.”
“Hmm, so this ‘others’ may be the not-a-nasty stuff you were saying?” I teased.
He looked at me and smiled, submitting defeat to have seen a total disbelieving jerk in me.
In fairness, the guy was very good-looking and in great shape, wore faded jeans in stylish rips in his right knee and front left leg. I figured he should stand at least 5’10” tall, 23 – 24 years old. My mind told me that his built and looks could well qualify him for a high-caliber macho dancer, even a call boy. He was clean shaven, neat, fair-skinned.
“My name is Alex. I’m staying in that hotel” as I motioned to the hotel across the road.
It was his turn to be cynical. I was wearing a rugged, soiled jeans and tee. He searched his eyes on me then looked at the hotel. I could see his mind questioning if I was a big bluff or a silly thug. “Really... So, why are you in this corner? It’s dim, open, and dangerous?”
“My son’s in there... with a girl, and I thought I’d leave them alone”
“Hahahaha! Really? How old is he?”
“He is fifteen; will be 16 in three months.”
“Wow! How I wished my father were as open as you are!” He guffawed. “My name is Dennis” He stood up, extended his hand.
I just grinned; then shook his hand. He was pretty tall. “Are you a basketball player or something?”
“Yeah I am; and a good one, hehe! So... what’s your plan?”
“That’s the same question I’ve been asking myself!” I exclaimed realizing I found a company. “How about if...” I paused, gave him a naughtily stare “...We go some place where we can have a little drink and let’s see what comes next?”
He thought for a while. “I think that’s a good idea. But where...?”
“That bar, is that ok?” I pointed to the adjacent bar where I first got in.
“Ok, cool!”
We got in, ordered bottles of beer, sang a few songs, and opened up a bit of ourselves. I learned that he was from Bacolod City, worked briefly at a bar in Baguio, and came down to Manila. I also told him that I was from the province and came to Manila to see my kids before finally going back abroad.
The alcohol must have seeped into my system when I spontaneously made an indecent proposal. “Can we go to a place where there is a running a/c and a really nice clean bed?”
“Hahahaha! You are kidding, right?” He burst.
“No...”
“You are the father of this 16-yr old kid, who is with a girl now, and you want to go out with me? Is that it?”
“Yeah... is there a problem?”
“You mean... sex with me?”
“Well, technically, going to bed doesn’t really mean sex. I just need to lie down, relax, talk things with someone I don’t know, try a little hug and curling up... Sex is out of the question. I don’t do it with someone who hates doing it with me. Besides, I feel that sex is something to enjoy; not to be forced upon on someone. I also believe that the main objective of doing sex is to fulfill desires. And nothing could be more fulfilling than making love with someone with whom you have a deep emotional attachment; someone you’ve given your trust, or you’ve really desired... ”
“Hahaha! Nice try! But I still have none of this!” he said as he continued laughing. “No, really. You’re kidding me, right?”
“Do I look like I’m kidding? Look, Dennis, you are the big guy here, and if there is someone who gets scared, it’s me. I’ve got something in my wallet, and I got a job waiting for me abroad. Whatever you want to do with me, you can do it, even ruin my life – in a snap. What makes more sense: for a big guy like you to be afraid of me, or for me to be afraid of you? Don’t focus too much on what you see on the outside. Read my lips: ‘I am a good person’. Are you?”
He stopped laughing, paused for a second, and gave me a quizzical look. “Ok, ok... I believe you, of course... But, sorry Alex, I don’t really do such a thing.”
I was a bit disappointed. “Ok, fine. Then let’s just have a drink and that’s it.”
Silence. I focused my eyes at the videoke monitor, showing off my loss of interest. Probably sensing the sudden change of atmosphere he asked, “Ok, how much will you give me, just in case I change my mind?”
“Hahahaha! Now you’re talking!” I cracked. “Let me see... Ten pesos?”
“Ten pesos? Wha...!!!” He said his eyes widened.
“I’m kidding, ok? Well, let’s just say that if you go with me, there is nothing to lose on your side, you will gain a friend in me, and you will earn something that you may not have earned in one hour of your entire life.”
“Hmmm, sounds interesting.”
“I told you. So, is it an OK now?”
“Yeah, I guess, yeah...” he said nodding. “And, sex not part of the package, right?” he added.
“Yeah, sure.”
So we ended up together in a motel. Immediately when we got into the room, he went to the shower while I undressed and lay on the bed. As he came out from the shower, a towel was wrapped around his waist. “Nice chest, there Dennis!”
“I do some workouts so, it pays a little.” He said, immediately dropping down the bed beside me. Then he pulled a blanket and removed the towel from his waist.
The thought of him naked under the sheet tickled my fancy. I pulled the edge of his blanket, got under it. He did not move; he kept his eyes transfixed to the ceiling mirror as if in deep thought.
I laid my leg over his. “I thought you said you are not going to do this...” I said lazily.
“I’m not. I removed my clothes just to keep them from crease, that’s all. I believe it when you said that sex should not be forced on someone...”
“Yeah, and I mean it.”
“Thanks.”
“Sorry to ask this but... how come you came up with this idea?”
“What idea?”
“This... having to stay on bed with another man just to talk. Why not just in a bar?“
“I don’t know... I guess it’s the privacy; the warmth of having to curl up my body next to a stranger. I don’t know... I just need someone to talk, to let go of something deep down.”
“...on the bed.” he emphasized.
“On the bed, yeah.”
We both burst into laughter.
“You know, I really thought you’re straight when you approached and talked with me” Does anybody in your family know about... you know.”
“My older sister. My father learned it when he caught me having sex with a friend” I laughed. “But I was never open with my father.”
“Your friends?”
“There are three? I mean at work... But they are not interested to talk about it. They are all straight. And I feel that when I start to open things up they divert the topic. It’s pretty hard to keep things inside, you know. There was a time when I fell deeply for someone and there was no one to share what’s deep inside. It’s tough just having to keep all those emotions. It’s like something is going to burst. When I’m sad, I cried alone. When I’m happy, I have no one to share it with. But, it’s all over now. And I have moved on. As much as possible, I try not to get into a relationship anymore. I have a son. He is my number one love now.”
“When was the last time you had sex?”
“I can’t remember... a year maybe?”
“Hahaha! A year...? You’re kidding!” raising his voice in disbelief.
“Yeah, it’s true. I can be celibate, you know, it’s just a matter of self-discipline. I don’t want to have sex just for the sake of it. Besides, what’s the use of my hand?” I raised my hand and sang “I have two hands, the left and the right; hold them up high, so clean and bright; clap them softly 1,2,3; clean little hands are good to see”
“Hahahahaha! You’re crazy!”
“Thank you! Many people tell me the same thing too!”
We both burst into laughter again.
Silence.
“Your son, are you not bothered with fixing a girl for him? I find it a little out-of-the-ordinary.”
“Out-of-the-ordinary maybe... and yeah, I am a little bothered. But my son is so close to me to the point that he shares his sexual fantasies. So when he pleaded if I can help him to experience... I just decided that maybe I’d better be the one to fix it for him rather than someone else. I didn’t want him to fall into traps. You know... father instinct? At least I know whom did he go with, and I was there to teach him how to handle it safely.”
“You are a liberated dad.”
“Well... maybe just one of those stupid dads.”
“How close is your son to you?”
“Very, very close. Would you believe he still goes to the shower with me? He doesn’t mind wearing my underwear, or even to use my tooth brush. He doesn’t keep any secret. He shares his thoughts, his affairs with girlfriends, and even asks very personal questions I could not imagine myself opening up with anyone. He’s nearly 16, a big guy now, but he’s not ashamed to hug and kiss me even in public. I am not asking him to do that. He just wants to make me feel secure, I guess.”
“You are lucky to have him”
“I know...”
“Does he know about you? I mean, you know...”
“I have a feeling he has an idea”
“And if he finally finds out?”
“I don’t know... it’s the greatest fear of my life. My son and I agreed not to keep any secrets. This is the only thing that hinders me from my word... and it’s killing me. It’s like I’m laden and every day, it just gets heavier and heavier.”
I flipped to his side, placed my other leg over his staff. It was warm and still. I laid my arm over his chest, moved my lips closer to his cheek. He laid still. “Do you want him to know?” he whispered.
“Yeah, I just don’t know how and I don’t know what to do if – God forbid – he can’t accept me. I can’t afford to lose my son. He is my every thing.” I whispered back.
“It’s a hard decision”
“I know...” I said as I drew my face towards his head, my lips stroking his hair. I started to rub my leg over his manhood. I felt it gradually enlarged and started to throb.
“Can you give me a hug?”
He flipped to my side, wrapped his arms around me. It was tight. I reached out to his staff. He did not say anything. I groped him. The next thing I knew was we were kissing, passionately.
Suddenly, I pulled out. “Sorry, sex is something to enjoy; not to be forced upon on someone...”
I could see the total astonishment in his eyes. “It doesn’t matter; I am the big guy here. I can do whatever I want with you.” He said grabbing my head.
We continued to kiss. We made love like there was an emotional connection; like we’d known each other for ages and had been yearning for that time to come...
My cp rang. It was Josh. “Dad, where are you? I’m done. I can’t sleep alone. Please come here.”
“A... I’m in a... motel, son, with a friend?”
“Who’s that friend Dad?”
“A... you don’t know the person, son”
“Can I talk to your friend?”
“No!” was my sudden reply.
“So then I’ll come. Tell me your location, Dad!”
I panicked. I anxiously whispered to Dennis “He wants to come!”
Dennis whispered calmly. “Let him...”
I could hardly believe with what Dennis said. I looked at him nervously.
He stared back, his eyes were reassuring.
“OK, son, you can come.”
Josh arrived past half an hour. As I opened the door anxiously, he immediately checked on Dennis who was lying on the bed. I didn’t know what was in Josh’s mind – I wish I knew. He gave me a hug and kissed me on the cheek.
I could feel my heart throbbing fast. “This is Dennis.” I said motioning to Dennis. I turned to Dennis who already stood up and approached us, “Dennis this is my son, Josh.”
They shook hands. Without a word, Dennis went back to lie on the bed leaving us, father and son alone.
But Josh followed Dennis on the bed and lay on his back next to him. I followed too; lay on my back between the two guys. I could see our reflections on the ceiling mirror. Josh and I seemed like staring at each through it. I flipped towards his side; he flipped towards mine. We looked straight into each other’s eyes, our minds seemed to be talking, probing, and figuring things out.
We froze for a few minutes. It was like eternity.
Later, Josh cracked a timid smile and hugged me tight. We hugged each other; he started pressing his lips on my cheek, my forehead, chin, my nose, even my lips. “I love you Dad!” He said like he was on the verge of crying.
I felt my tears instantly flowed down. I tightened my hug and kissed him on his cheek. “I love you too, son – very, very much!”
Josh looked at me and gently wiped the tears from my eyes.
It was for me a defining moment. I know that having Josh understand everything means a great deal of responsibility on my part. Not every father is lucky enough to have a son like Josh. Now that he knows everything, I need to keep my focus, discipline and my life in order. After all, Josh should still look up to me, as his Dad, friend and confidant.
Until now, Dennis and my son continue to be friends. In fact, Josh calls him “Kuya”, though Josh hates to be compared with Dennis. He would always say, “I am more handsome than Kuya Dennis!”
On Dennis’ part, he still continues to send me text messages, even here in the Middle East. Sometimes we talk over the phone. But there’s nothing more. As I told him, I try not to get into a relationship anymore. I have already fallen deeply in love with another guy. Josh...
Monday, April 7, 2008
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Sam
Labels:
Short Story
WARNING: This post contains explicit scenes and is not suitable for readers below 18.
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Part 1:
I was in my first year of college when I started to be a little enterprising about anything. I tried a little of cigarette and alcohol. And although I considered myself to be kind of aloof and picky when it comes to friends, I got a handful of close male friends with whom I would always hang around with.
Our favorite hangout was my place. My sister had this two-story house just opposite ours and her whole family moved to the big city for good. She left the house under my charge. It was a perfect hotbed for some nasty undertakings.
Well, actually, not really nasty. All I and my friends wanted was to share time and fun like go fishing or swimming in the nearby creek, harvest young coconut, sweet potato or banana, grill freshly harvested young corn, chicken from our livestock, or the fish we caught. And when there would be no class the following day we would either campfire in the middle of the coconut plantation, or stay indoor overnight and buy the province’ most popular drink, “tuba”.
One day, the group gathered in my place and we decided to have a drink indoors. As usual, we talked and discussed about matters of the day as a glass of wine would be passed around for each turn of drink. It was already past midnight when we felt the intoxication in our blood and decided to call it a day. As usual, we all went to the second floor which, as always, served as our barrack. Everyone lay on the floor, side by side.
The light was turned off for the big sleep.
Suddenly, Sam who lay beside me shouted, “I love you Ma’am Cathy, how can you be mine!”
Everyone burst into laughter, “Yeah, she’s damn beautiful!” the other guys agreed in unison.
Sam was the oldest guy in our group. He was 19, well-built, tall, intelligent, and handsome. The truth is many girls had a crush on him. For his good looks, he earned the title “campus crush”.
Cathy was our teacher in Psychology. She was new to the campus, just 23 years old, smart, and really beautiful. She had a long hair, a fair complexion, and was very trendy. While everyone admired her smartness, all the boys adored and fantasized her beauty.
“Have you seen her this morning sitting in front of the class? Gee, my eyes were glued straight in between her legs! And while she was discussing about the Sigmund Freud thing, my mind was focused on screwing her up right there! Ah... shit! I was so turned on I could ejaculate just in front of her!“ Sam said showing off an air of frustration.
“Hahahahahaha!” We all laughed. “Really?”
“Yeah, and I think I’m in love with her! Every time she looks at me and calls me to recite, damn! I would just melt there and forget all about all my answers. And all my mind could say is that ‘Ma’am, psychology is having sex with you – a lot! Hmm! I wish she were here with me nowwwwwww, uhhhhhhhh Cathy, Cathyyyyyy.....” as he hugged me tight, pushed his hard-on on me and kissed my cheek playfully imagining that I was his “Cathy”.
***
Part 2
And then I added teasing him, “Suddenly, our Theology professor Father Bernard appeared, sprinkling you with the holy water shouting fiercely, ‘The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you...!’”
“Arrrggggggghhhhhh!! Shittttt! What’s the matter with you, Geoff? What does Father Bernard have to do with this? You’re ruining the story! You’re ruining my damn concentration!” Sam snapped.
Everyone burst into laughter.
“Don’t you know I’m almost there? Arrggggghhhh! Shiiitttt! Ok, now continue without the damn sprinkling of the holy water... please?” Sam pleaded.
“Ok... as Miss Cathy sat on the edge of your bed gently touching your hair, nose, and face as you lie there, she finally reaches for your pants and unzips it, then... her fingers touch your manhood,” Sam hurriedly unzipped and released his hard-on. “She feels it... it’s warm, very hard, and throbbing. She holds your hand and in an alluring voice she whispered into your ears, ‘Sam, touch me; touch every part of my body. I’m so steamy and so wet inside, and I’m all yours. Do it now, Sam. Please…’”
Sam moved his hand...on me! He was actually touching me! I was stupefied! But as I was also intensely affected by my own story, I let him, and continued...
“You touch her breasts and run your fingers there, feel it, press it... harder and harder. Then you run your hand on her neck, face, nose, lips... Miss Cathy keeps moaning, ‘ahhhhhh, ahhhhhhh! Oh, Sam you’re so goooood, ohhhhhhh!’ Your fingers manipulate her breasts again; fondle them, press them, and hold her nipples. Then you move your hand down to her stomach, her navel, stay there for a while, then down... down... down”
Sam followed everything I said doing it all on me as I was totally carried away with the overflowing sensation.
“Down Sam, some more, more... and yeah” Sam moved his hand underneath my brief and held my hard-on! I couldn’t believe he was so horny and in a trance-like state I could ask him to do everything! And as I lay there on my back, I hurriedly unzipped my pants to let him stroke freely my dick!
“Ahhhhhh”, I moaned now forgetting all about Miss Cathy. “Yeah, Sam, I like it, yeah... oh God, I like it, ahhhhhhh!” I whispered into Sam’s ear as he continued to stroke me.
Suddenly Sam took my hand and led it to his hard-on. I obliged hesitatingly. I tried to turn my head to our other friends in the room to check if they were sleeping or watching us. But all I could see were silhouettes... and they’re moving – all of them are masturbating!
So I stroked Sam’s hard-on too as he did mine, “Ahhhhh! Ahhhhhh!” as our moans filled the room.
I was in a state of ecstasy when another surprise struck me – Sam positioned himself on top of me and kissed me on the lips! I thought he was just carried away by his intoxication and the “Cathy” story so I let him played his tongue on my lips and my mouth as he continued to stroke my hard-on. Then he kissed my neck, my chest, and when he sucked my nipples, I couldn’t control the tickling sensation, “Ahhhhh, Ahhhhhh, am coming Sam, Ahhhhhhhhh! as he accelerated stroking me.
Anticipating that Sam was on the verge of orgasm, I rubbed his dick so hard until he grasped my head to press our mouths together..... “Ugggggghhhhhhh, Ummmmmmmmmm! Ahhhhhhhh!” Sam moaned as we reached the climax almost at the same time.
Our semen splattered all over my body.
It was late in the morning when I and everyone awoke. To my surprise, Sam was not there by my side anymore. My nephew said he asked permission from my Mom to go ahead while everyone was still asleep.
“Ah, maybe he had an urgent thing to attend to” I said to myself. I thought everything was ok.
But on the following class days, Sam seemed to avoid me and never talked nor come with the group anymore. Even in our Psychology class where he would always sit at the front-most seat just opposite Miss Cathy, he sat at the backmost seat, preferring to be all alone, silent and sometimes in a deep thought.
I knew something was wrong.
So one afternoon when he was in the library, I approached him. “Hey, can I talk with you for a moment?” I told him in a somewhat raised tone.
“I am running out of time, Geoff and really busy...” he answered back, as if wanting to leave me there.
“Well, if you are busy then I won’t disturb you. But I would just say this: our group misses you a lot and things are different when you are not there. We are your friend, and if you consider us to be, then nothing should come between us, even if we do weird, nasty or stupid things together. We have the right to know what is bothering you and what keeps you from coming with us. You are the eldest in our group and you know it better Sam. Now if you decide to leave us, then it’s all up to you. But remember, we suffer as much as you do...” And showing my disappointment, I hurriedly turned to leave.
“Geoff!” Sam called out. “Can you stay with me for a while? There is something I would like to tell you” as he gathered his notebooks, stood up and said, “Let’s go to the campus botanical garden. It’s nice there...I can tell you what’s in my stupid mind.”
When we reached the botanical garden, I immediately sat down on the grassy part under the shade of the acacia. “OK, tell me what is in your stupid mind!” I kind of tease him.
He was still serious. He sat down on the grass beside me. “Geoff, you know how obsessed I am with Ma’am Cathy, right?”
“Everyone knows that... so, yeah!” I answered philosophically.
“And... do you still remember that night when we were intoxicated and something happened to us?”
“With the ‘Cathy story’ yeah! And where is this story leading?” I asked impatiently.
“It’s true and I admit it, I’m so obsessed with Ma’am Cathy that all I want is to see her every moment of the day. But when that incident with the two of us happened, it added to my confusion.”
“Shittt! You were bothered by what we did? Yeah, I’m affected too but it’s not like I would kick butts or junk my friend?! Things happen between friends, you know, and the crazier the happening, the deeper is the friendship, right?” I explained to assure him I was fine.
“Geoff, you don’t see the point. It’s not it. Yeah, I’m damn guilty, and I accept responsibility for what happened. But as I am crazy with Ma’am Cathy, what we did just sticks to my mind and it comes back over and over!”
“So...?”
“So, I still feel it, dammit! And I couldn’t get over with it... with you!” Sam shouted like he was on the verge of crying, avoiding contact with my eyes.
“I still don’t understand your point Sam, what’s the big deal?” raising my voice in confusion.
Sam paused for a while then held my shoulders and looked at me, “That... I think I feel something for you, Geoff; that... I love you!!! That’s the big deal, and now, you understand! Are you happy now?” as tears finally rolled down his cheeks, sobbing in front of me like a kid.
I was stupefied. I thought I would laugh and shout to the whole world, “Hey everyone! The campus prince charming is in love with me – hahahahaha!” But all I could do was look at him in pity. I did not know what to say. “But... what about Miss Cathy?”
“That’s why I’m confused, Geoff; really, really messed up. I’m so ashamed with you and our group and I don’t understand what’s going on with me. I love Ma’am Cathy, but I don’t know why I also think of what happened to us... of me!” He wiped his tears.
“As I told you, Sam, it’s no big deal. But if something is bothering you, I can’t help it except to understand... I got to admit, I liked what we did. But that is only up to that, and nothing more. As a friend, I like you – so much. But I don’t know if I could be capable of feeling something beyond that. That is to be honest.” I said in an air of seriousness. And I continued to make him laugh, “But... if you decide to court me, just give me some time, or maybe some chocolates will do”.
Sam smiled. “You are stupid and crazy!” He paused and released a sigh. “Yeah, if only I could... But I can’t imagine myself having to court another guy! Shittt!”
“That would be my greatest achievement! Imagine, the campus idol is courting me? It’s like winning the Mr. Universe title! Hahahaha!” I answered sarcastically.
Sam was silent. “Maybe it would help if I would just stay away from the group for awhile until I can sort things out and be ready to get back with you, guys...”
“And I thought you would court me...” still teasing him.
“Geoff, please... I am serious”
Ok, I’m sorry. Whatever is your decision, go for it. We will be there to support you. Remember, the group is waiting for you, especially me.”
Then he gave me a big hug, did our fraternal handshake, and said goodbye.
“And by the way, you keep our secret, promise me!” He added.
“Yes Sir!”
***
Part 3
About two months had passed since Sam avoided the group. Everyone missed his company, but all I could tell the group was that Sam had a problem which he needed to deal on his own. No one knew the real reason for his change of heart except me.
For two months, Sam never talked with me nor made any contact. Whenever we meet at the corridor or library, we just say “Hi” and that’s it. There was my best friend simply zipping past through me like we were both strangers. It was like stupid. Every time it happens, I would always feel the urge to come and talk with him like we used to. But pride overwhelmed me.
Even in our psychology class, he never sat near us anymore. He seemed like a different person, so far away I couldn’t reach.
Day by day, I felt as if something was lacking. I couldn’t understand myself especially when I remember what Sam confided me the last time we talked at the school’s botanical. That episode just kept coming back to my mind, “Geoff... I feel something for you!” It was breaking my heart.
One week into the first semestral break, Ma’am Cathy called him after class, “Sam, please remain, I’d like to talk with you.” And they gesticulated something I could not figure out.
I could hear my heart throbbing fast. “Did Sam court Miss Cathy and they would be talking about it?” My mind screamed. “And why should I feel jealous? God! Arrgggg! I’m damn confused!”
The following day, I managed to sneak a note into Sam’s notebook, “Sam, can I talk to you - Botanical Garden, 4pm today?”
But Sam did not show up. That night, I cried. I was angry with myself, I was confused, and I did not even know why I was angry nor why did I cry. “Is this the feeling that Sam felt for me too?” My mind protested.
It was the last day of class for that semester when I chanced upon a short note inserted into my notebook, “I’m free at 3pm today, Botanical Garden”.
It was from Sam! I was so excited.
At 3 pm, I was already at the garden seated at the grassy part under the shade of the acacia, the same place two months ago when Sam confided his feeling for me. There was a deep feeling of nostalgia.
“So sorry I’m late!” Sam called out from my back. “I thought I would pass by the canteen and buy something for us to eat while we talk. And it’s my treat for you too” he said as he showed me the two cans of soft drinks and some junk foods. He was still gasping, standing there in front of me with a big grin on his face.
Since my friendship with Sam, that was the first time I noticed and appreciated his looks. He was so gorgeous in his jeans and Nike sneakers, white printed sweats with two blue stripes on both arms; his well-built body and pronounced chest showing off. His hair was long, thick and well-groomed, his uniform set of teeth sparkled, his red lips, magnetizing eyes, dimples, and good-looking face were inviting. But his killer weapon was his alluring and infectious smile. I was simply dumbfounded.
“No wonder everyone calls him the campus crush” I murmured.
“Hey, will you just be staring at me?” He teased.
He laid down the drinks and foods on the grass, sat beside me, and extended his hand in our fraternal hug-shake.
“I can’t believe you’re here! I thought you would ignore my note...” I said
“Why would I ignore...?” he butted, “Me, to ignore Mr. Geoffrey Lopez, the cutest guy in the whole campus and the third most intelligent person in this College? Hahaha!” He sarcastically laughed explaining that my name was already at the honors list posted that afternoon. “You are my best friend and even if you are not in the top list of whatever, nothing can change that. The truth is I am so happy that you sent me that note. I am dying to talk to you like this!”
“The group misses you a lot!”
“Wow!” He paused as he naughtily looked me in the eyes. “But… no one particular person in the group?”
“Hahahahaha! If you mean me, Sam, of course I missed you – more than anyone else!”
“Really! Hmmm, keeping myself away paid up, huh! So what is it that you want to tell me, Mr. Lopez?” as he lay on the grass placing his head on my lap, playfully tossing a few crackers into his mouth and sipped his drink.
“I don’t know how to start...” I paused for a while. And in a serious tone, “Do you still remember that time when you told me you had a feeling for --”
“Yeah...yeah!” He cut. “Before I forget, I have a good news first: Ma’am Cathy and I are already in a relationship! Yessssss!”
“What?!!! How did it happen?” I yelled removing his head from my lap in a veiled gesture of protest. My mood suddenly changed like I was hit by a thunderbolt. There was a sudden surge of grief, pain, jealousy, and helplessness. I could feel tears looming in my eyes.
“I risked sending her letters since a month ago, she replied to all my letters! And last week, we talked over it and that’s it!”
“As simple as that? Damn! She is so easy! Don’t you think Miss Cathy could be culpable of unprofessional, unethical, or immoral conduct in having a romantic relation with her student? She could be fired by the school, or... she could even be charged with corruption of minor!” I reasoned.
“Hahahahaha! Corruption of minor, very funny...” He laughed emphasizing the words ‘corruption of minor’. “You’re kidding, right?”
“No!”
“Oh Geoff, you are overreacting again...” He scratched his head, knowing my non-concurrence to his news. “First, I am nineteen and Cathy is only 22; second, she is single and so am I; and third, what’s the use of the word ‘secret’ Geoff? We agreed to keep it, and it’s only you whom I have told this. Aren’t you happy for me?”
“Yeah, I am... and shit! Congratulations!” clasping his hand with some hesitation. “How about that... something you told me, your feelings... for me.” I asked, controlling the looming tears in my eyes.
Sam paused for a moment, looked down and as if he did not hear me, asked, “What is it again that you want to tell me?”
“Oh, forget that stupid thing!” I just wanted to know what happened to you and your Cathy. That’s all!” I answered, with deep anguish inside me.
But Sam was insensitive or he just played innocent. “So, well... this calls for a celebration, right? - That I’m back; that you’re in the honor’s list; and that Cathy and I are in a relation. And since there is no class tomorrow, we will do it in your place tonight! What do you say, Geoff?”
I felt a mix of emotions to his proposal – anger, and happiness of having him back. I thought I would pass yelling, “Celebration... your face!” But the excitement of having him back prevailed.
“...With the two of us only?”
“Why not? All the other jerks have gone to their places already coz tomorrow starts the semestral break! Yesssss!” He was damn happy.
***
Part 4
In my place that night, Sam did all the dinner preparations. “This is my treat Geoff, my way of compensating for what you missed in two months. So let me do everything.”
“OK, you’re the boss!” I said.
Sam was always like that. Even with the group during our bonding, outing, or picnicking, he would take the initiative to do whatever he thought needed to be done. He would cook, grill, fry, wash dishes, carry something, gather firewood, or buy anything... He was full of energy, teamwork, and diligence.
When everything was done, he called me, “Jan-jarannnnn! There you go! The word for tonight is ‘grilled’: grilled chicken, grilled fish and grilled squid complete with sauce, tomatoes, onions and hot pepper, your all-time favorite!”
He reached for his knapsack and took one huge candle, lit it and placed it at the middle of the table. He took another item – a streamer with the words, “To the Best Friendship of Sam and Geoff!” He posted it on the wall.
“Wowwwww! How romantic – GRRRRRRRR!” I sarcastically remarked. “Don’t tell me you have roses for me too!”
“Hahahahahaha!” We both laughed, as he pulled out one chair and guided for me to sit on.
After our dinner, we drank at the terrace. As usual we talked about those normal things in school, what the group did when he was not with us, our plans for the next semester and for the future.
It was past 10 when we already felt the intoxication in our blood. The topic moved to some controversial ones.
“Sam, do you really love Miss Cathy?” I asked in a serious tone.
“Of course I do...” as he gulped the whole content of alcohol in his glass, and then another one.
“What happened to... your feelings for me? I’m sorry I brought this out again. I know you ignored this question in the garden.”
“Yeah, I intentionally ignored it. But you know, Geoff, I’ve promised myself not to talk about it anymore... what for? It’s not helping nor leading to anything. And even if it would lead to something, I wouldn’t want it. I just can’t... and I hope you would respect that.”
“What for...? You mean you lied to me when you said that?”
“I did not lie, Geoff and I’m not a liar! Just remember, I have never told you any lies!” he said raising his voice.
“Then why can’t you tell me straight if you still have that damn feeling?” I asked him in an equally raised voice.
“I can’t say anything and there is nothing to say! Look Geoff, I have swallowed my pride in saying that to you. Wasn’t that enough already? What more do you want? If you want to know, why can’t you just feel it, ok? How about this: do you understand why I still come here? Did you not notice I sent you a note just today and chose this timing, our last day of school and without the intrusion of our other friends? Did you not see that damn candle and streamer I was bringing with me in my bag for that stupid dinner? If you still don’t feel it, then you don’t deserve to be in that stupid honor’s list, Mr. Lopez, coz you’re an idiot! God…! If you only knew how my heart broke when I was away from you!” Sam shouted, laid his head on the table and sobbed.
I was glued there for a moment. I could not say anything, realizing how selfish, insensitive, and judgmental I was. I thought I knew Sam that much already.
“Yeah, you’re right Sam I just have to feel it, and understand...” I said to myself.
Then he went to the toilet and threw out. He was so intoxicated he could not walk straight back. So we stopped drinking and I helped him to bed... I wiped and cleaned his face, removed his shoes, socks, shirt, and changed his pants with my spare shorts.
As I watched him lay there, I couldn’t help admiring his sculpted abs with his fine black hairs lining down from his navel towards underneath his brief, his fair smooth skin, his robust chest and well-formed biceps, his lips, thick long hair, pointed nose, immaculate face. He looked so naive and perfect. The sight of him just took my breath away. “Here is this guy – so lively, full of vigor and whom many people so love and idolize but now lying vulnerably and seemingly lifeless in front of me,” I murmured and released a deep sigh.
I turned off the lights, lay on the bed beside him.
A few minutes later, he woke up, turned to me, hugged me and arched his legs over my midsection. He did not say anything. He just moved his head towards me; his lips searched mine. I kissed him back. It was long and passionate. We relished every moment of it, playing our tongues in our mouths together.
We ran our hands and lips to every part of our body – the face, the neck, the chest, the stomach... everywhere. We savored every contact of our flesh, every touch of our skin, every breath we took together, filling the room with our moans as the cries of the cicadas and other nocturnal creatures filled the silence outside. And, when we both reached the summit, our moans got stronger, and stronger, and stronger. “Ahhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhh!”
When we were done, we took some rest and, did it again – a few times over until we lay flat on the bed in complete exhaustion.
Then he faced me, twiddled his hands on my cheek, his eyes overflowed with passion. “Geoff, I’m sorry I was angry. But I got to tell you this: I love you. I really do!”
My fingers reached for his mouth and covered it, “Shhhhhh, you don’t have to say it, Sam; I felt it already“
He pressed his lips against mine and the room was filled with our moans again...
***
Part 5
Semestral break came. Three times in a week, Sam would visit me and sleep in my place. As his place was 25 kilometers away, he would come by his motorbike. Sometimes we would go places: to the park, beach, visit friends or his place, or just stay in my place swimming in the creek, fishing or picnicking together with my cousins. It was one of my happiest school breaks.
One day during the last week of the break, Sam’s parents invited me to a dinner. His parents knew I was their son’s best friend and they treated me like a family member.
At the dinner table, Sam’s father asked me, “I heard you are in the top three honor’s list, Geoff, congratulations! Keep it up!” then turning to Sam, “But how about Sam in school? I observed he was not doing as much as I expected. And I heard there’s one teacher there whom he has a crush with? I hope she’s not the reason for his dull performance. Is he courting her?”
“A, er...” I was gasping for words to say.
“Dad, don’t bring this topic here please?” Sam intervened in a pleading tone.
“Sam, I am asking Geoff. I just want to be sure that you are doing your best to study” his Dad answered, then turned to me. “So, Geoff is this true?”
Sam seated opposite me winked his eyes and gestured like he wanted me to say “no” and to cut the conversation. But I proceeded to answer his Dad’s question. “A... for the crush, yes Sir. It’s Miss Cathy, our psychology professor. But everyone has a crush on her too including all our friends...”
“How old is she?”
“Dad, please...” Sam pleaded for his father to stop the conversation about Cathy.
I looked at Sam. He stooped in disappointment sensing I would answer the question anyway. “Miss Cathy is nearly 23 but she looks younger.”
Then in an air of suspicion, his Dad asked again, “Geoff, does Sam visit you almost everyday? Coz there are times Sam doesn’t sleep here all night and there are times too that he comes at already dawn... and when I would ask him, it’s always your name he mentions”
I was stunned by the question coz Sam hadn’t visited me everyday and if ever he sleeps in my place, he would not leave at dawn. I looked at Sam. He was equally stunned and could not look at me. Then he suddenly stood up and walked out in protest.
“Sam! Where are you going?” His mom and dad inquired.
Sam didn’t answer and proceeded to walk. After a few minutes, we heard his motorcycle run.
“See that? He is a different person now! I don’t even know if he’s my son! I have been observing him acting strange these past few months. He has changed in everything! He is absent-minded, his grades are low, and he is always out. I don’t know what’s going on with him!”
“We should understand Sam, Bert. He is in that age. It should be tough on him...” Sam’s mom pacified.
But I reasoned to cover Sam even if there was anguish in me and a feeling of betrayal. “A.. er, Sir, Sam comes to my place normally on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays... but maybe he visits our other friends too!”
“I hope that what you said is true, Geoff coz there was a time I heard him talking with someone over the phone and it was this ‘Cathy’”
I felt like an insult was added into my injury. My anguish amplified, and I wanted to smack Sam so hard in the face to at least let him feel my pain. I felt like my world turned upside down. I thought I would leave right there and then. But civility prevailed over me.
After an hour, Sam came back. Sam’s parents wanted me to stay overnight but my feeling of disgust so overwhelmed me that I thought it was not a good thing to do. So I asked to be excused and they asked Sam to send me home on his motorbike.
The more my anger grew. But I had no choice, lest Sam’s parents might suspect. And as Sam started his motorbike he shouted, “Mom, I’ll stay overnight at Geoff’s place!”
On the way, I couldn’t control myself yelling, “Why did you use me, Sam?!!! Why did you not tell me everything?!!! What have I done wrong to deserve this?!!!...”
Sam yelled back, “We will talk this over in your house, ok?!”
But I did not stop, “I want it now, Sam, tell me why? I want an explanation now! Why? Why?!!!” hitting his back with my fist.
Sam absorbed my punch but did not move nor give an answer. Instead, he drove the motorcycle at full speed that even in curves he wouldn’t slow down. I held myself tightly to his body in total panic. “What are you doing?!!!”
“It is better if we die together now!” Sam shouted at the peak of his voice.
So I shut up and kept my silence until we arrived. I did not talk to him. I went directly to my room and dropped myself flat on the bed as Sam followed me without saying a word.
He sat on the edge of the bed. Then stooping and in a poignant and hesitant tone said, “Geoff... I am so sorry for what I did. I did not tell you I was with Cathy too because I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t know what to do... I’m so confused. Everyday, I think of you, and then I think of Cathy. The truth is I try to force myself to forget you, and have happy relations with Cathy. But you are always there and I don’t understand... I can’t think straight, I don’t even know how to get you out of my mind....” he narrated as tears rolled down his cheeks.
And I cried there listening to him, but I just let him talk.
“Dad was right. I have changed, and he doesn’t understand me. But only if I understand what’s happening to me too... It’s like everyone is against me now, even my family. And I am even afraid to face the future!” He finally broke down sobbing.
My anger gradually melted and replaced by compassion. I held his hand. He hugged me tight. He was still sobbing.
“You are the only person left who understands me, Geoff. I don’t want to lose you, so please I’m sorry. Don’t be mad at me!” Sam pleaded.
I stroked his hair and kissed his cheek. “I understand now Sam, don’t worry.” I returned his hug.
We stayed in that position for a couple of minutes, just hugging, caressing, feeling each other’s presence, and assuring ourselves that we will not let each other down.
I stood up and took two bottles of beer and we drank. As our emotions subsided, Sam initiated a conversation, “There is something I would like to tell you, Geoff...”
“Go ahead.”
“Do you still remember that time when you asked about my feelings for you and I ignored it?”
“Yeah?”
“It’s about us, our status; that... even if we do sex together, all I want is the friendship, no matter how emotionally involved we are to each other. Friendship lasts, Geoff... and it’s all I want.
“What do you mean?”
“Remember I told you we just need to feel and to trust each other without necessarily saying ‘I love you’? Coz it’s the best thing to do. I don’t want you to commit yourself with me... not because I don’t want it. God! If you only knew how I wished I could shout to the whole world I love you and you are my... boyfriend. But, I can’t coz if I do, I will be ruining our lives and our future. Geoff, you are intelligent, a student council member, and even have the potential to be council president. Many people admire you, look up to you, trust you. You have a clean image in the campus, a model student. Can you imagine yourself if one day someone asks straight to your face, ‘Geoff, is it true that Sam is your boyfriend?’ Can you stand that? And this, don’t you dream of having a family of your own one day, and have kids...? Everyone wants it Geoff, and you are stupid if you don’t. And all I want is when we reach that point in our lives, we are still there for each other, care for each other, support each other, feel the love, the trust and the friendship... don’t you want that?”
I couldn’t say a word for what Sam had said. His words hit me hard and pierced deep into my heart. There was shock, an unexplained feeling of guilt and self-pity. Then tears filled my eyes and sobbed there as Sam gave me a hug and a pat in my back.
“But how about us, Sam... how about me?” I asked in a deep sense of insecurity.
“Nothing changes, Geoff, with you and me. Everything we did, we still do. I won’t stop coming here, and if there is still a part of me in your heart, I am just here. Nothing changes... I promise. As I said, we just don’t have to say ‘I love you’; we just have to feel it”, as he took my hand and guided it into his chest, “You have a part here in my heart, Geoff, do you feel it?”
I held my hand on his chest for a long time and felt its beat..., “Yeah, I can feel it Sam, I can feel it”
Sam never said anymore words. He hugged me tight and pressed his lips against mine. Then we both lay on the bed, full of energy and desire. We removed our clothes, savor the electrifying touch of our flesh, and fathom the depths and the heights of our raging emotions.
And then again, the room was filled with the sounds of our moans...
***
Part 6 (Last Part)
School days came and having Sam back with the group, everything was normal; of course, except for the secret relations of Sam and me, and Sam and Cathy. No one knew that secret. As usual, the group would go to my place on some weekend get-together; swimming at the creek, catching fish, going on a picnic, do our assignments together, or drink our favorite “tuba”, a native coconut wine. And if the group would not come to my place, Sam will come alone and stay with me. Everything was just perfect.
But few days into the next semestral break Sam & Miss Cathy’s relationship was exposed. It spread like a wildfire in the campus. And the worst thing was that Miss Cathy was pregnant!
I was stunned. So I thought of confronting Sam about it. In the evening, Sam came and just as he stepped into the living room he said, “Geoff, I think you heard the rumor already...”
“What rumor?” I asked playing innocent.
“...About Cathy and me. And she’s pregnant. This morning the School Director terminated her employment.” Sam said anxiously.
I didn’t know if I would be angry or would pity him. But the thought of losing him stuck to my mind. “So what is your plan now?”
“I don’t know? If this reaches my Dad and Mom, surely they will be furious. Secondly, I don’t know how Cathy will handle all these; her life is in a mess, she has no more job... and it’s all because of me!”
“Yeah, there’s no one to blame, Sam but you. Coz you are stupid and self-centered. And all you want is for people to understand you. You don’t care about me, and you don’t care about my feelings!” I yelled at him.
“God! Do I have to tell you, everything Geoff? We talked about this already. I told you all about this... do you need to know when, where and how Cathy and I had sex together? When you learned that Cathy and I had a relationship, what did you expect us to do – say the rosary or the novena in her room, ha?!” Sam raised his voice.
“Yeah, but I told you to be careful and responsible, Sam! And you can have a relationship with her without sex! See what happens now – it’s all because of your stupidity!” I blamed him.
“Yeah, I got your point, Geoff and everyone’s stupid points. Now what? You want me to kill myself? I accept responsibility for all of these, it’s my fault. What do I need to do in order to get my life back, our lives back, Geoff; it’s what I want to know! Shit!!” Sam yelled.
I paused for sometime. “I don’t know Sam... It’s not easy...”
“Geoff, everyone is pointing fingers on me and Cathy, even my family now... It’s only you who understand me and who could give me guidance. Please be there for me.”
“Yeah, Sam, I know. It’s what you have always told me, just to feel you, and to understand you...” I said in an air of self-pity and sarcasm. Then I paused in deep thought, flashed my mind back to where Sam and I had started and discerned. And with a sense of deep sadness and self-denial, I gathered my whole strength to say the harshest and most masochistic advice, “You marry her, Sam, you marry Ma’am Cathy.” Then I went straight to my room to avoid Sam from seeing me cry.
Sam was stunned there to hear such words from me. After a few minutes, he followed to my room, sat on the edge of my bed and caressed my hair. “Geoff, you don’t have to say that. I will try my best to find a way that I can’t marry Cathy...”
“Then you are running away from your responsibility, Sam.”
“No... only to delay it until I am ready for it. I will persuade Cathy and my parents that I got to finish my studies first and let us see what happens then...”
I was temporarily relieved by what Sam said. But my thoughts went for Miss Cathy; will she allow it considering her situation? And knowing that Sam’s parents are deeply religious...? “I don’t know Sam, I don’t know...” I said worrying about such a possibility.
Sam didn’t stay long that night. He was so worried about things and what could be the reaction of his parents upon knowing the situation.
The following day, Sam never went to school. I just learned that he was suspended until the end of the semester and will just be given special arrangements to comply with the requirements for the finals. Like Miss Cathy, he was nowhere to be seen in the Campus. It was an incomplete student life without Sam. And not knowing what happened to him added to my anxiety.
On the night of the last day of school, Sam came to my house. He looked very sad, and his eyes as if he had never slept for nights. His vigor, happy disposition and strong enthusiasm for life had gone. I was worried.
“Geoff, they have already decided everything. Cathy and I will get married on Sunday next week; after the marriage we will go to Cathy’s province so Cathy can find a job there; father will continue to shoulder my education in her province until I finish my course...” Then he added, “I want you to be there on my wedding, Geoff; you will be my best man and all the other friends are my groom’s men.”
It was like my world had collapsed instantly and I stopped breathing; I felt a knife cut my heart into pieces and my dreams and aspirations blew apart. Tears immediately filled my eyes.
“They decided it for you, Sam? What did you say? You told me you will try to convince them not to marry Cathy yet...”
“It was my father’s choice, Geoff... and he was furious, I couldn’t say any word. You know Dad when he is angry...”
Then in all humility and understanding amidst tremendous feeling of loss and devastation, I hugged Sam as he hugged me. We cried together, hang on to each other like two helpless and wounded people, victims of circumstances and events and with whom the world had disdained and judged. We stayed in that position for a long time.
Then we drank, releasing all the bitterness inside. And when we were already intoxicated, we made love like it would be our last time together. We kissed passionately like we had never kissed before; we felt and relish the presence of each other and we hugged like there’s no tomorrow.
It was late in the afternoon when Sam decided to leave. Before he left, “Geoff always remember this: whatever happens, you will always have a part in my heart.” as he removed his white gold left earring, and next his jacket and shirt. Then from his jacket, he took a pocket bible. “Take these items, Geoff and keep these so you will remember me always...” handing them to me.
I took the items. Then I removed my shirt and my silver bracelet, “I want you to take these also, Sam. Please keep them, and take care of them...”
Sam put on the shirt I gave him, slid the bracelet into his pocket and then caressing my cheek, “Geoff, in case a time comes when I am not there and you would want me, just press your hand to your chest and feel your heartbeat, coz when you feel it’s beating, you know that my heart beats with it too.” Then he took my hand and guided it into his chest, assuring me of his undying feeling.
I felt his heartbeat, and I nodded, as tears again flowed into my eyes. Then I kissed him, hugged him and we did our fraternal handshake.
Wedding day came. In spite of my mind screaming for me not to show up, I bravely stood there as Sam’s best man, as I promised. But I did it not just for my promise; I did it also for the thought that being Sam’s best man I should be the first person to be there for Sam, no matter what happens. That was my only consolation. But it was so tough being there, having to pretend I was happy when deep down, my heart bled and grieved. I couldn’t explain my feeling. It was like I died over and over. And every time someone would greet Sam and Cathy, “Congratulations!” I felt my heart was ripped apart.
In the altar, Sam looked so magnificent and so good-looking in his black suit and dark pants as he stood there waiting for Cathy. His hair was clean shaven as a protest, although he still looked equally dazzling as he was with his long hair. When I looked at his wrist, there was my bracelet. I looked at Sam’s eyes; they were tough hiding the strong pent-up feelings that tortured him inside. He was like a person whose body was there, but whose spirit flew away... with mine.
When the priest finally asked him if he would take Cathy as his wife, there was something in me that could explode any moment. Sam looked behind him and searched his eyes. And when our eyes met, I pressed my hand into my chest, feeling my heartbeat, “Sam, I can feel you here...” I murmured. But when Sam finally said, “I do” my tears just flowed down uncontrollably.
After the wedding, I asked to be excused telling everyone that I did not feel well. Sam wanted me to stay, to be with our group, but I told him it would not help me to stay there with a pretense smile.
I locked myself in the room. In the evening, I could not sleep. I imagined that while I stayed there on my bed alone, there was Sam and Cathy together. My mind flashed back those days when I first met Sam, when he told me his feelings under the shade of the acacia and how I laughed at him for that; how I turned to fall in love with him later; when we would be alone together as if the world belonged to us; when he gave me that candlelight dinner with the streamer; when we had our little arguments which would end up in hugging and pacifying each other; when I would ride with him on his motorbike and he would intentionally drive fast so I would lock myself tightly into his body; all the things which made us laugh and cry together. Those were still fresh on my mind. And as the bed I was lying down was a testament to our love, my hands spread to search for his body. But he was not there anymore. My tears just kept flowing...
I went to my locker and took Sam’s shirt and jacket and wore them. I wore his earring too. But still, I was craving for more.
Then my mind was focused on the bible that Sam gave me. I read it... over and over, reflecting the words that might give me the answers as to why I should suffer, or let go of the one I love, and why it should happen to me and Sam. It did not give me the direct answers. But it helped ease my feeling to know that life was full of trials and obstacles, and of pain and sufferings, and that my suffering could probably be little compared with someone’s suffering out there. I did not know how long I had stayed in that position. But I just thanked God that I made it through the next day.
The next semester started without Sam and Miss Cathy. I felt like I was a new-born person studying in an unfamiliar school, except for the acacia tree at the botanical garden which always reminded me of Sam. There was a feeling of nostalgia and kind of disorientation.
But gradually, I managed to fully let go and accept what happened.
As for Sam, he continued to exchange updates and greetings with me and the group. And true to his promise, he would visit me in my place in every opportune time whenever he gets to my province. And when his first baby was baptized, the whole group visited him, and I was one of the godfathers.
Two years later, I was elected student council president as Sam had thought I would one day be. And during my victory party, Sam attended as one of my special guests. But at that time, I already moved on. In fact, I had already a girlfriend with whom I gladly introduced to Sam, who also happily approved her for me.
Now, Sam has four children and I got two. And even if we have already our own separate families, our friendship remained strong. Sam even suggested that we will match his eldest fifteen-year-old son with my ten year-old daughter so that if it succeeds our thwarted story will continue and get fulfilled in them.
Sam is now thirty-five and I’m thirty-two but even when we meet we still do the “chest-pressing” of our hands. Then we would laugh knowing that only the two of us knew what it meant.
I know that for as long as I live, Sam will remain to hold a special place in my heart. And if I have to live my life all over again and choose someone to share it with; I’d still go... for Sam.
(End)
-----------------------------
Part 1:
I was in my first year of college when I started to be a little enterprising about anything. I tried a little of cigarette and alcohol. And although I considered myself to be kind of aloof and picky when it comes to friends, I got a handful of close male friends with whom I would always hang around with.
Our favorite hangout was my place. My sister had this two-story house just opposite ours and her whole family moved to the big city for good. She left the house under my charge. It was a perfect hotbed for some nasty undertakings.
Well, actually, not really nasty. All I and my friends wanted was to share time and fun like go fishing or swimming in the nearby creek, harvest young coconut, sweet potato or banana, grill freshly harvested young corn, chicken from our livestock, or the fish we caught. And when there would be no class the following day we would either campfire in the middle of the coconut plantation, or stay indoor overnight and buy the province’ most popular drink, “tuba”.
One day, the group gathered in my place and we decided to have a drink indoors. As usual, we talked and discussed about matters of the day as a glass of wine would be passed around for each turn of drink. It was already past midnight when we felt the intoxication in our blood and decided to call it a day. As usual, we all went to the second floor which, as always, served as our barrack. Everyone lay on the floor, side by side.
The light was turned off for the big sleep.
Suddenly, Sam who lay beside me shouted, “I love you Ma’am Cathy, how can you be mine!”
Everyone burst into laughter, “Yeah, she’s damn beautiful!” the other guys agreed in unison.
Sam was the oldest guy in our group. He was 19, well-built, tall, intelligent, and handsome. The truth is many girls had a crush on him. For his good looks, he earned the title “campus crush”.
Cathy was our teacher in Psychology. She was new to the campus, just 23 years old, smart, and really beautiful. She had a long hair, a fair complexion, and was very trendy. While everyone admired her smartness, all the boys adored and fantasized her beauty.
“Have you seen her this morning sitting in front of the class? Gee, my eyes were glued straight in between her legs! And while she was discussing about the Sigmund Freud thing, my mind was focused on screwing her up right there! Ah... shit! I was so turned on I could ejaculate just in front of her!“ Sam said showing off an air of frustration.
“Hahahahahaha!” We all laughed. “Really?”
“Yeah, and I think I’m in love with her! Every time she looks at me and calls me to recite, damn! I would just melt there and forget all about all my answers. And all my mind could say is that ‘Ma’am, psychology is having sex with you – a lot! Hmm! I wish she were here with me nowwwwwww, uhhhhhhhh Cathy, Cathyyyyyy.....” as he hugged me tight, pushed his hard-on on me and kissed my cheek playfully imagining that I was his “Cathy”.
***
Part 2
And then I added teasing him, “Suddenly, our Theology professor Father Bernard appeared, sprinkling you with the holy water shouting fiercely, ‘The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you...!’”
“Arrrggggggghhhhhh!! Shittttt! What’s the matter with you, Geoff? What does Father Bernard have to do with this? You’re ruining the story! You’re ruining my damn concentration!” Sam snapped.
Everyone burst into laughter.
“Don’t you know I’m almost there? Arrggggghhhh! Shiiitttt! Ok, now continue without the damn sprinkling of the holy water... please?” Sam pleaded.
“Ok... as Miss Cathy sat on the edge of your bed gently touching your hair, nose, and face as you lie there, she finally reaches for your pants and unzips it, then... her fingers touch your manhood,” Sam hurriedly unzipped and released his hard-on. “She feels it... it’s warm, very hard, and throbbing. She holds your hand and in an alluring voice she whispered into your ears, ‘Sam, touch me; touch every part of my body. I’m so steamy and so wet inside, and I’m all yours. Do it now, Sam. Please…’”
Sam moved his hand...on me! He was actually touching me! I was stupefied! But as I was also intensely affected by my own story, I let him, and continued...
“You touch her breasts and run your fingers there, feel it, press it... harder and harder. Then you run your hand on her neck, face, nose, lips... Miss Cathy keeps moaning, ‘ahhhhhh, ahhhhhhh! Oh, Sam you’re so goooood, ohhhhhhh!’ Your fingers manipulate her breasts again; fondle them, press them, and hold her nipples. Then you move your hand down to her stomach, her navel, stay there for a while, then down... down... down”
Sam followed everything I said doing it all on me as I was totally carried away with the overflowing sensation.
“Down Sam, some more, more... and yeah” Sam moved his hand underneath my brief and held my hard-on! I couldn’t believe he was so horny and in a trance-like state I could ask him to do everything! And as I lay there on my back, I hurriedly unzipped my pants to let him stroke freely my dick!
“Ahhhhhh”, I moaned now forgetting all about Miss Cathy. “Yeah, Sam, I like it, yeah... oh God, I like it, ahhhhhhh!” I whispered into Sam’s ear as he continued to stroke me.
Suddenly Sam took my hand and led it to his hard-on. I obliged hesitatingly. I tried to turn my head to our other friends in the room to check if they were sleeping or watching us. But all I could see were silhouettes... and they’re moving – all of them are masturbating!
So I stroked Sam’s hard-on too as he did mine, “Ahhhhh! Ahhhhhh!” as our moans filled the room.
I was in a state of ecstasy when another surprise struck me – Sam positioned himself on top of me and kissed me on the lips! I thought he was just carried away by his intoxication and the “Cathy” story so I let him played his tongue on my lips and my mouth as he continued to stroke my hard-on. Then he kissed my neck, my chest, and when he sucked my nipples, I couldn’t control the tickling sensation, “Ahhhhh, Ahhhhhh, am coming Sam, Ahhhhhhhhh! as he accelerated stroking me.
Anticipating that Sam was on the verge of orgasm, I rubbed his dick so hard until he grasped my head to press our mouths together..... “Ugggggghhhhhhh, Ummmmmmmmmm! Ahhhhhhhh!” Sam moaned as we reached the climax almost at the same time.
Our semen splattered all over my body.
It was late in the morning when I and everyone awoke. To my surprise, Sam was not there by my side anymore. My nephew said he asked permission from my Mom to go ahead while everyone was still asleep.
“Ah, maybe he had an urgent thing to attend to” I said to myself. I thought everything was ok.
But on the following class days, Sam seemed to avoid me and never talked nor come with the group anymore. Even in our Psychology class where he would always sit at the front-most seat just opposite Miss Cathy, he sat at the backmost seat, preferring to be all alone, silent and sometimes in a deep thought.
I knew something was wrong.
So one afternoon when he was in the library, I approached him. “Hey, can I talk with you for a moment?” I told him in a somewhat raised tone.
“I am running out of time, Geoff and really busy...” he answered back, as if wanting to leave me there.
“Well, if you are busy then I won’t disturb you. But I would just say this: our group misses you a lot and things are different when you are not there. We are your friend, and if you consider us to be, then nothing should come between us, even if we do weird, nasty or stupid things together. We have the right to know what is bothering you and what keeps you from coming with us. You are the eldest in our group and you know it better Sam. Now if you decide to leave us, then it’s all up to you. But remember, we suffer as much as you do...” And showing my disappointment, I hurriedly turned to leave.
“Geoff!” Sam called out. “Can you stay with me for a while? There is something I would like to tell you” as he gathered his notebooks, stood up and said, “Let’s go to the campus botanical garden. It’s nice there...I can tell you what’s in my stupid mind.”
When we reached the botanical garden, I immediately sat down on the grassy part under the shade of the acacia. “OK, tell me what is in your stupid mind!” I kind of tease him.
He was still serious. He sat down on the grass beside me. “Geoff, you know how obsessed I am with Ma’am Cathy, right?”
“Everyone knows that... so, yeah!” I answered philosophically.
“And... do you still remember that night when we were intoxicated and something happened to us?”
“With the ‘Cathy story’ yeah! And where is this story leading?” I asked impatiently.
“It’s true and I admit it, I’m so obsessed with Ma’am Cathy that all I want is to see her every moment of the day. But when that incident with the two of us happened, it added to my confusion.”
“Shittt! You were bothered by what we did? Yeah, I’m affected too but it’s not like I would kick butts or junk my friend?! Things happen between friends, you know, and the crazier the happening, the deeper is the friendship, right?” I explained to assure him I was fine.
“Geoff, you don’t see the point. It’s not it. Yeah, I’m damn guilty, and I accept responsibility for what happened. But as I am crazy with Ma’am Cathy, what we did just sticks to my mind and it comes back over and over!”
“So...?”
“So, I still feel it, dammit! And I couldn’t get over with it... with you!” Sam shouted like he was on the verge of crying, avoiding contact with my eyes.
“I still don’t understand your point Sam, what’s the big deal?” raising my voice in confusion.
Sam paused for a while then held my shoulders and looked at me, “That... I think I feel something for you, Geoff; that... I love you!!! That’s the big deal, and now, you understand! Are you happy now?” as tears finally rolled down his cheeks, sobbing in front of me like a kid.
I was stupefied. I thought I would laugh and shout to the whole world, “Hey everyone! The campus prince charming is in love with me – hahahahaha!” But all I could do was look at him in pity. I did not know what to say. “But... what about Miss Cathy?”
“That’s why I’m confused, Geoff; really, really messed up. I’m so ashamed with you and our group and I don’t understand what’s going on with me. I love Ma’am Cathy, but I don’t know why I also think of what happened to us... of me!” He wiped his tears.
“As I told you, Sam, it’s no big deal. But if something is bothering you, I can’t help it except to understand... I got to admit, I liked what we did. But that is only up to that, and nothing more. As a friend, I like you – so much. But I don’t know if I could be capable of feeling something beyond that. That is to be honest.” I said in an air of seriousness. And I continued to make him laugh, “But... if you decide to court me, just give me some time, or maybe some chocolates will do”.
Sam smiled. “You are stupid and crazy!” He paused and released a sigh. “Yeah, if only I could... But I can’t imagine myself having to court another guy! Shittt!”
“That would be my greatest achievement! Imagine, the campus idol is courting me? It’s like winning the Mr. Universe title! Hahahaha!” I answered sarcastically.
Sam was silent. “Maybe it would help if I would just stay away from the group for awhile until I can sort things out and be ready to get back with you, guys...”
“And I thought you would court me...” still teasing him.
“Geoff, please... I am serious”
Ok, I’m sorry. Whatever is your decision, go for it. We will be there to support you. Remember, the group is waiting for you, especially me.”
Then he gave me a big hug, did our fraternal handshake, and said goodbye.
“And by the way, you keep our secret, promise me!” He added.
“Yes Sir!”
***
Part 3
About two months had passed since Sam avoided the group. Everyone missed his company, but all I could tell the group was that Sam had a problem which he needed to deal on his own. No one knew the real reason for his change of heart except me.
For two months, Sam never talked with me nor made any contact. Whenever we meet at the corridor or library, we just say “Hi” and that’s it. There was my best friend simply zipping past through me like we were both strangers. It was like stupid. Every time it happens, I would always feel the urge to come and talk with him like we used to. But pride overwhelmed me.
Even in our psychology class, he never sat near us anymore. He seemed like a different person, so far away I couldn’t reach.
Day by day, I felt as if something was lacking. I couldn’t understand myself especially when I remember what Sam confided me the last time we talked at the school’s botanical. That episode just kept coming back to my mind, “Geoff... I feel something for you!” It was breaking my heart.
One week into the first semestral break, Ma’am Cathy called him after class, “Sam, please remain, I’d like to talk with you.” And they gesticulated something I could not figure out.
I could hear my heart throbbing fast. “Did Sam court Miss Cathy and they would be talking about it?” My mind screamed. “And why should I feel jealous? God! Arrgggg! I’m damn confused!”
The following day, I managed to sneak a note into Sam’s notebook, “Sam, can I talk to you - Botanical Garden, 4pm today?”
But Sam did not show up. That night, I cried. I was angry with myself, I was confused, and I did not even know why I was angry nor why did I cry. “Is this the feeling that Sam felt for me too?” My mind protested.
It was the last day of class for that semester when I chanced upon a short note inserted into my notebook, “I’m free at 3pm today, Botanical Garden”.
It was from Sam! I was so excited.
At 3 pm, I was already at the garden seated at the grassy part under the shade of the acacia, the same place two months ago when Sam confided his feeling for me. There was a deep feeling of nostalgia.
“So sorry I’m late!” Sam called out from my back. “I thought I would pass by the canteen and buy something for us to eat while we talk. And it’s my treat for you too” he said as he showed me the two cans of soft drinks and some junk foods. He was still gasping, standing there in front of me with a big grin on his face.
Since my friendship with Sam, that was the first time I noticed and appreciated his looks. He was so gorgeous in his jeans and Nike sneakers, white printed sweats with two blue stripes on both arms; his well-built body and pronounced chest showing off. His hair was long, thick and well-groomed, his uniform set of teeth sparkled, his red lips, magnetizing eyes, dimples, and good-looking face were inviting. But his killer weapon was his alluring and infectious smile. I was simply dumbfounded.
“No wonder everyone calls him the campus crush” I murmured.
“Hey, will you just be staring at me?” He teased.
He laid down the drinks and foods on the grass, sat beside me, and extended his hand in our fraternal hug-shake.
“I can’t believe you’re here! I thought you would ignore my note...” I said
“Why would I ignore...?” he butted, “Me, to ignore Mr. Geoffrey Lopez, the cutest guy in the whole campus and the third most intelligent person in this College? Hahaha!” He sarcastically laughed explaining that my name was already at the honors list posted that afternoon. “You are my best friend and even if you are not in the top list of whatever, nothing can change that. The truth is I am so happy that you sent me that note. I am dying to talk to you like this!”
“The group misses you a lot!”
“Wow!” He paused as he naughtily looked me in the eyes. “But… no one particular person in the group?”
“Hahahahaha! If you mean me, Sam, of course I missed you – more than anyone else!”
“Really! Hmmm, keeping myself away paid up, huh! So what is it that you want to tell me, Mr. Lopez?” as he lay on the grass placing his head on my lap, playfully tossing a few crackers into his mouth and sipped his drink.
“I don’t know how to start...” I paused for a while. And in a serious tone, “Do you still remember that time when you told me you had a feeling for --”
“Yeah...yeah!” He cut. “Before I forget, I have a good news first: Ma’am Cathy and I are already in a relationship! Yessssss!”
“What?!!! How did it happen?” I yelled removing his head from my lap in a veiled gesture of protest. My mood suddenly changed like I was hit by a thunderbolt. There was a sudden surge of grief, pain, jealousy, and helplessness. I could feel tears looming in my eyes.
“I risked sending her letters since a month ago, she replied to all my letters! And last week, we talked over it and that’s it!”
“As simple as that? Damn! She is so easy! Don’t you think Miss Cathy could be culpable of unprofessional, unethical, or immoral conduct in having a romantic relation with her student? She could be fired by the school, or... she could even be charged with corruption of minor!” I reasoned.
“Hahahahaha! Corruption of minor, very funny...” He laughed emphasizing the words ‘corruption of minor’. “You’re kidding, right?”
“No!”
“Oh Geoff, you are overreacting again...” He scratched his head, knowing my non-concurrence to his news. “First, I am nineteen and Cathy is only 22; second, she is single and so am I; and third, what’s the use of the word ‘secret’ Geoff? We agreed to keep it, and it’s only you whom I have told this. Aren’t you happy for me?”
“Yeah, I am... and shit! Congratulations!” clasping his hand with some hesitation. “How about that... something you told me, your feelings... for me.” I asked, controlling the looming tears in my eyes.
Sam paused for a moment, looked down and as if he did not hear me, asked, “What is it again that you want to tell me?”
“Oh, forget that stupid thing!” I just wanted to know what happened to you and your Cathy. That’s all!” I answered, with deep anguish inside me.
But Sam was insensitive or he just played innocent. “So, well... this calls for a celebration, right? - That I’m back; that you’re in the honor’s list; and that Cathy and I are in a relation. And since there is no class tomorrow, we will do it in your place tonight! What do you say, Geoff?”
I felt a mix of emotions to his proposal – anger, and happiness of having him back. I thought I would pass yelling, “Celebration... your face!” But the excitement of having him back prevailed.
“...With the two of us only?”
“Why not? All the other jerks have gone to their places already coz tomorrow starts the semestral break! Yesssss!” He was damn happy.
***
Part 4
In my place that night, Sam did all the dinner preparations. “This is my treat Geoff, my way of compensating for what you missed in two months. So let me do everything.”
“OK, you’re the boss!” I said.
Sam was always like that. Even with the group during our bonding, outing, or picnicking, he would take the initiative to do whatever he thought needed to be done. He would cook, grill, fry, wash dishes, carry something, gather firewood, or buy anything... He was full of energy, teamwork, and diligence.
When everything was done, he called me, “Jan-jarannnnn! There you go! The word for tonight is ‘grilled’: grilled chicken, grilled fish and grilled squid complete with sauce, tomatoes, onions and hot pepper, your all-time favorite!”
He reached for his knapsack and took one huge candle, lit it and placed it at the middle of the table. He took another item – a streamer with the words, “To the Best Friendship of Sam and Geoff!” He posted it on the wall.
“Wowwwww! How romantic – GRRRRRRRR!” I sarcastically remarked. “Don’t tell me you have roses for me too!”
“Hahahahahaha!” We both laughed, as he pulled out one chair and guided for me to sit on.
After our dinner, we drank at the terrace. As usual we talked about those normal things in school, what the group did when he was not with us, our plans for the next semester and for the future.
It was past 10 when we already felt the intoxication in our blood. The topic moved to some controversial ones.
“Sam, do you really love Miss Cathy?” I asked in a serious tone.
“Of course I do...” as he gulped the whole content of alcohol in his glass, and then another one.
“What happened to... your feelings for me? I’m sorry I brought this out again. I know you ignored this question in the garden.”
“Yeah, I intentionally ignored it. But you know, Geoff, I’ve promised myself not to talk about it anymore... what for? It’s not helping nor leading to anything. And even if it would lead to something, I wouldn’t want it. I just can’t... and I hope you would respect that.”
“What for...? You mean you lied to me when you said that?”
“I did not lie, Geoff and I’m not a liar! Just remember, I have never told you any lies!” he said raising his voice.
“Then why can’t you tell me straight if you still have that damn feeling?” I asked him in an equally raised voice.
“I can’t say anything and there is nothing to say! Look Geoff, I have swallowed my pride in saying that to you. Wasn’t that enough already? What more do you want? If you want to know, why can’t you just feel it, ok? How about this: do you understand why I still come here? Did you not notice I sent you a note just today and chose this timing, our last day of school and without the intrusion of our other friends? Did you not see that damn candle and streamer I was bringing with me in my bag for that stupid dinner? If you still don’t feel it, then you don’t deserve to be in that stupid honor’s list, Mr. Lopez, coz you’re an idiot! God…! If you only knew how my heart broke when I was away from you!” Sam shouted, laid his head on the table and sobbed.
I was glued there for a moment. I could not say anything, realizing how selfish, insensitive, and judgmental I was. I thought I knew Sam that much already.
“Yeah, you’re right Sam I just have to feel it, and understand...” I said to myself.
Then he went to the toilet and threw out. He was so intoxicated he could not walk straight back. So we stopped drinking and I helped him to bed... I wiped and cleaned his face, removed his shoes, socks, shirt, and changed his pants with my spare shorts.
As I watched him lay there, I couldn’t help admiring his sculpted abs with his fine black hairs lining down from his navel towards underneath his brief, his fair smooth skin, his robust chest and well-formed biceps, his lips, thick long hair, pointed nose, immaculate face. He looked so naive and perfect. The sight of him just took my breath away. “Here is this guy – so lively, full of vigor and whom many people so love and idolize but now lying vulnerably and seemingly lifeless in front of me,” I murmured and released a deep sigh.
I turned off the lights, lay on the bed beside him.
A few minutes later, he woke up, turned to me, hugged me and arched his legs over my midsection. He did not say anything. He just moved his head towards me; his lips searched mine. I kissed him back. It was long and passionate. We relished every moment of it, playing our tongues in our mouths together.
We ran our hands and lips to every part of our body – the face, the neck, the chest, the stomach... everywhere. We savored every contact of our flesh, every touch of our skin, every breath we took together, filling the room with our moans as the cries of the cicadas and other nocturnal creatures filled the silence outside. And, when we both reached the summit, our moans got stronger, and stronger, and stronger. “Ahhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhh!”
When we were done, we took some rest and, did it again – a few times over until we lay flat on the bed in complete exhaustion.
Then he faced me, twiddled his hands on my cheek, his eyes overflowed with passion. “Geoff, I’m sorry I was angry. But I got to tell you this: I love you. I really do!”
My fingers reached for his mouth and covered it, “Shhhhhh, you don’t have to say it, Sam; I felt it already“
He pressed his lips against mine and the room was filled with our moans again...
***
Part 5
Semestral break came. Three times in a week, Sam would visit me and sleep in my place. As his place was 25 kilometers away, he would come by his motorbike. Sometimes we would go places: to the park, beach, visit friends or his place, or just stay in my place swimming in the creek, fishing or picnicking together with my cousins. It was one of my happiest school breaks.
One day during the last week of the break, Sam’s parents invited me to a dinner. His parents knew I was their son’s best friend and they treated me like a family member.
At the dinner table, Sam’s father asked me, “I heard you are in the top three honor’s list, Geoff, congratulations! Keep it up!” then turning to Sam, “But how about Sam in school? I observed he was not doing as much as I expected. And I heard there’s one teacher there whom he has a crush with? I hope she’s not the reason for his dull performance. Is he courting her?”
“A, er...” I was gasping for words to say.
“Dad, don’t bring this topic here please?” Sam intervened in a pleading tone.
“Sam, I am asking Geoff. I just want to be sure that you are doing your best to study” his Dad answered, then turned to me. “So, Geoff is this true?”
Sam seated opposite me winked his eyes and gestured like he wanted me to say “no” and to cut the conversation. But I proceeded to answer his Dad’s question. “A... for the crush, yes Sir. It’s Miss Cathy, our psychology professor. But everyone has a crush on her too including all our friends...”
“How old is she?”
“Dad, please...” Sam pleaded for his father to stop the conversation about Cathy.
I looked at Sam. He stooped in disappointment sensing I would answer the question anyway. “Miss Cathy is nearly 23 but she looks younger.”
Then in an air of suspicion, his Dad asked again, “Geoff, does Sam visit you almost everyday? Coz there are times Sam doesn’t sleep here all night and there are times too that he comes at already dawn... and when I would ask him, it’s always your name he mentions”
I was stunned by the question coz Sam hadn’t visited me everyday and if ever he sleeps in my place, he would not leave at dawn. I looked at Sam. He was equally stunned and could not look at me. Then he suddenly stood up and walked out in protest.
“Sam! Where are you going?” His mom and dad inquired.
Sam didn’t answer and proceeded to walk. After a few minutes, we heard his motorcycle run.
“See that? He is a different person now! I don’t even know if he’s my son! I have been observing him acting strange these past few months. He has changed in everything! He is absent-minded, his grades are low, and he is always out. I don’t know what’s going on with him!”
“We should understand Sam, Bert. He is in that age. It should be tough on him...” Sam’s mom pacified.
But I reasoned to cover Sam even if there was anguish in me and a feeling of betrayal. “A.. er, Sir, Sam comes to my place normally on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays... but maybe he visits our other friends too!”
“I hope that what you said is true, Geoff coz there was a time I heard him talking with someone over the phone and it was this ‘Cathy’”
I felt like an insult was added into my injury. My anguish amplified, and I wanted to smack Sam so hard in the face to at least let him feel my pain. I felt like my world turned upside down. I thought I would leave right there and then. But civility prevailed over me.
After an hour, Sam came back. Sam’s parents wanted me to stay overnight but my feeling of disgust so overwhelmed me that I thought it was not a good thing to do. So I asked to be excused and they asked Sam to send me home on his motorbike.
The more my anger grew. But I had no choice, lest Sam’s parents might suspect. And as Sam started his motorbike he shouted, “Mom, I’ll stay overnight at Geoff’s place!”
On the way, I couldn’t control myself yelling, “Why did you use me, Sam?!!! Why did you not tell me everything?!!! What have I done wrong to deserve this?!!!...”
Sam yelled back, “We will talk this over in your house, ok?!”
But I did not stop, “I want it now, Sam, tell me why? I want an explanation now! Why? Why?!!!” hitting his back with my fist.
Sam absorbed my punch but did not move nor give an answer. Instead, he drove the motorcycle at full speed that even in curves he wouldn’t slow down. I held myself tightly to his body in total panic. “What are you doing?!!!”
“It is better if we die together now!” Sam shouted at the peak of his voice.
So I shut up and kept my silence until we arrived. I did not talk to him. I went directly to my room and dropped myself flat on the bed as Sam followed me without saying a word.
He sat on the edge of the bed. Then stooping and in a poignant and hesitant tone said, “Geoff... I am so sorry for what I did. I did not tell you I was with Cathy too because I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t know what to do... I’m so confused. Everyday, I think of you, and then I think of Cathy. The truth is I try to force myself to forget you, and have happy relations with Cathy. But you are always there and I don’t understand... I can’t think straight, I don’t even know how to get you out of my mind....” he narrated as tears rolled down his cheeks.
And I cried there listening to him, but I just let him talk.
“Dad was right. I have changed, and he doesn’t understand me. But only if I understand what’s happening to me too... It’s like everyone is against me now, even my family. And I am even afraid to face the future!” He finally broke down sobbing.
My anger gradually melted and replaced by compassion. I held his hand. He hugged me tight. He was still sobbing.
“You are the only person left who understands me, Geoff. I don’t want to lose you, so please I’m sorry. Don’t be mad at me!” Sam pleaded.
I stroked his hair and kissed his cheek. “I understand now Sam, don’t worry.” I returned his hug.
We stayed in that position for a couple of minutes, just hugging, caressing, feeling each other’s presence, and assuring ourselves that we will not let each other down.
I stood up and took two bottles of beer and we drank. As our emotions subsided, Sam initiated a conversation, “There is something I would like to tell you, Geoff...”
“Go ahead.”
“Do you still remember that time when you asked about my feelings for you and I ignored it?”
“Yeah?”
“It’s about us, our status; that... even if we do sex together, all I want is the friendship, no matter how emotionally involved we are to each other. Friendship lasts, Geoff... and it’s all I want.
“What do you mean?”
“Remember I told you we just need to feel and to trust each other without necessarily saying ‘I love you’? Coz it’s the best thing to do. I don’t want you to commit yourself with me... not because I don’t want it. God! If you only knew how I wished I could shout to the whole world I love you and you are my... boyfriend. But, I can’t coz if I do, I will be ruining our lives and our future. Geoff, you are intelligent, a student council member, and even have the potential to be council president. Many people admire you, look up to you, trust you. You have a clean image in the campus, a model student. Can you imagine yourself if one day someone asks straight to your face, ‘Geoff, is it true that Sam is your boyfriend?’ Can you stand that? And this, don’t you dream of having a family of your own one day, and have kids...? Everyone wants it Geoff, and you are stupid if you don’t. And all I want is when we reach that point in our lives, we are still there for each other, care for each other, support each other, feel the love, the trust and the friendship... don’t you want that?”
I couldn’t say a word for what Sam had said. His words hit me hard and pierced deep into my heart. There was shock, an unexplained feeling of guilt and self-pity. Then tears filled my eyes and sobbed there as Sam gave me a hug and a pat in my back.
“But how about us, Sam... how about me?” I asked in a deep sense of insecurity.
“Nothing changes, Geoff, with you and me. Everything we did, we still do. I won’t stop coming here, and if there is still a part of me in your heart, I am just here. Nothing changes... I promise. As I said, we just don’t have to say ‘I love you’; we just have to feel it”, as he took my hand and guided it into his chest, “You have a part here in my heart, Geoff, do you feel it?”
I held my hand on his chest for a long time and felt its beat..., “Yeah, I can feel it Sam, I can feel it”
Sam never said anymore words. He hugged me tight and pressed his lips against mine. Then we both lay on the bed, full of energy and desire. We removed our clothes, savor the electrifying touch of our flesh, and fathom the depths and the heights of our raging emotions.
And then again, the room was filled with the sounds of our moans...
***
Part 6 (Last Part)
School days came and having Sam back with the group, everything was normal; of course, except for the secret relations of Sam and me, and Sam and Cathy. No one knew that secret. As usual, the group would go to my place on some weekend get-together; swimming at the creek, catching fish, going on a picnic, do our assignments together, or drink our favorite “tuba”, a native coconut wine. And if the group would not come to my place, Sam will come alone and stay with me. Everything was just perfect.
But few days into the next semestral break Sam & Miss Cathy’s relationship was exposed. It spread like a wildfire in the campus. And the worst thing was that Miss Cathy was pregnant!
I was stunned. So I thought of confronting Sam about it. In the evening, Sam came and just as he stepped into the living room he said, “Geoff, I think you heard the rumor already...”
“What rumor?” I asked playing innocent.
“...About Cathy and me. And she’s pregnant. This morning the School Director terminated her employment.” Sam said anxiously.
I didn’t know if I would be angry or would pity him. But the thought of losing him stuck to my mind. “So what is your plan now?”
“I don’t know? If this reaches my Dad and Mom, surely they will be furious. Secondly, I don’t know how Cathy will handle all these; her life is in a mess, she has no more job... and it’s all because of me!”
“Yeah, there’s no one to blame, Sam but you. Coz you are stupid and self-centered. And all you want is for people to understand you. You don’t care about me, and you don’t care about my feelings!” I yelled at him.
“God! Do I have to tell you, everything Geoff? We talked about this already. I told you all about this... do you need to know when, where and how Cathy and I had sex together? When you learned that Cathy and I had a relationship, what did you expect us to do – say the rosary or the novena in her room, ha?!” Sam raised his voice.
“Yeah, but I told you to be careful and responsible, Sam! And you can have a relationship with her without sex! See what happens now – it’s all because of your stupidity!” I blamed him.
“Yeah, I got your point, Geoff and everyone’s stupid points. Now what? You want me to kill myself? I accept responsibility for all of these, it’s my fault. What do I need to do in order to get my life back, our lives back, Geoff; it’s what I want to know! Shit!!” Sam yelled.
I paused for sometime. “I don’t know Sam... It’s not easy...”
“Geoff, everyone is pointing fingers on me and Cathy, even my family now... It’s only you who understand me and who could give me guidance. Please be there for me.”
“Yeah, Sam, I know. It’s what you have always told me, just to feel you, and to understand you...” I said in an air of self-pity and sarcasm. Then I paused in deep thought, flashed my mind back to where Sam and I had started and discerned. And with a sense of deep sadness and self-denial, I gathered my whole strength to say the harshest and most masochistic advice, “You marry her, Sam, you marry Ma’am Cathy.” Then I went straight to my room to avoid Sam from seeing me cry.
Sam was stunned there to hear such words from me. After a few minutes, he followed to my room, sat on the edge of my bed and caressed my hair. “Geoff, you don’t have to say that. I will try my best to find a way that I can’t marry Cathy...”
“Then you are running away from your responsibility, Sam.”
“No... only to delay it until I am ready for it. I will persuade Cathy and my parents that I got to finish my studies first and let us see what happens then...”
I was temporarily relieved by what Sam said. But my thoughts went for Miss Cathy; will she allow it considering her situation? And knowing that Sam’s parents are deeply religious...? “I don’t know Sam, I don’t know...” I said worrying about such a possibility.
Sam didn’t stay long that night. He was so worried about things and what could be the reaction of his parents upon knowing the situation.
The following day, Sam never went to school. I just learned that he was suspended until the end of the semester and will just be given special arrangements to comply with the requirements for the finals. Like Miss Cathy, he was nowhere to be seen in the Campus. It was an incomplete student life without Sam. And not knowing what happened to him added to my anxiety.
On the night of the last day of school, Sam came to my house. He looked very sad, and his eyes as if he had never slept for nights. His vigor, happy disposition and strong enthusiasm for life had gone. I was worried.
“Geoff, they have already decided everything. Cathy and I will get married on Sunday next week; after the marriage we will go to Cathy’s province so Cathy can find a job there; father will continue to shoulder my education in her province until I finish my course...” Then he added, “I want you to be there on my wedding, Geoff; you will be my best man and all the other friends are my groom’s men.”
It was like my world had collapsed instantly and I stopped breathing; I felt a knife cut my heart into pieces and my dreams and aspirations blew apart. Tears immediately filled my eyes.
“They decided it for you, Sam? What did you say? You told me you will try to convince them not to marry Cathy yet...”
“It was my father’s choice, Geoff... and he was furious, I couldn’t say any word. You know Dad when he is angry...”
Then in all humility and understanding amidst tremendous feeling of loss and devastation, I hugged Sam as he hugged me. We cried together, hang on to each other like two helpless and wounded people, victims of circumstances and events and with whom the world had disdained and judged. We stayed in that position for a long time.
Then we drank, releasing all the bitterness inside. And when we were already intoxicated, we made love like it would be our last time together. We kissed passionately like we had never kissed before; we felt and relish the presence of each other and we hugged like there’s no tomorrow.
It was late in the afternoon when Sam decided to leave. Before he left, “Geoff always remember this: whatever happens, you will always have a part in my heart.” as he removed his white gold left earring, and next his jacket and shirt. Then from his jacket, he took a pocket bible. “Take these items, Geoff and keep these so you will remember me always...” handing them to me.
I took the items. Then I removed my shirt and my silver bracelet, “I want you to take these also, Sam. Please keep them, and take care of them...”
Sam put on the shirt I gave him, slid the bracelet into his pocket and then caressing my cheek, “Geoff, in case a time comes when I am not there and you would want me, just press your hand to your chest and feel your heartbeat, coz when you feel it’s beating, you know that my heart beats with it too.” Then he took my hand and guided it into his chest, assuring me of his undying feeling.
I felt his heartbeat, and I nodded, as tears again flowed into my eyes. Then I kissed him, hugged him and we did our fraternal handshake.
Wedding day came. In spite of my mind screaming for me not to show up, I bravely stood there as Sam’s best man, as I promised. But I did it not just for my promise; I did it also for the thought that being Sam’s best man I should be the first person to be there for Sam, no matter what happens. That was my only consolation. But it was so tough being there, having to pretend I was happy when deep down, my heart bled and grieved. I couldn’t explain my feeling. It was like I died over and over. And every time someone would greet Sam and Cathy, “Congratulations!” I felt my heart was ripped apart.
In the altar, Sam looked so magnificent and so good-looking in his black suit and dark pants as he stood there waiting for Cathy. His hair was clean shaven as a protest, although he still looked equally dazzling as he was with his long hair. When I looked at his wrist, there was my bracelet. I looked at Sam’s eyes; they were tough hiding the strong pent-up feelings that tortured him inside. He was like a person whose body was there, but whose spirit flew away... with mine.
When the priest finally asked him if he would take Cathy as his wife, there was something in me that could explode any moment. Sam looked behind him and searched his eyes. And when our eyes met, I pressed my hand into my chest, feeling my heartbeat, “Sam, I can feel you here...” I murmured. But when Sam finally said, “I do” my tears just flowed down uncontrollably.
After the wedding, I asked to be excused telling everyone that I did not feel well. Sam wanted me to stay, to be with our group, but I told him it would not help me to stay there with a pretense smile.
I locked myself in the room. In the evening, I could not sleep. I imagined that while I stayed there on my bed alone, there was Sam and Cathy together. My mind flashed back those days when I first met Sam, when he told me his feelings under the shade of the acacia and how I laughed at him for that; how I turned to fall in love with him later; when we would be alone together as if the world belonged to us; when he gave me that candlelight dinner with the streamer; when we had our little arguments which would end up in hugging and pacifying each other; when I would ride with him on his motorbike and he would intentionally drive fast so I would lock myself tightly into his body; all the things which made us laugh and cry together. Those were still fresh on my mind. And as the bed I was lying down was a testament to our love, my hands spread to search for his body. But he was not there anymore. My tears just kept flowing...
I went to my locker and took Sam’s shirt and jacket and wore them. I wore his earring too. But still, I was craving for more.
Then my mind was focused on the bible that Sam gave me. I read it... over and over, reflecting the words that might give me the answers as to why I should suffer, or let go of the one I love, and why it should happen to me and Sam. It did not give me the direct answers. But it helped ease my feeling to know that life was full of trials and obstacles, and of pain and sufferings, and that my suffering could probably be little compared with someone’s suffering out there. I did not know how long I had stayed in that position. But I just thanked God that I made it through the next day.
The next semester started without Sam and Miss Cathy. I felt like I was a new-born person studying in an unfamiliar school, except for the acacia tree at the botanical garden which always reminded me of Sam. There was a feeling of nostalgia and kind of disorientation.
But gradually, I managed to fully let go and accept what happened.
As for Sam, he continued to exchange updates and greetings with me and the group. And true to his promise, he would visit me in my place in every opportune time whenever he gets to my province. And when his first baby was baptized, the whole group visited him, and I was one of the godfathers.
Two years later, I was elected student council president as Sam had thought I would one day be. And during my victory party, Sam attended as one of my special guests. But at that time, I already moved on. In fact, I had already a girlfriend with whom I gladly introduced to Sam, who also happily approved her for me.
Now, Sam has four children and I got two. And even if we have already our own separate families, our friendship remained strong. Sam even suggested that we will match his eldest fifteen-year-old son with my ten year-old daughter so that if it succeeds our thwarted story will continue and get fulfilled in them.
Sam is now thirty-five and I’m thirty-two but even when we meet we still do the “chest-pressing” of our hands. Then we would laugh knowing that only the two of us knew what it meant.
I know that for as long as I live, Sam will remain to hold a special place in my heart. And if I have to live my life all over again and choose someone to share it with; I’d still go... for Sam.
(End)
Dennis
Labels:
Short Story
It’s nearly 24 hours since I arrived back from an eight-day business trip in Manila. I feel like in a state of euphoria finding it hard to believe that for such a short period of time and in the midst of my hectic schedule, I saw my kids, I met up some relatives, had a good night out with friends, and most of all, accomplished the little promise made to a special friend. This friend is Dennis.
It was six months ago, on my annual vacation when I met him outside a dimly-lit bar somewhere in Manila. While anxiously waiting for the bar to open for his job interview, he sat idly on the cemented step just in front of it. It was where our paths crossed. I invited him to the adjacent bar and over a few bottles of beer, we unraveled a little of ourselves. There was an instant mutual feeling of being “connected”. That night, something intimate happened.
Dennis was the youngest of twelve siblings. Being such, it was no surprise that he was overly dependent and overprotected. He admitted that his older sister knew all his affairs, would read his personal text messages, scolds foolhardy text mates and friends, and decides if he should go out with a friend or not. Any person who doesn’t know him would probably laugh at the thought of a big, well-built, basketball hunk in total subservience to the decree of his sister. And since we became friends, I earned his sister’s trust. I considered it a special privilege. Unlike his other friends or girlfriends, she would allow Dennis to come with me, even if it means staying overnight anywhere I go.
The very reason why Dennis came to Manila was because he needed a job – desperately. Thinking that nothing better could befall him in his province, he decided to finally embark to the big city, in his words, “to change his life”. When he learned that I work abroad, there was a spark in his eyes.
“You know Mike, I really want to work there. I am fed up of my life being so dependent on my family, especially my sister. I am already ashamed. At 23, I want to stand on my own feet, prove to my brothers, sisters and everyone else that I can be my own person; that I can be independent. I hope you can help me” he said his eyes pleading.
Those words I didn’t really take seriously. I have a notorious “Good Samaritan” record among friends for pirating them into my company but those were made easy because they were all qualified and they held licenses in their respective fields. But in Dennis’ case, I was a bit skeptical. He only finished two years of college, and from a course not directly related to the usual job openings in my company. But since my company is maintaining a basketball team, one of the best in the Middle East, I thought that his chances could fall in that category. “OK, I’ll try my best, but no promises. First, we have to wait for the next schedule of hiring, and second, you need to have all your documents ready. Then I’ll keep you posted of the next step.”
“Really? You will help me?”
“Yeah, but I tell you, just give it your best shot and don’t expect anything. Landing on a foreign job is also a matter of luck. Some people spend a lot of money, time, and energy only to end up becoming prey to recruitment vultures. But you can always try. With my company, you won’t fear anything because I am here, and everything in our recruitment is free. With that, you already have the edge. But then again, this is not a guarantee that things will be easy. If you are meant to work there, you’ll get there come what may.”
“I am willing to try and take chances, Mike, and to undergo all the sacrifices. But please, I need you to be there for me.”
“I’ll do my best!”
Since then, Dennis and I became close, in fact, so close that we decided to move our relationship on to the next level, fondly calling each other “Babes”. And our relations were never a secret to my son Josh and Dennis’ sister who would sometimes send me text messages to check on him. When I finally came back abroad, the bond seemed to keep stronger. There was never a day without Dennis sending me sweet nothings on texts. At certain times I would call him up, just so we could hear each other’s voices.
A few months later, my company decided to recruit 30 new employees to fill up different positions. My boss told me that I had to go as part of the recruitment team to conduct the interview. Immediately, I called up Dennis. “Babes, we have an upcoming opening and the interview starts on the 15th.”
“Really Babes?”
“Yeah, and if you have all your documents ready, proceed to the agency. I already told my contact to let you take the exams and include your name in the lineup.”
“Ok babes, I will be there. Thank you!” he replied showing off his excitement.
“Don’t thank-you me yet. There are still a lot of things to do.” I cut. “And to give you moral support, I will be home prior to the interview to accompany you to the agency.” I said kind of teasing, not wanting him to directly know I was one of the interviewers.
“Really? You will do that for me?”
“Yeah, I’ll do it for you”
“But you just came from a vacation...?”
“Don’t worry, I’m allowed.”
“Ah, gosh! I’m sooooo happy babes. So I will wait for you here? I am really so excited to see you back! By the way, for how long you will be staying here babes?”
“Just 8 days...”
“Wahhhh... 8 days only? Why is that?”
“That’s what my boss allows. So, it’s better than nothing, don’t you think so?”
“Ah... ok. To think that it coincides with my application, I have no complaints babes. Yessss!” He cheered in total excitement.
“Ok, and just as I said, give your best shot during the tests and the interview. I will be there to help you out.”
“Whatever you say, babes, you’re the boss!”
The day came and I could not contain my excitement when the plane touched down at the NAIA. After I and my co-interviewers had checked-in at a Makati Hotel, I hurried to ask a nephew to pick up my son, Josh and his little sister to come to the hotel. Upon entering the room, I could see Josh’s eyes widened. Seeing me in the flesh lying on the bed was probably the last thing in his mind. He seemed lost for words and was a little confused.
“Eyyy! Will you just be staring at me?” I kidded.
Josh and her little sister rushed up and gave me a hug. “You didn’t tell us dad!”
“Of course... it’s meant to be a surprise!” We all laughed.
After that exciting reunion, I and the kids went shopping. It was about 7 pm when my kids went back home and I texted Dennis saying I was waiting for him at the bar where we first met. He arrived an hour later. When he approached me, there was a huge grin on his face. It’s like there was something he had been missing for ages and just found it at that moment.
I extended my hand for a grip. But he gave me a big hug. “Ah... this bar” he smiled. “How can I forget this place?”
I just stared at him. He still looked the same, those tantalizing eyes, the inviting lips, and the infectious smile...
“What?” He asked; his eyes in total amazement at my inquiring stare and seemingly peculiar silence.
“Nothing. I just can’t believe you are here with me tonight, and in this place where I first saw you. It’s so...”
“Sentimental?” He cut. He stood up, sat beside me, and laid his arm over my shoulder. “I miss you very much babes... I am so happy to see you back” he said his lips so close as if about to kiss my cheek.
I turned my face, fearing other people would notice what he was doing. “So, let’s drink to it!” I said as I raised a bottle of beer.
That night, as my two kids and a nephew were with me, Dennis just dropped me off to my suite. But we had a good night out and a nice dinner-bonding with the five of us. He left the hotel at around 2 am.
The following day was my first stretch of hectic work-day. As Josh’s mom informed me that the kids won’t be coming that night, I messaged Dennis to come and stay overnight. It was a perfect timing; his preliminary interview would be the next day, and the hotel was just a stone throw away from the interview venue.
Ten pm and Dennis arrived. “Hi!” I greeted as I opened the door hastily and then headed back towards the edge of the bed. I sat there excitedly facing him.
He did not say anything. He just closed the door and trailed me. In front of me, he dropped haphazardly his black shoulder bag, knelt down and gripped me in his arms. “Babes, I miss you so much...!”
I looked him in the eyes. It was like I floated on the seventh heaven and things happened so quickly. We kissed wildly, grabbed each other’s body like we’ve yearned each other for ages, and rolled together chaotically on the bed. Finally, there was nothing in between us and we filled the room with our moans and our raging emotions... until our cravings consumed us completely.
When we were done, I offered him some bottles of beer. “Ah, this is one of the best things I missed.” I said my eyes transfixed on him. “There’s nothing like this abroad. Can you stand for one solid year without this?” I insinuated to make him think twice of his application.
“I can stand everything babes, just to prove that I deserve this job and I am strong enough to stand on my own two feet. Besides, if others made it, then why can’t I?”
“You’re right.” I encouraged. “But are you ready for what will happen to you with your interview tomorrow?”
“I am a little nervous... but there’s no turning back. I know that getting into this interview is already a big break for me. Imagine, I am short of the required qualifications and yet I would go there with the other qualified and licensed applicants to face the interviewers? What are my chances?
I pretended not to hear anything. I took my bottle and gulped.
He continued. “I know that without your help, I wouldn’t be able to come this far, babes. I can’t afford to take your effort for granted.” He released a deep sigh. “Do you think I will get to the magic 10, babes?” alluding to the number which we were going to hire for the category he was applying.
“Trust me...”
“Trust? You mean there is still something you can do for me after you’ve asked your contact to include me in this pre-qualification interview?”
“Yeah.” I said casually.
“Hahahaha! This is just plain encouragement, right babes?” He asked; kind of confused hearing what I just said. “I will be out there by myself, and the interviewers will toss all kinds of stupid questions which I may not have any idea how the hell to answer, and here you are telling me there is still something you can do?”
I took another gulp and paused. “Babes, I can understand your fear. But I will ask you: Are you 100% decided to work abroad despite the perceived hardships there?”
“Of course...”
“And why?”
“This is for my future babes. I’m 23 now and I want to see myself independent and able to look to the future with security... I can’t be depending on my sister for the rest of my life.”
“Even if it means you have to work really hard, face homesickness, change your lifestyle, and live in one of the most hostile environment on the planet?”
“Yeah, I am willing to face all those challenges, babes. I think that physically and emotionally, I am ready for that.”
“Then, consider yourself hired.” I said nonchalantly.
Dennis gave me a puzzled look, his browses met in disbelief, and his mouth on the verge of bursting into laughter.
“What?!” I snapped noticing his sharp and seemingly intimidating look.
“You are kidding me, right?”
“No.”
“Then what purpose does the interview serve if I’m already hired?”
“Why? Are you afraid of the interview?”
“To the max!”
“Then fear no more.”
“Why is that?”
“You have just been interviewed!”
“Hahahaha!” He burst into a huge laughter. “Don’t kid me babes, I’m gonna believe you, promise!”
“So believe me then. I’m not kidding”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m one of the interviewers!”
“Shittt! You really want to get me for a ride, huh!”
“You don’t really believe me, do you?”
“No...”
“Ok, why do you think I’m here?”
“Coz you want to support me and accompany me to the interview? That’s what you told me, right?”
“Why in this expensive, 200-dollar a day suite, and not just in any ordinary hotel?”
“Coz you want to impress me?”
“Hahahaha!” I blurted. “Nice answer, but, I’m not impressed... huh! And remember, never – and I mean NEVER – will I impress anyone with something superficial. I am not that rich and stupid, babes to waste my hard-earned money to simply profligate and impress. Read my lips – this is not my money. It’s not my type to lure people to stick to me by making them believe I have something lavish to offer… I prefer the friends who stick around in my times of adversity, coz I would do the same to them.”
“That is why I love you babes, because you are humble, generous, and sincere…”
“So, does that mean you believe me now?”
“Nope.”
“Ok!” I stood up, kind of annoyed and took my files. “How about this – list of applicants scheduled for interview tomorrow. Look! Your name is here, and you are in number 13! And here… a memorandum from my boss regarding the guidelines and procedures of hiring applicants plus the names of the interviewers, and my name is there. Don’t these convince you yet?”
I could see Dennis’ face reddened, his eyes widened. “Wahhh! You are an interviewer!”
“I told you, idiot!” I blurted.
“Ahhhh, so stupid of me.” He exclaimed scratching his head. “Why didn’t I think about that? You’re really full of surprises babes! Yesterday, you surprised your kids when you showed up to them and now, you got me too!”
“I love surprises”
“I hate it – arrrrgggh!” as he stood playfully running and jumping around for a minute. He sat back beside me, drew his face towards mine. “So, did you just say I’m hired?”
“I changed my mind...”
“Arrggggggghhhhhhh!” He covered his face with his hand, dropped himself onto the bed and curled up.
“That’s the price for not trusting enough.”
Silence.
“Hey, I’m kidding, ok?” I retracted.
He reached out for my hand, pulled me into the bed beside him. “I love you babes... and with what you just said, do you know you are my idol?”
“Because I am your interviewer, and am ready to hire you?”
“No… not that!” He was kind of piqued. “It’s because, you are a down-to-earth person. If it could be other people, they would have bragged about it, announced it to everyone, and surely would give me a 100% assurance already. But you kept it from me, telling me instead to do my best, making me really work hard. And I did – in my tests and this interview. I did what you told me, not knowing I could have ignored everything.” He said as he caressed my cheek.
I just looked at him. My mind was pondering at the thought of him beside me on the bed: a huge, good-looking hunk, so powerful if not invincible and proud, lying there in total subservience to everything I say and in the process, allowing me to unmask his vulnerable side. I returned his caresses.
“Babes…” He whispered, his eyes staring at me. “Please don’t be angry about this question.”
“Go ahead” I whispered back.
“Why are you doing this to me?”
“What?”
“Your helping me. Why are you so good to me?”
“Remember when I met you at that bar and we became friends after something happened? I promised to help you, right?”
“Is that it; only because you made a promise?”
“Yeah, and because I feel that you deserve my help.”
“And...?”
“And you are a good friend.”
“And...?”
“And my... boyfriend?” I said a bit awkwardly.
He released a timid, oblivious smile showing off his satisfaction with my answer. His eyes searched every minute detail in my face; his fingers twiddled on my cheek. “But sometimes, I don’t understand.”
“What?”
“When I say ‘I love you’ in my text messages, you just ignore it... Don’t you love me?”
“Ah… ” I felt like I was doused with cold water and my mood suddenly turned serious. I tried to gather my thoughts, released a faint smile and said, “I want to keep a distance, babes. I don’t want to live in a world of fantasy and make-believe. I know that a relationship like this won’t last forever. You are young, you have your dreams. And whether I like it or not, I don’t belong in that dream. Sooner or later, you will find the person whom you deserve; someone better; someone who can make your life complete, give you a family, kids to take care. I admit that I like it when you tell me you love me. How I wished you could continue saying that to me for the rest of your life. But I know that it is impossible. A time will always come when you start to ask serious questions, embark to find your dreams, and leave me behind. When that happens, there is nothing to do but thank that at one point in my life, I had you and you made me happy. Better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all... they say. I think that is true. And I don’t want to be caught off-guarded. I have been into this kind of relationship many times. Every parting is so excruciating it always leaves a mark. I cried buckets of tears – many times over...” I paused. “But, the good thing about it is that it made me become a stronger and a wiser person. And I learned a lesson: friendship. It lasts, babes… and it’s all I want us to be – forever friends. Whatever happens, I am always there for you, to support and guide you, as your friend. And when one day you will have already found your dream, I want to be there too, to celebrate with you, to feel the beauty and the meaning of life…” I gasped for a deep sigh and I felt my tears rolled down. “Now you understand why I sometimes ignore your ‘I Love You’ message. It’s not because I don’t love you, babes. I just don’t want to trust my feelings so much.”
Dennis passionately wiped with his fingers the tears in my cheek. Then he whispered. “I just realized how lucky I am to have you babes; not just because of your help and kind-heartedness, but because of what you have made of yourself. And I love you more for everything that you are; for being a broad-minded person, for being so understanding, for being so kind, for being so nice. I don’t know if I will ever find someone like you.”
I could not describe the feeling hearing those words from him. All I knew was that I had become open to the possibility of us parting and I was willing to let go when one day, he decides to spread his wings and search for his happiness.
I did not move nor answer him anymore. I just allowed him to give me a hug as his lips searched mine. We kissed. We held each other tightly. We made love like we never did before.
The interview day came. Prior to it, I instructed Dennis never to reveal my name in case he was asked if he knew of anyone in my company. It was because it was a company policy to select as much as possible, candidates who were never connected or related in any way with any active employee.
“Ok, no sweat!” was Dennis’ assurance.
It was nearly 1 pm when Dennis’ turn for the panel interview came. As he entered the interview room, I could feel his nervousness. I normally shoot the introductory questions but at that time, I seemed lost for something to ask. I was so nervous for him. I was like being pinned down to my seat and got petrified in total fright.
Sensing probably that I failed to fire my usual introductory salvo and noticing the huge stature standing in front of us, my colleague interceded, “Take your seat please... You play basketball?”
“Yes Sir” Dennis replied in a somewhat nervous tone.
“Good one?”
“Hmm… Yes, Sir”
“What is your position in the team? What is your average score per game? Can you mention of any known personality with whom you have already played with? Do you have any specific technique which you can share in playing basketball...?” The questions just seemed endless.
Despite the torturous barrage, there was some satisfaction on my part realizing that my colleague unwittingly highlighted his basketball skills. Since we needed reinforcements in our company team, “It could be a plus point for him” I cheered deep down.
But my happiness was suddenly interrupted when the other colleague asked, “Do you know of anyone in this company?”
Dennis could not immediately answer. “A, er…” He gagged and I could see his face turning pale.
When Dennis turned his head to my direction and saw his eyes pleading for me to intercede, I felt my heart throbbed faster and my face seemed to turn paper-white too. “Just answer the damn question, Dennis!” my head screamed.
“A, er... Mr. Mike Sir!” pointing at me.
I almost fell from my chair with the unexpected answer. “Arrgggh! Busted! Busted!” my mind protested.
But my two colleagues burst in laughter as I joined them half-heartedly and nervously. “You’ve got a very strong backer here, huh!” One of my colleagues remarked.
“Ok, I have no more questions!” the two interviewers said looking at me and proceeded to jot down their marks.
I felt a sigh of relief. With my eyes threatening, I motioned to Dennis that I have no more questions and that he had to hurriedly disperse or else...
Dennis understood my body language and immediately obliged.
When the interview was over, Dennis messaged me from the holding room. “Babes, I am still nervous, I’m sorry to have mentioned your name. It’s hard for me to tell lies; it makes me all the more nervous...”
“Yeah, I saw your frightened-to-death face, and my hands were trembling to strangle your neck right there in front of my colleagues!”
“Hehehe. Really sorry for that gaffe babes. But did I manage to make it to the final interview?”
“How could you not? You are wearing my pants, I ironed your clothes this morning, you curled up in bed with me last night... You think it’s easy? Where in the whole wide world can you find an applicant doing just what you did?”
“Hehehehe. I’m so ashamed. How did the other interviewers rate me?”
“They rated you at rank 6 and 7 respectively and me, I placed you at rank 8”
“You gave me the lowest?”
“I should – dammit! You screwed up and you got me busted. I should have eliminated you in my list.” I teased. “No, seriously, I don’t want to get very obvious, babes.”
“A owkies. I understand…”
As expected, Dennis passed in the final interview even improving his overall ranking to the top 5 slot. Now that I am back abroad, the last message he sent me was that he was already arranging his passport and then next, the medical. He is so excited.
My son, Josh, has no problem too knowing that Dennis will be coming over. In fact, Just a few minutes ago, he texted me asking, “Dad, when is Kuya Dennis coming?”
“I don’t know, son; maybe in a week or two? Why did you ask? Don’t you want Kuya Dennis to be with me here?”
“It’s ok dad. He seems to be a nice person.”
Any time soon, God willing, Dennis’ desire to land himself a job abroad will be realized. And I am glad that he made it during my eight short days of stay in Manila. It was like a dream; I closed my eyes and there I was in my home country – and with him; when I woke up, I was suddenly alone, back to reality.
But that dream was something I could never forget; for in it was a story about a love, about a friendship, and about a fulfilled promise. And that fulfilled promise changed forever the life of one special friend. Dennis...
It was six months ago, on my annual vacation when I met him outside a dimly-lit bar somewhere in Manila. While anxiously waiting for the bar to open for his job interview, he sat idly on the cemented step just in front of it. It was where our paths crossed. I invited him to the adjacent bar and over a few bottles of beer, we unraveled a little of ourselves. There was an instant mutual feeling of being “connected”. That night, something intimate happened.
Dennis was the youngest of twelve siblings. Being such, it was no surprise that he was overly dependent and overprotected. He admitted that his older sister knew all his affairs, would read his personal text messages, scolds foolhardy text mates and friends, and decides if he should go out with a friend or not. Any person who doesn’t know him would probably laugh at the thought of a big, well-built, basketball hunk in total subservience to the decree of his sister. And since we became friends, I earned his sister’s trust. I considered it a special privilege. Unlike his other friends or girlfriends, she would allow Dennis to come with me, even if it means staying overnight anywhere I go.
The very reason why Dennis came to Manila was because he needed a job – desperately. Thinking that nothing better could befall him in his province, he decided to finally embark to the big city, in his words, “to change his life”. When he learned that I work abroad, there was a spark in his eyes.
“You know Mike, I really want to work there. I am fed up of my life being so dependent on my family, especially my sister. I am already ashamed. At 23, I want to stand on my own feet, prove to my brothers, sisters and everyone else that I can be my own person; that I can be independent. I hope you can help me” he said his eyes pleading.
Those words I didn’t really take seriously. I have a notorious “Good Samaritan” record among friends for pirating them into my company but those were made easy because they were all qualified and they held licenses in their respective fields. But in Dennis’ case, I was a bit skeptical. He only finished two years of college, and from a course not directly related to the usual job openings in my company. But since my company is maintaining a basketball team, one of the best in the Middle East, I thought that his chances could fall in that category. “OK, I’ll try my best, but no promises. First, we have to wait for the next schedule of hiring, and second, you need to have all your documents ready. Then I’ll keep you posted of the next step.”
“Really? You will help me?”
“Yeah, but I tell you, just give it your best shot and don’t expect anything. Landing on a foreign job is also a matter of luck. Some people spend a lot of money, time, and energy only to end up becoming prey to recruitment vultures. But you can always try. With my company, you won’t fear anything because I am here, and everything in our recruitment is free. With that, you already have the edge. But then again, this is not a guarantee that things will be easy. If you are meant to work there, you’ll get there come what may.”
“I am willing to try and take chances, Mike, and to undergo all the sacrifices. But please, I need you to be there for me.”
“I’ll do my best!”
Since then, Dennis and I became close, in fact, so close that we decided to move our relationship on to the next level, fondly calling each other “Babes”. And our relations were never a secret to my son Josh and Dennis’ sister who would sometimes send me text messages to check on him. When I finally came back abroad, the bond seemed to keep stronger. There was never a day without Dennis sending me sweet nothings on texts. At certain times I would call him up, just so we could hear each other’s voices.
A few months later, my company decided to recruit 30 new employees to fill up different positions. My boss told me that I had to go as part of the recruitment team to conduct the interview. Immediately, I called up Dennis. “Babes, we have an upcoming opening and the interview starts on the 15th.”
“Really Babes?”
“Yeah, and if you have all your documents ready, proceed to the agency. I already told my contact to let you take the exams and include your name in the lineup.”
“Ok babes, I will be there. Thank you!” he replied showing off his excitement.
“Don’t thank-you me yet. There are still a lot of things to do.” I cut. “And to give you moral support, I will be home prior to the interview to accompany you to the agency.” I said kind of teasing, not wanting him to directly know I was one of the interviewers.
“Really? You will do that for me?”
“Yeah, I’ll do it for you”
“But you just came from a vacation...?”
“Don’t worry, I’m allowed.”
“Ah, gosh! I’m sooooo happy babes. So I will wait for you here? I am really so excited to see you back! By the way, for how long you will be staying here babes?”
“Just 8 days...”
“Wahhhh... 8 days only? Why is that?”
“That’s what my boss allows. So, it’s better than nothing, don’t you think so?”
“Ah... ok. To think that it coincides with my application, I have no complaints babes. Yessss!” He cheered in total excitement.
“Ok, and just as I said, give your best shot during the tests and the interview. I will be there to help you out.”
“Whatever you say, babes, you’re the boss!”
The day came and I could not contain my excitement when the plane touched down at the NAIA. After I and my co-interviewers had checked-in at a Makati Hotel, I hurried to ask a nephew to pick up my son, Josh and his little sister to come to the hotel. Upon entering the room, I could see Josh’s eyes widened. Seeing me in the flesh lying on the bed was probably the last thing in his mind. He seemed lost for words and was a little confused.
“Eyyy! Will you just be staring at me?” I kidded.
Josh and her little sister rushed up and gave me a hug. “You didn’t tell us dad!”
“Of course... it’s meant to be a surprise!” We all laughed.
After that exciting reunion, I and the kids went shopping. It was about 7 pm when my kids went back home and I texted Dennis saying I was waiting for him at the bar where we first met. He arrived an hour later. When he approached me, there was a huge grin on his face. It’s like there was something he had been missing for ages and just found it at that moment.
I extended my hand for a grip. But he gave me a big hug. “Ah... this bar” he smiled. “How can I forget this place?”
I just stared at him. He still looked the same, those tantalizing eyes, the inviting lips, and the infectious smile...
“What?” He asked; his eyes in total amazement at my inquiring stare and seemingly peculiar silence.
“Nothing. I just can’t believe you are here with me tonight, and in this place where I first saw you. It’s so...”
“Sentimental?” He cut. He stood up, sat beside me, and laid his arm over my shoulder. “I miss you very much babes... I am so happy to see you back” he said his lips so close as if about to kiss my cheek.
I turned my face, fearing other people would notice what he was doing. “So, let’s drink to it!” I said as I raised a bottle of beer.
That night, as my two kids and a nephew were with me, Dennis just dropped me off to my suite. But we had a good night out and a nice dinner-bonding with the five of us. He left the hotel at around 2 am.
The following day was my first stretch of hectic work-day. As Josh’s mom informed me that the kids won’t be coming that night, I messaged Dennis to come and stay overnight. It was a perfect timing; his preliminary interview would be the next day, and the hotel was just a stone throw away from the interview venue.
Ten pm and Dennis arrived. “Hi!” I greeted as I opened the door hastily and then headed back towards the edge of the bed. I sat there excitedly facing him.
He did not say anything. He just closed the door and trailed me. In front of me, he dropped haphazardly his black shoulder bag, knelt down and gripped me in his arms. “Babes, I miss you so much...!”
I looked him in the eyes. It was like I floated on the seventh heaven and things happened so quickly. We kissed wildly, grabbed each other’s body like we’ve yearned each other for ages, and rolled together chaotically on the bed. Finally, there was nothing in between us and we filled the room with our moans and our raging emotions... until our cravings consumed us completely.
When we were done, I offered him some bottles of beer. “Ah, this is one of the best things I missed.” I said my eyes transfixed on him. “There’s nothing like this abroad. Can you stand for one solid year without this?” I insinuated to make him think twice of his application.
“I can stand everything babes, just to prove that I deserve this job and I am strong enough to stand on my own two feet. Besides, if others made it, then why can’t I?”
“You’re right.” I encouraged. “But are you ready for what will happen to you with your interview tomorrow?”
“I am a little nervous... but there’s no turning back. I know that getting into this interview is already a big break for me. Imagine, I am short of the required qualifications and yet I would go there with the other qualified and licensed applicants to face the interviewers? What are my chances?
I pretended not to hear anything. I took my bottle and gulped.
He continued. “I know that without your help, I wouldn’t be able to come this far, babes. I can’t afford to take your effort for granted.” He released a deep sigh. “Do you think I will get to the magic 10, babes?” alluding to the number which we were going to hire for the category he was applying.
“Trust me...”
“Trust? You mean there is still something you can do for me after you’ve asked your contact to include me in this pre-qualification interview?”
“Yeah.” I said casually.
“Hahahaha! This is just plain encouragement, right babes?” He asked; kind of confused hearing what I just said. “I will be out there by myself, and the interviewers will toss all kinds of stupid questions which I may not have any idea how the hell to answer, and here you are telling me there is still something you can do?”
I took another gulp and paused. “Babes, I can understand your fear. But I will ask you: Are you 100% decided to work abroad despite the perceived hardships there?”
“Of course...”
“And why?”
“This is for my future babes. I’m 23 now and I want to see myself independent and able to look to the future with security... I can’t be depending on my sister for the rest of my life.”
“Even if it means you have to work really hard, face homesickness, change your lifestyle, and live in one of the most hostile environment on the planet?”
“Yeah, I am willing to face all those challenges, babes. I think that physically and emotionally, I am ready for that.”
“Then, consider yourself hired.” I said nonchalantly.
Dennis gave me a puzzled look, his browses met in disbelief, and his mouth on the verge of bursting into laughter.
“What?!” I snapped noticing his sharp and seemingly intimidating look.
“You are kidding me, right?”
“No.”
“Then what purpose does the interview serve if I’m already hired?”
“Why? Are you afraid of the interview?”
“To the max!”
“Then fear no more.”
“Why is that?”
“You have just been interviewed!”
“Hahahaha!” He burst into a huge laughter. “Don’t kid me babes, I’m gonna believe you, promise!”
“So believe me then. I’m not kidding”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m one of the interviewers!”
“Shittt! You really want to get me for a ride, huh!”
“You don’t really believe me, do you?”
“No...”
“Ok, why do you think I’m here?”
“Coz you want to support me and accompany me to the interview? That’s what you told me, right?”
“Why in this expensive, 200-dollar a day suite, and not just in any ordinary hotel?”
“Coz you want to impress me?”
“Hahahaha!” I blurted. “Nice answer, but, I’m not impressed... huh! And remember, never – and I mean NEVER – will I impress anyone with something superficial. I am not that rich and stupid, babes to waste my hard-earned money to simply profligate and impress. Read my lips – this is not my money. It’s not my type to lure people to stick to me by making them believe I have something lavish to offer… I prefer the friends who stick around in my times of adversity, coz I would do the same to them.”
“That is why I love you babes, because you are humble, generous, and sincere…”
“So, does that mean you believe me now?”
“Nope.”
“Ok!” I stood up, kind of annoyed and took my files. “How about this – list of applicants scheduled for interview tomorrow. Look! Your name is here, and you are in number 13! And here… a memorandum from my boss regarding the guidelines and procedures of hiring applicants plus the names of the interviewers, and my name is there. Don’t these convince you yet?”
I could see Dennis’ face reddened, his eyes widened. “Wahhh! You are an interviewer!”
“I told you, idiot!” I blurted.
“Ahhhh, so stupid of me.” He exclaimed scratching his head. “Why didn’t I think about that? You’re really full of surprises babes! Yesterday, you surprised your kids when you showed up to them and now, you got me too!”
“I love surprises”
“I hate it – arrrrgggh!” as he stood playfully running and jumping around for a minute. He sat back beside me, drew his face towards mine. “So, did you just say I’m hired?”
“I changed my mind...”
“Arrggggggghhhhhhh!” He covered his face with his hand, dropped himself onto the bed and curled up.
“That’s the price for not trusting enough.”
Silence.
“Hey, I’m kidding, ok?” I retracted.
He reached out for my hand, pulled me into the bed beside him. “I love you babes... and with what you just said, do you know you are my idol?”
“Because I am your interviewer, and am ready to hire you?”
“No… not that!” He was kind of piqued. “It’s because, you are a down-to-earth person. If it could be other people, they would have bragged about it, announced it to everyone, and surely would give me a 100% assurance already. But you kept it from me, telling me instead to do my best, making me really work hard. And I did – in my tests and this interview. I did what you told me, not knowing I could have ignored everything.” He said as he caressed my cheek.
I just looked at him. My mind was pondering at the thought of him beside me on the bed: a huge, good-looking hunk, so powerful if not invincible and proud, lying there in total subservience to everything I say and in the process, allowing me to unmask his vulnerable side. I returned his caresses.
“Babes…” He whispered, his eyes staring at me. “Please don’t be angry about this question.”
“Go ahead” I whispered back.
“Why are you doing this to me?”
“What?”
“Your helping me. Why are you so good to me?”
“Remember when I met you at that bar and we became friends after something happened? I promised to help you, right?”
“Is that it; only because you made a promise?”
“Yeah, and because I feel that you deserve my help.”
“And...?”
“And you are a good friend.”
“And...?”
“And my... boyfriend?” I said a bit awkwardly.
He released a timid, oblivious smile showing off his satisfaction with my answer. His eyes searched every minute detail in my face; his fingers twiddled on my cheek. “But sometimes, I don’t understand.”
“What?”
“When I say ‘I love you’ in my text messages, you just ignore it... Don’t you love me?”
“Ah… ” I felt like I was doused with cold water and my mood suddenly turned serious. I tried to gather my thoughts, released a faint smile and said, “I want to keep a distance, babes. I don’t want to live in a world of fantasy and make-believe. I know that a relationship like this won’t last forever. You are young, you have your dreams. And whether I like it or not, I don’t belong in that dream. Sooner or later, you will find the person whom you deserve; someone better; someone who can make your life complete, give you a family, kids to take care. I admit that I like it when you tell me you love me. How I wished you could continue saying that to me for the rest of your life. But I know that it is impossible. A time will always come when you start to ask serious questions, embark to find your dreams, and leave me behind. When that happens, there is nothing to do but thank that at one point in my life, I had you and you made me happy. Better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all... they say. I think that is true. And I don’t want to be caught off-guarded. I have been into this kind of relationship many times. Every parting is so excruciating it always leaves a mark. I cried buckets of tears – many times over...” I paused. “But, the good thing about it is that it made me become a stronger and a wiser person. And I learned a lesson: friendship. It lasts, babes… and it’s all I want us to be – forever friends. Whatever happens, I am always there for you, to support and guide you, as your friend. And when one day you will have already found your dream, I want to be there too, to celebrate with you, to feel the beauty and the meaning of life…” I gasped for a deep sigh and I felt my tears rolled down. “Now you understand why I sometimes ignore your ‘I Love You’ message. It’s not because I don’t love you, babes. I just don’t want to trust my feelings so much.”
Dennis passionately wiped with his fingers the tears in my cheek. Then he whispered. “I just realized how lucky I am to have you babes; not just because of your help and kind-heartedness, but because of what you have made of yourself. And I love you more for everything that you are; for being a broad-minded person, for being so understanding, for being so kind, for being so nice. I don’t know if I will ever find someone like you.”
I could not describe the feeling hearing those words from him. All I knew was that I had become open to the possibility of us parting and I was willing to let go when one day, he decides to spread his wings and search for his happiness.
I did not move nor answer him anymore. I just allowed him to give me a hug as his lips searched mine. We kissed. We held each other tightly. We made love like we never did before.
The interview day came. Prior to it, I instructed Dennis never to reveal my name in case he was asked if he knew of anyone in my company. It was because it was a company policy to select as much as possible, candidates who were never connected or related in any way with any active employee.
“Ok, no sweat!” was Dennis’ assurance.
It was nearly 1 pm when Dennis’ turn for the panel interview came. As he entered the interview room, I could feel his nervousness. I normally shoot the introductory questions but at that time, I seemed lost for something to ask. I was so nervous for him. I was like being pinned down to my seat and got petrified in total fright.
Sensing probably that I failed to fire my usual introductory salvo and noticing the huge stature standing in front of us, my colleague interceded, “Take your seat please... You play basketball?”
“Yes Sir” Dennis replied in a somewhat nervous tone.
“Good one?”
“Hmm… Yes, Sir”
“What is your position in the team? What is your average score per game? Can you mention of any known personality with whom you have already played with? Do you have any specific technique which you can share in playing basketball...?” The questions just seemed endless.
Despite the torturous barrage, there was some satisfaction on my part realizing that my colleague unwittingly highlighted his basketball skills. Since we needed reinforcements in our company team, “It could be a plus point for him” I cheered deep down.
But my happiness was suddenly interrupted when the other colleague asked, “Do you know of anyone in this company?”
Dennis could not immediately answer. “A, er…” He gagged and I could see his face turning pale.
When Dennis turned his head to my direction and saw his eyes pleading for me to intercede, I felt my heart throbbed faster and my face seemed to turn paper-white too. “Just answer the damn question, Dennis!” my head screamed.
“A, er... Mr. Mike Sir!” pointing at me.
I almost fell from my chair with the unexpected answer. “Arrgggh! Busted! Busted!” my mind protested.
But my two colleagues burst in laughter as I joined them half-heartedly and nervously. “You’ve got a very strong backer here, huh!” One of my colleagues remarked.
“Ok, I have no more questions!” the two interviewers said looking at me and proceeded to jot down their marks.
I felt a sigh of relief. With my eyes threatening, I motioned to Dennis that I have no more questions and that he had to hurriedly disperse or else...
Dennis understood my body language and immediately obliged.
When the interview was over, Dennis messaged me from the holding room. “Babes, I am still nervous, I’m sorry to have mentioned your name. It’s hard for me to tell lies; it makes me all the more nervous...”
“Yeah, I saw your frightened-to-death face, and my hands were trembling to strangle your neck right there in front of my colleagues!”
“Hehehe. Really sorry for that gaffe babes. But did I manage to make it to the final interview?”
“How could you not? You are wearing my pants, I ironed your clothes this morning, you curled up in bed with me last night... You think it’s easy? Where in the whole wide world can you find an applicant doing just what you did?”
“Hehehehe. I’m so ashamed. How did the other interviewers rate me?”
“They rated you at rank 6 and 7 respectively and me, I placed you at rank 8”
“You gave me the lowest?”
“I should – dammit! You screwed up and you got me busted. I should have eliminated you in my list.” I teased. “No, seriously, I don’t want to get very obvious, babes.”
“A owkies. I understand…”
As expected, Dennis passed in the final interview even improving his overall ranking to the top 5 slot. Now that I am back abroad, the last message he sent me was that he was already arranging his passport and then next, the medical. He is so excited.
My son, Josh, has no problem too knowing that Dennis will be coming over. In fact, Just a few minutes ago, he texted me asking, “Dad, when is Kuya Dennis coming?”
“I don’t know, son; maybe in a week or two? Why did you ask? Don’t you want Kuya Dennis to be with me here?”
“It’s ok dad. He seems to be a nice person.”
Any time soon, God willing, Dennis’ desire to land himself a job abroad will be realized. And I am glad that he made it during my eight short days of stay in Manila. It was like a dream; I closed my eyes and there I was in my home country – and with him; when I woke up, I was suddenly alone, back to reality.
But that dream was something I could never forget; for in it was a story about a love, about a friendship, and about a fulfilled promise. And that fulfilled promise changed forever the life of one special friend. Dennis...
Idol Ko Si Sir (Book 2)
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Idol Ko Si Sir 02
WARNING: This post contains explicit scenes and is not suitable for readers below 18.
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Philippine Copyright 2009
By: Michael Juha
ISBN No. 978-971-011-022-3
All rights reserved.
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Author's Note:
This post has been deleted by the author.
By: Michael Juha
ISBN No. 978-971-011-022-3
All rights reserved.
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Author's Note:
This post has been deleted by the author.
Idol Ko Si Sir (Book 1)
Labels:
Idol Ko Si Sir 01
WARNING: This post contains explicit scenes and is not suitable for readers below 18.
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Philippine Copyright 2009
By: Michael Juha
ISBN No. 978-971-011-022-3
All rights reserved
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Magsi-second year college ako, 18 years old lang nung inilipat ng mommy sa probinsya upang dun na mag-aral. Sa Maynila kasi, kahit magagaling ang schools ay halos walang nangyayari sa pag-aaral ko, dahil sa bisyo at barkada. Siguro nakita nya na pag sa Maynila ako mag-aaral, walang ring patutunguhan dahil na imbes ang mga subjects ko ang ipasa, kung anu-anong bisyo nalang ang natututunan.
Nag-iisang anak lang ako. Nung puslit pa lamang ay namatay na rin ang daddy kong kano, kaya’t mom ko na lang ang nag-alaga sa akin. Actually, hindi naman mahina ang ulo ko, in fact, nasa gifted level ang IQ. Sadya lang talagang ayokong mag-aral at ewan ko rin ba, parang may kulang. Feeling ko wala akong kakampi sa mundo at dahil sa kahit na anong bagay ay naibibigay ng magulang, hindi ko naranasang maghirap. Sa pakiwari koy napaka boring ng mundo, walang ka-challenge challenge. Yan ang naisiksik sa utak ko simula nung bata pa lang. Kaya enjoy na enjoy ako sa barkada at sa bisyong sugal, droga, at kung anu-ano pa.
Siguro masasabi ko ring ang lahat ng bagay ay nasa akin na – hitsura, tangkad, kaginhawahan. Ngunit ang lahat ng to ay hindi ko iniisip o na-aappreciate man lang. Parang may iba akong hinahanap. Kaya nung mag-decide ang mommy na sa probinsya na ako mag-aral, pumayag na rin ako. “Ok lang... baka dun ko pa matagpuan ang challenge na hinahanap-hanap”, sabi ko sa sarili.
Hindi kalakihan ang school; may mga 400 ka estudyante lang ang population ng buong colllege department. Isa itong sectarian na pag-aari ng mga madre. Kahit na nasa probinsya sya, kumpleto at state-of-the-art ang mga facilities. Mailinis, nasa ayos ang lahat. At ang nagustuhan ko rin ay ang malalaking kahoy sa loob at paligid ng campus na nakapagbibigay ng malamig at preskong hangin.
Dahil sa hindi kalakihang population, halos mgakakakilala ang mga estudyante rito. Alam nila ang mga transferees, ang mga pamatay sa honor’s list, ang pabalik-balik an sa subjects, kung sino ang may ganitong ugali, body odor, habit, etc. Kaya nung pinaka unang araw ng pasukan, sa akin lahat nakatutok ang tingin ng mga kapwa estudyante. Kumbaga center of attraction na kaagad. At marahil ay dahil galing Maynila at mejo naiiba ang dating sa mestiso at tangkad an postura, marami kaagad akong naging kaibigan.
Simple lang ang paniniwala ko sa buhay. Ang lahat ay nakukuha sa pera; kung hindi man sa pera, sa ibang diskarte – pagpapa-cute, pambobola, panliligaw, pagpapa-impress, o simpleng pagparamdam na nanjan lang ako sa tabi, handang magbigay ng kung ano man ang gusto nung tao sa akin kapalit ng gusto ko. At kung ayaw pa ring bumigay at masyado ng nasaktan ang ego ko, pwedi na ang ultimate na sandata – blackmail. Kumbaga, wala sa bokabularyo ko ang santong dasalan; lahat ay nakukuha sa santong paspasan.
Wala akong problema sa mga estudyante at kaibigan. Unang impression pa lang nila sa akin ay “cool” kaagad; friendly daw ako, mabait, palabiro at andaming chicks na kinikilig. Sa dami ngang nakikipagkaibigan sa akin baka kung tumakbo akong presidente sa student council, mananalo ako kaagad ng walang kahirap-hirap. Ang problema ko lang ay ang isang teacher sa Sociology – si Sir James.
Si Sir James ay 23 years old lang, matalino, magaling magturo at mejo non-traditional ang approach sa klase. Kung hindi nga lang sya naka-upo sa teacher’s desk sa harap ng classroom ay sasabihin mo talagang isa sya sa mga estudyante sa klase namin. Matangkad, moreno, guwapo at estudyanteng-estudyante ang porma sa pananamit at pagdadala. Nakikipag-bonding sa mga estudyante, nakikipagbiruan, nakikipaglaro ng basketball, at malapit ang loob sa kanila.
Ngunit kung gaano sya kalapit sa mga estudyante sa labas ng klase, kabaligtaran naman pag nasa loob. Mahigpit sa mga rules at disiplina. Pero, patas naman. “Kapag nasa labas, barkada tayo, kahit ano pweding sabihin, pweding gawin; pero kapag nasa loob ng klase, ibang usapan na. Ako pa rin ang teacher nyo” Yan ang linya nya sa mga estudyanteng nakikipagbarkada sa kanya. Kaya gustong-gusto sya ng mga estudyante. Kumbaga, klaro ang rules, patas sa lahat, at alam nila kung saan sila lulugar, di kagaya ng ibang teachers na masungit, tyrant, o kaya’y parang wala lang...
Isang taon pa lang na nagtuturo si Sir James ngunit kilala na sya bilang isang magaling na guro at maraming nalolokong estudyante. Ngunit, siguro sadyang hindi pweding magkalapit ang loob namin. Sa unang meeting pa lang ng klase, na-experience ko na kaagad ang bagsik nya.
“Class, I’d like you to introduce yourselves, let’s start with the newcomer here from the big city, Mr. Miller...” yun ang hindi ko malimutang pambungad na salita nya kung san nagsimula ang pagka-badtrip ko.
Tumayo nga ako at nagself-introduce. Kaso, mejo nasobrahan yata ang pagka-presko ko. “My name is Carl Miller and, as Sir James said, I’m a transferee, 18 years old, single without experience, never been touched, never been kissed. In short, I’m a stupid, horny virgin, very much available and am planning to offer myself for auction” sabay hiyawan at palakpakan ng buong klase.
“Silence!!!” sigaw ni Sir James sabay lingon sa akin na namumula ang mukha, “Mr. Miller, this is a civil class for people who desire to be civil. And I have no intention of turning this into a brothel or a sex shop! We don’t care if you are a virgin, a stupid, or a maniac. We just want to know something civil about you, you understand?”
Biglang natahimik ang lahat, at syempre, hiyang-hiya ako sa sarili.
Simula nun, feeling ko pinag-iinitan na ako ni Sir James. Parang ang lahat na mabibigat na assignments ay sa akin napupunta. Pag sa klase nya hindi ako tumataas ng kamay o kaya’y sadyang walang maisasagot, pinapatayo ako nyan, at kapag may naisasagot naman, sinusupalpal. At hindi lang yan, ang tawag nya na sa akin ay ‘Blessed Virgin Carl’. “And... does Blessed Virgin Carl have something intelligent to add here...?” tanong nya sa akin isang beses nung mapansing ang isip koy lumilipad.
“A, er... I beg your pardon, Sir?”
“As I was saying, tell me what will an idiot say if he doesn’t understand the question because his mind is somewhere else?” paglilihis nya sa tanong pagpapatama sa akin at pagpaparamdam sa klase.
“Excuse me sir?” tanong kong mejo naguguluhan.
“Exactly! See...? That’s what an idiot would say!” ang sarcastic na sagot nya habang naka-gesticulate ang kamay turo sa akin pagpapatunay na ang sinabi ko ay tugma sa sasabihin ng isang idiot.
Nakakabingi ang tawanan ang buong klase.
Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit ganun ang turing ni Sir James sa akin. Parang sa lahat ng mga estudyante sa campus, ako ang sini-single out nya at tinitira samantalang napaka-palakaibigan naman nya sa mga estudyante. Pero kahit na masama ang loob ko sa kanya, yun ang naging dahilan para pagbutihan kong maigi ang pag-aaral sa subject nya, para wag lang mapahiya, to the point na kahit saan-saan nalang ako naghahagilap ng research materials. Wala na akong ginawa kungdi ang magbasa ng magbasa tungkol sa sociology nya. Hanggang sa lahat ng aspeto ng subject ay naging kabisadong-kabisado ko at lahat ng tanong nya sa akin ay nasasagot.
Ngunit sadyang pinipiga pa rin ni Sir ang utak ko at hindi sya nawawalan ng mga tanong at argumento. Kaya’t kapag ako naman ang naka-porma, ginigisa ko rin sya sa katatanong ng mga bagay na nakukuha ko rin sa ibang sources. At naging maaksyon ang klase namin; punong-puno ng participasyon. Dahil sa katatanong ko, na-eencourage na rin ang ibang kaklase na mag-follow up at nabubuksan ang iba pang grey areas at related issues sa subject. “Gusto mo ng tagisan ng talino, sige, magtutuos tayo” sabi ko sa sarili.
Dahil doon, humanga na rin sa akin ang mga kaklase ko.
“Alam mo Carl, ang galing-galing mo. Dahil sa mga explanations mo sa tanong ni Sir at sa mga tanong mo na rin sa kanya, nagiging interesting ang klase. Iba ka talaga, tol!” sabi ng kaklase at kadikit kong si Ricky. “Pero napansin ko lang pare, ha, bakit parang mainit ang ulo ni Sir James sa iyo? At, sorry din sa tanong na to, bakit sa ibang klase ay parang dini-deadma mo na lang? Di ka ba natatakot na bumagsak sa ibang subjects?”
“Sa una mong tanong, heto ang sagot ko: malay ko sa kanya! Siguro insecure yan sa ka-pogihan ko, hehehe. Sa pangalawa mong tanong, di mo ba napansin sina ma’am pag nagkakalase? Natuturete pag tinitigan ko, nalulusaw, dre – hehehe” pagmamalaki ko sa sarili.
“So...?” tanong ulit ni Ricky na naguluhan sa sagot ko.
“So...? You don’t get it, tol? It’s obvious na type ako ng mga yun!” pag-emphasize ko. “E, kikindatan ko lang ang mga yan, ipapasa na ako e”
“Matindi ka, dre! E, panu kung di oobra ang plano mo at ibagsak ka pa rin?”
“Malabo yan, dre, dahil proven na sa Maynila ang style ko na yan. At pag ibinagsak talaga nila ako, baka gusto nila ng pera, o di kaya, ako... hehehe” Sabi kong naka-ngiting-aso. “Ngunit kung ayaw pa rin nilang bumigay, isa lang ang dahilan nyan, dre, love nila talaga ako at hindi nila kayang mawalay ako sa mga paningin nila – hahahaha! Atsaka, problema ba yun pag bumagsak, di balik ulit next sem, chicken feed lang yan.”
“Iba ka talaga, pareng Carl... Ok, balik tayo dun kay Sir James. Di kaya may iba syang motibo kung bakit pinag-iinitan ka nya palagi? U-owwww! I smell something...” sabay bitiw ng nakakalokong ngiti at makahulugang tingin.
Hindi ko na inintindi ang ipinahiwatig na yun ni Ricky. Pero sa loob-loob ko, talagang naghanap ako ng paraan para makaganti. Di ko lang alam kung paano.
Sa mga nagdaang araw, hindi pa rin nagbago ang pag-trato sa akin ni Sir James sa klase. Bagkus, feeling ko lalo pang lumala. Kaya dahil sa inis at sama ng loob na parang hindi man lang na-appreciate ang ginawa kong effort sa klase nya, naisipan kong hindi na sisipot at hayaan na lang na i-drop niya ako.
May mga anim na sunod-sunod na sessions na hindi na ako nagpakita pa sa klase nung may natanggap akong note, “Carl, I would like to talk to you today at 4:30 pm; conference room – Sir James”
Expected ko na ang sulat na yun. So sinagot ko, “Sir, I will talk to you only in a private venue, not in school. Ayokong teacher-student ang turing ng usapan coz I’m dropping my subject. I suggest na lalaki-sa-lalaki ang usapan, at hindi guro-estudyante. Kahit saang venue, wag lang sa school” sagot ko sa note nya.
Kinabukasan, may note ulit ako, “Sa apartment ko nalang bukas; 8 pm.”
“Good!” sabi ko sa sarili. “Magtutuos tayo, Mr. James Cruz. Tingnan natin kung hanggang saan ang galing mo...”
Syempre, ni-ready ko ang sarili at naisipan kong mag-research tungkol sa buhay-buhay nya. Kinausap ko si Ricky at tinanong ang mga nalalaman nya tungkol kay Sir James.
“Alam mo, dre, kung personal na aspeto tungkol kay Sir, meron akong nalalamang konti. Aside sa pagiging malapit nya sa mga estudyante, inteligente, at guwapo, meron syang isang bagay na hindi naman confirmed ngunit sikreto – sikretong alam ng buong campus, hehehe” sabi nyang pabiro.
“Anong ibig mong sabihin?”
“Si Sir James ay... silahis – daw ha, dahil hindi naman na-prove talaga yan e. Pero syempre, nagtataka din ang marami dahil kahit sa hitsura nyang yan at tindi ng appeal at maraming chick ang naloloko ay wala namang girlfriend o nililigawan, di ba? At ang na-involved sa kanya ay isang nagngangalang Henry, mestiso Chinese na nagtuturo din sa school natin last year pero nasa US na ngayon. Magkasama sila sa apartment kasi e. Kaya nga, yang ibang pagtrato nya sa iyo ngayon, naisip ko lang ha... U-uhhh!” Hindi na ni Ricky itinuloy ang sasabihin sabay bitiw ng isang napakapilyong ngiti. “Iba talaga ang level ng ka-gwapuhan mo, tol - hahaha!”
“Ganun ka pala ha...” sabi ng utak kong nanggagalaiti at may sumiksik na maitim na balak.
(Itutuloy)
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Idol Ko Si Sir (Part 2)
Dumating ang araw ng aming “pag-tutuos” ni Sir James. At pinaghandaan ko ang oras na yun. Sa suot kong puting t-shirt at jeans hanep na hanep ang dating. “Tingnan natin kung hindi ka sasakay sa plano ko sa iyo” sabi ng utak kung sinulsulan ng demonyo. Sinadya kong magpaporma talaga para sa okasyon na yun. At kasali sa planong yun ang pagdadala ng isang boteng imported na alak, pulutang setseria, kunyari pasalubong. Ngunit ang pinakabida sa lahat ay ang phone-camera ko.
“Good evening James” ang pag greet ko sa kanya nung binuksan na nya ang gate. Hindi na ako nag-Sir pa.
“Good evening din Carl!” sabi nyang nakangiti.
“Himala, nakangiti sa akin” sabi ko sa sarili. “A, heto pala, James may dala akong maiinom habang nag-uusap tayo. May pulutan na rin.”
Pumasok kami sa living room, kinuha nya ang dala kong alak at mga setseria at inilagay sa mesa. Maganda ang flat nya, tamang tama lang sa laki, may sariling CR at shower, kusina, living room at bedroom. May maliit din syang corner kung saan nakalagay ang mga personal nyang gym equipment. Maayos na maayos ang kwarto, malinis, masinop.
“Hindi ka na dapat nagdala pa neto Carl, di namam pakikipag-inuman ang pakay ko e. Tungkol sa attendance mo sa klase ang pag-uusapan natin, yun lang. At kung maari, ayaw kung uminom.”
“Yun na nga, eh... Sa ibang estudyante, nakikipag-bonding ka, nakikipag-biruan, sumasali sa mga kung anu-anong sosyalan. Pero sa akin iba ang pakikitungo mo... Ang labo mo naman, James. Ano ba talaga ang problema mo sa akin?” Sabi kong kalmante pa rin at pigil ang sariling hindi ipinahalata ang sama ng loob. “Kaya’t para hindi ako tuluyang magtampo, dapat lang na mag-bonding din tayo. Hindi ako makipag-usap sa iyo kung di ka nakikipag-inuman sakin. At dapat, maubos natin yang isang boteng alak na dala ko. Take it, or leave it.”
Kitang-kita ko sa mga mata nya ang pagkagulat. “Are you kidding? Yang buong bote na yan at tayong dalawa lang? Ang tindi mo rin pala sa inuman, no? Pero alam mo, Carl, itong pag-uusapan natin ay hindi naman para sa kapakanan ko e; ito’y tungkol sa iyo, para tulungan ka, mabigyan ng advice jan sa pinaggagawa mo. Dapat nga ikaw ang unang taong maghahabol ng solusyon dito dahil personal mong kapakanan ang nakataya...”
“Wow naman, James. Hanep din ang diskarte mo” ang sagot kong mejo tumaas na ang boses. “At wag mong kalimutan, di teacher ang pakikitungo ko sa iyo ngayon, ka-level lang tayo. And if it’s me that you want to talk about, or if it’s about your stupid subject, then I don’t care a bit. At tungkol jan sa sinabi mong pag-tulong?” pag-emphasize ko sa salitang ‘tulong’ “well, thanks, but, no thanks dahil, I don’t need your help, man. I don’t need your damn, fuckin help, ok?” Tinitigan ko sya ng matalas, tila nagbabanta. “Ngayon, does this mean I have to leave now?” at akmang tatalikod na sana.
“No, wait... OK, ok. Iinum ako, pero hanggang kalahating bote lang tayo. Pwede na ba yun?”
“Deal!” sabi ko sa kanyang mejo nasiyahan. “Yun naman pala e...” bulong ng isip kong nasiyahan na rin sa sagot nya.
At nag-inuman nga kami, tagay system, yung iisa lang ang basong gamit at iikot sa aming dalawa ang tagay. Walang usapan, puro pakiramdaman lang, nagbabasa sya ng libro habang kuntento na ako sa pagsisigarilyo. Basta ang target ay makaubos ng hanggang kalahati ng bote at dun pa kami magsimulang mag-usap sa tungkol sa ano mang gusto nyang pag-usapan.
Nakailang tagay din kami nung sadyang tanggalin ko ang t-shirt. “Mainit, sensya ka na James...”
Hindi sya kumibo. Hindi ko alam kung anong nasa isip nya ngunit tinanggal din nya ang t-shirt nya. Mejo na-appreciate ko rin ang ganda ng upper body ni Sir, kumbaga sculpted from chest hanggang sa abs at oblique muscles. Ngunit hindi na ako nagtaka dahil sa nakita kong personal mini-gym nya, sigurado akong nagwo-work out sya palagi.
“Disgrasya ka ngayon...” bulong ko sa sarili sabay bitiw ng pilyong ngiti. Maya-maya, nung mag-init na ang pakiramdam tumayo ako’t sumayaw-sayaw na parang macho-dancer, ina-unbuckle ang belt at tinanggal ang dalawang upper buttons ng fly at sadyang ibinababa ng konti ang jeans para lilitaw ang puting garter ng brief.
“Wala bang music?” tanong ko. Pagpaparamdam na nabo-bored sa sitwasyon naming walang imikan.
Pinatugtog nya ang isang mellow music na lalong nagpapalakas ng loob kong mag-tease. Tiningnan lang nya ako at pinagpatuloy na ang pagbabasa, napailing-iling.
“Tingnan na lang natin kung iiling-iling ka pa rin mamaya” ang pagbabanta ng utak ko.
Eksaktong kalahati na ng bote ang naubos namin nung inilatag na ni Sir sa mesa ang aklat na binabasa. “O, siguro naman pwedi na tayong mag-usap...” sabi nya habang nakatutok sa akin ang mapupungay na mata dala ng pag-epekto na ng alak.
Umupo ako sa harap ng inupuan nya. Gusto kong matawa dahil sa pagkabilis nyang malasing, palibhasa, hindi sanay. “Heto yung taong hinahangaan, tinitingala, minahal, at iniidolo ng mga estudyante ngunit nandito sa harap ko, halos isang sapak ko lang at mawalan na ng ulirat.” sabi ko sa sarili. Tinitigan kong maigi si Sir James. Kahit nanggagalaiti ako sa galit, napansin ko rin ang napaka-attractive nyang mukha. In fairness, makinis; may magandang hugis ng mata at kilay, may matungis na ilong at mamumula-mulang mga labi, makapal na mejo wavy na buhok. No wonder na madami ding nalolokang babaeng estudyante sa kanya dahil sa hayup nyang porma.
Nasa ganun akong paghanga ng sumigaw si Sir James. Dahil sa kalasingan, animoy bata itong, “Hoy, Carl, hindi ka naman nakinig eh…!”
“OK lang James, magsalita ka...” ang sabi ko habang pinagmasdan na lang ang bawat galaw nya. Ibayong pagmamalaki sa sarili ang nadama; ako hindi pa halos tinablan sa nainum habang si Sir James ay mukhang bibigay na. At tila nagtatalon na sa galak na nademonyong isip sa nakikinitang palapit na katuparan sa maitim na balak.
Tumungga ulit ako ng tagay, at isa pa. “O, gusto mo pa?” sabi kong sabay offer ng isang basong tagay sa kanya.
“OK, sige...” tinungga nya ang tagay. Tinagayan ko pa, at ulit tinungga iyon. Nakailang ulit din syang tumungga…
Lasing na lasing na sya nung magpuntang CR para umihi, halos di na na makatayo. Nasa bungad pa lang ng CR nung mapansin kong maduduwal na kayat takbo kaagad ako para alalayan sya. Nasa likuran nya ako at akap-akap sya. Di ko maintindihan ang naramdaman habang naglapat ang aming mga hubad at pawisang pang-itaas na katawan. May kiliting dumaloy sa buong katawan ko habang bumubundol-bundol naman ang harapan ko sa likuran nya. Namalayan ko na lang na tumigas ang pagkalalaki ko.
Nasa ganung ayos kami nung mapansin kong parang nahirapan syang i-unbuckle ang belt upang buksan ang fly. Kayat habang nakasandal sya sa akin, ibinaba ko ang mga kamay kong naka-akap sa chest area nya at ako an mismo ang nag-unbuckle ng belt at nagbukas ng fly. Ako na rin ang naghugot ng ari nya. Dahil sa tinigasan si Sir, sumagi ito sa brief nya. Hinawakan ko iyon at isenentro sa toilet bowl ang bagsak ng kanyang ihi.
“Tangna! Para akong nag-assit ng isang disabled neto” sabi kong di maintindihan kung matatawa o maiinis. Parang nakuryente ako sa ginawa kong iyon. Sa buong buhay ko, nun lang ako nakahawak ng ari ng iba – at sa tao pang kinaiinisan ko.
Nung matapos na syang umihi, hindi sya kumilos, nakasandal lang sa akin, marahil dahil sa hilo; ang dalawa nyang kamay ay naka laylay lang sa giliran, aka-akap ng isa kong kamay ang chest area nya habang ang isa kong kamay naman ay hawak-hawak pa rin ang kumikislot-kislot nyang ari.
Lumakas ang kabog ng dibdib ko sa hindi maipaliwanang na naramdaman sa eksenang iyon. Hanggang sa gumalaw ang mga kamay ni Sir at siya na mismo ang nagsiksik ng ari nya pabalik sa loob ng brief.
Mukhang nahimasmasan na sya ng konti at hinayaan ko na lang din syang mag-isang maglakad pabalik sa sala.
“Arggggghhhhhh! Shitttt!” sambit ng isipan ko habang pinagmasdan syang paika-ika, di malaman kung bubugbugin sya o mainis sa sarili dahil sa imbis na galit at paghiganti, ay may sumisingit na kung anong awa o kiliti ang nadarama sa naudlot an eksena.
Nakaupo na sya nung bumalik ako sa inuupuan ko paharap sa kanya. “OK ka lang?” tanong ko.
“OK lang. Salamat... nahihiya ako sa iyo.” sabi nyang parang hirap sa pagsalita dahil sa kalasingan.
“OK lang yun, James, pareho naman tayong lalaki, e.” Sabi ko. “Balik pala tayo dun sa dahilan ng pagpapatawag mo sa akin, ano nga ulit yun? Sige, makikinig na ako dahil tinupad mo naman ang hiningi kong kundisyon at halos maubos na nga natin tong alak e.”
“Gusto ko lang naman... bumalik ka sa klase ko eh. Sayang naman ang galing mo kung di mo ipasa ang subject ko... yun lang ang gusto ko, simpleng bagay lang.”
“Ah, yun lang ba? Chicken. Ok, papasukan ko ang subject mo pero sa isang kundisyon.”
“Ano na naman yang kundisoyn na yan? Putsa, andami mong kundisyon din no?” sabi nyang sabay kamot sa ulo na parang batang nakukulitan.
“Makikipag-sex ka sa akin.”
Animoy nataranta sya’t biglang humupa ang kalasingan, di makapaniwala sa narinig. Napailing-iling at binitiwan ang pilit an ngiti habang ang mapupungay na mga matang dala ng kalasingan ay nakatutok sa akin. “Shittt! Tell me you are kidding, Carl.”
“No, I’m not James!”
Tinitigan nya ako. Nag-isip. “Di ko kaya, Carl...”
“Di mo kaya dahil estudyante mo ako o dahil ayaw mo lang talaga?”
“What is the point?” tanong nya.
“Just answer my question. Papasukan ko ba ang klase mo o hindi?”
“OK, ok. Bago ko sagutin ang tanong mong yan, tanong ko lang din. Ikaw ba, gusto mo rin ba talagang gawin ito with me, o may gusto ka lang patunayan?”
Nag-isip ako. “Halimbawang ang sagot ko ay dahil gusto ko lang na may mapatunayan...?”
“Sa akin? O sa sarili mo? Is this an experiment, or a test?” bilis nyang pag follow-up.
Natulala ako sa sagot nyang yun. Hindi ko akalaing sa kabila ng kalasingan nya ay magawa pa nyang ma-corner ako. Hindi ako nakaimik.
“Carl, sasabihin ko to sa yo: alam kong matalino ka, at naamoy ko, nilalaro mo lang ako e. Magaling ka, kaya espesyal ka sa akin, alam mo ba yun? Dahil ibang-iba ka sa lahat ng mga naging estudyante ko. Kumbaga, there is special and interesting about you. But don’t get me wrong; it’s not your looks; it’s your intelligence and the way you look at things, sa age mong yan. At nalulungkot ako dahil sa kabila ng talino mo, you are misdirecting it, stifling its full potential, and in the process heading yourself to self destruction. Nanghihinayang ako. You are a genius, but with the mindset of an idiot. How to correct that mindset is a great challenge for me bilang guro mo. Maaring masama ang loob mo sa akin sa approach ko sa iyo; but I got to do what I think is right. At alam ko, you want to resist and make your own game plan. Ngayon, kung kasali sa game plan mo ang kundisyon na makikipag sex ako sa yo para lang pumasok ka sa klase ko, sige, sasakyan kita jan. But I got my game plan too. And in the end, let us see whose game plan succeeds...” Tumayo sya at kahit groggy, tuluyang hinatak pababa sa sahig ang kanyang jeans at brief.
Mejo tinamaan ako sa sinabing yun ni Sir James. Hindi ko akalaing masabi nya na ako ay espesyal. Hindi ko lang maintindihan at matanggap kung bakit ganun ang approach at pagtrato nya sa akin. Alam kong sa talino at husay ni Sir James bilang isang guro, may malalim syang ibig sabihin at ipinahiwatig. Para akong natauhan at nagdadalawang-isip kung ituloy pa ang binabalak.
Nung makita ko ang biglang paghubad niya ng lahat ng saplot sa harap ko, may ibang kiliti akong naramdaman at tila nabura din bigla lahat sa isipan ang mga katagang binitawan nya tungkol sa akin. Lalo akong humaga sa ganda ng porma ng katawang hunk na hunk ang dating.
Nilapitan ako ni Sir, hinawakan sa kamay, pinatayo at sya na mismo ang nagtanggal ng jeans at brief ko. Biglang gumapang sa buong katawan ko ang sarap na hindi maipaliwanang. At naramdaman ko na lang ang pagtigas ng aking pagkalalaki. Hinalikan ako ni Sir sa bibig, nagdikit ang aming mga katawan. Para kaming nagsasayaw, nagyayakapan, nagkiskisan ang mga dila habang ang mga ungol ay nagingibabaw sa buong kwarto at katahimikan ng gabi. Hanggang sa tuluyan naming naipalabas ang init ng aming mga katawan at bugso ng pagnanasa.
Nung mahimasmasan, hindi ako makapaniwalang nagawa ko ang bagay na iyon. Nalilito, binabagabag ng maraming katanungan ang isipan.
Tiningnan ko si Sir an nakatihaya sa kama. Sa sobang kalasingan, tila walang buhay at walang kamalay-malay sa mga pangyayari. “Maalala kaya nya ang pianggagawa at ang nangyari sa amin sa gabing iyon” tanong ng isip ko.
Ngunit hindi ko na pinapahalagahan pang malaman ang kasagutan. Ang importante sa akin, ay nagtagumpay ako sa aking misyon: ang sikretong makunan ng video clip ang eksenang naglabas-masok sa bibig ni Sir James ang pagkalalaki ko, na sya kong gagamitin sa plano kong pag-blackmail sa kanya...
(Itutuloy)
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Idol Ko Si Sir (Part 3)
Kagaya ng napagkasunduan, pinasukan ko ang subject ni Sir James. Ngunit hindi na kagaya ng dati na ibinuhos ko ang oras at talento sa kakaresearch at pagpapapapel sa mga discussions. Nakaupo lang ako sa isang gilid, kung anu-ano ang pinagkakaabalahan. Nanjan yung nang-iinis sa kaklase, nagdo-drawing ng mukha ng kung sinu-sino, lumalabas paminsan-minsan, o kayay natutulog. Kumbaga, taken for granted at respeto ko na lang sa napag-kasunduan. Pag may test, sina-submit ko kaagad ang test papers kahit walang laman, o drawing lang ng mukha ni Sir James ang nasa papel. Ang importante para sa akin ay di nya na ako iniipit, iniinsulto, pini-pressure. Higit sa lahat, hindi na rin nya ako pinapahiya sa harap ng klase. “Bakit pa ako magpapakahirap jan, e ipapasa din naman ako neto, dahil kung hindi, malaking eskandalo ang mapagpipyestahan sa campus na to. Hawak-hawak ko yata ang video clip na magpapatunay kung gaanu kagaling sumuso si Sir, hehehe... Sarappppp talaga ng buhay!” sambit ng utak kong naalipin ng kademonyohan.
Natapos na lang ang semester, ni hindi kami nag-papansinan. Ang hindi ko maintindihan ay ang nararamdaman ko. Oo, natuwa ako’t para akong ibong nakalaya sa bagsik ni Sir James, ngunit sa kabilang dako, parang may kaunting kirot din sa akin ang biglang pagbabago ng setup. Kung dati, sa akin nakatutok lahat ang attention ng buong klase at ako ang bida at iniidolo dahil sa pagiging palaban sa mga pang-aalaska ni Sir James, sa pagkakataong yun ay pakiwari koy biglang nawalan ng sigla ang mundo ko. Parang may malaking kulang... Na-miss ko ang kasiglahan ng klase, ang pagtatawanan nila at pagsasali sa mga argumentong nabuo dahil sa mga sagutan ng tanong at kontra-tanong namin ni Sir James. At ang higit na nagpapakirot sa dibdib ko ay ang lungkot sa mukha ni Sir. Ibang-iba na sya. Hindi na sya yung dating Sir na masayahin, buhay na buhay sa klase, at may ngiting nakakakahawa at nakakabighani. Nawala na ang dating sigla nya. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit ganun ang nararamdaman ko sa sandaling makita ang malungkot nyang mukha. Paminsan-minsan, pumapasok na lang sya sa isip ko at napapatulala na lang bigla. Minsan naman, parang gustong-gusto ko syang makita. Ngunit binale-wala ko nalang. Nanaig pa rin sa akin ang pride sa nararamdamang tagumpay laban sa kanya. “Kaw kasi, hindi mo muna tiningnan kung sino’ng makakabangga mo” sabi ko sa sarili.
Nung bigayan na ng grades, tuwang-tuwa kong kinuha ang card at excited na excited. “Gaano kaya kataas ang grades na ibinigay ni Sir James sa akin? Flat 1.0 kaya? Hehehe” tanong ko sa sarili. Dahil kasama ko ang kaibigang si Ricky, pagmamayabang kong ibinigay sa kanya ang card. “Tol, basahin mo nga at ikaw na ang magsabi kung gaano kabait ni Sir James sakin. Ano dre, flat 1.0 ba ang grade ko sa kanya, ha?”
Nung tiningnan na ni Ricky ang card, laking gulat ko na lang ng, “Hahahahahaha! INC. Tol, INC! Ganyan kabait si Sir James sa iyo! Nasa line of one ang grades mo sa lahat ng mga subjects maliban sa kanya – incomplete, hahaha!”
Sa sobrang hiya ko, dali-dali kong tinalikuran si Ricky at deretsong pumunta sa Faculty Room. “Magtutuos tayo ngayon, Mr. James Cruz. Talagang gusto mo akong kalabanin ha? Sige...” ang sigaw ng utak kong nanggagalaiti.
Dinatnan ko si Sir James sa Faculty Room at nagliligpit ng mga personal na gamit, pansin ko ang sobrang lungkot sa kanyang mukha. “James! Don’t do this to me, ok! I attended your stupid class based on what we agreed, remember nung mag-inuman tayo? Why didn’t you comply with what we agreed? What did you do to my grade? Answer meee!!!” ang sigaw ko habang nasa pintuan palang ng Faculty Room, hindi alintana ang iba pang guro at madre sa paligid.
“Hey, hey! Let’s talk this over at the Conference Room, ok? Come follow me. ”Ang kalmante nyang sagot habang nagmamadaling lumabas patungong Conference Room. Sumunod ako.
Nung nasa loob na kami nang naka-lock na Conference Room, “Ok, Mr. Miller, you are free to scream or to hit me. Come on, give me your best shot!” ang pasigaw nyang sabi habang hinila pataas ang sleeves pagpapahiwatig na handa syang makipag-suntukan.
Mejo nag-init ang tenga ko sa inasta nyang yun kayat sinugod ko sya kaagad para paulanan ng suntuk ang mukha. Ngunit naunahan nyang puliputin ang isang braso ko na halos mawalan na ako ng ulirat sa tindi ng sakit habang ang isang braso nya ay ini-lock sa leeg ko. Halos hindi ako makakilos at makahinga. Nasa likuran ko sya, ang katawan namin ay nagkadikit. Hindi ako makapaniwala sa bilis ng pangyayari at sa galing nya sa martial arts.
“Ok, Mr. Miller, you want to talk things over the easy way or the hard way?” ang matigas at pagalit nyang bulong sa tenga ko habang nasa ganun kaming tensionadong ayos, parehong habol-habol ang paghinga. Dahil sa idiniin nya ang bibig nya sa tenga ko, amoy an amoy ko ang hininga nya habang nagsasalita. Kahit ako nasa ganung katinding galit, bigla nalang pumasok sa isip ang nangyari sa flat nya nung malasing sya at umihi sa CR, nakasandal sa katawan ko. Yun nga lang, baligtad ang puesto namin dahil sya na ang nasa likod. Parang may sumundot na kiliti sa akin ang tagpong iyon at unti-unting nalusaw ang galit ko.
“Urkkk! James, pakawalan mo ako please... I’ll talk to you, I’ll talk to you!”
“Marunong ka naman palang mag-please. Ok, then let’s do it the easy way. Shoot your question!” Pinakawalan nga nya ako, naupo kami, magkaharap at nanggagalaiti sa galit ang titig nya sa akin.
“Why did you give me an INC?” ang tanong ko kaagad sa kanya.
“Ow, good question, Mr. Miller... and I’m dying to really hear that question from you. Sa tingin mo ba, kung ikaw ang nasa kalagayan ko at ako ang nasa iyo, would you give me a good grade? Pasalamat ka’t INC lang yun, not an outright failure...”
“Di ba ang usapan lang naman natin ay mag-attend ako sa subject mo?” ang mabilis kong sagot.
“Exactly! But remember Carl, hindi sinehan ang pinapasukan mo. It’s a damn class! And what do you expect to do in a stupid class? Siguro naman alam mo, di ba? Do I need to remind?”
Hindi ako nakapagsalita. Naisip ko na lang na kahit kailan, hindi ako nakakalusot sa mga katwiran niya. Palagi akong pinapahirapan, palagi nalang akong talunan.
Naisip ko ang cp at kinapa iyon sa bulsa ko. “OK... fine. Pero heto, may ipakita ako sa yo. Easy ka lang...” At pini-play ko nga ang video clip n akuha ko nung malasing sya at may nangyari sa amin sa flat niya. Tiningnan nya ito.
Ngunit hindi pa man natapos ang clip, “Ah, blackmail...? Ow come on, Carl, don’t be so hard on yourself. Alam mo, dapat magpakalalaki ka e. If you want to achieve something, then work hard for it. Napakaganda ng feeling kung ang isang bagay ay nakuha mo dahil pinaghirapan mo, o pinagpawisan. Napakadaming tao sa mundo na deprived sa mga bagay na nasa iyo na, naghirap, nag-invest ng dugo at pawis para lamang makamit ang mga kahit simpleng bagay na kagaya ng damilt o sapatos. Karamihan nga ay hindi na makapag-aral. May iba nga jan, hindi makakain kung hindi binibilad ang katawan sa araw o magbanat ng buto. Yung iba, ni hindi na iniisip ang ibang bagay na taken for granted na lang ng mga taong katulad mong spoiled brat dahil ang mas mahalaga sa kanila ay kung ano ang ilalagay na pagkain sa mesa. Yung iba nga e kahit mesa wala, at yung iba naman ay nakakatulog na lang na walang laman ang sikmura... Alam ko yan dahil isa ako sa kanila nung maliit pa ako, walang magulang lumaki sa hirap. Nagreklamo ba ako? Gumawa ba ako ng masama? Namblackmail ba ako? Hindi Carl. Bagkus, naging mas tumibay pa ang hangarin kong magsikap at magpursige… Ngunit ikaw, heto, blackmail ang puhunan sa isang napakaliit na bagay na kayang-kayang kamtin sa malinis na pamamaraan. Don’t you feel guilty and ashamed? Wow naman Mr. Miller... Na-experince mo na ba ang tinatawag nilang ‘peace of mind’ and ‘inner satisfaction’? O kaya’y kahit yun nalang sarap ng feeling sa pagkamit ng isang bagay na pinaghirapan at pinagpawisan? Itanong mo nga minsan yan sa sarili mo para magkaroon ka naman kahit papanu silbi sa mundo. Anyway, whatever you think makes you happy, then go for it; I don’t care a bit. At oo nga pala, today is my last day. I am leaving this school dahil... sasabihin nalang nating I failed as a teacher. May isang estudyante akong in the beginning I thought kaya kong baguhin ang baluktot na pananaw at gawing huwaran ng mga kabataan. Nagkamali ako sa challenge na iyon para sa sarili. I guess I was just too ambitious... Hindi ko alam kung saan pupunta after today but kaya ko namang mabuhay sa isang malinis na pamamaraan; na hindi gumagamit ng dahas, intimidation, o pambablackmail. Sanay ako sa hirap; sanay ako sa mabibigat na trabaho... Ang importante, wala akong tinatapakang tao, walang inaagrabyado o iniipit...” Nahinto sya ng saglit at binitiwan ang napakalalim na buntong-hininga. “Sayang lang ang lahat ng nasimulan ko dito... para sa mga estudyante. Anyway, I guess it’s goobye, Mr. Miller; nice meeting you here” dugtong nya sabay tayo at extend ng handshake. “By the way, a few words of advice: napaka-swerte mo sa buhay, Carl, I think it’s time for you to count your blessings, be happy with what you have, and be a positive contribution to the humankind.” Pahabol nyang sabi bago tuluyang lumabas ng conference room at isinara ang pinto.
Para akong napako sa pagkakaupo at sinampal ng maraming beses. Hiyang-hiya ako sa sarili, di malaman kung anong gagawin. Umuwi ako ng bahay na puno ng kalituhan, pagsisisi at panghihinayang. Di ko alam kung bakit ako nalulungkot at tumulo na lang ang luha. Siguro ay dahil sa mga sinabi nya na tumatagos sa puso at isipan ko, lalo na nung malaman kong galing din pala sya sa kahirapan, naghirap ang mama nya at nagbanat sya ng buto para lang makatulong sa pamilya at makamit ang tagumpay. At naalala ko ang Mom ko, ang mga paalala nya, ang mga pinagdaanan nyang hirap sa buhay sa pagkamatay ng Dad, ang mga paghihirap nya sa pagpapalaki sa akin, at ngayong heto ako, malaki na sana at imbes na tatayong katuwang at kakampi nya sa dinaanang hirap, ako pa itong nagdagdag-pahirap sa kanya, at binale-wala ang mga bagay na nakamtan at tinatamasa ko dahil sa pagsisikap nya. “Tama si Sir James... napakaganda ng mga sinasabi nya” ang bulong ko sa sarili.
Kinaumagahan, sinadya kong pumunta ulit ng school. Bulung-bulongan na ang pag-resign ni Sir James. Marami ang nanghihinayang. Biglang lumakas ang kabog ng dibdib ko, at di maipaliwanag ang nararamdaman. Halos tumulo na ang luha ko nung maisipang puntahan ang Faculty Room at alamin kung umalis na ba talaga si Sir.
“Ay, Mr. Miller, I think he’s still on his way to the bus terminal papuntang airport...” ang sabi ng isang gurong napagtanungan ko.
Dali-dali akong pumuntang terminal. Hindi ako nahirapang hanapin si Sir James dahil pinapaligiran sya ng maraming mga estudyanteng nag send-off sa kanya sa terminal, yung iba ay umiiyak. Nung mapansin nilang nandun ako, nagbigay-daan sila para makalapit ako kay Sir. Ramdam ko sa mga tingin nila ang matinding galit nila sa akin.
Nung magkaharap na kami, lumakas ang kabog ng dibdib ko, at di malaman kung ano’ng sasabihin. Hiya, panghihinayang, lungkot at pagsisisi ang naghalong nararamdaman. Di ko rin maintindihan ang excitement na nadama nung makitang nakangiti sya sa akin. Parang gusto kong umiyak. “Hi James...” ang nasambit ko lang.
“Hi, Carl!” ang maigsi rin nyang tugon.
“E... Sorry nga pala sa lahat. Marami akong mga pagkakamali at hindi ko alam kung paanu mai-prove ang pagsisisi ko. Sana, nandito ka pa sa school. Dito, maraming nagmamahal sa iyo, marami ka na ring nagawa at nasimulan. At nahirapan akong patawarin ang sarili dahil sa pagiging dahilan ng iyong pag-alis. Hiyang-hiya ako sa iyo, sa mga estudyanteng nagmamahal sa iyo...” ang sabi ko, di malaman ang sunod pang sasabihin.
“Hahaha! Wag ka ngang mag-drama jan Carl. Wala na sa akin yun. Pinatawad na kita at masaya ako at nakapag-isipisip ka rin. At, tungkol jan sa pruweba na nagsisi ka, isa lang ang gusto kong gawin mo. Puntahan mo si Prof. Fuentes, nandun lahat ang instruction ko para sa iyo; kung ano ang dapat mong gawin para mabura ang INC mong grade. Pag ipinasa mo iyon ng maigi, maniniwala na talaga ako na nagsisisi ka na.”
“I’ll do it, James, thank you.”
“And I want your best, Carl. Show it to me!”
“Yes Sir!”
Nag-offer na sya ng shakehand dahil umandar na rin ang bus. Ngunit imbis na tanggapin ko ang kamay nya, niyakap ko sya ng mahigpit. Natawa nalang sya at tinugon nya na rin ang yakap ko. Nagpalakpakan ang mga estudyanteng kapaligid at nakatingin sa amin.
Habang papalayo na ang sinasakyan nya, binuksan nya ang bintana at pahabol syang sumigaw sa akin, “Hey, hindi nga pala tinanggap ang resignation ko!”
“Ha? Talaga?” ang sagot kong patakbong hinahabol ang bus. Hindi ko na rin narinig ang sagot pa nya at nag-gesticulate na lang syang parang ang ibig sabihin ay “Sa pagbalik na lang nya...”
Parang gusto kong maglulundag sa tuwa sa narinig kong pahabol nyang iyon. Itatanong ko pa sana kung bakit pa sya aalis kung hindi naman pala tinanggap ang resignation nya. Pero hinayaan ko nalang at napakalayo na ng bus. Ang mahalaga, hindi pa rin pala sya mawawala sa sunod na pasukan. At sa oras na iyon pa lang hindi ko na napigilan ang excitement an nadarama na makita syang muli, at maipakita sa kanya kung paano ko galingan ang task na ibinigay nya sa akin.
(Itutuloy)
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Idol Ko Si Sir (Part 4)
Pinuntahan ko si Prof Fuentes sa mismo ding araw na galing akong mag-send-off kay Sir James. Dun ko nalaman ang dahilan ng pag-alis nya. Ipinadala pala sya sa isang National Convention sa Maynila at pagkatapos, dideretso na sa isang special training. Mga dalawang buwan din sya dun. Imbis daw kasi na tanggapin ng school president ang resignation nya, binigyan pa sya ng promotion bilang Dean ng Student Affairs ng College.
“Ang tindi talaga ni Sir James! Ambagsik!” sabi ko sa sarili. Dun ko na rin napag-alaman ang assignment ko, “Immersion”.
“What is that, professor?” ang tanong kong parang biglang kumati ang anit ng ulo.
“Mr. James Cruz had contacted a family in the rural area to be your adoptive family. You will stay with them for two months, share family works and routine, eat what they eat, and live like you were a true member of the family. You will be required to make anecdotals or daily journals of your experiences and at the end of your immersion, you need to submit a detailed report, stating the lessons and values learned if any, and an analysis of societal and/or political impact of the lives of the people with whom you were ‘immersed’ with.”
Parang gusto kong matulala sa narining. “Medjo malalim at mahirap. Pero… kayang-kaya ko yan.” ang bulong ko sa sarili.
“And, you are not allowed to bring with you any electronic gadgets, not even your cp which will be of no use anyway because there is no signal in the area. You need only to bring a handful of shirts, jeans, shorts and underwear. You can bring cash but you are not required to use it unless in an emergency situation. The family will take care of your needs. Take note that Mr. James Cruz will be checking with the family whether you have fully complied with the rules. And one thing more, I need you to fill this up, to be signed by your parent or guardian.” Iniabot nya ang isang papel na parang waiver. “Is there any question?”
Magreklamo sana ako ngunit naalala ko ang promise sa sarili. “Ganun ba ka-delikado yang immersion na yan na kailangan pa ng... Ahhhh! Hanggang dito ba naman, pinapahirapan pa rin ako ni Sir? Pero, Kakayanin ko to para sa iyo Sir James, at para na rin sa sarili ko at sa Mom ko” pang-aamo ko sa sarili. “I have no questions, professor.” ang sagot ko nalang.
“Ok, then, good luck, Mr. Miller and tomorrow, you should be here at 7am with the signed waiver; someone will pick you up to drop you to your assignment.”
Kinabukasan, wala pang alas syete nandun na ako sa school, dala-dala ang waiver at ang kakaunting personal na gamit sa isang knapsack base sa instruction sa akin ni Prof Fuentes.
Sinundo nga ako at inihatid sa lugar. May mahigit apat na oras din ang biyahe at dahil sa dumating na kami sa kung saan makitid at mahirap ang daan papasok, naglakad pa kami ng halos dalawang oras. Puro malalaking kahoy, mahahabang damo, kawayan at pataniman ng nyog ang nadadaanan namin. Tumawid din kami ng dalawang maliliit na ilog, at umakyat sa isang matarik na burol. Halos mawalan na ako ng ulirat sa hirap ng paglalakad at dinaanan namin. Hingal-aso ako nung makarating. “Sa wakas...!” sigaw ko sa sarili.
Maaliwalas ang bahay ng adoptive family ko, yari sa kawayan, at ang atip ay nipa. Dahil nasa bukid, halaman at kahoy ang mga nakapaligid, at sa buong lawak na saklaw pa ng paningin ay makikita ang mga puno ng niyog. Napakapresko ng hangin at pakiwari koy napaka-simple ng pamumuhay ng mga tao.
Sinalubong kami ng mag-asawang nasa edad mahigit kwarenta at mga anak nila, “Kumusta, Carl, welcome. Wag kang mahiya sa amin at isipin mong tunay kang bahagi ng pamilya. Tawagin mo akong Tatay Nando, at heto naman si Nanay Narsing mo” ang sabi ni Tatay Nando habang nag-handshake kami at pagkatapos ay si Nanay Narsing naman. “Heto ang mga anak namin – si Anton, 16 ang edad, si Dodong, 14, si Clara, 11, at ang bunso, si Letecia, 9. Yung panaganay namin, si Maritess ay nasa syudad pa, nag-aaral kasi ng kursong Education, at nagsa-summer class para hindi masyadong mabigat ang subjects nya sa darating na semester” pagpapaliwanag ni Tatay Nando habang isa-isa kong kinamayan ang mga adoptive brothers and sisters ko.
Sa nakikita kong anyo nila, naiisip ko kaagad na sanay sila sa mabibigat na trabaho. Madungis at gusgusin ang mga suot, at sunog ang mga balat, naka-paa lang sina Anton at Dodong at mapapansin ang makakapal na kalyo sa kanilang mga paa. Kitang-kita sa mga mukha nila ang galak at paghanga sa postura ko. Siguro dahil sa pananamit, kinis at mestisong balat at tangkad. Kaya pati na rin mga kapitbahay, lalo na mga bata ay naki-usyoso. Akala nila siguro artista ang nakita nila.
“Ah, mga kapitbahay, eto pala si Carl Miller, estudyante ni James. Dito sya titira sa bahay ng mga dalawang buwan at tutulong sa mga gawain” ang pagpapakilala sa akin ni Tatay Nando sa mga kapitbahay.
“Magandang araw po sa inyong lahat” Pag-greet ko sa mga nakapaligid at nag-uusyosong mga kapitbahay.
Sumiksik sa isip ko na itanong kung bakit nila kilala si Sir James. Ngunit di ko nalang itinuloy. “Siguro may contact lang sila dahil sa assignment ko na to” sabi ko an lang sa sarili.
Nung magpaalam na ang guide ko pabalik sa school, pumasok kami ng bahay kung saan naka-hain na ang pananghalian. Pagpasok pa lang ay sala na kaagad kung nasaan nandun na rin ang kusina sa may dulo. Walang mga upuan at lamesa.
Bago kumain, napansin ko ang kakaiba nilang nakasanayan. Sa isang maliit na planggana may tubig at dun sila naghuhgas ng kamay, halos sabay-sabay hanggang sa ang tubig ay magkulay brown na. Para akong nandiri at nagdadalawang-isip kung maghugas din ng kamay dun. Ngunit naalala ko ang instruction ni Prof Fuentes na dapat akong mag-adapt sa kanila. Naisip ko rin na baka ma-offend sila kung di ako maki-sali. Kayat kahit alam kong madumi na ang tubig na hinuhugasan ng kamay ko, pilit kong iwinaksi iyon sa isipan.
Kamayan habang kumakain sa ulam na inihanda – tinolang native na manok, inihaw na isdang matabang, at ginataang gabi. At dahil sa walang lamesa, sa papag kami kumain. Ibang-iba ang lasa ng kanilang luto kesa sa mga pagkaing na-oorder sa restaurant o nakasanayan ko na. Medyo matabang at walang betsin. Dun ko natikman ang talagang tunay at sariwang lasa ng niluluto; walang preservatives, walang artificial flavors, o additives.
“Ansarap pala dito!” sabi ko sa kanila habang kitang kita ko ang sarap na sarap nilang pagsubo.
Nangiti na lang si Tatay Nando.
“Bukas, tayong mga lalaki, alas-kwatro palang, gising na dahil marami pa tayong gagawin” sabi ni Tatay Nando habang kumakain pa kami.
Sa unang gabi ko ay ramdam ko na ang hirap ng pagsubok. Feeling ko nasa ibang mundo ako. Walang koryente, walang TV, walang radyo, walang internet o texts messages man lang, at higit sa lahat, walang sigarilyo. Para akong mababaliw. Naninibago din ang katawan ko sa higaang kawayang sahig na nilalatagan lang ng banig. Mangiyak-ngiyak ako sa hirap.
Naka-idlip lang ako ng bahagya at namalayan ko na lang na gising na ang lahat. Kahit mabigat ang katawan, pinilit kong bumangon at sumama kina tatay Nando sa gawain sa nyogan na pinagkakatiwala sa kanila – sa paghahakot ng nyog, pagbabalat, pagbibiyak, hanggang sa pagpatuyo nito gamit ang pugon. At dahil hindi sanay ang katawan sa ganung klaseng bigat na gawain, sa pakiwari koy hindi matapos-tapos ang trabaho, napakabagal ng oras at napakainit. Nanginig at sumakit ang buo kong katawan, naligo sa pawis, kumirot ang sikmura, at humapdi ang balat. Kinabukasan at sa sunod pang mga araw, ganun pa rin ang routine. Gusto ng bumigay ng katawan ko. Ngunit pinilit ko ang sariling labanan ang mental at physical na epekto nun sa akin. Ginawa ko ang lahat para matuto at maka-adapt sa ganung klaseng pressure.
Sa ilang araw lang, nakabisado ko rin ang routine at takbo ng trabaho. Kahit ang nakakatakot na pag-akyat ng puno ng nyog ay nagawa ko na rin. At hindi naman ako nabigo sa ipinamalas na sipag at determinasyon dahil natuwa sa akin sina Tatay Nando at mga foster brothers ko. Nasaksihan nila kung paano ko sila sinabayan sa trabaho kahit hirap na hirap ako; kung paano ako nag-adapt sa pamumuhay nila. Halos araw-araw, yun ang routine namin. Kung hindi naman, nagbubungkal ng lupang taniman, o nag-aararo, o kaya’y nag-iigib ng tubig-inumin isang kilometro ang layo.
Napag-alaman ko na kung bakit nila pinag-igihang doblehin ang volume ng pagko-copra nung season na iyon. Ito ay dahil kailangan nila ng pantustos ng tuition fee ng panganay nilang anak na si Maritess na nasa college na at ang iba ay pambayad sa utang. Dahil pa nga dito, sinakripisyo na rin nila pansamantala ang pag-aaral nina Anton at Dodong. Kapag nakatapos na si Maritess saka na ulit sila mag-aaral, at susuporta na rin si Maritess sa pag aaral nila kapag siya naman itong makapagtrabaho.
Ngunit dun lubusang naantig ang puso ko nung magkasakit ang bunsong si Letecia at kailangang dalhin sa ospital. Wala silang pambayad at kahit nandun na sa mismong ospital ang bata ay di pa rin maasikaso ng duktor dahil sa walang maipakitang pambayad ang mga magulang. Iyak ng iyak si Nanay Narsing at Tatay Nando at nagmamakaawa sa mga duktor ng hospital. Parang dinurog ang puso ko sa tagpong iyon. Buti nalang nandun ako at may dalang pera at inako ko ang pagbayad. Ayaw sanang tanggapin nina Tatay Nando ang offer ko dahil mahigpit daw ang bilin ni Sir James na wag tatanggap ng pera galing sa akin. Subalit, inisist ko na ako ang bahalang mag explain dahil sa emergency naman ang sitwasyon na iyon.
Abot-langit ang pasasalamat ni Tatay Nando sa akin nung gumaling na si Letecia. “Alam mo, Carl, kalusugan ang puhunan namin sa buhay. Kahit ganito lang kami, masaya na kami wag lang magkasakit ang isa sa amin. At napaka-swerte pa rin namin dahil sa hindi sakitin ang pamilya ko, ngayon lang ito nangyari. Sa hanapbuhay naman, kahit papanu, may lupain kaming tina-trabaho, tinataguyod, at nakakain ng tama. Basta wag lang talagang magkasakit, yun lang ang hiling ko. At malaki rin ang pasasalamat ko dahil biniyayaan kaming mag-asawa ng mga masisipag, mababait, at masunuring mga anak. Sila lang ang maipagmamalaki ko.”
Tumayo ang balahibo ko sa narinig. Hindi ko akalaing sa kabila ng tindi ng kahirapan nila, magawa pa ring magsabi ni Tatay Nandong maswerte sila. Ang nasabi ko nalang sa sarili, “Napaka selfish ko... heto ang isang taong halos magpakamatay na sa hirap at tindi ng trabaho makamit lang ang kapiranggot na pera, anlaki na ng pasasalamat sa klase ng buhay nilang natamo. Ngunit ako, heto, kabaligtaran. Nasa akin na sana ang lahat ngunit hindi ko man lang nakita ang kahalagahan ng mga ito.” At ang isa ring binitiwan nyang salitang tumama sa puso ko ay ang pagka-proud nya sa mga mga anak nya. “Ako kaya? Naging proud din kaya ang Mom ko sa akin sa kabila ng pagiging pasaway ko...?” Hindi ko na napigilang tumulo ang luha.
Sa dalawang buwang pagtira kina Tatay Nando ko na-experience ang masasabing tunay na kahulugan ng buhay, ang pagsisikap, ang magbanat ng buto, ang danasin ang gutom at suungin ang anu mang pisikal na hadlang para lang makakain ng tatlong beses sa isang araw at maitaguyod ang ang mga pangangailangan ng walang ni konting pag-aatubili o hinanaing sa kabila ng lahat ng hirap. Inaamin ko na sa experience na yun, nagbago ang paningin ko sa buhay at sa mga bagay-bagay. Naintindihan ko na ng lubusan ang kahalagahan ng pagsisikap, ang pagsasakripisyo, at ang sarap ng pakiramdam sa kahit maliliit na tagumpay kapag itoy nakamit sa malinis at pinaghirapang paraan, o sa pagharap ng mga pagsubok, at malampasan ang lahat. At naintindihan ko na rin kung bakit sa kabila ng paghihirap ng isang tao ay kaya pa rin nyang humarap sa mundo na puno ng pag-asa at magsabing “napaka-swerte ko pa rin sa buhay...”
Higit sa lahat, naintindihan ko na rin na hindi sa dami ng pera o karangyaan, o bisyo at droga mahahanap ang tunay na kaligayahan.
Tumulo ang luha ko nung araw na makumpleto ko ang task na ibinigay sa akin ni Sir James at kailangan ko nang magpaalam Kina Tatay Nando, Nanay Narsing, Maritess, Anton, Dodong, Clara, at Letecia. Hindi ko lubos maipaliwanag ang nararamdaman. Masakit dahil kahit sa napakaiksing panahon ay naging parte na rin sila ng buhay ko, naging close kami sa isa’t isa, nagsama sa hirap at mga pagsubok at sumuporta sa bawa’t hirap an sinuung. At marami akong natutunan sa kanila na hindi ko natutunan sa loob ng eskwelahan.
Ngunit sa kabilang daku, may saya din sa puso dahil babalikan na ulit ang mundo ko na may malaking pagbabago sa paniniwala at pananaw sa buhay, baon-baon ang mga natutunang magagandang aral.
“Tay, wag po kayong mag-alala, bibisitahin ko po kayo dito. Hindi maaaring hindi ko babalik-balikan ang lugar na to kung saan ko natutunan ang tunay na kahulugan ng buhay” ang paniguro ko kay Tatay Nando bago ko sila inisa-isang akapin.
Tinahak ko muli ang makikitid at matarik na daan pabalik. At sa pagkakataong iyon, hindi ko na nararamdaman pa ang hirap at pagod na naranasan sa unang pagtahak ko doon. Kung tumibay man ang loob at pananalig ko sa buhay, tila ganun din ang katawan ko. Ang paulit-ulit na naglaro sa isipan ay ang mga katagang binitawan ni Sir James sa akin. “Napaka-swerte mo sa buhay, Carl... Count your blessings, be happy, and be a positive contribution to the humankind...”
Sa unang pagkakataon naramdaman ko sa puso ang peace of mind at inner satisfaction. Napakagaan ng pakiramdam. At lalo akong humaga sa kanya. “Tama ka, Sir James, napaka-swerte ko sa buhay... At napaka swerte ko rin na nagkaroon ng isang guro na katulad mo. Promise ko sa iyo na sa paghaharap nating muli, bagong Carl Miller na ang makikita mo; puno ng determinasyon at pagsisikap, puno ng kabuluhan, puno ng pagpapahalaga at pagpursige sa buhay…”
(Itutuloy)
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Idol Ko Si Sir (Part 5)
Nung magkita kami ulit ni Sir James, hindi na sa Conference Room kung hindi sa bago nyang office sa Student Affairs. Nung pumasok ako, nakaupo na sya sa sofa, kagalang-galang ang dating sa suot nyang long sleeves na kulay brown, yellow-and-black tie, slacks, at itim na sapatos, kabaligtaran naman ng sa akin na white t-shirt at faded na maong na may mga butas-butas. Napansin ko rin ang bagong gupit at makintab nyang buhok. Sa loob-loob ko, “Shitttt.... hanep ang dating ni idol!” Umupo ako sa isang upuan sa harap nya, medyo kinakabahan, hindi maipaliwanag ang sobrang saya at excitement. Abot-tenga ang binitiwang ngiti nya sa akin at nang iniabot nya ang kamay, “Wow, ang gara ng office mo James, este, Sir! Iba ka talaga!” ang biro ko at biglang hablot ang kamay nya upang magdikit ang mga katawan namin.
Natawa lang si Sir habang tinugon ang mahigpit kong yakap, halos madikit na ang labi nya sa pisngi ko sa sobrang higpit ng yapos ko sa kanya. Tinapik nya ang likod ko at kinuha na ang report, binasa, umupo ulit sa sofa at tumango-tango. Hindi ko na iniisip pa kung ano man ang grade na ibigay nya sa akin. Ang mahalaga, nagawa ko ng maayos ang task at ibinuhos ko ang best ko. Pero syempre, excited pa rin ako sa magiging comment nya, pinaghirapan ko yata yun.
“I’m impressed! Excellent job, excellent report, excellent presentation, excellent insights!” Ang sabi nya sabay abot ng kamay pag-congratulate sakin.
Para akong lumutang sa ere nung marinig ang comment na yun. “Thank you, Sir! I really put my heart in it.”
“Yeah, and I can feel it still alive and throbbing...” Tumawa sya at tumingin sa akin.
Ngunit natulala na ako at nakatingin na lang sa kanya sa sobrang tuwa. Pakiramdam ko na-hypnotize ako sa sobrang di makapaniwala sa nakitang saya nya sa ginawa ko at sa di maipaliwanag na attraction at excitement sa sobrang pagka-miss sa kanya. “Dati tini-terrorize ako neto pero ngayon, napakabait na sa akin at tinitingala ko na sa sobrang taas ng respeto ko...” ang bulong ng utak ko.
Napansin nya yata na para akong tulala. “Hey, I’m kidding ok? Didn’t you get my joke?” ang pabiro nyang tanong, sabay angat ng palad sa harap ng mukha ko para i-check kunyari kung gumagana ang paningin ko. Natawa na rin ako sa ginawa nyang iyon.
“I know you tried your best, Carl. Nakikita ko sa sunog at puno ng rashes mong balat at mukha, at pagpayat mo” at sabay binitiwan ang malutong na tawa. “And I hope that this won’t just be in the papers, Mr. Miller. I expect to see a different Carl Miller this time – mature, responsible...” Nahinto sya ng bahagya. “Kumusta na pala sina Tatay Anton, Nanay Narsing, Anton, Dodong, Clara, at Letecia?”
“Kilala mo silang lahat?” ang tanung kong naguluhan, di makapaniwalang kabisadong-kabisado nya ang buong pamilya.
“Oo naman. Sila ang umampon sa akin. Nung puslit palang ako at namatay ang mga magulang. Walang kamag-anak ang mga magulang ko dito kaya dahil matalik na kaibigan ng nanay si Nanay Narsing, inampon ako ng pamilya niya. Mabait sila sa akin at itinuturing nila akong tunay na anak. At ngayong nakapagtrabaho na ako, sumusuporta na rin ako kahit papano sa pagpapaaral sa panganay nilang si Maritess. Yan ang kwento ng buhay ko. Lumaki akong mahirap at nagbanat ng buto. Kaya nung malaman ko na anak mayaman ka at spoiled brat at that, na-challenge ako na ipakita sa iyo ang ibang mukha ng buhay na naranasan ko, na naranasan ng marami ngunit hindi mo nakita... para mamulat ka sa kahalagahan ng kung ano man ang meron ka na pinaghirapan pang makamit ng iba. At kung naghirap ka sa dalawang buwan na pananatili mo kina Tatay Nando? Ako, buong buhay – yan ang mundong ginagalawan ko.”
“Ang tindi din pala talaga ng karanasan mo, ano?”
“Oo. At laking pasalamat ko na sa ganung klaseng buhay ako namulat. Dahil dito, naging matatag ang pagkatao ko, ang paninindigan, ang karanasan. Kaya kahit saan ako itapon, mabubuhay ako. At higit sa lahat, sa kanila ko natututunan ang pagpapakumbaba, ang patas na pagsuong sa mga hamon sa buhay, ang sipag at tyaga, ang pagpapahalaga sa trabaho at sakripisyo para makamit ang minimithi... lahat ng iyan utang ko sa kanila.”
“Kaya pala ang galing mo, James. Kaya’t idol talaga kita, sobra! Kahit noon pa mang pinag-iinitan mo ako, idol na kita talaga e. Nainis lang ako sa iyo noon dahil di mo ako pinapansin, hehehe” ang pag-amin kong mejo nahihiya.
“Hahahaha! Sobrang pansin nga kita e kaya kita dinidikdik. Kumbaga, parang isa kang mamahaling gem na kailangang ipolish ng ipolish para lalabas ang buong kinang.”
“Wow naman... lalim! Gem pala ha, ganyan ako ka-especial?”
“Dahil gusto kong mabago ang baluktot mong pananaw at nang sa ganun, pwedi na akong makipag-bonding sa iyo.”
“Hahahaha! Di mo kaagad sinabi. E di sana hindi ka na nahirapan.” sagot kong biro din sa kanya.
“E, at least, naranasan mo kung papanu makagat ng ahas, ang habulin ng putakte, ang pagsisipsipin ng mga lamok at linta ang dugo, ang umakyat ng puno ng nyog, ang gumamit ng itak at lagari, ang mag-araro at magbungkal ng lupa, at higit sa lahat, ang kumain ng tipaklong!”
“Hahahaha!” Sabay kaming nag tawanan. “Maalala ko pala, ba’t di man lang sina Tatay Nando nagbanggit na dun ka pala sa kanila lumaki?”
“Syempre, inexplain ko sa kanila. Alam nila lahat ang buhay mo, at ang kahalagahan ng task na iyon para sa iyo. Alam ko, naawa sila sa iyo ngunit wala silang magawa. Alam din kasi nila na hindi ka matututo kapag ang turing nila sa iyo ay bilang isang espesyal na bisita. Kaya labag man sa kalooban nila, pinabayaan ka talaga nilang magbanat ng buto at maki-hati sa mga trabaho.”
“Ganun ba? Naisahan mo na naman ako James e. Andami mo talagang pakulo. Iba ka talaga, idol! So... flat 1.0 na ba ang grade ko?” biro ko.
Ngumiti sya sabay tingin sa akin. “Di malayo Carl, di malayo...”
At nakamit ko nga ang gradong “1.0” sa subject ni Sir James.
Kagaya ng ipinangako ko sa sarili, ibinuhos ko lahat ng effort at talento sa pag-aaral. Syempre, inspired. At upang mapalapit pa rin kay Sir James na Dean na ng Student Affairs, sumali at naging active ako sa iba’t-ibang college clubs. At ang pinakamalaking karangalan na nakamit ko sa taon na yun ay nung ibinoto ako ng mga estudyante bilang presidente ng student council. Sa buong taon, naging consistent number one din ang pangalan ko sa honor’s list. Kung dati ang bakanteng oras ko ay iginugugol sa barkada at lumalabas halos gabi-gabi at nag-iinum o nakikipag pot session, sa panahon na iyon, mga gawain sa school at pag-paplano ng mga projects an ikabubuti sa mga estudyante at paaralan ang pinagkakaabalahan ko. Pati ang paninigarilyo ay tuluyang tinalikuran ko na rin.
Namangha ang lahat sa ipinamalas kong pagbabago. Naging matindi din ang team-up namin ni Sir James; sya bilang head ng student affairs at ako bilang student leader. Naging mas involved at participative ang mga estudyante sa mga activities at issues, at impressed ang administration sa daming projects na nagawa namin sa school. At lalo pa akong ginanahan sa mga ginagawa dahil sa magagandang feedback at commendations na natanggap. At sa mga kapwa ko estudyante, ako ay kanilang hinahangaan at iniidolo.
Ok na sana ang lahat. Ngunit may isa pa akong issue na hindi masettle-settle at mabigyan ng paraan kung paano ma-resolve: ang nararamdaman ko para kay Sir. Di ko alam kung kaawaan o sisihin ang sarili.
Simula nung mabago nya ang paningin ko sa buhay, humanga na ako ng sobra sa kanya to the point na hindi ko na sya maiwaglit sa isipan. Gabi-gabi o sa panahong ako’y nag-iisa, sya plagi ang laman ng utak ko. At ang nagpapatuliro sa akin ay kung bakit ko nararamdaman sa kanya ang isang bagay na dapat ay nararamdaman ko lang para sa isang babae. Maraming katanungan ang sumiksik sa isipan ko. “Bakit si Sir James pa? Kontento na lang ba ako sa ganito; na kinakalimutan ang sarili? Paano naman ang kaligayahan ko? Kailangan ko bang magsakripisyo at kalimutan ang sarili upang maiwasan ang maaring mangyaring hazzles, madamay si Sir, at masira lahat ang mga magagandang gawain at simulain naming dalawa sa school? Paano kung may nararamdaman din si Sir para sa akin at hindi na lang ako gagawa ng hakbang? At kung halimbawang gagawa man ako ng hakbang para sa nararamdaman ko at ma-frustrate lang, di kaya lalo lang akong masaktan at masira ang tiwala niya at ng mga tao sa akin?”
Oo, nakikita ng mga tao ang ngiti ko sa mga achievements na nakamit at pakikisama ko sa kanila. Ngunit ang hindi nila nakikita ay ang hinagpis at sigaw ng puso ko...
Masakit, at sobrang sakit na sa mga pagkakataong kaming dalawa lang ni Sir ang magsama, magtawanan, o magkwentuhan ng kung anu-anong bagay, ang kalooban koy sumisigaw na sana, mayakap o kaya’y maipadama man lang sa kanya ang damdamin ko.
Minsan, ang ginagawa ko na lang sa mga pagkakataong parang sasabog na ako sa halong pagkalito at lungkot sa gitna ng usapan namin, mag-excuse ako nyan at pupuntang CR. At doon ko ipapalabas ang ngitngit sa sarili.
Marahil ay nagtataka din sya kung bakit may mga pagkakataong bigla nalang akong nalulungkot. At kapag nagtanong nag-aalibi nalang ako masakit ang ulo, sikmura, di maganda ang pakiramdam…
Minsan din may mga oras na gustong-gusto kong mapag-isa. Pupunta nalang ako nyan sa likod ng main school building, uupo sa ilalim ng malaking puno at dun magmumuni-muni na parang gago. “Ganyan talaga siguro kapag na-inlove ka at sa isang ganitong pang klaseng… Ahhhh! Shiiittttt! Ang hirap tanggapin! Nakakabaliw!” ang sigaw ko sa sarili.
Napansin din ng kaibigan kong si Ricky na mayroon akong itinatago kaya’t palagi nya akong niyayayang lumabas. Last day na ng second semester nun nung parang di ko na talaga makayanan at nasumpungan kong sumama sa kanya. Nagbar kami, umurder ng beer.
Mejo nag-init na ang pakiramdam ko nung mag-open si Ricky ng topic. “Tol, buti naman at pinagbigyan mo ako ngayon. Antagal na rin nating di nakapagbonding. Na-miss ko na ang ganito ah!”
“Oo ako nga din eh. Sensya kana. Gusto ko sana kasi ma-maximize ang time ko para sa mga projects...”
“Naintindihan ko naman yun, tol. Pero, mag-enjoy ka naman paminsan-minsan. Remeber, ‘all work and no play makes Carl a dull boy’, hehehe. Bata pa tayo. I-enjoy natin ang buhay.”
“Nag-eenjoy din naman ako sa work ko eh. Kaso...”
“Kaso, ano...?” Mukhang na-excite si Ricky nung di sinadyang nabanggit ko ang salitang ‘kaso...’. “Oh, come on, Carl. Wag kang magkunwari tol, in love ka ano? Sino? Sino ang tangnang swerteng babaeng yan, ha?”
“Yan na nga ang problema tol eh...”
“Putsa, kala ko ba di ka namomroblema sa babae. sa gandang lalaki mong yan? Matalino, mayaman, campus idol, kilabot ng mga chicks, ng mga koleheyala, ng mga guro, ng mga madre, ng mga kung anu-ano pa? Anong pinoprob—“
“Lalaki sya tol.” ang casual kong pagkasabi pag cut sa sinabi nya.
Halos malaglag si Ricky sa inuupuan sa reaksyon nya. “Hah!? Tama ba ang narinig ko, tol na na-inlove ka sa lalake as in capital L-A-L-A-K-E... yung may lawit ng katulad ng sa akin at sa i--”
“Oo. At oo pa.”
Sinampal-sampal ni Ricky ang mukha nya. “Lasing na ba ako, o nakatulog na sa kalasingan? Tol naman... wag mong sabihing sa akin ka na-in love. Kahit ganyan ka kagandang lalaki... sige papatulan na kita” sabay tawa. “Tol, naman, wag kang magbiro ng ganyan please lang.”
“Seryoso nga ako, tol.”
“Shiiiiittttt! Tangina. Seryoso talaga. Ok, fine. Pero bigyan mo naman ako ng panahong mag-isip plis bago kita sagutin... naman o?”
“Tarantado! Hindi sa iyo.” Sabi kong sabay batok sa kanya.
“Raykupo! E, kanino? At bakit? Huhuhuhu! ano ba tong nangyari sa iyo, tangna ka. Sa kadami-dami ng babae jan na nagkandarapa sa iyo. Panu ka ba nagkaganyan, punyeta ka. Huhuhuhuhu!”
“Bago ko sagutin yan, promise ka muna. Una, wag kang mabigla. Pangalawa, atin-atin lang ito. Mai-promise mo ba yan sakin?
“E nabigla na nga ako, e hinayupak ka, ganyan ka pala wala akong kaalam-alam, uhuhuhuhu! Buti di mo ako pinagtripan, leche na iyan, panu ba gamutin yan? Huhuhuhu!”
“Mai-promise mo ba! Yan ang tanong ko! Wag ka ngang mag inarte? Mas ikaw pa ang mukhang bakla jan eh.”
“Ngekkk! At ako pa ngayon? Disgrasya na!”
“Ano mai-promise mo ba? O babatukan kita?”
“Oo na! Sige na, atin-atin lang, promise. Tangina na yan! Uhuhuhuhuhu!”
“Bakit ka ba umiiyak jan, tarantado ka. Sige ka pag nawalan ako ng gana di ko na sasabihin to sa iyo, at iiwanan na kita dito, ikaw pa ang magbayad ng lahat ng inorder nating yan.” ang pasigaw ko ng sabi.
Parang binuhusan ng malamig na tubig si Ricky. “E, sorry tol... di ko kasi alam kung nagbibiro ka lang ba, o talagang seryoso e. Di ko alam kung paniwalaan ang mga sinasabi mo o ano. Di ka naman lasing, di ka naman siguro naka-bato... Seryoso ka ba talaga?” ulit nya.
“Seryoso nga, ano ka ba! E, kung ikaw nga nalilito sa sinabi ko, ako pa kaya...? Nahirapan na ako tol, sobra!” sabi kong sabay hampas sa dibdib.
“Hindi mo ba kayang kontrolin yan? O kaya, ibaling mo na lang sa akin, hehehe, jokes lang pare, pinapatawa lang kita.”
“Kung pwedi nga lang e, bakit hindi. E, kaso... Ewan ko ba, mababaliw na yata ako neto!”
“E, di sabihin mo sa kanya?”
“Ganyan lang ba ka-simple?”
“Alam mo, tol... sa akin lang ha? Pag may gusto akong isang tao o bagay at dumating ang opportunity na pweding i-grab yun, I’d grab that opportunity talaga. Kasi, pag nawala na, o lumampas na ang pagkakataon na yan at hindi ka man lang nag try, buong buhay mong sisisihin ang sarili kung sana sinunggaban mo ang opportunity at ano ang nangyari. Kung ngayon na at susunggaban mo ang chance at sasabihin mo sa tao na mahal mo sya at sasagutin ka nya na ayaw nya o ayaw nya sa iyo, at least, nag-try ka. There’s no harm in trying sabi nga nila. At sabi ko naman sa iyo ngayon na kung mag-exert ka ng effort to try, you have already won 50% of your battle. The other 50% ay yun na yung kung ano man ang maaaring isasagot nya sa iyo.” Ang buong seryosong tugon ni Ricky sa tanong ko.
“You mean OK lang sa iyo na heto, lalaki ako at lalaki rin yung liligawan ko?”
“What’s wrong with that? As long as masaya ka, masaya sya, at wala kayong inaagrabyado o sinasaktang tao... It doesn’t matter. Pero syempre, there is a price to pay, sabi nga nila, lalo na sa pag-ibig. Are you willing to give up something? Halimbawa, can you stand it kung biglang may mga magagalit sa iyo o mag-iba ang tingin sa iyo ng mga tao o kapwa mo estudyante? Or can you accept it if you get suspended or kicked out from the very school which you have learned to love? Can you take it if your mom gets furious with what you have decided to do with your life?”
“Mukhang may punto nga si Ricky.” Ang sabi ko sa sarili. “Thanks tol, kahit papano, meron akong insight galing sa yo.”
“All the time, tol. At kahit ano pa man ang gagawin mo, di mawawala ang respeto ko at saludo pa rin ako sa iyo. Maninindigan ka lang, jan lang ako susuporta sa iyo.” Ang sabi nya sabay extend ng kamay sa fraternal handshake namin at bigay ng hug. “Sandali nga pala... Sino naman yang tangnang lalaking yan? Bubugbugin ko na yan e! Pag nalaman ko kung sino yan ha, heto, dila lang ang walang latay ng taong yan! Sino ba ang lecheng lalaking yan?”
“Si Sir James!”
(Itutuloy)
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Idol Ko Si Sir (part 6)
Natulala si Ricky nung masabi ko ang pangalan ni Sir James. “O, ano, bubugbugin mo na ba?” hamon ko.
“Hah? Indi ah! Ala akong sinasabing ganyan. Ano ka... gusto mong ma-kick out ako sa school? At pareng Carl, ano ka ba naman... Maghanap ka lang ng lalaki sya pa? Kadami-daming lalaki jan sa campus, iba nalang, plis. Kung gusto mo yung sekyu sa main gate, may hitsura yun at sa palagay ko, may crush sa iyo ang tangina dahil kapag pumapasok ka na ng campus, ang lagkit ng tingin sa iyo, e! Kung yun na lang ang pag-tripan mo kaya, makikisimpatiya pa ako, akin yung night shift guard, ehehehehe!
“Gago ka, kahit kailan puro ka katarantaduhan! At akala ko ba sabi mong susunggaban ko pag may opportunity? May pa percent-percent ka pa jan. Ngayon, bubuwelta kana! Atsaka, hindi ako naghahanap ng lalaki, isaksak mo yan sa kokote mo. Para kang di mo ako kilala e!”
“Ok, ok, biro lang po! Pero yung opportunity na sinasabi ko, hindi suicide yun! Magpapakamatay ka na yata eh! Atsaka, nanahimik na yung tao, di ka na pinag-iinitan nun. Wag mo nang buhayin ang nakaraan. Teka...” napahinto sandali si Ricky sabay bitiw ng pilyong ngiti “Di ba nanggagalaiti ka sa galit sa kanya? Uyyyyyy, aminin! Tangna, mukhang kikiligin na ako sa estorya neto ah, ‘the more you hate the more you love’? Yun ba yun? Syeeeeeeeeeeeet!”
“Yun na nga eh. Nagsimula lang naman to nung na-realize ko ang pagkakamali ko at nakita kung paano nya ibinuhos ang oras at attention para lang ako mapatino at kung gaano nya ako binigyang halaga. Nung makita ko ang tatag, ang paninindigan sa kabila ng kung anong hirap ang pinagdaanan nya sa buhay, naaapreciate ko na lahat ng bagay sa kanya. Tangina. Hindi ko na maintindihan ang sarili ko eh! Naaawa, humahanga… at gusto kong nanjan sya palagi sa tabi ko; makita, makausap. Hinahanap-hanap ko na sya, bro!”
“Grabe ka rin ano? Kung makapagsalita ka’y parang babae yang object-of-desire mo, tangina na yan. Hindi kaya ang hinahanap mo lang ay yung sinasabi nilang father-figure? Puslit ka pa kasi nung mamatay ang dad mo, di ba? O kaya’y naghahanap ka ng kapatid, dahil nag-iisa ka lang sa family, o di kaya’y sadyang bakla ka na talaga nung idinuwal ka na ng mommy mo, ehehehehehe!”
“Babatukan na kaya kitang tado ka. Ewan, hindi ko alam.”
Nahinto nalang ako bigla, dala ng tinamaan sa sinabi ni Ricky. “Baka nga siguro... naghahanap lang ako ng father-figure. Simula nung puslit pa lang ako, hinahanap-hanap ko na ang pagmamahal ng isang dad, tinatanong sa sarili kung ano ang feeling kapag ang isang pamilya ay buo at may dad na kalaro, kasama sa pamamasyal, nag-aalaga, nagpo-protekta, nagtuturo ng kung anu-anong bagay, nagbibigay ng advice at guidance sa mga problema...” At muling sumiksik sa isipan ko ang mga sandali na napapaiyak nalang dahil tinutukso sa school, o kaya’y nakikita ang ibang mga batang merong mga daddy na kasama sa pamamasyal. At bumalot na naman ang matinding pangungulila, di namalayang tumulo na pala ang luha ko. Sa hiya, bigla kong tinalikuran si Ricky.
“Hey Bro! Anong nangyari? May nasabi ba akong hindi maganda? Hey! Sama ako, san ka pupunta?!”
“Magpakamatay!” sagot kong pagmamaktol.
“A, ok... Sige, solohin mo nalang” ang biglang pag-urong ni Ricky. Alam niya na pag ganung umaalis na lang akong bigla, gusto kong mapag-isa. Alam ko rin, naguguluhan si Ricky at di makapaniwala sa nalaman nya.
Nagbukas ulit ang school year. Panghuling taon ko na yun sa college at kagaya ng nakaraang taon, pinag-igihan ko ang pag-aaral at mga gawain sa school. Ibinoto pa rin akong student council president at ginalingan ko lalo ang pag-aaral dahil gusto kong makakuha ng honors sa graduation.
Ngunit bumabagabag pa rin sa isipan ang hindi mamatay-matay na naramdaman para kay Sir. Habang tumatagal ito, lalong tumitindi. At kahit masakit, tiniis ko iyon; walang humpay na pagtitiis.
Second semester nung mapagdesisyonan kong gumawa na ng hakbang para dito. At nasumpungan ko ang payo ni Ricky na kapag dumating ang isang pagkakataon, i-grab iyon habang nanjan pa.
“Malapit na kaming maghiwalay ni Sir James. Bago pa man maging huli ang lahat, gagawin ko na ang bagay na to. Malay natin?” ang pag-encourage ko sa sarili.
Sa buong linggo na iyon, pinag-igihan kong maging mas malapit at maging mas sweet pa kay Sir James. Nanjan yung sadyang sasabay talaga ako sa kanya sa pag-uwi at pasakayin sya sa kotse, bibigyan ng kung anu-ano, gaya nalang ng polo shirt o pantalon, mga pocketbooks na paborito nya, souvenir items na binibili ko kung saan-saan, pagkain. At tinatanggap naman nya ang lahat ng ibinigay ko. Hanggang sa nung pinadalhan ko na sya ng mga bulaklak kunyari para sa office nya, kinausap na nya ako tungkol dito.
“Carl, first of all I really, really appreciate your effort and thoughtfulness. I am happy to have seen how you have changed and how you have become the person that everyone looks up to and emulate. As your mentor and friend, I am very proud of you; I mean it. I appreciate all the commendable things that you have done for the studentry and for the school. And there is no doubt that everyone is happy with your performance...”
“So...?” Pag interrupt ko habang nag-iisip sya sa sunod na sasabihin, tila nahirapang i-open ang issue.
“I have just observed that our closeness” pag emphasize nya sa katagang ‘closeness’ “seems to be sending a wrong signal...”
“I don’t get it James, can you go direct to your point?” Ang pag cut ko sa sinabi nya; may halong protesta at pagkainis sa narinig na katagang “wrong signal”.
“Ok... I want to keep a distance.” ang diretsahan na nyang sabi.
“What?!!” Ang nasambit ko sa pagkabigla sa binitiwan nyang salita. “Bakit? Anong nagawa ko?”
“Nothing. I just want it that way, Carl and I hope you will respect that.”
“Sir naman...? Wala naman akong masamang intensyon sa pagbibigay sa iyo ng kung anu-ano ah...”
“Are you sure, Carl?” at tumalikod na patungong pintuan.
Para akong sinuntok sa malaman at matalinghagang sagot na yun ni Sir. “Mukhang natunugan niya ang plano ko...” ang tanong ng utak kong naturete. “Sir, wag naman ganyan. Ano ba ang ginawa kong masama...?” Pahabol kong sigaw habang binubuksan na nya ang pinto palabas ng office. Ngunit hindi na nya ako pinansin.
Simula noon, iniiwasan na ako ni Sir James. Hindi na sya sumasakay sa kotse ko kapag niyaya ko at kapag may ipinabibigay ako sa kanya, ipinababalik nya. Kung pupunta naman ako sa office para i-refer ang mga proposals, iba na ang pakikitungo nya. Kumbaga, purely official business nalang. Hindi na sya nakikipag-usap tungkol sa mga personal na bagay. Sobrang nasaktan ako sa nakitang pagbabago. Kaya isang araw, naisipan ko na lang na gumawa ng sulat at inilagay iyon sa ibabaw ng tray nya.
“Dear Sir James, I am so sorry if I may have bothered you with this letter. But I have no other recourse than to put my thoughts in writing. For the past days, I have observed that you have changed; you are not anymore the professor whom I used to know; the friend who was so accommodating, so thoughtful, and so open with everything; the friend who pays attention even to the senseless things that I say, laughs at my corny jokes, and takes a little of the food that I am about to put into my mouth. You have no idea how this abrupt change has affected me and turned me crazy. Certainly, there must be a reason; a reason that I deserve to know and for which you owe me. Tonight, I will be coming over to your flat. I beg you to please allow me. I need to know what’s going on. Carl Miller.”
Alas 8 ng gabi nung dumating ako sa lugar... Bagong paligo, nilinis at siniguradong mabango ang lahat ng parte ng katawan, at suot-suot ang bagong t-shirt at maong, nakatayo ako sa harap ng gate. Syempre, ibayong kaba ang naramdaman, hindi magkamayaw kung tatanggapin ba nya ang request kong makipag-usap o kusa na lang ba nya akong pagtaguan. Naalala ko ang una kong pag-punta doon.
Halos walang ipinagbago ang kabuuang anyo ng flat ni Sir. Nandun pa rin ang mga matitingkad na pulang bougainvilleas na walang humpay sa pamumulaklak at nagsilbing arko at shade ng gate, ang kulay puting pintura ng mga metal grills, at ang sementong upuan sa gilid nun. “Deja vu?” ang nasambit ko sa sarili at malalim na buntong hininga ang binitiwan.
Hawak-hawak ng kabilang kamay ang isang supot na puno ng setserya at bote ng imported na alak, kumatok ako. Nakailang beses din. Akala ko hindi na ako ulit makakapasok pa sa kwarto na yun nung biglang bumukas ang pintuan. Si Sir James, naka shorts at t-shirt, at halatang bagong paligo. Parang lumundag sa tuwa ang puso ko sa di akalain na paghintay nya sa akin at sa nakitang anyo. Bakat na bakat sa suot nya ang matipunong katawan at ganda ng ipinamalas na ngiti. Ang nasambit ko na lang ay, “Hi James!”
“Hi Carl! Natanggap ko ang note mo so I expected na darating ka. What’s up?” ang sambit nya habang tuluyang binuksan ang pinto at pinapapasok ako.
“Heto, ok lang naman sana but I got some things to clear up...” hindi ko na itinuloy ang sinabi. “Heto pala may dala akong imported wine at pulutan” sabay upo sa sofa.
Tiningnan nya ako. “Sorry but I don’t drink, Carl. Soda drink na lang ang sa akin. Ayokong mangyari ulit yung nangyari dati… Nangyari lang naman iyon dahil you trapped me into doing it, right? Alam mo yun.”
Mejo natigilan ako sa narining. “Ibig sabihin, naalala pa pala nya ang nangyari sa amin...” sabi ko sa sarili na may magkahalong kaba at kiliting naramdman sa pagbukas nya sa issue na yun. “OK, fine... Kinorner kita nun para makainum. At, I’m sorry sa ginawa ko na iyon. I was mean. Pero, alam mo naman na talagang salbahe pa ako nun, diba?” ang pag-amin ko habang inilagay ang wine at mga pulutan sa mesa. “So, ako na lang ang iinum netong dala ko? Isn’t it a little impolite on the part of the host if his guest takes a drink and he’s not joining?” pagparamdam ko.
“Yeah, I think so.” ang mabilis nyang sagot. “But don’t forget that the host can also be polite by showing the door to his guest... Ano, you want me to do it the polite way or the impolite one?”
“Hahahahaha! Ang tindi mo talaga James. Ok, it seems I have no choice.”
Napangiti siya at tumango, “So impolite it is!” Kumuha sya ng isang baso, isang bucket na may ice at inilagay iyon sa mesa. Kumuha din sya ng isang soda drink sa refrigerator, binuksan at habang hawak-hawak, “OK, so ano ba ang napakaimportanteng pag-uusapan natin na kailangan mo pang maglasing?”
Binuksan ko ang bote, nilagyan ng ice ang baso, itinagay ang wine, at pinaikot-ikot ang laman nun saka tinungga. “Ahhhhh, sarap talagang uminom, James, di ka ba nainggit?” sabay lagay ulit ng wine sa baso at ulit, tinungga.
“Hey! Don’t beat around the bush, Carl. I don’t have a day!”
“Wait ka lang, James... sandali lang ha?” at ulit tumungga ako, at tumungga pa. Kitang-kita ko sa mukha ni James ang pagka-asar. Mejo naramdaman kong umiikot na ang paligid nang magsalita na ako. “Pwedi ba, James umupu ka sa tabi ko, please?”
Gusto kong matawa sa request ko sa kanya. Lumakas ang kabog sa dibdib at parang nakikiliti sa naglalarong hindi maganda sa isipan.
Kalmanteng umupo nga si Sir sa tabi ko, malapit pero may konting gap. “Ok, para lang matapos to... Now, go ahead Carl.”
Nag-isip muna ako ng malalim. “Hindi ko alam kung panu sisimulan ngunit ako ay sobrang nasaktan sa pagbabago ng pakikitungo mo sa akin, James. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang nagawa kong mali na kailangan mo akong iwasan. It drives me crazy, James... believe me” ang seryoso at malungkot kong sabi.
“Carl, una sa lahat, hindi kita iniiwasan. Gusto ko lang mag-set ng distance, a certain code, kumbaga. I feel that we have become too close for comfort. Para kasing nasasakal na tayo without even knowing it. Di mo ba napansin ang tingin ng ibang mga estudyante sa ginawa mong pagdidikit sa akin? Hindi lang ako teacher Carl, remember that; I am also an administrator. You should undestand that point. I have a code of ethics to follow; someting that prevents me from being inappropriately and dangerously close to any student – not just you.”
“You mean that our closeness is “inappropriate” or “dangerous”?
“Honestly? Yes. It has become inappropriate. Especially when you sent me those flowers? I felt like a – ugh! – shit.”
“Well then, if it’s the flowers, let go of the flowers. But please James, wag mo akong iwasan. Ibalik natin yung dating closeness natin.”
“Carl, you don’t get me, do you? It’s not about the damn flowers, ok? It’s about sense of propriety and respectability. Don’t you still get it? People are talking about us!” ang pasigaw nyang sabi.
Nagulat ako sa laman ng sinabi nyang iyon. “So, natakot ka sa kung ano man ang sasabihin ng ibang tao kaysa kung ano ang naramdaman ko, ganun ba yun? ang sagot kong pasigaw din.
“Oh I see... I forgot about you. Ok... Bakit, ano nga ba pala ang nararamdaman mo, Mr. Carl Miller? Bakit ba para kang mamamatay na sa maliit na bagay na hiniling ko? Sige nga, sabihin mo!”
Para akong sinampal sa tanong ni James na iyon. Sumisigaw ang isip kung sasabihin na hindi maliit na bagay ang hiniling nya at hindi maliit na bagay ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya. Ngunit nanaig pa rin sa akin ang matinding takot. At akoy napayuko na lang at napahagulgol na parang bata.
Marahil ay dala an rin ng matinding awa, nagulat nalang ako nung yakapin ako ni Sir James na parang may alam sya sa paghihirap ng kalooban ko. Hinaplos nya ang likod ko, ang buhok... Niyakap ko na rin sya, mahigpit na mahigpit... hanggang sa gumapang ang mga kamay ko sa mukha nya. Marahang hinaplos ng mga daliri ko iyon, tinitigan ko sya na ang mga mata ay animoy nakiusap at nagmamakaawa. Hanggang sa unti-unti kong inilalapit ang mga labi ko sa mga labi nya...
(Itutuloy)
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Idol Ko Si Sir (part 7)
Mabilis ang mga pangyayari at naalimpungatan ko na lang na naglapat na ang mga labi namin ni Sir. Hihilahin ko na sana siya pahiga sa sofa nung bigla na lang syang kumalas sa pagkayakap ko at tumayo. “Carl, I have to ask you to leave...” ang tugon nya, habol-habol ang paghinga.
“James, I don’t understand!” sagot kong biglang nanlaki ang mga mata sa pagkalito.
“Just leave Carl, OK?” diin nyang mejo tumaas ang boses.
Parang nag-init ang tenga ko sa narinig at sa naunsyaming halikan. “No, James, unless you give me a really good reason why I should leave. Ano ba ang nangyari sa iyo? Palagi ka nalang ganyang gumagawa ng hakbang na hindi ko maintindihan? Dahil ba sa halik ko? Bakit, di mo ba nagustuhan ang halik ko, ha?” ang pasigaw kong sabi sabay duro sa kanya.
“Wag mong pag-initin ang ulo ko, Carl. I said leave now at baka masaktan pa kita”
“Di saktan mo ako kung gusto mo! Magaling ka naman sa martial arts e, kayang-kaya mo ako!” ang paghamon ko sabay kuha sa bote ng alak at tinungga iyon, at tinungga ulit hanggang sa halos maubos na ang laman nito.
Wala ng magawa pa si Sir kundi ang pagmasdan ako. At para mainis sya lalo, hinubad ko ang t-shirt ko at sumayaw-sayaw sa harap nya. Subalit sa sobrang hilo, naduwal ako na agad naman nyang naagapan at nasalo ang katawan. Pinaupo nya ako sa sofa. Hindi ko na nakayanang tumayo pa at sumuka na lang ako ng sumuka, nagkalat sa carpet at sa sofa. At pati pantalon ko’y nasukahan din. Yun na ang huli kong natandaan.
Mga 9am kinabukasan nung mahimasmasan na ako at magising. Masakit ang ulo, mahapdi ang sikmura, at tila disoriented. “Kaninong kwarto ba to? Bakit ako nandito?” ang tanong ng utak ko. Kinapa ko ang katawan, wala akong suot na damit pang-itaas. Naka shorts pero di ko alam kung kanino. Pilit kong ni-recall ang mga pangyayari hanggang sa naalala ko ang pag-inum, ang pagsasayaw, at ang pagsuka. Bumangon ako at paika-ikang lumakad patungong kusina. Sumalubong kaagad sa pang amoy ko inihandang almusal ni Sir James, nakalatag sa mesa ang fried rice, hotdog, scrambled egg at daing. “Hmmm, ang sarap!” sabi ko sa sarili. Dumeretso na ako sa may wash basin para maghilamos at pagkatapos ay umupo na sa may hapag kainan kaharap ni Sir james na nakaupo na rin at naghintay na lang sa akin.
“Morning Carl! Coffee or milk?” ang tanong niya na nakahanda ang mga kamay na ipasa sa akin ang kung ano man ang pipiliin ko.
“Morning James, coffee please...!” ang maiksi kong tugon at bitiw ng napakagandang ngiti. “Hmmm, ang sarap ng daing! Na-miss ko tong ganito kina Tatay Nando ah!” sabay tanggap sa kapeng ipinasa nya.
“Hahaha! Yeah, sa kanila nga galing yan, dala ni Maritess. Kumusta ka na at kumusta ang tulog mo?”
“Mejo masakit pa ang ulo pero inspired...” Di ko na dinugtungan pa ang sinabi. Nag-uumapaw pa kasi sa isipan ang sarap na nararamdaman bunga ng paghalik ko sa kanya nung nakaraang gabi. Pero sa loob-loob ko, gusto kong magtanong sya kung bakit ako ‘inspired’. “Ganda ng tulog ko, grabe! Wala akong matatandaan kahit na ano. For the first time in my life iyon pa siguro ang tulog kong dire-diretso... Pasensya kana pala sa akin kagabi ha? Ang naalala ko sumasayaw ako tapos yun na, deretso nang bumagsak at nagkalat.”
“Hahaha! Oo nga, lasing na lasing ka. Paanu ba naman, inubos mong mag-isa ang buong bote ng alak.”
Mejo na-disappoint ako ng di sya mag-follow up kung bakit ako inspired. “Ok, fiine” bulong ko sa sarili. “Sorry talaga James, pasensya na... Oo nga pala, sa kama mo ako natulog ah. Ikaw, san ka natulog?” ang tanong ko’ng na-excite sa possibility na nagtabi kami.
“Sa kama ko, syempre. Anlaki nyan eh, kahit isang buong pamilya pa ang hihiga jan, walang problema...”
“Talaga?”
“Talaga!”
“I mean talagang jan tayong dalawa natulog?”
“Oo nagtabi tayo. Bakit may problema ba?”
“Hehehe! Wala naman. E yung pagpalit ng shorts ko, panu mo ginawa?”
“Kakatuwa naman yung mga tanong mo. E di syempre, hinubad ko yung jeans mo. Pinunasan ko pa nga ang buong katawan mo ng hot towel dahil para kahit papanu makakatulong iyon para mawala ang pagkalasing mo?”
“Talaga? Ginawa mo yun? Ahhh, kakahiya!” ang sabi kong kunyari hiyang-hiya, di nagpapahalata na parang malaglag na ang puso sa sobrang galak. “E... di naka-brief lang ako nung pinunasan mo?
“Oo, yeah... yeah” tumango-tango sya, naka-concentrate lang sa pagkain.
“Kakahiya talaga! Shiiiit! E... yung anu ko, hindi naman nagwala?”
“Anong ‘ano’?”
“Hmmmm, kunyari pa to!” bulong ng utak ko. “Yung ano, ito... junior ko” turo ko sa harapan ko, mejo kinilig.
“Ah, hahaha! E... di ko na matandaan eh. Wala naman akong malisya jan, pareho naman tayong may ganyan...”
“Panis! Panis talaga!” sabi ko sa sarili. “E, bakit mo naman naisipang punasan ang katawan ko?”
“Wala akong choice e. nandito ka sa poder ko I have to do what is necessary. Kahit kanino, gagawin ko iyon. Pero so far, ikaw pa lang naman ang may malakas ang loob na uminom dito sa flat ko ng walang pakundangan kung kaya pa ba ng katawan o hindi.” sabay iling at bitiw ng ngiting nang-aasar. “Teka, bakit ganyan ang linya ng mga tanong mo?” dugtong nya.
“Wala lang... nahiya lang ako sa iyo, e. Baka isipin mong bumalik na naman ang pagka-bad boy ko.” palusot ko.
“Don’t worry, I understand...”
“Thanks James. Ambait mo talaga. Teka... nung magtabi tayo sa pagtulog, wala ba akong ginawa, o ginalaw?”
“Wala naman, good boy ka. Kaso, nagsasalita ka habang tulog.”
“Talaga? May naiintindihan kaba”
“Hindi masyado pero yung ‘i love you’ lang. Sino ba yang love interest na yan?”
Feeling ko humigpit ang balat ng mukha ko sa tanong niya. “A, e...” Di ko itinuloy ang sasabihin. Tinitigan ko lang si Sir James.
“Ummm, ano? Bat ganyan ka kung makatitig?”
“Wala lang...” Sandaling nag-isip kung itutuloy bang sabihin ang nilalaman ng kalooban. “A, e... James, pwedi ba akong magsabi sa yo kahit na ano?” ang kagat-labi kong tanong.
“Syempre naman, ikaw pa. Kahit nag-set na ako ng ‘distance rule’ para sa iyo, subalit dahil nandito ka na sa bahay ko, i- suspend ko muna iyan, wala akong magawa. At lubos-lubusin mo na dahil sa susunod, baka hindi na kita payagan pang pumunta dito na nag-iisa, alam mo na ang ibig kong sabihin...”
“Pero promise hindi ka magalit sa maaaring itanong ko?”
“Try me.”
Huminga ako ng malalim. “James... yung nagsasalita ako habang tulog?
“Yes?” sabay subo nya ng pagkain, pinagmasdang maigi ang mukha ko, tila inip na inip at excited sa susunod na bitiwan kong salita.
“Para sa iyo yung ‘I love you’!”
Nabilaukan bigla si Sir, napaubo at kumuha ng tubig habang ramdam ko naman ang pamumula ng mukha ko sa sobrang hiya at di maintindihang bilis na pagkabog ng dibdib.
“Carl, wag kang magbiro ng ganyan, ok?”
“Totoo yan, James. Since last year ko pa nadama sa iyo to, nung simulang magbati tayo at narealize ko ang lahat ng mga pagkakamali ko. Tiniis ko lang, James. Isang taon akong nagtiis. Kaso, hindi ko na talaga makayanan e. Kung napapansin mo minsan kapag nag-usap tayo, malungkot ako. Ikaw palagi ang nasa isip ko, James. Maniwala ka, di ako gumagawa ng gimmik. Di ako nagbibiro. Di ako lasing o naka-droga. Di ko maintindihan ang sarili kung bakit ako nagkaganito. Litong-lito talaga ako, James. Kaya sensya nang nasabi ko to, di ko na talaga kayang itago pa.”
Napailing si James, nag-isip. Di malaman kung matawa o seseryosohin ang narinig. Tinitigan nya ako. “Ok, granting na maniwala ako sa sinabi mo, ano ngayon ang gusto mong mangyari?”
“Yun lang... ang malaman mo kung ano ang naramdaman ko para sa iyo, at ang malaman ko din kung may naramdaman ka sa puso mo para sa akin. Yun lang.”
Natahimik sya ng saglit tila nag-isip kung ano ang isasagot. “Alam mo Carl, hindi issue dito kung may naramdaman ako para sa iyo o wala. Ang issue dito ay kung tama ba o mali – ako, bilang guro at part ng administration ng school at ikaw, bilang estudyante. And in my prudent judgment, that is wrong Carl.”
Tila binuhusan ako ng malamig na tubig at biglang nanlumo. “Ok James, nandun na ako, it’s wrong if you say so, based on some code of something, whatever. But just this question... may naramdaman ka ba para sa akin? Sugutin mo ako, James... and look at me, please?”
Yumuko lang si James, walang binitiwang salita. Dahil dito, nagduda ako na meron din syang naramdaman para sa akin at sadyang itinatago lang nya dahil sa position nya sa school. At ito ang nagpalakas ng loob kong i-convince sya at pakawalan iyon.
“James, I don’t believe in right or wrong sa pag-ibig. Ito’y walang kinikilalang code of conduct, walang rules. Kaya nga hindi mo pweding husgahan ang pag-ibig kung tama o mali ito e, di ba? Ito nga, hindi ko alam kung bakit bigla nalang akong nagkaganito. Can you blame me? Can you say I am stupid? Can I say God is stupid too because he gives me this feeling? But I feel it James. I don’t know why, but that’s the truth and it hurts, and it’s killing me. I can’t deny it, I can’t ignore it, I can’t suppress it. It just came up from nowhere, and that’s it. I know James na sa ginawa kong ito, there is a huge price to pay. But I am willing to give up everything, James – everything, maipaglaban ko lang ang nararamdaman ko para sa iyo!”
“Hindi ko talaga alam, Carl kung matawa o anu. But ok, you are correct in saying that we can’t judge feelings. Feelings per se are amoral. You can’t say if it’s right or wrong, or if it is good or bad. It’s part of being human. But what you do about your feelings makes the difference. If you kill because of love, then that is wrong. If you shoot down a teacher just because you love him, that is selfishness... and it’s not right, is it Carl?”
“So... you mean to say that you have feelings for me too, right, James? And the reason why you don’t want to open it up is because you are bound by your stupid code of ethics, your rules, your professional etiquette or morality standard whatever; because if I ‘shoot you down’ as you said, I am selfish, and that is wrong, am I right, James? Tell me... tell me James!” ang sabi kong pasigaw sa kanya.
Mukhang napikon si Sir sa sinabi ko. “I think you are missing something here Carl and I don’t think this discussion is gonna end up somewhere. I suggest we continue our breakfast and talk things over later, ok?”
“O yeah, now I’m missing something, ha? Hindi naman ako nakikipag-argumento James e. I just asked a simple question and all I need is a simple yes or no. Do you love me? That’s my simple question. Why is it so hard for you to answer that?”
“Babalik na naman ba tayo? I answered you already. And my answer was – and I will say it again – ‘that is not the issue’! Why is it so hard for you to understand? OK, ganito na lang, di ba in two-week’s time ay graduation na? The night before the graduation, I can invite you over. Bale treat ko yan sa iyo because I know that you are a candidate for the top honors. After all, it’s the end of the school year, and maybe we can have a nice, clean bonding before you leave the College and the people you’ve met here. What do you say?”
Kahit bitin na bitin pa ako sa walang kalatoy-latoy na sagot nya, pumayag na rin ako. At least, pumayag sya na mauulit muli ang pagtatagpo namin sa flat nya. “Baka sa pagkakataong iyon, mapilitan na talaga syang sabihin sa akin ang nararamdaman nya o kaya’y bibigay na din syang kusa” bulong ko sa sarili. “Do I have any choice?” ang sagot ko nalang sa tanong nya.
Dumating ang takdang araw, ang araw bago mag graduation at kung kailan kami muling mag-usap ni Sir. Di ko lubos mailarawan ang tunay na naramdaman. Masaya dahil sa wakas, ga-graduate na. At hindi lang basta gagraduate, may honors pang makamit at malamang may mga leadership awards din. Ngunit sa kabila ng lahat, hindi ko maitatwa ang lungkot ding nadarama. Masakit isipin na bilang na lang ang mga araw ko sa campus. Hindi pa ako handang baguhin ang mga routines na nakasanayan, ang mawalay sa pananaw ang mga lugar sa school na palaging pinupuntahan, ang iwanan ang mundong naging bahagi na ng aking buhay. Sa likod ng utak ko ay sumiksik din ang takot ng pagharap sa bukas, ang pagtahak sa landas kung saan ay susuungin ang mga panibagong hamon. Pakiwari koy kulang pa ako sa kakayahang harapin ang mga ito. O baka nga lang siguro, dahil ayaw pa ng kaloobang tanggapin ang pagbabago, ang mawalay sa mga taong natutunan kong mahalin sa tatlong taon kong pag-aaral at pagsisikap sa lugar na iyon, ang mga masasayang alaala, at lalo na ang taong syang nagpapabago ng pananaw ko sa buhay, iniidolo, at sa kalaunan ay minahal – si Sir James. Sumiksik muli sa isipan ang mga nagdaang araw kung saan minamaliit ko pa ang eskwelahan at mga tao doon, ang matinding galit ko kay Sir hanggang sa naituwid nya ang baluktot kong pananaw at tuluyang hindi na sya maiwaksi-waksi sa isipan. Nagsusumigaw ang puso na sana maibalik pa ang panahong iyon o kayay mahabaan pa ang mga araw. Ngunit wala akong magawa kundi ang tanggapin ang masakit na katotohan na kinabukasan o sa makalawa ay ibang klaseng mundo na ang tatahakin ko...
Maaga akong nag-report sa school sa araw na iyon. Palibhasa, may final rehearsals sa graduation at syempre, nakaukit na sa isipan ang pagkikita namin ni Sir James sa gabi ding iyon. Kahit papano, may excitement din akong nadama.
Nasa gate pa lang ako ng campus nung may tumapik sa balikat ko. Si Ricky. At sadya palang hinintay ako para tanungin kong may alam na ba ako sa isang video clip na tinagurian nilang “mother of all scandals” na umiikot sa campus simula pa nung isang araw.
“Asus... pati ba naman ikaw e, nakikisawsaw sa mga intriga na yan? Kadami-daming may mga video clips jan e. At napakadami na ring scandal dito sa campus na to. Yung iba jan gawa-gawa na lang para may mapag-usapan.”
“Bro, iba to, maniwala ka, magkakainteres ka dito, sigurado ako”
At bakit mo naman nasabi yan, aber?”
“Dahil ang taong involved dito ay malapit sa puso mo.”
“Ha? Sino?” Ramdam ko ang biglang paglakas ng kabog ng dibdib.
“Si Sir James!”
(Itutuloy)
------------------------------
Idol Ko Si Sir (part 8)
Matinding kaba nag naramdaman ko nung marinig sa bibig ni Ricky ang pangalan ni Sir James na syang sentro ng tinaguriang “mother of all scandals”.
“Hah! Panu nangyari yun? At anong ginawa nya? Sinong kasama nya?” ang taranta kong tanung kay Ricky.
“Hinay-hinay lang, pareng Carl. Kaw naman masyado kang excited. Heto, naka-kuha ako ng copy, mejo mainit-init pa. Dun tayo sa may likod ng campus at panuorin natin.”
Nung pini-play na ni Ricky ang video, si Sir James nga ang nandun. Sa bibig nya ay naglabas-masok ang ari ng isang lalaki, ang isang kamay nung lalaki pwersahang dumidiin sa ulo ni Sir James na kaitang-kita ang kalasingan. Pawang ibabang parte lang ng katawan nung lalaki ang nakikita sa video. Halos di ako makapaniwala sa nasaksihan. Yun din ang video clip na gagamitin ko sanang pang-blackmail kay Sir James.
“Shiiiittttt! Paano nangyaring nakalusot yun? Arrrggggghhh!” ang sigaw ng utak kong halos sasabog na sa naghalong inis, matinding takot at pagkalito.
“O, di ba si Sir James yan, klarong-klaro!” Napansin ni Ricky na mejo hindi ako mapakali. “Sandali, bakit para kang namumutla ha, Carl? May alam ka ba dito?”
“Wala ah! E, ngayon ko nga lang nakita yan e. Parang di naman si Sir yan!” Ang tangka ko sanang pagdepensa kay Sir, at pag-iwas na rin sa tanong nya.
“Ano ka? Kahit pagbalik-baliktarin mo pa yan, mukha talaga ni Sir James yan, walang duda. Kahit sino ang tatanungin mo, si Sir James yan. Ano, gusto mong itanong natin sa iba pang kaklase?”
“Wag na! Wag na!” ang mabilis kong tugon dala ng sobrang pagkatakot. “E, yang lalaki, sino naman daw?”
“Eh, maputi e. Ang iniisip ng lahat ay baka ito daw yung dating tsinitsismis nilang na-link kay Sir James, yung dating nagturo din dito na mestiso Chinese, Henry ang pangalan? O, ano, love mo pa rin ba yan?”
Agad-agad akong tumalikod upang bumalik sa apartment. Nagtaka si Ricky sa bigla kong pag-alis. Marahil inisip nya din na nasaktan lang ako. “Saan ka pupunta? May rehearsals pa tayo. Hoy, lalaki lang yan! Tangna… Carl! Magpapakamatay ka na naman ba?” ang may halong pang iinis na sigaw ni Ricky.
“Hindi. May papatayin akong tao!” sagot kung di malaman kung ano ang gagawin.
Biglang bawi naman si Ricky. “Ah… hindi ako yun. Biro lang yung sa akin, hehe. Ga graduate pa ako bukas no! Sige, good luck! Patayin mo sya ng maayos ha?”
Bumalik ako sa apartment at hinanap ang memory card kung saan natandaan kong naka store yung video clip na nalimutan ko na sa tagal at hindi ko rin pala nabura. Ang alam ko, nakasaksak iyon sa luma kong cp. Nung tingnan ko ang cp wala na doon ang memory card. Naalala kong huling pinaayos yung lumang cp na iyon at malamang na tinanggal yung memory card at nalimutang ibalik. At nung mapansing may lamang scandal material, kinopya na at ibinenta sa mga intrigerong gutom sa tsismis.
Bigla akong nanlumo, pinagpapawisan at pakiwari koy umiikot ang paligid sa sobrang inis at galit sa sariling kapalpakan habang awa at pagkahabag naman ang nadarama para kay Sir James. Iniisip kong puntahan ang shop at kumprontahin ang may-ari subalit nangibabaw ang takot na baka lalong lalaki ang issue at mapagdudahan nilang ako ang lalaking nasa video. “Malamang di na nila natatandaan kung sino ang may ari nung memory card na iyon dahil sa tagal na nun” sa isip isip ko lang.
Agad akong bumalik ng campus at hinanap si Sir James. Ngunit hindi pa raw nakapagreport sa office sa araw na iyon. Tinanong ko na rin pati ang gwardiya at lahat sila nagsabi na hindi pa raw pumasok ng school si Sir James.
Pinuntahan ko ang flat nya. Kumatok ako at nabigla nung nandun lang pala sya, naka t-shirt at shorts, nagligpit ng mga gamit na para bang aalis na at sa tingin koy wala nang balak magreport pa sa work.
“James... ba’t hindi ka pumasok?”
Binitiwan lang nya ang isang pilit na ngiti, “Tinanggal na ako sa work, Carl. Kahapon ko natanggap ang notice at ang effectivity ay ngayon. At siguro naman ay alam mo na rin ang dahilan.”
Nanginginig ako sa magkahalong sobrang pagkadismaya at awa sa kanya sa narinig. “Oo alam ko yung sa tape. At bakit ang bilis naman nilang maghusga? Ni hindi man lang nila pinatapos ang closing ng school period o graduation man lang? It’s unfair!” sigaw kong pagrerebelde sa naging decision ng school.
“Wala tayong magawa, Carl, ganyan sila kahigpit...” Napahinto si Sir James na parang pigil ang sariling ilabas ang naramdaman. “Pero, ok lang. I have accepted it dahil totoo naman eh. Yesterday I was invited by the school director to her office and she asked me just one question – whether it was me in the video or not.”
“And you admitted it?”
“Yes, Carl... yes.” Ang mapagkumbaba at walang pagdadalawang isip na sagot nya.
“Di ba walang due process ang daliang pagtanggal nila sa iyo?”
“Mabuti na rin ang ganun, Carl. Prolonging the process could be tormenting; investigations will be made and things could get out of hand.” Tumingin sya sa kain “At pati ikaw, madamay. I believe that the management did a good job in addressing the case. They acted swiftly, I was spared from extreme embarrassment and the agony of facing a series of panel interrogations, and the school was spared too from being dragged down further into the mud. Kumbaga, they cut, and cut it clean.”
“Hindi ka man lang at least nag explain sa side mo?”
“What for...? And besides, there’s nothing to explain, Carl. I accepted responsibility and that’s it. May ginawa o nagawa akong mali, hindi ko itinatwa yun and I acknowledged my mistakes. Masakit, pero you reap what you sow, diba? Sabi ng iba, it’s karma. And I believe it. I deserve the punishment. At harapin ko ang punishment na iyan ng buong tapang dahil it’s what makes me a man. At dapat kong paninindigan ang pagharap sa consequence. Importante yun para sa akin. Kapag ang isang tao ay walang paninidigan, o kayay tinatakbuhan ang responsibility sa mga maling nagawa, balewala na rin ang pagkatao nya. Gaano man ka hirap o kasakit ang punishment sa ngawang pagkakamali basta pinanindigan ang pagharap nito, buo pa rin ang pagkatao ng isang tao at hindi mawawala ang respeto nya sa sarili at ng ibang tao sa kanya. It hurts, of course and it requires a great amount of courage and fortitude but ganun talaga, ‘truth sometimes hurts’. Magpakalalaki ka lang. And for me, I would rather look at the bright side. And it’s that the truth will set me free. At least nabayaran ko na ang pagkakasala ko at maluwag ang kalooban. At...” sabay hawak nya ng balikat ko “kagaya mo, isasara ko na rin ang kabanata ng buhay ko sa school na to, babangon muli, at bubuksan ang panibagong yugto ng hamon at pagsubok.”
Malalim ang mga katagang binitiwan ni Sir James. At nararamdaman ko rin ang iba pa nyang saloobin lalo na sa sinabi nyang panibagong hamon dahil sa nasa ganung sitwasyon din ako at ganun ang nadarama. Ang kaibahan lang siguro sa akin ay ang haharap ako sa panibagong pagsubok na puno ng pag aalinlangan at takot. Lalo akong humanga sa ipinamalas na tapang ni Sir James at sa paninindigan nya. Ang pagdepensa at pag protekta nya sa akin at ang positibo nyang pananaw sa kabila ng matinding daguk na kinakaharap.
“Napakabuti niya. Hanggang sa huli, kapakanan pa rin ng ibang tao ang iniisip. Ako kaya... kaya ko kayang pantayan ang paninidigan nya; ang tanggapin ang pagkakamali at harapin ang kaakibat na ‘punishment’? Paanu ko kaya maramdaman ang sinasabi nyang ‘the truth will set you free’?” Ito ang matinding mga katanungang nagpaantig sa puso at isipan ko.
Hindi ko na magawa pang magsalita. Nilapitan ko si Sir James, niyakap ng mahigpit at humagulgol na parang bata. “James, patawarin mo ako, patawarin mo ako. Hindi ko alam kung paano ako makaganti sa kabutihan mo. Utang ko sa iyo ang lahat. Sa kabila ng mga kapalpakan ko, heto, ni hindi ka man lang nagpakita ng galit sa akin at bagkus, ikaw pa itong nagdurusa sa mga kasalanan ko.”
Hinaplos nya ang balikat ko. “Alam ko namang di mo sinadyang ikalat yung video clip e. Kaya walang dahilan para magalit ako sa iyo. Don’t cry over spilled milk; wala na tayong magagawa sa mga nangyari na. Ang magandang gawin na lang natin is to learn from this experience. Ang mga kamalian at sakit na dulot nun ay dapat kalimutan ngunit palaging tandaan ang mga naging leksyon nito sa buhay. Dahil jan sa mga pagkakamali natin tayo natututo, naging matatag. Higit sa lahat, naniwala ako na ang lahat ng mga pangyayari ay may dahilan...”
Tinitigan ko si Sir James. Binitawan nya ang isang ngiting animoy nang-aamo at bakas sa mukha ang katatagan, paninindigan at katapangan.
“Go Carl, hinihintay ka na sa rehearsals. Tomorrow is your big day. Enjoy it and make everyone proud of you. Kahit hindi ako makapunta, isipin mo palagi na ang mga ginagawa ko ay para sa iyo. And I am so proud of what you have achieved and made of yourself. Wag mo akong intindihin. Maaring naharap ako ngayong sa matinding pagsubok, ngunit tatayo ulit ako, mas determinado, mas matatag, at mas handang humarap sa mas malalaki pang pagsubok.”
Hinalikan ko ang isang pisngi ni Sir at dali-dali na akong bumalik ng school, mabigat ang damdamin ngunit baon-baon ang malalalim na aral na natututunan mula sa kanya.
Hindi na natuloy ang takda sana naming pagkikita ni Sir James sa gabi ng araw na iyon. Pinayuhan nya ako na mas makakabuti iyon para wag akong madamay at wag nang lalala pa ang issue lalo na kapag may nakakakitang pumunta ako sa flat nya. Kahit masakit sa kalooban at ang isip ay nag alinlangan, sinunod ko rin ang payo nya kahit sa kabila ng katotohanang maaring yun na ang huli naming pagkikita. Napag alaman ko na sa araw ng graduation ay aalis sya, hindi sinabi kung saan. Sa gabing iyon, hindi ako makatulog at si Sir James lang ang laman ng isip. Parang kumakawala ang puso ko at sumisigaw na puntahan sya at damayan. Ngunit nanaig din ang takot na baka hindi makatulong ang pagsuway ko sa payo nya, at lalong malagay kaming dalawa sa alanganin.
“Ano na kaya ang ginagawa nya ngayon? Paano kaya ako makabawi sa lahat ng ginawa nyang kabutihan? Kailan kaya kami magkikita muli?” Ito ang mga katanungang bumabagabag sa isipan.
Araw ng graduation, perfect ang lahat – program, set-up ng lugar, stage decorations at ang mga bulaklak na nagsilbing palamuti, backdrop, coordinations ng mga taong naka-assign sa iba’t-ibang kumite, atbp. Nandun din ang lahat ng mga teachers. Well, halos lahat. Sumipot lahat ang mga guests, ang mga madre sa congregation na may hawak ng school. Higit sa lahat, full force ang mga ga-graduate sampu ng kanilang mga magulang. Ramdam ko ang saya sa puso nilang lahat. At sigurado ako, proud na proud sila, pati na rin ang mga magulang nila.
Ngunit sa lahat gumraduate, ako ang pinakaproud, at ang mom ko ang pinaka-proud na magulang sa lahat. Nalala ko na simula pa nung bata, wala akong natatandaang achievement sa school kung hindi ang puro pagpapahirap sa kanya, pagpupunta nya sa guidance coucilor o sa principal dahil sa pambubugbog ko sa kaklase o sa iba’t-ibang mga kalokohang ginagawa. Alam ko, abot-langit ang kagalakang nadama ng mom ko sa sandaling iyon. Sa unang pagkakataon sa buhay ko, nun ko lang sya nabigyan ng karangalan, at sulit naman. At dama ko yun sa mga nakakabinging palakpakan ng mga tao sa pagtawag na ng aking pangalan, “Mr. Carl Miller, Summa Cum Laude!” At paulit-ulit ko pang tinamasa yun sa pabalik-balik kong pag akyat ng stage upang tanggapin ang iba’t-iba pang awards. Pakiramdam ko, ako lang ang nag-iisang gumraduate dahil ang lahat ng atensyon ay nakatutok sa akin.
Nung magbigay ako ng speech, sinabi ko kung ano ang naramdaman sa mga sandaling iyon at ano ang mga dapat pang gawin naming mga graduates pagkatapos matanggap ang mga diploma. Binigyang inspirasyon ko silang lahat sa pag emphasize sa mga katagang “katatagan” “determinasyon” at mga “hamon” sa buhay.
Sa kalagitnaan ng speech, hindi ko maatim na hindi lingunin ang isang upuang nabakante sa side ng mga administrators. Napahinto ako sandali at tila isang sibat ang tumama sa puso nung bigla na lang nag-flash sa isipan ang nang-aamung ngiting huli kong nakita sa mukha ni Sir James. At ang nasambit na lang ng isip ko, “Sir, para sa iyo ang lahat ng ito; kung hindi dahil sa iyo, wala sana ako ngayon dito.” Naalala ko ang kabaitan nya, at ang paghihirap sa kaparusahang dapat ay ako ang umako at magdusa. Habang tinatamasa ko ang tagumapay, matinding dagok naman ang kanyang pinagdusahan.
Pilit kong nilabanan ang pagdaloy ng luha. Nag-crack ang boses ko habang ipinagpatuloy ang speech. Ang buong akala ng lahat ay nadala ako sa sobrang kaligayahan sa nakamit na tagumpay. Nung matapos na ang talumpati ko, nakakabingi ang palakpak ng mga tao.
Nakababa na ako ng dalawang baitang sa hagdanan ng stage pabalik na sana ng upuan nung tila hinila ako ng mga sariling paa upang bumalik ulit sa podium. Nagtaka ang lahat sa bigla kong pagharap muli sa mikropono.
“A...” Ang nasambit ko lang, di malaman kung panu simulan habang ramdam ko ang malakas na kabog ng dibdib, nag-aatubili kung itutuloy pa ang pagsasalita o hindi na lang, lalo na nung makita ang audience na dahil sa hindi inaasahang pagbalik sa podium, lahat sila ay nakatutok, excited sa kung ano man yung importante ko pang sabihin.
Nakakabingi ang katahimikan. Sumiksik sa isipan ko ang mga katagang binitiwan ni sir James, “Kapag ang isang tao ay walang panindigan, o kaya’y tinatakbuhan ang responsibility sa maling nagawa, balewala na rin ang pagkatao nya.”
“I just would like to add a few words. I haven’t prepared this one but something in my heart tells me that I must share this...”
Huminto ako ng sandali, nag-isip kung ano ang isusunod.
“Everyone knows that I came from the big city. I grew up there and was used to the ways of hustles and bustles. Since I can remember, I have always been a huge headache to my mom and to everyone in every school I enrolled in. I was stubborn and stupid and carefree and misbehaved. I was hooked in cigarettes, alcohol, and drugs. I experienced getting jailed and kicked out from school several times... I was practically a lost person. Because of that, Mom decided to transfer me here, ‘for a change’ she said, although at the backseat of my mind I knew that it was for something else. And this something else was to change me for the better. This change I called ‘rehabilitation.’”
Tawanan ang audience sa term na ginamit ko, at yung iba ay napatingin sa mom ko na natawa na rin.
“From the very first day of my stay in this school, I never really believed that there was any difference; and neither did I believe that the nuns or any teacher in this school could deliver the ‘change’ that my mom wanted in me. In fact, when I saw the idyllic campus for the first time, my mind screamed that the place was so good I could organize a gangster or some kind of a mafia with me as the boss and the nuns as the mafiosos.”
Tawanan, palakpakan ang lahat.
“You can just imagine how hopeless my case was. I believed that everything in this world has its corresponding price; money that is, just like the shoes that are being displayed in supermarket stalls. And every single one of us has our own asking price too, just waiting to be named. So whatever Carl wants, Carl gets. At least, that’s how I looked at life. But... all that changed when –”
Napahinto ako sa pag aanticipate sa maaring reaction nila sa susunod kong sasabihin.
“I met Mr. James Cruz, my professor in Sociology.” Ang dugtong kong nag-crack na ang boses at pilit nilabanan ang tuloy-tuloy na pagdaloy ng emosyon.
(Itutuloy)
---------------------------------------
Idol Ko Si Sir (part 9)
“When I first met Professor James Cruz, I thought he was no different. I was wrong. He is one teacher whose dedication to duty goes beyond addressing the so-called intellectual sine qua non of his students. He understood my world and led me to see life from different viewpoints. With him, I learned the value of discipline, sacrifice, and fair play. With him I learned the true meaning of happiness, peace of mind, and inner satisfaction. With him, I regained my dignity and self-respect. And here I am a changed man, a living testament to his commitment. For the first time in my life, I have become truly proud of myself. For the first time in my life, I have made my mom the happiest person on earth. And there’s no doubt in my mind that many other graduates and students of this school feel the same way too; graduates and students like me with whose lives Professor Cruz had touched...” Tuluyan nang tumulo ang luha ko at nakita ko ang iba pang mga estudyanteng nagpapahid din ng luha.
“But recently things have turned out terribly bad for Professor Cruz. He had been hounded by a very serious controversy which has resulted to his expulsion from school. Many of us are aware of this, and many have been affected by what had happened. And although no one could tell for certain what real story that video clip holds behind it, Professor Cruz took full responsibility and accepted the punishment. It was so humbling, but yet so unfair on his part. This is the very reason why I decided to bring this matter up here – because there is another side of truth that only I know; the other part of the story which deserves to be unraveled if only to clear all air of doubts.
I remember the words Professor Cruz had said to me, ‘If you can’t stand by what you believe in or if you turn your back from the consequence of your misdeeds, you are worth nothing’. It breaks my heart to be here savoring the sweetness of success while the very person – innocent of any accusations and instrumental in all my triumphs – grieves in silence.”
Natahimik ako ng sandali, nag atubili sa susunod na kasuklam-suklam na mga katagang ibubunyag habang pinapahid ng mga kamay ang luhang patuloy na dumadaloy sa pisngi.
“I am the other guy in the video.” ang tuluyan ko nang pagbulalas sa tinatago-tagong sikreto, ang boses ay halos di maintindihan dahil sa pigil na pag-iyak.
May narinig kaagad akong nag-boo at pansin sa mga mukha ng iba ang pagka-mangha, ang iba ay nagbubulungan.
“Yes, I am. I tricked Professor Cruz into drinking and when drunk, I forced him to do it on me. I recorded it without his knowledge so I could use the clip to blackmail him in case he didn’t give me a passing grade. But all my plans backfired. Instead, I realized how wicked I was… until the video clip made its way to some unscrupulous hands wrecking havoc on the dignity of the very person whom I learned to admire and idolize.”
Patuloy pa ring nag-boo ang ibang mga estudyante habang ang iba naman ay patuloy ding nagpapahid ng luha.
“I know that no amount of remorse could repair the damage I’ve made. And I take full responsibility for everything. I am deeply sorry to have caused pain and suffering to all those affected by my wrongdoing and lack of heart, especially our beloved Professor Cruz. I am the one who should be punished; I am the one who should be there suffering in his stead. I know that I have breached propriety by dragging Professor Cruz’s name into this solemn occasion. But this very school has also imbibed in me the value of truth and justice. And my heart aggrievedly screams justice for Professor Cruz. He is NOT the villain; I am. He is the victim and the aggrieved, and I am the scoundrel... and I deserve all your wraths!”
Nilingon ko ang upuan ng mga administrators at nakita sa mga mukha nila ang pigil na pagka-inis sa mga binitiwan kong salita.
“But all that I fervently hope is that the administrators of this school find compassion and understanding in their hearts to forgive Professor Cruz and reinstate him back to his job. I humbly ask you: punish me, or give back the dignity of Professor Cruz!”
Para akong natulala, hindi makapaniwala sa mga nasabi at halos mapako na sa pagkakatayo sa harap ng podium. Maya-maya, may narinig akong isang mahinang palakpak, at may sumunod pa, at lumakas ito, at may mga sumunod pa ulit, hanggang sa nakakabingi na ang mga palakpakan.
Nagsitayuan ang mga estudyante, nagsigawan, “We want Sir James back! We want Sir James back! We want Sir James back!” Tiningnan ko ang mom ko, tumayo na rin sya at nagsunuran ang iba pang mga magulang. Nakita kong nagpapahid sya ng luha ngunit dama ko ang matatag nyang suporta at pagmamalaki sa panindigang binitiwan ko.
Natapos ang graduation na di maipaliwanag ang tunay na naramdaman sa nangyari. Habang kitang-kita ko sa mukha ng mga graduates ang saya, kabaligtaran naman ang naramdaman ko. Tila biglang naglaho lahat ang excitement at ang pumalit ay pangamba, lungkot, pag-aalinlangan at pagkalito sa kung ano ang maaaring takbo ng buhay kinabukasan o sa susunod pang mga araw; kung saan ako patungo o paano magsimula. Nung umandar na ang sasakyang dala ng mom patungong apartment, walang tigil pa rin sa katatanong ang isipan. “Ano ang sunod kong gagawin? Magkita pa kaya kami ng mga kaklase at kaibigan ko? At si Sir James kaya, saan na sya? Magkita pa kaya kami ulit?”
Walang imik ang mom habang nagpapatakbo ng sasakyan. Marahil ay batid nya ang saloobin ko lalo na sa nangyaring nakakamanghang pagbunyag – sa mismong graduation ko pa man din – sa ginawa kong eskandalo na syang naging dahilan ng pagpapatalsik kay Sir James.
Ilang sandali lang nag-stay ang mom sa apartment ko. Tiningnan lang nya ito at dumeretso na kaming dalawa sa pinaka-sikat at mamahaling restaurant sa kalapit-syudad at doo’y nagsalo-salo. Dama ko ang sobrang tuwa na naramdaman nya para sa akin, sa mga nakita nyang pagbabago at sa nakamit na karangalan. Ngunit ipinaabot din nya ang lungkot sa nangyari kay Sir James.
Pinag-usapan din namin ang mga plano ko. Nag-suggest sya na mag proceed ako ng master’s degree o tumulong na lang sa pagma-manage ng negosyo namin.
Ngunit naging blangko ang isip ko at walang maisagot sa kanya. “Mom, can I think it over please? I need sometime to figure things out. Naguguluhan pa ako e... I think I need to sort out the mess which I created with Sir James.”
Pinagbigyan naman nya ako at pinaubaya na ang pagdedesisyon para sa sarili. Ngunit hindi rin nakalampas sa kanya ang intriga tungkol sa amin ni Sir James at sa maaaring parusang ibigay ng eskwelahan sa akin.
Nagulat nalang ako nung tinitigan nya ako at tinanong. “Son, ano ba talaga ang nararamdaman mo para kay Professor James Cruz? It’s like something strange is going on. I mean, I’m sorry to open this issue but I am a little worried...”
Ramdam ko ang pamumula ng mukha ko, maaaring dala ng hiya dahil sa di maipaliwanag na saloobin. Ang sagot ko nalang na di makatingin-tingin sa kanya, kunyari naka-concentrate sa pagsubo ng pagkain “Mom, there’s nothing strange, believe me. I know what you mean... I’m not gay, ok?”
“Well, then I’m glad you say that. Remember, gustong-gusto ko nang magkaroon ng apo, son… at sana malapit na iyon” sabay ngiti at haplos sa pisngi ko.
“Of course Mom, yeah...” Parang may tumama din sa puso ko sa sinasabi ng mom na gusto nyang magkaapo, at syempre ang magkaroon ako ng isang normal na pamilya ang ibig nyang sabihin. Ngunit pinalagpas ko na lang yun sa kabilang tainga. “Doon naman talaga ako patungo e” bulong ko sa sarili.
Ngunit nung biglang pumasok na naman sa isipan ko si Sir James. “Ah... ewan ko ba talaga. Bahala na!” sagot naman ng isang parte ng utak kong natuliro.
“OK then, when you have finally made up your mind, tell me, son. Sana ikaw na ang mag manage sa negosyo natin para naman makapag-retire na ako.” sabi nyang pabiro sabay tawa. “Ngunit kung ano man ang gusto mong gawin pa sa buhay, I’ll be right behind you. Bata ka pa rin naman, you can take your time and enjoy.”
Naunang bumalik ng syudad ang mom at nagpaiwan muna ako sa apartment dala ng paghahanap pa rin marahil sa dating mga nakagawian. Nung sumapit ang gabi, nababagot akong di mapakali. Sumudot-sundot sa isipan ang di mamatay-matay na naramdaman para kay Sir James. Nasumpungan ko nalang na pumunta sa flat niya. “Bahala na kung ano ang sasabihin ng mga tao kung sakaling makita man nila ako dun. Tutal, tinanggal na nila si Sir James sa school, ano pa bang pwedi nilang gawin?” sabi ko sa sarili.
Ngunit wala na pala dun si Sir James, nakaalis isang araw na ang nakalipas at walang makapagsabi kung saan nagpunta. Pinigilan ko ang sariling lumuha, hindi malaman kung saan dideretso at kung anong gagawing pag-aliw sa sarili. Tinawagan ko si Ricky para sana may makausap at maging karamay. Ngunit umuwi na rin pala siya sa lugar nila pagkatapos na pagkatapos kaagad ng graduation. Feeling ko nag-iisa na lang ako sa mundo. Pumunta na lang ako ng bar at doon sinarili ang matinding kalungkutan, hanggang sa malasing.
Kinaumagahan, nag-pack-up ako ng konting gamit, hindi tiyak sa gagawin at kung saan patungo. “Siguro naman, ngayong tapos na ako ng pag-aaral, problema na ng puso ang hahanapan ko ng lunas upang makalaya na akong tuluyan...” at binitiwan ang malalim na buntung-hininga.
Pumasok bigla sa isipan na puntahan sina Tatay Nando sa bukid. “Baka nandun si Sir James o kaya’y alam nila kung saan sya nagpunta.” sigaw ng utak ko.
Nakarating nga ako kina Tatay Nando. Lahat sila ay sumalubong sa akin: Nanay Narsing, Maritess, Anton, Dodong, Clara at si Letecia. Kumpleto silang lahat.
“Carl, napadayo ka!” sigaw ni Tatay Nando.
“Opo, tapos na kasi ang pasukan at graduate na po ako... at malamang babalik na rin sa malaking syudad pagkagaling dito. Nagpunta lang po ako upang magpaalam.” ang sabi kong malungkot ang tono ng pagsasalita. “Heto pala Tay, may biniling mga pasalubong ang mommy para sa inyong lahat”
Inilabas ko ang isang malaking bag ng mga damit, shirts, sapatos, at pantalon. “At alam nyo po, nag-offer ang mommy na sya na ang magpapaaral kay Maritess at Anton sa darating na pasukan, at pati na rin kina Dodong, Clara at Letecia pag nagka-college na sila. Bibisita daw po sya dito isang araw para po makilala kayo at pati na rin ang lahat ng mga kinakapatid ko dito.”
“Talaga, Carl? A, e... hindi ba nakakahiya? Narsing! Narsing! Papag-aralin daw ng mommy ni Carl sina Maritess at Anton!” ang buong kagalakang hindi magkamayaw na pagbalita ni Tatay Nando habang narinig ko namang nagsisigaw at naglulundag sa tuwa sina Maritess at Anton pagkarinig sa sinabi ng ama.
“Salamat naman Carl at hindi na namin po-problemahin ang panggastos sa pagpapaaral sa kanila. Si Anton talaga ay hindi na muna nag-aral ng College yan para lang matustusan namin si Maritess. Tinutulungan pa nga kami ni James sa mga gastusin, e. Hiyang-hiya na ako kay James. Kaya maraming-maraming salamat!” ang sagot ng halos halos mangiyakngiyak na si Tatay Nando. “Halika, dito tayo sa loob ng bahay. Kumain ka muna. Tapos na kaming lahat kumain ngunit sasabayan na kita. A... Anton!” sabay lingon kay Anton “Maglagay ka ng tuba sa pitsel! Mag-inuman kami ni Carl! At sumali ka na rin sa amin dito. Narsing!” tawag naman nya kay Nanay, “maghain ka at kakain kami ni Carl!”
“Tamang-tama po, Tay at ako po’y gutom na gutom na. Na-miss ko na rin po talaga ang mga luto ni Nanay Narsing.” sabi ko habang iniikot ang mga mata sa paligid nagbakasakaling makita si Sir James.
“Tamang-tama, maya-maya lang siguro darating na si James at makakasalo din natin sa pagkain.”
Biglang kumabog ng malakas ang dibdib ko sa sobrang galak sa narinig. Ngunit di ako nagpahalata. “Nandito po si Sir James Tay? Saan po ba sya nagpunta?”
“Kay Kapitan. May plano syang gumawa ng project dito at nag-usap sila ngayon. Maganda ang naisip nyang proyekto, siguradong makakatulong sa buong baranggay. Bilib talaga ako sa batang yan, Carl! Magaling sa ano mang bagay. Napakabait pa. Nagtaka nga lang kami kung bakit napaaga ang uwi. Ang alam namin may graduation pa sa school eh. Pero sinabi na rin nya ang dahilan...”
“Talaga po? Alam nyo na po ang nangyari? Hindi po ba sya galit sa akin?”
“Hindi. Hindi… Mabait ang batang iyan, Carl.” ang maiksing tugon nya.
Tamang-tama ngang dumating si Sir James nung maihain na ni Nanay Narsing sa hapag kainan ang mga pagkain. Abot-tenga ang ngiti at hindi man lang na-sorpresa nung makita ako. Para akong na-hypnotized at lumutang sa ulap sa sobrang kaligayahan.
“Ey Carl! Naligaw ka yata ng pupuntahan. Sigurado ka bang dito talaga ang pakay mo?” Ang pabiro nyang sabi sabay kamay sa akin.
Tinanggap ko ang shakehand nya. Nagpapawis kaagad ang kamay ko at nakakabingi ang kalampag ng dibdib sa sobrang excitement sa mainit na pagtanggap nya sa akin. Sumigaw ang puso kong yakapin sya ngunit naunahan na ako ng hiya.
“Ok naman ako, James, kaw? Balita ko may project ka raw na gagawin dito?”
“Oo. Magpapagawa ako ng isang classroom, non-formal education para maturuang magsulat at magbasa ang mga Nanay at Tatay, pati na rin ang mga binata’t dalaga dito na hindi nakapag-aral. Ang layo-layo kasi ng lugar na ito sa paaralan at maraming hindi na nakapag-aral dahil sa layo. Kahit papano sa project na to, matulungan ko din sila...”
“Walang sweldo?” ang bilis kong tanong.
“Wala... tulong nga e.”
“E, panu ka kikita? Ang mga pangangailangan mo?”
“Yan ang challenge, Carl. Jan dapat paganahin ko ang utak ko.” Tumawa sya. “Di ba sabi ko sa iyo, mabubuhay ako kahit saan. I am not afraid to take challenges. The bigger and the more difficult the challenge, the better and the bigger are the rewards. Kailangan lang ay sipag, tyaga, determinasyon, at paniniwalang makamit mo ang goal mo. Pag pumalpak, e di simula nalang ulit...”
“Grabe ka talaga, James. Hindi ka nauubusan ng magagandang ideas! E... Kung tutulungan kaya kita?”
“Wag na baka mamalasin na naman ako.” ang casual nyang sagot sabay bitiw ng napakalutong na halakhak.
Tumawa na rin ang lahat.
“No, seriously, I can help you. My mom is thinking of a charity project for this baranggay and she’s having some problems trying to figure out what it is and how to get it started. Alam mo kasi, malaki ang pasalamat nya kina Tatay Nando, ng pamilya nya at sa mga tao dito sa pagtulong sa akin. She wants to return the help to everyone. In fact, she wants to meet you too, and thank you personally.”
“Wow! At may instant sponsor na kaagad ako!” ang masayang sambit ni Sir. “Ang swerte ko rin naman pala, kahit papano dito kay Carl...”
Parang may sumundot sa puso ko sa narinig na iyon.
“Nahihiya nga ako sa iyo, eh... sa malaking kasalanan ko” ang seryoso kong sabi. “Pero babawi din ako sa iyo, James, promise.”
Hindi na sya sumagot. Binitiwan lang ang isang nakakabighaning titig.
Ewan ko ba ngunit pakiramdam ko, kahit mga limang segundo lang syang tumitig sa akin, parang isang buong oras na nya akong tinitigan, at animoy yelo akong unti-unting natutunaw. Parang may halong kasabikan din ang mga titig nya, nakikipag-usap at nagtatanong.
At namalayan ko na lang ang pagtapik nya sa balikat ko. “Ey! Nandito ka pa ba? Lumilipad yata ang isip mo ah! Tingnan mo, namumula na naman ang mukha mo. Lalo ka tuloy pumogi, naiinsecure na ako sa iyo e!” Sinasampal-sampal nya ang mukha ko na parang gigil na gigil at sabik na sabik sa akin. “Biro lang... ito naman, di na mabiro e.”
Tawanan kaming lahat.
Nag-inuman nga kami, ako, si Tatay Nando, si James at si Anton. Coconut wine na ang tawag ay tuba, at tagay system. Kwentuhan, biruan, ini-experience ang pagtakbo ng oras na walang hinahabol, walang iniisip na deadline, ini-enjoy ang preskong hangin, ang mga berdeng tanawin, ang ingay ng mga ibon at nagkikiskisang dahon ng mga kahoy at halaman habang nalalanghap naman ang bango ng binabarbecueng manok at inihaw na mais nina Anton at Maritess. Nakikisali na rin sa umpukan sina Nanay Narsing at iba pang mga anak nila.
Napakasaya ko sa mga oras na iyon.
Gabi na nung matapos kami, mejo lasing na ang lahat. At dahil pinigilan ako ni Tatay Nando’ng bumalik sa apartment ko, doon na rin ako natulog.
“O, James, bahala ka na kay Carl ha? Wala tayong ibang kwarto. Malilit ang kwarto ni Anton at kasama pa nya doon si Dodong. Kaya sama nalang kayo ni Carl?” tanong ni Tatay Nando kay Sir James.
“Opo, Tay, walang problema. Ako nang bahala dito” ang may pag-aalangang sagot ni Sir sabay tingin sa akin.
Walang magawa si Sir James kundi ang maglatag ng banig sa kwarto nya para sa aming dalawa. Naglagay din sya ng mosquito net dahil marami daw lamok sa gabi at shorts lang ang suot nya sa pag tulog. Single lang ang mosquito net nya, wala na daw mahagilap na iba pa. Bago kami nahiga, naligo muna sya at pagkatapos ay ako naman. Dahil wala akong dalang shorts, pinahiram na rin nya ako. Naalala ko na naman ang huling pagkakataon na natulog kaming magkatabi sa flat nya. Lasing na lasing ako nuon, pinunasan nya buong katawan ko at pinasuot ng shorts nya.
May kilig at kiliting sumundot sa akin. “Hmmm, sana nagpakalasing na lang ako para punasan nya na naman ang buong katawan ko...” sambit ng utak kong malisyoso.
Pareho kaming naka-shorts lang. Nung mahiga, walang imikan. Nakaka-bagot ang katahimikan. Pakiramdaman, hindi ko alam kung anong posisyon ako hihiga. Nanjan yung tatagilid, titihaya, dadapa... Ngunit wala pa ring kibo si Sir kahit na paminsan minsan, ang balat namin ay nagdidikit at ang paa ko sa kapipiglas ay nasasagi sa paa nya.
Sa lapit namin sa isa’t-isa, nalalanghap ko ang amoy ng katawan nya at ang presko nyang hininga. At dahil sa patay ang ilaw, pilit kong inaaninag ang posisyon nya sa pagtulog. Nakatihaya lang, ang isang braso ay nakapatong sa ulo. Alam ko, gising pa sya at nagmamanman sa mga kilos ko, naghihintay kung ano ang susunod na mangyari. Sumisigaw ang isip na ipatong ang kamay ko sa dibdib nya o kaya’y hablutin ang katawan nya at yakapin ng mahigpit. Ngunit natakot din akong baka magalit sya o kaya’y mapahiya ako’t iwaksi ang kamay.
Maya-maya tumagilid na lang ako paharap sa kanya, nag-isip kung ano ang gagawin para mabiyak ang pakikiramdaman namin sa isa’t-isa.
”I-patong ko kaya ang hita ko sa hita nya? O... yung binti ko nalang sa binti nya, kunyari di ko sinasadya? Ah... bahala na. Bugbugin man nya ako, ok lang. Gagawin ko na talaga to” pag-udyok ng utak ko.
Palakas ng palakas ang kabog ng dibdib habang ang utak ko naman ay nagbibilang, “Isa, dalawa, tatlo... Ummpptt!” Ang pagpigil ko sa sariling wag gagawa ng ingay. Unti-unti kong inangat ang paa ko at dahan-dahang ipinatong iyon sa mismong umbok ng harapan nya.
(Itutuloy)
-----------------------------
Idol Ko Si Sir (part 10)
Madilim ang kwarto, malakas ang kabog ng dibdib sa naghalong kaba at excitement. Dahan-dahang dumampi ang hita ko sa harapan nya. Nakiramdam ako. Hindi sya kumibo, hindi kumilos, hindi man lang tinapik iyon. Pinabayaan lang nya ito. Dama ko ang umbok ng pagkalalaki niya at lalong bumilis at lumakas ang kabog ng dibdib ko.
Ilang sandali din ang lumipas at hindi pa rin sya kumilos. Natuyu ang lalamunan ko sa di maipapaliwanag ang naramdaman sa pag-antabay sa maaring sunod na mangyari. Napalunok ako ng sariling laway, tuliro ang utak, nag-isip kung galawin ang hitang nakapatong o idiin yun. Kinikilig, nakikiliti at nag-iinit ang aking katawan.
Lumakas ang loob ko sa pagbale-wala nya sa ginawa ko. Ipinatong ko na rin ang isang kamay sa dibdib nya at iniusog ang katawan, ang bibig ko ay halos madikit na sa tenga nya. Naaamoy ko ang shampoong ginamit nya sa pagligo nung gabing iyon. Nanatili syang walang kibo, hindi gumalaw.
“James... I love you.” Bulong ko.
Tahimik.
“Bakit ka nandito?” Sumagot sya ng pabulong din, seryoso ang tono. Nanatiling hindi sya gumalaw at painabayaan pa rin ang kamay at hita kong nakapatong sa kanya.
“Hindi ako mapakali kung hindi kita nakikita at nakakasama...”
“Bakit?”
“Hindi ko alam. Ang alam ko lang ay hinahanap-hanap kita. Gusto kong nanjan ka palagi sa piling ko.”
“Bakit?”
“Yan ang sinasabi ng puso ko, James... at ikaw ang tinitibok nito.”
“Bakit?”
“Ewan...”
“Paanu kung nagsisinungaling ang puso mo?”
“Hindi ako magsasayang ng oras at panahon sa pagpunta dito kung alam kung hindi totoo ang sinasabi ng puso ko...”
“Bakit mo ako minahal?”
“Dahil iyon ang nararamdaman ko. Ikaw lang ang taong nagpapatino sa akin. Ikaw lang ang alam kong taong iniidolo ko. Ikaw lang ang taong alam na alam ang buong pagkatao ko, ang buhay ko, ang taong nakakaintindi sa akin, ang nagbalik ng tiwala ko sa sarili, at ang nagturo sa akin kung paano tahakin ang buhay sa mabuting paraan. Pangalan mo lang ang isinisigaw ng puso ko. Ikaw lang ang nakapagtitibok at nakapaghihinto nito ng sabay. Pag hindi kita nakita, napakalungkot ng mundo ko, walang kahulugan ang buhay, walang kulay...”
Mejo napangiti ako nung tinanong nya. “Di ba corny?”
“Corny, yeah. And love should be, and OA, and --”
“Stupid.”
“Yeah” ang maagap kong sagot, at sabay naming binitiwan ang pigil na tawa habang nakapatong pa rin ang kamay at hita ko sa kanya.
“Salamat sa pagdepensa mo sa akin sa graduation. I hated you doing it...”
“Bakit”
“Dahil you’ve blown up the issue”
“Yeah, but it straightened the record, case closed.”
“And you’re punished.”
“Yeah. And I don’t care a bit. I don’t need those medals anyway. I need you...”
Tahimik ulit. “Bakit ako ang napili mong mahalin?”
“Hindi ako ang pumili sa iyo, James, puso ko, at di ko alam kung bakit. Yan din ang tinatanong ko.”
“Paano kung mali ang iniudyok ng puso mo?”
“Kung ganun, ayoko nang maging tama pa ito.”
“Nasa alaala ko pa, Carl ang nangyari sa atin... at ang kapahamakang nagawa nito. Gusto mo bang maulit uli yun?
Tahimik. Niyapos ko sya. Idiniin ko ang mukha ko sa ulo nya, ang mga labi ko ay idinampi sa tenga nya. Hindi pa rin sya kumibo. Hinayaan lang nyang magdikit ang mga katawan namin.
“I’m sorry James sa mga nagawa ko. Ngunit mahal kita at handa kong paninindigan ang nararamdaman ko para sa iyo. Iba iyong nangyari sa atin noon James, sinugatan mo ang puso ko at matindi ang galit ko sa iyo sa panahong iyon. At alam mo ding magulo ang buhay ko noon. Nagbago na ako, James... dahil sa iyo.”
“Paanu kung susugatan ko uli ang puso mo?”
“Kung liligaya ka sa gagawin mo, wala akong magawa. Malaki ang kasalanan ko sa iyo. Nagsisi na ako. Ngunit kung kailangan ko pang i-pakita sa iyo kung gaano kalalim ang pagsisisi ko, gagawin ko. Tatanggapin ko kung anu man ang parusang ipapataw mo.”
“Hanggang kailan mo ako pweding mahalin?”
“Walang hangganan.”
“Habang may buhay?”
“Oo”
“Ayaw mo ba magkaroon ng normal na pamumuhay, na may pamilya, asawa, at anak? Ayaw mo bang bigyan ng lubusang kaligayahan ang mommy mo na mabigyan sya ng apo? Ayaw mo bang magkaroon ng anak at ibigay sa kanya ang hindi mo naranasan simula nung ika’y bata pa?”
Hindi ako nakakibo. Sumiksik ulit sa isipan ang huling binitiwang salita ng mommy na gusto nyang magkaroon ng apo. Naalala ko rin ang mga sandaling nahahabag ako sa sarili kapag nakita ang ibang mga bata na may daddy na kalaro o kasama sa pamamasyal.
Nagpatuloy sya. “Kaya mo bang habang namamasyal tayo, titingnan tayo ng mga tao at pagkatapos ay magtitinginan silang may bahid-malisya? Kaya mo bang habang nagsasama tayo sa isang bahay, may mga dadaang tao at titingnan tayong ang turing ay parang mga taga-ibang planeta o hindi normal na mga tao?”
“Kakayanin ko, James.”
Tahimik.
“Anong gusto mong mangyari ngayon?”
“Sana, magsama tayo palagi, gaya ngayon...”
“Hindi mo ba ako tatanungin kung gusto kong magkaroon ng pamilya, ng asawa’t anak... ng isang normal na buhay?”
“Bakit... wala ka bang nararamdaman para sa akin?”
“Magkaiba ang dalawang bagay na yan, Carl; ang magmahal at ang mangarap”
“Bakit, ano ba ang pangarap mo?”
“Ang magkaroon ng pamilya, ng asawa’t anak... ng isang normal na buhay, ng mga supling na nagtatakbuhan at nagkukulitan, na inaalagaan, na binibigyang pansin at mag-aalaga sa aking pagtanda; ang magkaroon ng isang babaeng maging ina nila, na dadamay at katuwang sa buhay. Ikaw ba hindi sumiksik sa isipan ang ganun?”
Parang tinusok ang puso ko sa narinig. Dama ang namumuong luha sa mga mata ko. “Gusto ko rin, syempre. Pero, bata pa tayo, James. Twenty lang ako at ikaw, 25. Kailangan na ba nating magdesisyon sa mga bagay na yan ngayon?” ang sabi kong halatang nasaktan sa sinabi nya.
Hindi pa rin sya kumilos. “Oo, dahil kung gusto mong magtagumpay sa buhay, kailangang may direksyon ka, may plano.”
“Hindi mo ba ako mahal?”
“Bakit mo sisirain ang buhay ko at ko at ang buhay mo? Bakit mo sisirain ang pangarap ko?”
Tuluyan na akong naapektuhan sa diretsahang sinabi nya. Tinanggal ko ang kamay at hitang nakapatong sa kanya bilang pagpapahalata sa di nagustuhang tono ng kanyang pananalita. Tumihaya ako, inilagay ang isang braso sa ibabaw ng aking ulo. “Bakit? Bawal ba ang magmahal ng ganitong klase? Lahat ba ng taong nagmahal ng ganito ay nasisira ang mga buhay nila?” ang sabi kong halata sa tono na nasaktan.
“Hindi.”
“Yun naman pala eh. Bakit ganyan ka kung makapagtanong?”
“Dahil naniniwala ako na ang lahat ng klaseng pagmamahal ay dapat may focus, may target, may direksyon. Hindi lang basta nagmahal ka ngayon at bahala na kung ano ang mangyayari bukas. Naniniwala ako sa pagmamahal na hindi lang puso ang umiiral kung hindi, pati na ang isipan... Ganyan ba ang pagmamahal mo?”
“Hindi ko maintindihan.”
“Give yourself sometime away from me...”
“Bakit?”
“Kung mahal mo pa rin ako after a year kahit malayo ka sa akin, jan ko malalaman na ang pagmamahal mo ay di lang umiiral sa puso...”
“Ba’t di mo nalang sagutin ang tanong ko ngayon? Kung mahal mo rin ba ako.”
“Love is patient... love knows no bounds. Love goes to where it’s meant to be.”
“Mahal mo ba ako?” ang pangungulit ko.
“Do you believe in destiny?”
“What’s the relevance?”
Hindi na sya sumagot. At sumiksik sa isip na talagang hindi nya ako mahal at imposibleng mahalin pa. Iniisip ko na naghanap lang sya ng excuse upang lumayo ako, malimutan sya, at hindi na guguluhin o kukulitin pa. Tuluyan nang dumaloy ang luhang kanina lang ay namumuo sa mga mata. Hinayaan kong bumagsak ang mga ito sa unan, sa papag na hinihigaan.
Hindi na ako kumibo, hindi na kumilos upang hindi mapansin ang paghikbi at hinanakit sa mga sinasabi nya. Pilit kong isiniksik sa isipan na kaya kong labanan ang sakit na nararamdaman, at ang pag-reject nya sa nararamdaman ko. Pilit kong inamo ang sarili na ang lahat ng tagpo namin at mga alala sa kanya ay pawang panaginip at kathang-isip lang.
Tahimik.
Maya-maya, tumagilid sya paharap sa akin. Nagulat na lang ako nung dahan dahan nyang ipinatong ang isang hita nya sa harapan ko at ang isang kamay nya sa dibdib ko. Hindi na ako kumibo. Ini-usog nya ang katawan palapit sa akin, ang bibig ay nakadikit sa tenga ko. Binulungan nya ako, “Carl, I love you. I do... Pero sana naintindihan mo ang sinasabi kong panagarap.”
Niyakap nya ako, mahigpit. Pinunas ng kamay nya ang luha sa pisngi ko. Nghalong saya at pagkalito ang naramdaman sa narinig at sa una nya nang mga nasabi. Akala ko, hindi mo ako mahal. Akala ko – hmmmpp!
Hindi ko na naipagpatuloy pa ang sasabihin nung idinampi nya ang mga labi nya sa labi ko. Nagyakapan kami na animo’y wala nang bukas pang darating, nag-aalab ang pagnanasa sa isa’t-isa. Sa pagkakataong iyon, batid ko ang nilalaman at isinisigaw ng puso niya. Puno ng pagmamahal at pananabik. Para kaming mga batang puslit, walang mga saplot, walang pakialam sa mundo at uhaw na uhaw. At tuluyan nang nagdikit ang aming mga katawan, ang sabay na pagpintig ng aming mga puso, ang pag-iisa ng aming isip at damdamin. Para kaming lumulutang sa ulap. At nang marating na namin ang ruruk ng kaligayahan, di maipaliwanag na kasiyahan ang nadarama. Tinamasa namin ang sarap na iyon ng ilang ulit pa, sa buong magdamag...
Nung humupa na ang pag-aalab ng aming mga katawan. Bumulong sya. “Kung talagang para tayo sa isa’t-isa, layuan mo muna ako, isang taon, walang contact. Kung nandito pa ako sa pagbalik mo… maaring para nga tayo sa isa’t-isa. Ngunit kung sa pagbalik mo’y nakahanap na ako ng babaeng pakasalan, sana matanggap mo rin iyon, ang marating ang sariling pangarap. Ngunit kahit pa mangyari iyon, pangakong hindi kita buburahin sa puso ko.
Tahimik.
Nagpatuloy sya. “Ikaw, maipangako mo ba sa akin na babalik ka, at na kung mahanap ko man ang sariling pangarap, matatanggap mo?”
“Oo. Babalik ako, at ano man ang madadatnan ko sa pagbabalik, tatanggapin ko ito ng buong puso….”
“Salamat Carl. Salamat…” sabay dampi ng mga labi nya sa pisngi ko.
Kinabukasan, lumuwas ako patungo sa malaking syudad, sa bahay ng mom. Yun na ang huli naming pagkikita ni Sir James. Batay sa pinagkasunduan, isang taon ko syang layuan. Walang kasing sakit ang mawalay sa taong mahal. Ngunit tiniis ko ang lahat, maipamalas lang kung gaano kalalim ang pag-ibig ko sa kanya.
Anim na buwan ang nakaraan at wala kaming contact sa isa’t-isa, at di ko na rin alam kung ano na ang nangyari sa kanya, except sa sinabi ng secretary ng mom ko na syang nagmo-monitor sa charity project nila ni Sir James. Successful daw ang implementasyon nito at maganda ang feedback ng mga tao. Na-feature din sila sa iba’t ibang news programs at mga magazines maging sa labas ng bansa. At dahil na rin sa success na natamasa, nakahanap sila ng iba pang mga malalaking sponsors at donors na syang dahilan upang mag-expand at mag-open na rin ng formal school.
Anim na buwan pa ang hihintayin at babalikan ko na ulit ang lugar na iyon upang tutuparin ang isang pangako. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang maging mangyari; kung ganun pa rin ba sya, o may iba nang tinitibok ang puso.
Ngunit ang mahalaga, ay maipamalas ko sa kanya na ang pagmamahal ko ay hindi lang sa puso umiiral. Ano man ang madatnan sa pagbalik, tatanggapin ko ito ng buong tapang, ng buong pang-unawa kahit ito’y nangangahulugan ng katuparan ng pangarap nya sa buhay – ang magkaroon ng sariling pamilya, asawa’t mga supling.
Matatanggap ko ang lahat dahil naintindihan ko na ang ibig sabihin ng sinasabi nyang pangarap. At ito na rin ang pinapangarap ko para sa sarili...
(End of Book 1)
By: Michael Juha
ISBN No. 978-971-011-022-3
All rights reserved
-------------------------------------------------
Magsi-second year college ako, 18 years old lang nung inilipat ng mommy sa probinsya upang dun na mag-aral. Sa Maynila kasi, kahit magagaling ang schools ay halos walang nangyayari sa pag-aaral ko, dahil sa bisyo at barkada. Siguro nakita nya na pag sa Maynila ako mag-aaral, walang ring patutunguhan dahil na imbes ang mga subjects ko ang ipasa, kung anu-anong bisyo nalang ang natututunan.
Nag-iisang anak lang ako. Nung puslit pa lamang ay namatay na rin ang daddy kong kano, kaya’t mom ko na lang ang nag-alaga sa akin. Actually, hindi naman mahina ang ulo ko, in fact, nasa gifted level ang IQ. Sadya lang talagang ayokong mag-aral at ewan ko rin ba, parang may kulang. Feeling ko wala akong kakampi sa mundo at dahil sa kahit na anong bagay ay naibibigay ng magulang, hindi ko naranasang maghirap. Sa pakiwari koy napaka boring ng mundo, walang ka-challenge challenge. Yan ang naisiksik sa utak ko simula nung bata pa lang. Kaya enjoy na enjoy ako sa barkada at sa bisyong sugal, droga, at kung anu-ano pa.
Siguro masasabi ko ring ang lahat ng bagay ay nasa akin na – hitsura, tangkad, kaginhawahan. Ngunit ang lahat ng to ay hindi ko iniisip o na-aappreciate man lang. Parang may iba akong hinahanap. Kaya nung mag-decide ang mommy na sa probinsya na ako mag-aral, pumayag na rin ako. “Ok lang... baka dun ko pa matagpuan ang challenge na hinahanap-hanap”, sabi ko sa sarili.
Hindi kalakihan ang school; may mga 400 ka estudyante lang ang population ng buong colllege department. Isa itong sectarian na pag-aari ng mga madre. Kahit na nasa probinsya sya, kumpleto at state-of-the-art ang mga facilities. Mailinis, nasa ayos ang lahat. At ang nagustuhan ko rin ay ang malalaking kahoy sa loob at paligid ng campus na nakapagbibigay ng malamig at preskong hangin.
Dahil sa hindi kalakihang population, halos mgakakakilala ang mga estudyante rito. Alam nila ang mga transferees, ang mga pamatay sa honor’s list, ang pabalik-balik an sa subjects, kung sino ang may ganitong ugali, body odor, habit, etc. Kaya nung pinaka unang araw ng pasukan, sa akin lahat nakatutok ang tingin ng mga kapwa estudyante. Kumbaga center of attraction na kaagad. At marahil ay dahil galing Maynila at mejo naiiba ang dating sa mestiso at tangkad an postura, marami kaagad akong naging kaibigan.
Simple lang ang paniniwala ko sa buhay. Ang lahat ay nakukuha sa pera; kung hindi man sa pera, sa ibang diskarte – pagpapa-cute, pambobola, panliligaw, pagpapa-impress, o simpleng pagparamdam na nanjan lang ako sa tabi, handang magbigay ng kung ano man ang gusto nung tao sa akin kapalit ng gusto ko. At kung ayaw pa ring bumigay at masyado ng nasaktan ang ego ko, pwedi na ang ultimate na sandata – blackmail. Kumbaga, wala sa bokabularyo ko ang santong dasalan; lahat ay nakukuha sa santong paspasan.
Wala akong problema sa mga estudyante at kaibigan. Unang impression pa lang nila sa akin ay “cool” kaagad; friendly daw ako, mabait, palabiro at andaming chicks na kinikilig. Sa dami ngang nakikipagkaibigan sa akin baka kung tumakbo akong presidente sa student council, mananalo ako kaagad ng walang kahirap-hirap. Ang problema ko lang ay ang isang teacher sa Sociology – si Sir James.
Si Sir James ay 23 years old lang, matalino, magaling magturo at mejo non-traditional ang approach sa klase. Kung hindi nga lang sya naka-upo sa teacher’s desk sa harap ng classroom ay sasabihin mo talagang isa sya sa mga estudyante sa klase namin. Matangkad, moreno, guwapo at estudyanteng-estudyante ang porma sa pananamit at pagdadala. Nakikipag-bonding sa mga estudyante, nakikipagbiruan, nakikipaglaro ng basketball, at malapit ang loob sa kanila.
Ngunit kung gaano sya kalapit sa mga estudyante sa labas ng klase, kabaligtaran naman pag nasa loob. Mahigpit sa mga rules at disiplina. Pero, patas naman. “Kapag nasa labas, barkada tayo, kahit ano pweding sabihin, pweding gawin; pero kapag nasa loob ng klase, ibang usapan na. Ako pa rin ang teacher nyo” Yan ang linya nya sa mga estudyanteng nakikipagbarkada sa kanya. Kaya gustong-gusto sya ng mga estudyante. Kumbaga, klaro ang rules, patas sa lahat, at alam nila kung saan sila lulugar, di kagaya ng ibang teachers na masungit, tyrant, o kaya’y parang wala lang...
Isang taon pa lang na nagtuturo si Sir James ngunit kilala na sya bilang isang magaling na guro at maraming nalolokong estudyante. Ngunit, siguro sadyang hindi pweding magkalapit ang loob namin. Sa unang meeting pa lang ng klase, na-experience ko na kaagad ang bagsik nya.
“Class, I’d like you to introduce yourselves, let’s start with the newcomer here from the big city, Mr. Miller...” yun ang hindi ko malimutang pambungad na salita nya kung san nagsimula ang pagka-badtrip ko.
Tumayo nga ako at nagself-introduce. Kaso, mejo nasobrahan yata ang pagka-presko ko. “My name is Carl Miller and, as Sir James said, I’m a transferee, 18 years old, single without experience, never been touched, never been kissed. In short, I’m a stupid, horny virgin, very much available and am planning to offer myself for auction” sabay hiyawan at palakpakan ng buong klase.
“Silence!!!” sigaw ni Sir James sabay lingon sa akin na namumula ang mukha, “Mr. Miller, this is a civil class for people who desire to be civil. And I have no intention of turning this into a brothel or a sex shop! We don’t care if you are a virgin, a stupid, or a maniac. We just want to know something civil about you, you understand?”
Biglang natahimik ang lahat, at syempre, hiyang-hiya ako sa sarili.
Simula nun, feeling ko pinag-iinitan na ako ni Sir James. Parang ang lahat na mabibigat na assignments ay sa akin napupunta. Pag sa klase nya hindi ako tumataas ng kamay o kaya’y sadyang walang maisasagot, pinapatayo ako nyan, at kapag may naisasagot naman, sinusupalpal. At hindi lang yan, ang tawag nya na sa akin ay ‘Blessed Virgin Carl’. “And... does Blessed Virgin Carl have something intelligent to add here...?” tanong nya sa akin isang beses nung mapansing ang isip koy lumilipad.
“A, er... I beg your pardon, Sir?”
“As I was saying, tell me what will an idiot say if he doesn’t understand the question because his mind is somewhere else?” paglilihis nya sa tanong pagpapatama sa akin at pagpaparamdam sa klase.
“Excuse me sir?” tanong kong mejo naguguluhan.
“Exactly! See...? That’s what an idiot would say!” ang sarcastic na sagot nya habang naka-gesticulate ang kamay turo sa akin pagpapatunay na ang sinabi ko ay tugma sa sasabihin ng isang idiot.
Nakakabingi ang tawanan ang buong klase.
Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit ganun ang turing ni Sir James sa akin. Parang sa lahat ng mga estudyante sa campus, ako ang sini-single out nya at tinitira samantalang napaka-palakaibigan naman nya sa mga estudyante. Pero kahit na masama ang loob ko sa kanya, yun ang naging dahilan para pagbutihan kong maigi ang pag-aaral sa subject nya, para wag lang mapahiya, to the point na kahit saan-saan nalang ako naghahagilap ng research materials. Wala na akong ginawa kungdi ang magbasa ng magbasa tungkol sa sociology nya. Hanggang sa lahat ng aspeto ng subject ay naging kabisadong-kabisado ko at lahat ng tanong nya sa akin ay nasasagot.
Ngunit sadyang pinipiga pa rin ni Sir ang utak ko at hindi sya nawawalan ng mga tanong at argumento. Kaya’t kapag ako naman ang naka-porma, ginigisa ko rin sya sa katatanong ng mga bagay na nakukuha ko rin sa ibang sources. At naging maaksyon ang klase namin; punong-puno ng participasyon. Dahil sa katatanong ko, na-eencourage na rin ang ibang kaklase na mag-follow up at nabubuksan ang iba pang grey areas at related issues sa subject. “Gusto mo ng tagisan ng talino, sige, magtutuos tayo” sabi ko sa sarili.
Dahil doon, humanga na rin sa akin ang mga kaklase ko.
“Alam mo Carl, ang galing-galing mo. Dahil sa mga explanations mo sa tanong ni Sir at sa mga tanong mo na rin sa kanya, nagiging interesting ang klase. Iba ka talaga, tol!” sabi ng kaklase at kadikit kong si Ricky. “Pero napansin ko lang pare, ha, bakit parang mainit ang ulo ni Sir James sa iyo? At, sorry din sa tanong na to, bakit sa ibang klase ay parang dini-deadma mo na lang? Di ka ba natatakot na bumagsak sa ibang subjects?”
“Sa una mong tanong, heto ang sagot ko: malay ko sa kanya! Siguro insecure yan sa ka-pogihan ko, hehehe. Sa pangalawa mong tanong, di mo ba napansin sina ma’am pag nagkakalase? Natuturete pag tinitigan ko, nalulusaw, dre – hehehe” pagmamalaki ko sa sarili.
“So...?” tanong ulit ni Ricky na naguluhan sa sagot ko.
“So...? You don’t get it, tol? It’s obvious na type ako ng mga yun!” pag-emphasize ko. “E, kikindatan ko lang ang mga yan, ipapasa na ako e”
“Matindi ka, dre! E, panu kung di oobra ang plano mo at ibagsak ka pa rin?”
“Malabo yan, dre, dahil proven na sa Maynila ang style ko na yan. At pag ibinagsak talaga nila ako, baka gusto nila ng pera, o di kaya, ako... hehehe” Sabi kong naka-ngiting-aso. “Ngunit kung ayaw pa rin nilang bumigay, isa lang ang dahilan nyan, dre, love nila talaga ako at hindi nila kayang mawalay ako sa mga paningin nila – hahahaha! Atsaka, problema ba yun pag bumagsak, di balik ulit next sem, chicken feed lang yan.”
“Iba ka talaga, pareng Carl... Ok, balik tayo dun kay Sir James. Di kaya may iba syang motibo kung bakit pinag-iinitan ka nya palagi? U-owwww! I smell something...” sabay bitiw ng nakakalokong ngiti at makahulugang tingin.
Hindi ko na inintindi ang ipinahiwatig na yun ni Ricky. Pero sa loob-loob ko, talagang naghanap ako ng paraan para makaganti. Di ko lang alam kung paano.
Sa mga nagdaang araw, hindi pa rin nagbago ang pag-trato sa akin ni Sir James sa klase. Bagkus, feeling ko lalo pang lumala. Kaya dahil sa inis at sama ng loob na parang hindi man lang na-appreciate ang ginawa kong effort sa klase nya, naisipan kong hindi na sisipot at hayaan na lang na i-drop niya ako.
May mga anim na sunod-sunod na sessions na hindi na ako nagpakita pa sa klase nung may natanggap akong note, “Carl, I would like to talk to you today at 4:30 pm; conference room – Sir James”
Expected ko na ang sulat na yun. So sinagot ko, “Sir, I will talk to you only in a private venue, not in school. Ayokong teacher-student ang turing ng usapan coz I’m dropping my subject. I suggest na lalaki-sa-lalaki ang usapan, at hindi guro-estudyante. Kahit saang venue, wag lang sa school” sagot ko sa note nya.
Kinabukasan, may note ulit ako, “Sa apartment ko nalang bukas; 8 pm.”
“Good!” sabi ko sa sarili. “Magtutuos tayo, Mr. James Cruz. Tingnan natin kung hanggang saan ang galing mo...”
Syempre, ni-ready ko ang sarili at naisipan kong mag-research tungkol sa buhay-buhay nya. Kinausap ko si Ricky at tinanong ang mga nalalaman nya tungkol kay Sir James.
“Alam mo, dre, kung personal na aspeto tungkol kay Sir, meron akong nalalamang konti. Aside sa pagiging malapit nya sa mga estudyante, inteligente, at guwapo, meron syang isang bagay na hindi naman confirmed ngunit sikreto – sikretong alam ng buong campus, hehehe” sabi nyang pabiro.
“Anong ibig mong sabihin?”
“Si Sir James ay... silahis – daw ha, dahil hindi naman na-prove talaga yan e. Pero syempre, nagtataka din ang marami dahil kahit sa hitsura nyang yan at tindi ng appeal at maraming chick ang naloloko ay wala namang girlfriend o nililigawan, di ba? At ang na-involved sa kanya ay isang nagngangalang Henry, mestiso Chinese na nagtuturo din sa school natin last year pero nasa US na ngayon. Magkasama sila sa apartment kasi e. Kaya nga, yang ibang pagtrato nya sa iyo ngayon, naisip ko lang ha... U-uhhh!” Hindi na ni Ricky itinuloy ang sasabihin sabay bitiw ng isang napakapilyong ngiti. “Iba talaga ang level ng ka-gwapuhan mo, tol - hahaha!”
“Ganun ka pala ha...” sabi ng utak kong nanggagalaiti at may sumiksik na maitim na balak.
(Itutuloy)
---------------------------------------
Idol Ko Si Sir (Part 2)
Dumating ang araw ng aming “pag-tutuos” ni Sir James. At pinaghandaan ko ang oras na yun. Sa suot kong puting t-shirt at jeans hanep na hanep ang dating. “Tingnan natin kung hindi ka sasakay sa plano ko sa iyo” sabi ng utak kung sinulsulan ng demonyo. Sinadya kong magpaporma talaga para sa okasyon na yun. At kasali sa planong yun ang pagdadala ng isang boteng imported na alak, pulutang setseria, kunyari pasalubong. Ngunit ang pinakabida sa lahat ay ang phone-camera ko.
“Good evening James” ang pag greet ko sa kanya nung binuksan na nya ang gate. Hindi na ako nag-Sir pa.
“Good evening din Carl!” sabi nyang nakangiti.
“Himala, nakangiti sa akin” sabi ko sa sarili. “A, heto pala, James may dala akong maiinom habang nag-uusap tayo. May pulutan na rin.”
Pumasok kami sa living room, kinuha nya ang dala kong alak at mga setseria at inilagay sa mesa. Maganda ang flat nya, tamang tama lang sa laki, may sariling CR at shower, kusina, living room at bedroom. May maliit din syang corner kung saan nakalagay ang mga personal nyang gym equipment. Maayos na maayos ang kwarto, malinis, masinop.
“Hindi ka na dapat nagdala pa neto Carl, di namam pakikipag-inuman ang pakay ko e. Tungkol sa attendance mo sa klase ang pag-uusapan natin, yun lang. At kung maari, ayaw kung uminom.”
“Yun na nga, eh... Sa ibang estudyante, nakikipag-bonding ka, nakikipag-biruan, sumasali sa mga kung anu-anong sosyalan. Pero sa akin iba ang pakikitungo mo... Ang labo mo naman, James. Ano ba talaga ang problema mo sa akin?” Sabi kong kalmante pa rin at pigil ang sariling hindi ipinahalata ang sama ng loob. “Kaya’t para hindi ako tuluyang magtampo, dapat lang na mag-bonding din tayo. Hindi ako makipag-usap sa iyo kung di ka nakikipag-inuman sakin. At dapat, maubos natin yang isang boteng alak na dala ko. Take it, or leave it.”
Kitang-kita ko sa mga mata nya ang pagkagulat. “Are you kidding? Yang buong bote na yan at tayong dalawa lang? Ang tindi mo rin pala sa inuman, no? Pero alam mo, Carl, itong pag-uusapan natin ay hindi naman para sa kapakanan ko e; ito’y tungkol sa iyo, para tulungan ka, mabigyan ng advice jan sa pinaggagawa mo. Dapat nga ikaw ang unang taong maghahabol ng solusyon dito dahil personal mong kapakanan ang nakataya...”
“Wow naman, James. Hanep din ang diskarte mo” ang sagot kong mejo tumaas na ang boses. “At wag mong kalimutan, di teacher ang pakikitungo ko sa iyo ngayon, ka-level lang tayo. And if it’s me that you want to talk about, or if it’s about your stupid subject, then I don’t care a bit. At tungkol jan sa sinabi mong pag-tulong?” pag-emphasize ko sa salitang ‘tulong’ “well, thanks, but, no thanks dahil, I don’t need your help, man. I don’t need your damn, fuckin help, ok?” Tinitigan ko sya ng matalas, tila nagbabanta. “Ngayon, does this mean I have to leave now?” at akmang tatalikod na sana.
“No, wait... OK, ok. Iinum ako, pero hanggang kalahating bote lang tayo. Pwede na ba yun?”
“Deal!” sabi ko sa kanyang mejo nasiyahan. “Yun naman pala e...” bulong ng isip kong nasiyahan na rin sa sagot nya.
At nag-inuman nga kami, tagay system, yung iisa lang ang basong gamit at iikot sa aming dalawa ang tagay. Walang usapan, puro pakiramdaman lang, nagbabasa sya ng libro habang kuntento na ako sa pagsisigarilyo. Basta ang target ay makaubos ng hanggang kalahati ng bote at dun pa kami magsimulang mag-usap sa tungkol sa ano mang gusto nyang pag-usapan.
Nakailang tagay din kami nung sadyang tanggalin ko ang t-shirt. “Mainit, sensya ka na James...”
Hindi sya kumibo. Hindi ko alam kung anong nasa isip nya ngunit tinanggal din nya ang t-shirt nya. Mejo na-appreciate ko rin ang ganda ng upper body ni Sir, kumbaga sculpted from chest hanggang sa abs at oblique muscles. Ngunit hindi na ako nagtaka dahil sa nakita kong personal mini-gym nya, sigurado akong nagwo-work out sya palagi.
“Disgrasya ka ngayon...” bulong ko sa sarili sabay bitiw ng pilyong ngiti. Maya-maya, nung mag-init na ang pakiramdam tumayo ako’t sumayaw-sayaw na parang macho-dancer, ina-unbuckle ang belt at tinanggal ang dalawang upper buttons ng fly at sadyang ibinababa ng konti ang jeans para lilitaw ang puting garter ng brief.
“Wala bang music?” tanong ko. Pagpaparamdam na nabo-bored sa sitwasyon naming walang imikan.
Pinatugtog nya ang isang mellow music na lalong nagpapalakas ng loob kong mag-tease. Tiningnan lang nya ako at pinagpatuloy na ang pagbabasa, napailing-iling.
“Tingnan na lang natin kung iiling-iling ka pa rin mamaya” ang pagbabanta ng utak ko.
Eksaktong kalahati na ng bote ang naubos namin nung inilatag na ni Sir sa mesa ang aklat na binabasa. “O, siguro naman pwedi na tayong mag-usap...” sabi nya habang nakatutok sa akin ang mapupungay na mata dala ng pag-epekto na ng alak.
Umupo ako sa harap ng inupuan nya. Gusto kong matawa dahil sa pagkabilis nyang malasing, palibhasa, hindi sanay. “Heto yung taong hinahangaan, tinitingala, minahal, at iniidolo ng mga estudyante ngunit nandito sa harap ko, halos isang sapak ko lang at mawalan na ng ulirat.” sabi ko sa sarili. Tinitigan kong maigi si Sir James. Kahit nanggagalaiti ako sa galit, napansin ko rin ang napaka-attractive nyang mukha. In fairness, makinis; may magandang hugis ng mata at kilay, may matungis na ilong at mamumula-mulang mga labi, makapal na mejo wavy na buhok. No wonder na madami ding nalolokang babaeng estudyante sa kanya dahil sa hayup nyang porma.
Nasa ganun akong paghanga ng sumigaw si Sir James. Dahil sa kalasingan, animoy bata itong, “Hoy, Carl, hindi ka naman nakinig eh…!”
“OK lang James, magsalita ka...” ang sabi ko habang pinagmasdan na lang ang bawat galaw nya. Ibayong pagmamalaki sa sarili ang nadama; ako hindi pa halos tinablan sa nainum habang si Sir James ay mukhang bibigay na. At tila nagtatalon na sa galak na nademonyong isip sa nakikinitang palapit na katuparan sa maitim na balak.
Tumungga ulit ako ng tagay, at isa pa. “O, gusto mo pa?” sabi kong sabay offer ng isang basong tagay sa kanya.
“OK, sige...” tinungga nya ang tagay. Tinagayan ko pa, at ulit tinungga iyon. Nakailang ulit din syang tumungga…
Lasing na lasing na sya nung magpuntang CR para umihi, halos di na na makatayo. Nasa bungad pa lang ng CR nung mapansin kong maduduwal na kayat takbo kaagad ako para alalayan sya. Nasa likuran nya ako at akap-akap sya. Di ko maintindihan ang naramdaman habang naglapat ang aming mga hubad at pawisang pang-itaas na katawan. May kiliting dumaloy sa buong katawan ko habang bumubundol-bundol naman ang harapan ko sa likuran nya. Namalayan ko na lang na tumigas ang pagkalalaki ko.
Nasa ganung ayos kami nung mapansin kong parang nahirapan syang i-unbuckle ang belt upang buksan ang fly. Kayat habang nakasandal sya sa akin, ibinaba ko ang mga kamay kong naka-akap sa chest area nya at ako an mismo ang nag-unbuckle ng belt at nagbukas ng fly. Ako na rin ang naghugot ng ari nya. Dahil sa tinigasan si Sir, sumagi ito sa brief nya. Hinawakan ko iyon at isenentro sa toilet bowl ang bagsak ng kanyang ihi.
“Tangna! Para akong nag-assit ng isang disabled neto” sabi kong di maintindihan kung matatawa o maiinis. Parang nakuryente ako sa ginawa kong iyon. Sa buong buhay ko, nun lang ako nakahawak ng ari ng iba – at sa tao pang kinaiinisan ko.
Nung matapos na syang umihi, hindi sya kumilos, nakasandal lang sa akin, marahil dahil sa hilo; ang dalawa nyang kamay ay naka laylay lang sa giliran, aka-akap ng isa kong kamay ang chest area nya habang ang isa kong kamay naman ay hawak-hawak pa rin ang kumikislot-kislot nyang ari.
Lumakas ang kabog ng dibdib ko sa hindi maipaliwanang na naramdaman sa eksenang iyon. Hanggang sa gumalaw ang mga kamay ni Sir at siya na mismo ang nagsiksik ng ari nya pabalik sa loob ng brief.
Mukhang nahimasmasan na sya ng konti at hinayaan ko na lang din syang mag-isang maglakad pabalik sa sala.
“Arggggghhhhhh! Shitttt!” sambit ng isipan ko habang pinagmasdan syang paika-ika, di malaman kung bubugbugin sya o mainis sa sarili dahil sa imbis na galit at paghiganti, ay may sumisingit na kung anong awa o kiliti ang nadarama sa naudlot an eksena.
Nakaupo na sya nung bumalik ako sa inuupuan ko paharap sa kanya. “OK ka lang?” tanong ko.
“OK lang. Salamat... nahihiya ako sa iyo.” sabi nyang parang hirap sa pagsalita dahil sa kalasingan.
“OK lang yun, James, pareho naman tayong lalaki, e.” Sabi ko. “Balik pala tayo dun sa dahilan ng pagpapatawag mo sa akin, ano nga ulit yun? Sige, makikinig na ako dahil tinupad mo naman ang hiningi kong kundisyon at halos maubos na nga natin tong alak e.”
“Gusto ko lang naman... bumalik ka sa klase ko eh. Sayang naman ang galing mo kung di mo ipasa ang subject ko... yun lang ang gusto ko, simpleng bagay lang.”
“Ah, yun lang ba? Chicken. Ok, papasukan ko ang subject mo pero sa isang kundisyon.”
“Ano na naman yang kundisoyn na yan? Putsa, andami mong kundisyon din no?” sabi nyang sabay kamot sa ulo na parang batang nakukulitan.
“Makikipag-sex ka sa akin.”
Animoy nataranta sya’t biglang humupa ang kalasingan, di makapaniwala sa narinig. Napailing-iling at binitiwan ang pilit an ngiti habang ang mapupungay na mga matang dala ng kalasingan ay nakatutok sa akin. “Shittt! Tell me you are kidding, Carl.”
“No, I’m not James!”
Tinitigan nya ako. Nag-isip. “Di ko kaya, Carl...”
“Di mo kaya dahil estudyante mo ako o dahil ayaw mo lang talaga?”
“What is the point?” tanong nya.
“Just answer my question. Papasukan ko ba ang klase mo o hindi?”
“OK, ok. Bago ko sagutin ang tanong mong yan, tanong ko lang din. Ikaw ba, gusto mo rin ba talagang gawin ito with me, o may gusto ka lang patunayan?”
Nag-isip ako. “Halimbawang ang sagot ko ay dahil gusto ko lang na may mapatunayan...?”
“Sa akin? O sa sarili mo? Is this an experiment, or a test?” bilis nyang pag follow-up.
Natulala ako sa sagot nyang yun. Hindi ko akalaing sa kabila ng kalasingan nya ay magawa pa nyang ma-corner ako. Hindi ako nakaimik.
“Carl, sasabihin ko to sa yo: alam kong matalino ka, at naamoy ko, nilalaro mo lang ako e. Magaling ka, kaya espesyal ka sa akin, alam mo ba yun? Dahil ibang-iba ka sa lahat ng mga naging estudyante ko. Kumbaga, there is special and interesting about you. But don’t get me wrong; it’s not your looks; it’s your intelligence and the way you look at things, sa age mong yan. At nalulungkot ako dahil sa kabila ng talino mo, you are misdirecting it, stifling its full potential, and in the process heading yourself to self destruction. Nanghihinayang ako. You are a genius, but with the mindset of an idiot. How to correct that mindset is a great challenge for me bilang guro mo. Maaring masama ang loob mo sa akin sa approach ko sa iyo; but I got to do what I think is right. At alam ko, you want to resist and make your own game plan. Ngayon, kung kasali sa game plan mo ang kundisyon na makikipag sex ako sa yo para lang pumasok ka sa klase ko, sige, sasakyan kita jan. But I got my game plan too. And in the end, let us see whose game plan succeeds...” Tumayo sya at kahit groggy, tuluyang hinatak pababa sa sahig ang kanyang jeans at brief.
Mejo tinamaan ako sa sinabing yun ni Sir James. Hindi ko akalaing masabi nya na ako ay espesyal. Hindi ko lang maintindihan at matanggap kung bakit ganun ang approach at pagtrato nya sa akin. Alam kong sa talino at husay ni Sir James bilang isang guro, may malalim syang ibig sabihin at ipinahiwatig. Para akong natauhan at nagdadalawang-isip kung ituloy pa ang binabalak.
Nung makita ko ang biglang paghubad niya ng lahat ng saplot sa harap ko, may ibang kiliti akong naramdaman at tila nabura din bigla lahat sa isipan ang mga katagang binitawan nya tungkol sa akin. Lalo akong humaga sa ganda ng porma ng katawang hunk na hunk ang dating.
Nilapitan ako ni Sir, hinawakan sa kamay, pinatayo at sya na mismo ang nagtanggal ng jeans at brief ko. Biglang gumapang sa buong katawan ko ang sarap na hindi maipaliwanang. At naramdaman ko na lang ang pagtigas ng aking pagkalalaki. Hinalikan ako ni Sir sa bibig, nagdikit ang aming mga katawan. Para kaming nagsasayaw, nagyayakapan, nagkiskisan ang mga dila habang ang mga ungol ay nagingibabaw sa buong kwarto at katahimikan ng gabi. Hanggang sa tuluyan naming naipalabas ang init ng aming mga katawan at bugso ng pagnanasa.
Nung mahimasmasan, hindi ako makapaniwalang nagawa ko ang bagay na iyon. Nalilito, binabagabag ng maraming katanungan ang isipan.
Tiningnan ko si Sir an nakatihaya sa kama. Sa sobang kalasingan, tila walang buhay at walang kamalay-malay sa mga pangyayari. “Maalala kaya nya ang pianggagawa at ang nangyari sa amin sa gabing iyon” tanong ng isip ko.
Ngunit hindi ko na pinapahalagahan pang malaman ang kasagutan. Ang importante sa akin, ay nagtagumpay ako sa aking misyon: ang sikretong makunan ng video clip ang eksenang naglabas-masok sa bibig ni Sir James ang pagkalalaki ko, na sya kong gagamitin sa plano kong pag-blackmail sa kanya...
(Itutuloy)
----------------------------------------------
Idol Ko Si Sir (Part 3)
Kagaya ng napagkasunduan, pinasukan ko ang subject ni Sir James. Ngunit hindi na kagaya ng dati na ibinuhos ko ang oras at talento sa kakaresearch at pagpapapapel sa mga discussions. Nakaupo lang ako sa isang gilid, kung anu-ano ang pinagkakaabalahan. Nanjan yung nang-iinis sa kaklase, nagdo-drawing ng mukha ng kung sinu-sino, lumalabas paminsan-minsan, o kayay natutulog. Kumbaga, taken for granted at respeto ko na lang sa napag-kasunduan. Pag may test, sina-submit ko kaagad ang test papers kahit walang laman, o drawing lang ng mukha ni Sir James ang nasa papel. Ang importante para sa akin ay di nya na ako iniipit, iniinsulto, pini-pressure. Higit sa lahat, hindi na rin nya ako pinapahiya sa harap ng klase. “Bakit pa ako magpapakahirap jan, e ipapasa din naman ako neto, dahil kung hindi, malaking eskandalo ang mapagpipyestahan sa campus na to. Hawak-hawak ko yata ang video clip na magpapatunay kung gaanu kagaling sumuso si Sir, hehehe... Sarappppp talaga ng buhay!” sambit ng utak kong naalipin ng kademonyohan.
Natapos na lang ang semester, ni hindi kami nag-papansinan. Ang hindi ko maintindihan ay ang nararamdaman ko. Oo, natuwa ako’t para akong ibong nakalaya sa bagsik ni Sir James, ngunit sa kabilang dako, parang may kaunting kirot din sa akin ang biglang pagbabago ng setup. Kung dati, sa akin nakatutok lahat ang attention ng buong klase at ako ang bida at iniidolo dahil sa pagiging palaban sa mga pang-aalaska ni Sir James, sa pagkakataong yun ay pakiwari koy biglang nawalan ng sigla ang mundo ko. Parang may malaking kulang... Na-miss ko ang kasiglahan ng klase, ang pagtatawanan nila at pagsasali sa mga argumentong nabuo dahil sa mga sagutan ng tanong at kontra-tanong namin ni Sir James. At ang higit na nagpapakirot sa dibdib ko ay ang lungkot sa mukha ni Sir. Ibang-iba na sya. Hindi na sya yung dating Sir na masayahin, buhay na buhay sa klase, at may ngiting nakakakahawa at nakakabighani. Nawala na ang dating sigla nya. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit ganun ang nararamdaman ko sa sandaling makita ang malungkot nyang mukha. Paminsan-minsan, pumapasok na lang sya sa isip ko at napapatulala na lang bigla. Minsan naman, parang gustong-gusto ko syang makita. Ngunit binale-wala ko nalang. Nanaig pa rin sa akin ang pride sa nararamdamang tagumpay laban sa kanya. “Kaw kasi, hindi mo muna tiningnan kung sino’ng makakabangga mo” sabi ko sa sarili.
Nung bigayan na ng grades, tuwang-tuwa kong kinuha ang card at excited na excited. “Gaano kaya kataas ang grades na ibinigay ni Sir James sa akin? Flat 1.0 kaya? Hehehe” tanong ko sa sarili. Dahil kasama ko ang kaibigang si Ricky, pagmamayabang kong ibinigay sa kanya ang card. “Tol, basahin mo nga at ikaw na ang magsabi kung gaano kabait ni Sir James sakin. Ano dre, flat 1.0 ba ang grade ko sa kanya, ha?”
Nung tiningnan na ni Ricky ang card, laking gulat ko na lang ng, “Hahahahahaha! INC. Tol, INC! Ganyan kabait si Sir James sa iyo! Nasa line of one ang grades mo sa lahat ng mga subjects maliban sa kanya – incomplete, hahaha!”
Sa sobrang hiya ko, dali-dali kong tinalikuran si Ricky at deretsong pumunta sa Faculty Room. “Magtutuos tayo ngayon, Mr. James Cruz. Talagang gusto mo akong kalabanin ha? Sige...” ang sigaw ng utak kong nanggagalaiti.
Dinatnan ko si Sir James sa Faculty Room at nagliligpit ng mga personal na gamit, pansin ko ang sobrang lungkot sa kanyang mukha. “James! Don’t do this to me, ok! I attended your stupid class based on what we agreed, remember nung mag-inuman tayo? Why didn’t you comply with what we agreed? What did you do to my grade? Answer meee!!!” ang sigaw ko habang nasa pintuan palang ng Faculty Room, hindi alintana ang iba pang guro at madre sa paligid.
“Hey, hey! Let’s talk this over at the Conference Room, ok? Come follow me. ”Ang kalmante nyang sagot habang nagmamadaling lumabas patungong Conference Room. Sumunod ako.
Nung nasa loob na kami nang naka-lock na Conference Room, “Ok, Mr. Miller, you are free to scream or to hit me. Come on, give me your best shot!” ang pasigaw nyang sabi habang hinila pataas ang sleeves pagpapahiwatig na handa syang makipag-suntukan.
Mejo nag-init ang tenga ko sa inasta nyang yun kayat sinugod ko sya kaagad para paulanan ng suntuk ang mukha. Ngunit naunahan nyang puliputin ang isang braso ko na halos mawalan na ako ng ulirat sa tindi ng sakit habang ang isang braso nya ay ini-lock sa leeg ko. Halos hindi ako makakilos at makahinga. Nasa likuran ko sya, ang katawan namin ay nagkadikit. Hindi ako makapaniwala sa bilis ng pangyayari at sa galing nya sa martial arts.
“Ok, Mr. Miller, you want to talk things over the easy way or the hard way?” ang matigas at pagalit nyang bulong sa tenga ko habang nasa ganun kaming tensionadong ayos, parehong habol-habol ang paghinga. Dahil sa idiniin nya ang bibig nya sa tenga ko, amoy an amoy ko ang hininga nya habang nagsasalita. Kahit ako nasa ganung katinding galit, bigla nalang pumasok sa isip ang nangyari sa flat nya nung malasing sya at umihi sa CR, nakasandal sa katawan ko. Yun nga lang, baligtad ang puesto namin dahil sya na ang nasa likod. Parang may sumundot na kiliti sa akin ang tagpong iyon at unti-unting nalusaw ang galit ko.
“Urkkk! James, pakawalan mo ako please... I’ll talk to you, I’ll talk to you!”
“Marunong ka naman palang mag-please. Ok, then let’s do it the easy way. Shoot your question!” Pinakawalan nga nya ako, naupo kami, magkaharap at nanggagalaiti sa galit ang titig nya sa akin.
“Why did you give me an INC?” ang tanong ko kaagad sa kanya.
“Ow, good question, Mr. Miller... and I’m dying to really hear that question from you. Sa tingin mo ba, kung ikaw ang nasa kalagayan ko at ako ang nasa iyo, would you give me a good grade? Pasalamat ka’t INC lang yun, not an outright failure...”
“Di ba ang usapan lang naman natin ay mag-attend ako sa subject mo?” ang mabilis kong sagot.
“Exactly! But remember Carl, hindi sinehan ang pinapasukan mo. It’s a damn class! And what do you expect to do in a stupid class? Siguro naman alam mo, di ba? Do I need to remind?”
Hindi ako nakapagsalita. Naisip ko na lang na kahit kailan, hindi ako nakakalusot sa mga katwiran niya. Palagi akong pinapahirapan, palagi nalang akong talunan.
Naisip ko ang cp at kinapa iyon sa bulsa ko. “OK... fine. Pero heto, may ipakita ako sa yo. Easy ka lang...” At pini-play ko nga ang video clip n akuha ko nung malasing sya at may nangyari sa amin sa flat niya. Tiningnan nya ito.
Ngunit hindi pa man natapos ang clip, “Ah, blackmail...? Ow come on, Carl, don’t be so hard on yourself. Alam mo, dapat magpakalalaki ka e. If you want to achieve something, then work hard for it. Napakaganda ng feeling kung ang isang bagay ay nakuha mo dahil pinaghirapan mo, o pinagpawisan. Napakadaming tao sa mundo na deprived sa mga bagay na nasa iyo na, naghirap, nag-invest ng dugo at pawis para lamang makamit ang mga kahit simpleng bagay na kagaya ng damilt o sapatos. Karamihan nga ay hindi na makapag-aral. May iba nga jan, hindi makakain kung hindi binibilad ang katawan sa araw o magbanat ng buto. Yung iba, ni hindi na iniisip ang ibang bagay na taken for granted na lang ng mga taong katulad mong spoiled brat dahil ang mas mahalaga sa kanila ay kung ano ang ilalagay na pagkain sa mesa. Yung iba nga e kahit mesa wala, at yung iba naman ay nakakatulog na lang na walang laman ang sikmura... Alam ko yan dahil isa ako sa kanila nung maliit pa ako, walang magulang lumaki sa hirap. Nagreklamo ba ako? Gumawa ba ako ng masama? Namblackmail ba ako? Hindi Carl. Bagkus, naging mas tumibay pa ang hangarin kong magsikap at magpursige… Ngunit ikaw, heto, blackmail ang puhunan sa isang napakaliit na bagay na kayang-kayang kamtin sa malinis na pamamaraan. Don’t you feel guilty and ashamed? Wow naman Mr. Miller... Na-experince mo na ba ang tinatawag nilang ‘peace of mind’ and ‘inner satisfaction’? O kaya’y kahit yun nalang sarap ng feeling sa pagkamit ng isang bagay na pinaghirapan at pinagpawisan? Itanong mo nga minsan yan sa sarili mo para magkaroon ka naman kahit papanu silbi sa mundo. Anyway, whatever you think makes you happy, then go for it; I don’t care a bit. At oo nga pala, today is my last day. I am leaving this school dahil... sasabihin nalang nating I failed as a teacher. May isang estudyante akong in the beginning I thought kaya kong baguhin ang baluktot na pananaw at gawing huwaran ng mga kabataan. Nagkamali ako sa challenge na iyon para sa sarili. I guess I was just too ambitious... Hindi ko alam kung saan pupunta after today but kaya ko namang mabuhay sa isang malinis na pamamaraan; na hindi gumagamit ng dahas, intimidation, o pambablackmail. Sanay ako sa hirap; sanay ako sa mabibigat na trabaho... Ang importante, wala akong tinatapakang tao, walang inaagrabyado o iniipit...” Nahinto sya ng saglit at binitiwan ang napakalalim na buntong-hininga. “Sayang lang ang lahat ng nasimulan ko dito... para sa mga estudyante. Anyway, I guess it’s goobye, Mr. Miller; nice meeting you here” dugtong nya sabay tayo at extend ng handshake. “By the way, a few words of advice: napaka-swerte mo sa buhay, Carl, I think it’s time for you to count your blessings, be happy with what you have, and be a positive contribution to the humankind.” Pahabol nyang sabi bago tuluyang lumabas ng conference room at isinara ang pinto.
Para akong napako sa pagkakaupo at sinampal ng maraming beses. Hiyang-hiya ako sa sarili, di malaman kung anong gagawin. Umuwi ako ng bahay na puno ng kalituhan, pagsisisi at panghihinayang. Di ko alam kung bakit ako nalulungkot at tumulo na lang ang luha. Siguro ay dahil sa mga sinabi nya na tumatagos sa puso at isipan ko, lalo na nung malaman kong galing din pala sya sa kahirapan, naghirap ang mama nya at nagbanat sya ng buto para lang makatulong sa pamilya at makamit ang tagumpay. At naalala ko ang Mom ko, ang mga paalala nya, ang mga pinagdaanan nyang hirap sa buhay sa pagkamatay ng Dad, ang mga paghihirap nya sa pagpapalaki sa akin, at ngayong heto ako, malaki na sana at imbes na tatayong katuwang at kakampi nya sa dinaanang hirap, ako pa itong nagdagdag-pahirap sa kanya, at binale-wala ang mga bagay na nakamtan at tinatamasa ko dahil sa pagsisikap nya. “Tama si Sir James... napakaganda ng mga sinasabi nya” ang bulong ko sa sarili.
Kinaumagahan, sinadya kong pumunta ulit ng school. Bulung-bulongan na ang pag-resign ni Sir James. Marami ang nanghihinayang. Biglang lumakas ang kabog ng dibdib ko, at di maipaliwanag ang nararamdaman. Halos tumulo na ang luha ko nung maisipang puntahan ang Faculty Room at alamin kung umalis na ba talaga si Sir.
“Ay, Mr. Miller, I think he’s still on his way to the bus terminal papuntang airport...” ang sabi ng isang gurong napagtanungan ko.
Dali-dali akong pumuntang terminal. Hindi ako nahirapang hanapin si Sir James dahil pinapaligiran sya ng maraming mga estudyanteng nag send-off sa kanya sa terminal, yung iba ay umiiyak. Nung mapansin nilang nandun ako, nagbigay-daan sila para makalapit ako kay Sir. Ramdam ko sa mga tingin nila ang matinding galit nila sa akin.
Nung magkaharap na kami, lumakas ang kabog ng dibdib ko, at di malaman kung ano’ng sasabihin. Hiya, panghihinayang, lungkot at pagsisisi ang naghalong nararamdaman. Di ko rin maintindihan ang excitement na nadama nung makitang nakangiti sya sa akin. Parang gusto kong umiyak. “Hi James...” ang nasambit ko lang.
“Hi, Carl!” ang maigsi rin nyang tugon.
“E... Sorry nga pala sa lahat. Marami akong mga pagkakamali at hindi ko alam kung paanu mai-prove ang pagsisisi ko. Sana, nandito ka pa sa school. Dito, maraming nagmamahal sa iyo, marami ka na ring nagawa at nasimulan. At nahirapan akong patawarin ang sarili dahil sa pagiging dahilan ng iyong pag-alis. Hiyang-hiya ako sa iyo, sa mga estudyanteng nagmamahal sa iyo...” ang sabi ko, di malaman ang sunod pang sasabihin.
“Hahaha! Wag ka ngang mag-drama jan Carl. Wala na sa akin yun. Pinatawad na kita at masaya ako at nakapag-isipisip ka rin. At, tungkol jan sa pruweba na nagsisi ka, isa lang ang gusto kong gawin mo. Puntahan mo si Prof. Fuentes, nandun lahat ang instruction ko para sa iyo; kung ano ang dapat mong gawin para mabura ang INC mong grade. Pag ipinasa mo iyon ng maigi, maniniwala na talaga ako na nagsisisi ka na.”
“I’ll do it, James, thank you.”
“And I want your best, Carl. Show it to me!”
“Yes Sir!”
Nag-offer na sya ng shakehand dahil umandar na rin ang bus. Ngunit imbis na tanggapin ko ang kamay nya, niyakap ko sya ng mahigpit. Natawa nalang sya at tinugon nya na rin ang yakap ko. Nagpalakpakan ang mga estudyanteng kapaligid at nakatingin sa amin.
Habang papalayo na ang sinasakyan nya, binuksan nya ang bintana at pahabol syang sumigaw sa akin, “Hey, hindi nga pala tinanggap ang resignation ko!”
“Ha? Talaga?” ang sagot kong patakbong hinahabol ang bus. Hindi ko na rin narinig ang sagot pa nya at nag-gesticulate na lang syang parang ang ibig sabihin ay “Sa pagbalik na lang nya...”
Parang gusto kong maglulundag sa tuwa sa narinig kong pahabol nyang iyon. Itatanong ko pa sana kung bakit pa sya aalis kung hindi naman pala tinanggap ang resignation nya. Pero hinayaan ko nalang at napakalayo na ng bus. Ang mahalaga, hindi pa rin pala sya mawawala sa sunod na pasukan. At sa oras na iyon pa lang hindi ko na napigilan ang excitement an nadarama na makita syang muli, at maipakita sa kanya kung paano ko galingan ang task na ibinigay nya sa akin.
(Itutuloy)
---------------------------------
Idol Ko Si Sir (Part 4)
Pinuntahan ko si Prof Fuentes sa mismo ding araw na galing akong mag-send-off kay Sir James. Dun ko nalaman ang dahilan ng pag-alis nya. Ipinadala pala sya sa isang National Convention sa Maynila at pagkatapos, dideretso na sa isang special training. Mga dalawang buwan din sya dun. Imbis daw kasi na tanggapin ng school president ang resignation nya, binigyan pa sya ng promotion bilang Dean ng Student Affairs ng College.
“Ang tindi talaga ni Sir James! Ambagsik!” sabi ko sa sarili. Dun ko na rin napag-alaman ang assignment ko, “Immersion”.
“What is that, professor?” ang tanong kong parang biglang kumati ang anit ng ulo.
“Mr. James Cruz had contacted a family in the rural area to be your adoptive family. You will stay with them for two months, share family works and routine, eat what they eat, and live like you were a true member of the family. You will be required to make anecdotals or daily journals of your experiences and at the end of your immersion, you need to submit a detailed report, stating the lessons and values learned if any, and an analysis of societal and/or political impact of the lives of the people with whom you were ‘immersed’ with.”
Parang gusto kong matulala sa narining. “Medjo malalim at mahirap. Pero… kayang-kaya ko yan.” ang bulong ko sa sarili.
“And, you are not allowed to bring with you any electronic gadgets, not even your cp which will be of no use anyway because there is no signal in the area. You need only to bring a handful of shirts, jeans, shorts and underwear. You can bring cash but you are not required to use it unless in an emergency situation. The family will take care of your needs. Take note that Mr. James Cruz will be checking with the family whether you have fully complied with the rules. And one thing more, I need you to fill this up, to be signed by your parent or guardian.” Iniabot nya ang isang papel na parang waiver. “Is there any question?”
Magreklamo sana ako ngunit naalala ko ang promise sa sarili. “Ganun ba ka-delikado yang immersion na yan na kailangan pa ng... Ahhhh! Hanggang dito ba naman, pinapahirapan pa rin ako ni Sir? Pero, Kakayanin ko to para sa iyo Sir James, at para na rin sa sarili ko at sa Mom ko” pang-aamo ko sa sarili. “I have no questions, professor.” ang sagot ko nalang.
“Ok, then, good luck, Mr. Miller and tomorrow, you should be here at 7am with the signed waiver; someone will pick you up to drop you to your assignment.”
Kinabukasan, wala pang alas syete nandun na ako sa school, dala-dala ang waiver at ang kakaunting personal na gamit sa isang knapsack base sa instruction sa akin ni Prof Fuentes.
Sinundo nga ako at inihatid sa lugar. May mahigit apat na oras din ang biyahe at dahil sa dumating na kami sa kung saan makitid at mahirap ang daan papasok, naglakad pa kami ng halos dalawang oras. Puro malalaking kahoy, mahahabang damo, kawayan at pataniman ng nyog ang nadadaanan namin. Tumawid din kami ng dalawang maliliit na ilog, at umakyat sa isang matarik na burol. Halos mawalan na ako ng ulirat sa hirap ng paglalakad at dinaanan namin. Hingal-aso ako nung makarating. “Sa wakas...!” sigaw ko sa sarili.
Maaliwalas ang bahay ng adoptive family ko, yari sa kawayan, at ang atip ay nipa. Dahil nasa bukid, halaman at kahoy ang mga nakapaligid, at sa buong lawak na saklaw pa ng paningin ay makikita ang mga puno ng niyog. Napakapresko ng hangin at pakiwari koy napaka-simple ng pamumuhay ng mga tao.
Sinalubong kami ng mag-asawang nasa edad mahigit kwarenta at mga anak nila, “Kumusta, Carl, welcome. Wag kang mahiya sa amin at isipin mong tunay kang bahagi ng pamilya. Tawagin mo akong Tatay Nando, at heto naman si Nanay Narsing mo” ang sabi ni Tatay Nando habang nag-handshake kami at pagkatapos ay si Nanay Narsing naman. “Heto ang mga anak namin – si Anton, 16 ang edad, si Dodong, 14, si Clara, 11, at ang bunso, si Letecia, 9. Yung panaganay namin, si Maritess ay nasa syudad pa, nag-aaral kasi ng kursong Education, at nagsa-summer class para hindi masyadong mabigat ang subjects nya sa darating na semester” pagpapaliwanag ni Tatay Nando habang isa-isa kong kinamayan ang mga adoptive brothers and sisters ko.
Sa nakikita kong anyo nila, naiisip ko kaagad na sanay sila sa mabibigat na trabaho. Madungis at gusgusin ang mga suot, at sunog ang mga balat, naka-paa lang sina Anton at Dodong at mapapansin ang makakapal na kalyo sa kanilang mga paa. Kitang-kita sa mga mukha nila ang galak at paghanga sa postura ko. Siguro dahil sa pananamit, kinis at mestisong balat at tangkad. Kaya pati na rin mga kapitbahay, lalo na mga bata ay naki-usyoso. Akala nila siguro artista ang nakita nila.
“Ah, mga kapitbahay, eto pala si Carl Miller, estudyante ni James. Dito sya titira sa bahay ng mga dalawang buwan at tutulong sa mga gawain” ang pagpapakilala sa akin ni Tatay Nando sa mga kapitbahay.
“Magandang araw po sa inyong lahat” Pag-greet ko sa mga nakapaligid at nag-uusyosong mga kapitbahay.
Sumiksik sa isip ko na itanong kung bakit nila kilala si Sir James. Ngunit di ko nalang itinuloy. “Siguro may contact lang sila dahil sa assignment ko na to” sabi ko an lang sa sarili.
Nung magpaalam na ang guide ko pabalik sa school, pumasok kami ng bahay kung saan naka-hain na ang pananghalian. Pagpasok pa lang ay sala na kaagad kung nasaan nandun na rin ang kusina sa may dulo. Walang mga upuan at lamesa.
Bago kumain, napansin ko ang kakaiba nilang nakasanayan. Sa isang maliit na planggana may tubig at dun sila naghuhgas ng kamay, halos sabay-sabay hanggang sa ang tubig ay magkulay brown na. Para akong nandiri at nagdadalawang-isip kung maghugas din ng kamay dun. Ngunit naalala ko ang instruction ni Prof Fuentes na dapat akong mag-adapt sa kanila. Naisip ko rin na baka ma-offend sila kung di ako maki-sali. Kayat kahit alam kong madumi na ang tubig na hinuhugasan ng kamay ko, pilit kong iwinaksi iyon sa isipan.
Kamayan habang kumakain sa ulam na inihanda – tinolang native na manok, inihaw na isdang matabang, at ginataang gabi. At dahil sa walang lamesa, sa papag kami kumain. Ibang-iba ang lasa ng kanilang luto kesa sa mga pagkaing na-oorder sa restaurant o nakasanayan ko na. Medyo matabang at walang betsin. Dun ko natikman ang talagang tunay at sariwang lasa ng niluluto; walang preservatives, walang artificial flavors, o additives.
“Ansarap pala dito!” sabi ko sa kanila habang kitang kita ko ang sarap na sarap nilang pagsubo.
Nangiti na lang si Tatay Nando.
“Bukas, tayong mga lalaki, alas-kwatro palang, gising na dahil marami pa tayong gagawin” sabi ni Tatay Nando habang kumakain pa kami.
Sa unang gabi ko ay ramdam ko na ang hirap ng pagsubok. Feeling ko nasa ibang mundo ako. Walang koryente, walang TV, walang radyo, walang internet o texts messages man lang, at higit sa lahat, walang sigarilyo. Para akong mababaliw. Naninibago din ang katawan ko sa higaang kawayang sahig na nilalatagan lang ng banig. Mangiyak-ngiyak ako sa hirap.
Naka-idlip lang ako ng bahagya at namalayan ko na lang na gising na ang lahat. Kahit mabigat ang katawan, pinilit kong bumangon at sumama kina tatay Nando sa gawain sa nyogan na pinagkakatiwala sa kanila – sa paghahakot ng nyog, pagbabalat, pagbibiyak, hanggang sa pagpatuyo nito gamit ang pugon. At dahil hindi sanay ang katawan sa ganung klaseng bigat na gawain, sa pakiwari koy hindi matapos-tapos ang trabaho, napakabagal ng oras at napakainit. Nanginig at sumakit ang buo kong katawan, naligo sa pawis, kumirot ang sikmura, at humapdi ang balat. Kinabukasan at sa sunod pang mga araw, ganun pa rin ang routine. Gusto ng bumigay ng katawan ko. Ngunit pinilit ko ang sariling labanan ang mental at physical na epekto nun sa akin. Ginawa ko ang lahat para matuto at maka-adapt sa ganung klaseng pressure.
Sa ilang araw lang, nakabisado ko rin ang routine at takbo ng trabaho. Kahit ang nakakatakot na pag-akyat ng puno ng nyog ay nagawa ko na rin. At hindi naman ako nabigo sa ipinamalas na sipag at determinasyon dahil natuwa sa akin sina Tatay Nando at mga foster brothers ko. Nasaksihan nila kung paano ko sila sinabayan sa trabaho kahit hirap na hirap ako; kung paano ako nag-adapt sa pamumuhay nila. Halos araw-araw, yun ang routine namin. Kung hindi naman, nagbubungkal ng lupang taniman, o nag-aararo, o kaya’y nag-iigib ng tubig-inumin isang kilometro ang layo.
Napag-alaman ko na kung bakit nila pinag-igihang doblehin ang volume ng pagko-copra nung season na iyon. Ito ay dahil kailangan nila ng pantustos ng tuition fee ng panganay nilang anak na si Maritess na nasa college na at ang iba ay pambayad sa utang. Dahil pa nga dito, sinakripisyo na rin nila pansamantala ang pag-aaral nina Anton at Dodong. Kapag nakatapos na si Maritess saka na ulit sila mag-aaral, at susuporta na rin si Maritess sa pag aaral nila kapag siya naman itong makapagtrabaho.
Ngunit dun lubusang naantig ang puso ko nung magkasakit ang bunsong si Letecia at kailangang dalhin sa ospital. Wala silang pambayad at kahit nandun na sa mismong ospital ang bata ay di pa rin maasikaso ng duktor dahil sa walang maipakitang pambayad ang mga magulang. Iyak ng iyak si Nanay Narsing at Tatay Nando at nagmamakaawa sa mga duktor ng hospital. Parang dinurog ang puso ko sa tagpong iyon. Buti nalang nandun ako at may dalang pera at inako ko ang pagbayad. Ayaw sanang tanggapin nina Tatay Nando ang offer ko dahil mahigpit daw ang bilin ni Sir James na wag tatanggap ng pera galing sa akin. Subalit, inisist ko na ako ang bahalang mag explain dahil sa emergency naman ang sitwasyon na iyon.
Abot-langit ang pasasalamat ni Tatay Nando sa akin nung gumaling na si Letecia. “Alam mo, Carl, kalusugan ang puhunan namin sa buhay. Kahit ganito lang kami, masaya na kami wag lang magkasakit ang isa sa amin. At napaka-swerte pa rin namin dahil sa hindi sakitin ang pamilya ko, ngayon lang ito nangyari. Sa hanapbuhay naman, kahit papanu, may lupain kaming tina-trabaho, tinataguyod, at nakakain ng tama. Basta wag lang talagang magkasakit, yun lang ang hiling ko. At malaki rin ang pasasalamat ko dahil biniyayaan kaming mag-asawa ng mga masisipag, mababait, at masunuring mga anak. Sila lang ang maipagmamalaki ko.”
Tumayo ang balahibo ko sa narinig. Hindi ko akalaing sa kabila ng tindi ng kahirapan nila, magawa pa ring magsabi ni Tatay Nandong maswerte sila. Ang nasabi ko nalang sa sarili, “Napaka selfish ko... heto ang isang taong halos magpakamatay na sa hirap at tindi ng trabaho makamit lang ang kapiranggot na pera, anlaki na ng pasasalamat sa klase ng buhay nilang natamo. Ngunit ako, heto, kabaligtaran. Nasa akin na sana ang lahat ngunit hindi ko man lang nakita ang kahalagahan ng mga ito.” At ang isa ring binitiwan nyang salitang tumama sa puso ko ay ang pagka-proud nya sa mga mga anak nya. “Ako kaya? Naging proud din kaya ang Mom ko sa akin sa kabila ng pagiging pasaway ko...?” Hindi ko na napigilang tumulo ang luha.
Sa dalawang buwang pagtira kina Tatay Nando ko na-experience ang masasabing tunay na kahulugan ng buhay, ang pagsisikap, ang magbanat ng buto, ang danasin ang gutom at suungin ang anu mang pisikal na hadlang para lang makakain ng tatlong beses sa isang araw at maitaguyod ang ang mga pangangailangan ng walang ni konting pag-aatubili o hinanaing sa kabila ng lahat ng hirap. Inaamin ko na sa experience na yun, nagbago ang paningin ko sa buhay at sa mga bagay-bagay. Naintindihan ko na ng lubusan ang kahalagahan ng pagsisikap, ang pagsasakripisyo, at ang sarap ng pakiramdam sa kahit maliliit na tagumpay kapag itoy nakamit sa malinis at pinaghirapang paraan, o sa pagharap ng mga pagsubok, at malampasan ang lahat. At naintindihan ko na rin kung bakit sa kabila ng paghihirap ng isang tao ay kaya pa rin nyang humarap sa mundo na puno ng pag-asa at magsabing “napaka-swerte ko pa rin sa buhay...”
Higit sa lahat, naintindihan ko na rin na hindi sa dami ng pera o karangyaan, o bisyo at droga mahahanap ang tunay na kaligayahan.
Tumulo ang luha ko nung araw na makumpleto ko ang task na ibinigay sa akin ni Sir James at kailangan ko nang magpaalam Kina Tatay Nando, Nanay Narsing, Maritess, Anton, Dodong, Clara, at Letecia. Hindi ko lubos maipaliwanag ang nararamdaman. Masakit dahil kahit sa napakaiksing panahon ay naging parte na rin sila ng buhay ko, naging close kami sa isa’t isa, nagsama sa hirap at mga pagsubok at sumuporta sa bawa’t hirap an sinuung. At marami akong natutunan sa kanila na hindi ko natutunan sa loob ng eskwelahan.
Ngunit sa kabilang daku, may saya din sa puso dahil babalikan na ulit ang mundo ko na may malaking pagbabago sa paniniwala at pananaw sa buhay, baon-baon ang mga natutunang magagandang aral.
“Tay, wag po kayong mag-alala, bibisitahin ko po kayo dito. Hindi maaaring hindi ko babalik-balikan ang lugar na to kung saan ko natutunan ang tunay na kahulugan ng buhay” ang paniguro ko kay Tatay Nando bago ko sila inisa-isang akapin.
Tinahak ko muli ang makikitid at matarik na daan pabalik. At sa pagkakataong iyon, hindi ko na nararamdaman pa ang hirap at pagod na naranasan sa unang pagtahak ko doon. Kung tumibay man ang loob at pananalig ko sa buhay, tila ganun din ang katawan ko. Ang paulit-ulit na naglaro sa isipan ay ang mga katagang binitawan ni Sir James sa akin. “Napaka-swerte mo sa buhay, Carl... Count your blessings, be happy, and be a positive contribution to the humankind...”
Sa unang pagkakataon naramdaman ko sa puso ang peace of mind at inner satisfaction. Napakagaan ng pakiramdam. At lalo akong humaga sa kanya. “Tama ka, Sir James, napaka-swerte ko sa buhay... At napaka swerte ko rin na nagkaroon ng isang guro na katulad mo. Promise ko sa iyo na sa paghaharap nating muli, bagong Carl Miller na ang makikita mo; puno ng determinasyon at pagsisikap, puno ng kabuluhan, puno ng pagpapahalaga at pagpursige sa buhay…”
(Itutuloy)
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Idol Ko Si Sir (Part 5)
Nung magkita kami ulit ni Sir James, hindi na sa Conference Room kung hindi sa bago nyang office sa Student Affairs. Nung pumasok ako, nakaupo na sya sa sofa, kagalang-galang ang dating sa suot nyang long sleeves na kulay brown, yellow-and-black tie, slacks, at itim na sapatos, kabaligtaran naman ng sa akin na white t-shirt at faded na maong na may mga butas-butas. Napansin ko rin ang bagong gupit at makintab nyang buhok. Sa loob-loob ko, “Shitttt.... hanep ang dating ni idol!” Umupo ako sa isang upuan sa harap nya, medyo kinakabahan, hindi maipaliwanag ang sobrang saya at excitement. Abot-tenga ang binitiwang ngiti nya sa akin at nang iniabot nya ang kamay, “Wow, ang gara ng office mo James, este, Sir! Iba ka talaga!” ang biro ko at biglang hablot ang kamay nya upang magdikit ang mga katawan namin.
Natawa lang si Sir habang tinugon ang mahigpit kong yakap, halos madikit na ang labi nya sa pisngi ko sa sobrang higpit ng yapos ko sa kanya. Tinapik nya ang likod ko at kinuha na ang report, binasa, umupo ulit sa sofa at tumango-tango. Hindi ko na iniisip pa kung ano man ang grade na ibigay nya sa akin. Ang mahalaga, nagawa ko ng maayos ang task at ibinuhos ko ang best ko. Pero syempre, excited pa rin ako sa magiging comment nya, pinaghirapan ko yata yun.
“I’m impressed! Excellent job, excellent report, excellent presentation, excellent insights!” Ang sabi nya sabay abot ng kamay pag-congratulate sakin.
Para akong lumutang sa ere nung marinig ang comment na yun. “Thank you, Sir! I really put my heart in it.”
“Yeah, and I can feel it still alive and throbbing...” Tumawa sya at tumingin sa akin.
Ngunit natulala na ako at nakatingin na lang sa kanya sa sobrang tuwa. Pakiramdam ko na-hypnotize ako sa sobrang di makapaniwala sa nakitang saya nya sa ginawa ko at sa di maipaliwanag na attraction at excitement sa sobrang pagka-miss sa kanya. “Dati tini-terrorize ako neto pero ngayon, napakabait na sa akin at tinitingala ko na sa sobrang taas ng respeto ko...” ang bulong ng utak ko.
Napansin nya yata na para akong tulala. “Hey, I’m kidding ok? Didn’t you get my joke?” ang pabiro nyang tanong, sabay angat ng palad sa harap ng mukha ko para i-check kunyari kung gumagana ang paningin ko. Natawa na rin ako sa ginawa nyang iyon.
“I know you tried your best, Carl. Nakikita ko sa sunog at puno ng rashes mong balat at mukha, at pagpayat mo” at sabay binitiwan ang malutong na tawa. “And I hope that this won’t just be in the papers, Mr. Miller. I expect to see a different Carl Miller this time – mature, responsible...” Nahinto sya ng bahagya. “Kumusta na pala sina Tatay Anton, Nanay Narsing, Anton, Dodong, Clara, at Letecia?”
“Kilala mo silang lahat?” ang tanung kong naguluhan, di makapaniwalang kabisadong-kabisado nya ang buong pamilya.
“Oo naman. Sila ang umampon sa akin. Nung puslit palang ako at namatay ang mga magulang. Walang kamag-anak ang mga magulang ko dito kaya dahil matalik na kaibigan ng nanay si Nanay Narsing, inampon ako ng pamilya niya. Mabait sila sa akin at itinuturing nila akong tunay na anak. At ngayong nakapagtrabaho na ako, sumusuporta na rin ako kahit papano sa pagpapaaral sa panganay nilang si Maritess. Yan ang kwento ng buhay ko. Lumaki akong mahirap at nagbanat ng buto. Kaya nung malaman ko na anak mayaman ka at spoiled brat at that, na-challenge ako na ipakita sa iyo ang ibang mukha ng buhay na naranasan ko, na naranasan ng marami ngunit hindi mo nakita... para mamulat ka sa kahalagahan ng kung ano man ang meron ka na pinaghirapan pang makamit ng iba. At kung naghirap ka sa dalawang buwan na pananatili mo kina Tatay Nando? Ako, buong buhay – yan ang mundong ginagalawan ko.”
“Ang tindi din pala talaga ng karanasan mo, ano?”
“Oo. At laking pasalamat ko na sa ganung klaseng buhay ako namulat. Dahil dito, naging matatag ang pagkatao ko, ang paninindigan, ang karanasan. Kaya kahit saan ako itapon, mabubuhay ako. At higit sa lahat, sa kanila ko natututunan ang pagpapakumbaba, ang patas na pagsuong sa mga hamon sa buhay, ang sipag at tyaga, ang pagpapahalaga sa trabaho at sakripisyo para makamit ang minimithi... lahat ng iyan utang ko sa kanila.”
“Kaya pala ang galing mo, James. Kaya’t idol talaga kita, sobra! Kahit noon pa mang pinag-iinitan mo ako, idol na kita talaga e. Nainis lang ako sa iyo noon dahil di mo ako pinapansin, hehehe” ang pag-amin kong mejo nahihiya.
“Hahahaha! Sobrang pansin nga kita e kaya kita dinidikdik. Kumbaga, parang isa kang mamahaling gem na kailangang ipolish ng ipolish para lalabas ang buong kinang.”
“Wow naman... lalim! Gem pala ha, ganyan ako ka-especial?”
“Dahil gusto kong mabago ang baluktot mong pananaw at nang sa ganun, pwedi na akong makipag-bonding sa iyo.”
“Hahahaha! Di mo kaagad sinabi. E di sana hindi ka na nahirapan.” sagot kong biro din sa kanya.
“E, at least, naranasan mo kung papanu makagat ng ahas, ang habulin ng putakte, ang pagsisipsipin ng mga lamok at linta ang dugo, ang umakyat ng puno ng nyog, ang gumamit ng itak at lagari, ang mag-araro at magbungkal ng lupa, at higit sa lahat, ang kumain ng tipaklong!”
“Hahahaha!” Sabay kaming nag tawanan. “Maalala ko pala, ba’t di man lang sina Tatay Nando nagbanggit na dun ka pala sa kanila lumaki?”
“Syempre, inexplain ko sa kanila. Alam nila lahat ang buhay mo, at ang kahalagahan ng task na iyon para sa iyo. Alam ko, naawa sila sa iyo ngunit wala silang magawa. Alam din kasi nila na hindi ka matututo kapag ang turing nila sa iyo ay bilang isang espesyal na bisita. Kaya labag man sa kalooban nila, pinabayaan ka talaga nilang magbanat ng buto at maki-hati sa mga trabaho.”
“Ganun ba? Naisahan mo na naman ako James e. Andami mo talagang pakulo. Iba ka talaga, idol! So... flat 1.0 na ba ang grade ko?” biro ko.
Ngumiti sya sabay tingin sa akin. “Di malayo Carl, di malayo...”
At nakamit ko nga ang gradong “1.0” sa subject ni Sir James.
Kagaya ng ipinangako ko sa sarili, ibinuhos ko lahat ng effort at talento sa pag-aaral. Syempre, inspired. At upang mapalapit pa rin kay Sir James na Dean na ng Student Affairs, sumali at naging active ako sa iba’t-ibang college clubs. At ang pinakamalaking karangalan na nakamit ko sa taon na yun ay nung ibinoto ako ng mga estudyante bilang presidente ng student council. Sa buong taon, naging consistent number one din ang pangalan ko sa honor’s list. Kung dati ang bakanteng oras ko ay iginugugol sa barkada at lumalabas halos gabi-gabi at nag-iinum o nakikipag pot session, sa panahon na iyon, mga gawain sa school at pag-paplano ng mga projects an ikabubuti sa mga estudyante at paaralan ang pinagkakaabalahan ko. Pati ang paninigarilyo ay tuluyang tinalikuran ko na rin.
Namangha ang lahat sa ipinamalas kong pagbabago. Naging matindi din ang team-up namin ni Sir James; sya bilang head ng student affairs at ako bilang student leader. Naging mas involved at participative ang mga estudyante sa mga activities at issues, at impressed ang administration sa daming projects na nagawa namin sa school. At lalo pa akong ginanahan sa mga ginagawa dahil sa magagandang feedback at commendations na natanggap. At sa mga kapwa ko estudyante, ako ay kanilang hinahangaan at iniidolo.
Ok na sana ang lahat. Ngunit may isa pa akong issue na hindi masettle-settle at mabigyan ng paraan kung paano ma-resolve: ang nararamdaman ko para kay Sir. Di ko alam kung kaawaan o sisihin ang sarili.
Simula nung mabago nya ang paningin ko sa buhay, humanga na ako ng sobra sa kanya to the point na hindi ko na sya maiwaglit sa isipan. Gabi-gabi o sa panahong ako’y nag-iisa, sya plagi ang laman ng utak ko. At ang nagpapatuliro sa akin ay kung bakit ko nararamdaman sa kanya ang isang bagay na dapat ay nararamdaman ko lang para sa isang babae. Maraming katanungan ang sumiksik sa isipan ko. “Bakit si Sir James pa? Kontento na lang ba ako sa ganito; na kinakalimutan ang sarili? Paano naman ang kaligayahan ko? Kailangan ko bang magsakripisyo at kalimutan ang sarili upang maiwasan ang maaring mangyaring hazzles, madamay si Sir, at masira lahat ang mga magagandang gawain at simulain naming dalawa sa school? Paano kung may nararamdaman din si Sir para sa akin at hindi na lang ako gagawa ng hakbang? At kung halimbawang gagawa man ako ng hakbang para sa nararamdaman ko at ma-frustrate lang, di kaya lalo lang akong masaktan at masira ang tiwala niya at ng mga tao sa akin?”
Oo, nakikita ng mga tao ang ngiti ko sa mga achievements na nakamit at pakikisama ko sa kanila. Ngunit ang hindi nila nakikita ay ang hinagpis at sigaw ng puso ko...
Masakit, at sobrang sakit na sa mga pagkakataong kaming dalawa lang ni Sir ang magsama, magtawanan, o magkwentuhan ng kung anu-anong bagay, ang kalooban koy sumisigaw na sana, mayakap o kaya’y maipadama man lang sa kanya ang damdamin ko.
Minsan, ang ginagawa ko na lang sa mga pagkakataong parang sasabog na ako sa halong pagkalito at lungkot sa gitna ng usapan namin, mag-excuse ako nyan at pupuntang CR. At doon ko ipapalabas ang ngitngit sa sarili.
Marahil ay nagtataka din sya kung bakit may mga pagkakataong bigla nalang akong nalulungkot. At kapag nagtanong nag-aalibi nalang ako masakit ang ulo, sikmura, di maganda ang pakiramdam…
Minsan din may mga oras na gustong-gusto kong mapag-isa. Pupunta nalang ako nyan sa likod ng main school building, uupo sa ilalim ng malaking puno at dun magmumuni-muni na parang gago. “Ganyan talaga siguro kapag na-inlove ka at sa isang ganitong pang klaseng… Ahhhh! Shiiittttt! Ang hirap tanggapin! Nakakabaliw!” ang sigaw ko sa sarili.
Napansin din ng kaibigan kong si Ricky na mayroon akong itinatago kaya’t palagi nya akong niyayayang lumabas. Last day na ng second semester nun nung parang di ko na talaga makayanan at nasumpungan kong sumama sa kanya. Nagbar kami, umurder ng beer.
Mejo nag-init na ang pakiramdam ko nung mag-open si Ricky ng topic. “Tol, buti naman at pinagbigyan mo ako ngayon. Antagal na rin nating di nakapagbonding. Na-miss ko na ang ganito ah!”
“Oo ako nga din eh. Sensya kana. Gusto ko sana kasi ma-maximize ang time ko para sa mga projects...”
“Naintindihan ko naman yun, tol. Pero, mag-enjoy ka naman paminsan-minsan. Remeber, ‘all work and no play makes Carl a dull boy’, hehehe. Bata pa tayo. I-enjoy natin ang buhay.”
“Nag-eenjoy din naman ako sa work ko eh. Kaso...”
“Kaso, ano...?” Mukhang na-excite si Ricky nung di sinadyang nabanggit ko ang salitang ‘kaso...’. “Oh, come on, Carl. Wag kang magkunwari tol, in love ka ano? Sino? Sino ang tangnang swerteng babaeng yan, ha?”
“Yan na nga ang problema tol eh...”
“Putsa, kala ko ba di ka namomroblema sa babae. sa gandang lalaki mong yan? Matalino, mayaman, campus idol, kilabot ng mga chicks, ng mga koleheyala, ng mga guro, ng mga madre, ng mga kung anu-ano pa? Anong pinoprob—“
“Lalaki sya tol.” ang casual kong pagkasabi pag cut sa sinabi nya.
Halos malaglag si Ricky sa inuupuan sa reaksyon nya. “Hah!? Tama ba ang narinig ko, tol na na-inlove ka sa lalake as in capital L-A-L-A-K-E... yung may lawit ng katulad ng sa akin at sa i--”
“Oo. At oo pa.”
Sinampal-sampal ni Ricky ang mukha nya. “Lasing na ba ako, o nakatulog na sa kalasingan? Tol naman... wag mong sabihing sa akin ka na-in love. Kahit ganyan ka kagandang lalaki... sige papatulan na kita” sabay tawa. “Tol, naman, wag kang magbiro ng ganyan please lang.”
“Seryoso nga ako, tol.”
“Shiiiiittttt! Tangina. Seryoso talaga. Ok, fine. Pero bigyan mo naman ako ng panahong mag-isip plis bago kita sagutin... naman o?”
“Tarantado! Hindi sa iyo.” Sabi kong sabay batok sa kanya.
“Raykupo! E, kanino? At bakit? Huhuhuhu! ano ba tong nangyari sa iyo, tangna ka. Sa kadami-dami ng babae jan na nagkandarapa sa iyo. Panu ka ba nagkaganyan, punyeta ka. Huhuhuhuhu!”
“Bago ko sagutin yan, promise ka muna. Una, wag kang mabigla. Pangalawa, atin-atin lang ito. Mai-promise mo ba yan sakin?
“E nabigla na nga ako, e hinayupak ka, ganyan ka pala wala akong kaalam-alam, uhuhuhuhu! Buti di mo ako pinagtripan, leche na iyan, panu ba gamutin yan? Huhuhuhu!”
“Mai-promise mo ba! Yan ang tanong ko! Wag ka ngang mag inarte? Mas ikaw pa ang mukhang bakla jan eh.”
“Ngekkk! At ako pa ngayon? Disgrasya na!”
“Ano mai-promise mo ba? O babatukan kita?”
“Oo na! Sige na, atin-atin lang, promise. Tangina na yan! Uhuhuhuhuhu!”
“Bakit ka ba umiiyak jan, tarantado ka. Sige ka pag nawalan ako ng gana di ko na sasabihin to sa iyo, at iiwanan na kita dito, ikaw pa ang magbayad ng lahat ng inorder nating yan.” ang pasigaw ko ng sabi.
Parang binuhusan ng malamig na tubig si Ricky. “E, sorry tol... di ko kasi alam kung nagbibiro ka lang ba, o talagang seryoso e. Di ko alam kung paniwalaan ang mga sinasabi mo o ano. Di ka naman lasing, di ka naman siguro naka-bato... Seryoso ka ba talaga?” ulit nya.
“Seryoso nga, ano ka ba! E, kung ikaw nga nalilito sa sinabi ko, ako pa kaya...? Nahirapan na ako tol, sobra!” sabi kong sabay hampas sa dibdib.
“Hindi mo ba kayang kontrolin yan? O kaya, ibaling mo na lang sa akin, hehehe, jokes lang pare, pinapatawa lang kita.”
“Kung pwedi nga lang e, bakit hindi. E, kaso... Ewan ko ba, mababaliw na yata ako neto!”
“E, di sabihin mo sa kanya?”
“Ganyan lang ba ka-simple?”
“Alam mo, tol... sa akin lang ha? Pag may gusto akong isang tao o bagay at dumating ang opportunity na pweding i-grab yun, I’d grab that opportunity talaga. Kasi, pag nawala na, o lumampas na ang pagkakataon na yan at hindi ka man lang nag try, buong buhay mong sisisihin ang sarili kung sana sinunggaban mo ang opportunity at ano ang nangyari. Kung ngayon na at susunggaban mo ang chance at sasabihin mo sa tao na mahal mo sya at sasagutin ka nya na ayaw nya o ayaw nya sa iyo, at least, nag-try ka. There’s no harm in trying sabi nga nila. At sabi ko naman sa iyo ngayon na kung mag-exert ka ng effort to try, you have already won 50% of your battle. The other 50% ay yun na yung kung ano man ang maaaring isasagot nya sa iyo.” Ang buong seryosong tugon ni Ricky sa tanong ko.
“You mean OK lang sa iyo na heto, lalaki ako at lalaki rin yung liligawan ko?”
“What’s wrong with that? As long as masaya ka, masaya sya, at wala kayong inaagrabyado o sinasaktang tao... It doesn’t matter. Pero syempre, there is a price to pay, sabi nga nila, lalo na sa pag-ibig. Are you willing to give up something? Halimbawa, can you stand it kung biglang may mga magagalit sa iyo o mag-iba ang tingin sa iyo ng mga tao o kapwa mo estudyante? Or can you accept it if you get suspended or kicked out from the very school which you have learned to love? Can you take it if your mom gets furious with what you have decided to do with your life?”
“Mukhang may punto nga si Ricky.” Ang sabi ko sa sarili. “Thanks tol, kahit papano, meron akong insight galing sa yo.”
“All the time, tol. At kahit ano pa man ang gagawin mo, di mawawala ang respeto ko at saludo pa rin ako sa iyo. Maninindigan ka lang, jan lang ako susuporta sa iyo.” Ang sabi nya sabay extend ng kamay sa fraternal handshake namin at bigay ng hug. “Sandali nga pala... Sino naman yang tangnang lalaking yan? Bubugbugin ko na yan e! Pag nalaman ko kung sino yan ha, heto, dila lang ang walang latay ng taong yan! Sino ba ang lecheng lalaking yan?”
“Si Sir James!”
(Itutuloy)
---------------------------------
Idol Ko Si Sir (part 6)
Natulala si Ricky nung masabi ko ang pangalan ni Sir James. “O, ano, bubugbugin mo na ba?” hamon ko.
“Hah? Indi ah! Ala akong sinasabing ganyan. Ano ka... gusto mong ma-kick out ako sa school? At pareng Carl, ano ka ba naman... Maghanap ka lang ng lalaki sya pa? Kadami-daming lalaki jan sa campus, iba nalang, plis. Kung gusto mo yung sekyu sa main gate, may hitsura yun at sa palagay ko, may crush sa iyo ang tangina dahil kapag pumapasok ka na ng campus, ang lagkit ng tingin sa iyo, e! Kung yun na lang ang pag-tripan mo kaya, makikisimpatiya pa ako, akin yung night shift guard, ehehehehe!
“Gago ka, kahit kailan puro ka katarantaduhan! At akala ko ba sabi mong susunggaban ko pag may opportunity? May pa percent-percent ka pa jan. Ngayon, bubuwelta kana! Atsaka, hindi ako naghahanap ng lalaki, isaksak mo yan sa kokote mo. Para kang di mo ako kilala e!”
“Ok, ok, biro lang po! Pero yung opportunity na sinasabi ko, hindi suicide yun! Magpapakamatay ka na yata eh! Atsaka, nanahimik na yung tao, di ka na pinag-iinitan nun. Wag mo nang buhayin ang nakaraan. Teka...” napahinto sandali si Ricky sabay bitiw ng pilyong ngiti “Di ba nanggagalaiti ka sa galit sa kanya? Uyyyyyy, aminin! Tangna, mukhang kikiligin na ako sa estorya neto ah, ‘the more you hate the more you love’? Yun ba yun? Syeeeeeeeeeeeet!”
“Yun na nga eh. Nagsimula lang naman to nung na-realize ko ang pagkakamali ko at nakita kung paano nya ibinuhos ang oras at attention para lang ako mapatino at kung gaano nya ako binigyang halaga. Nung makita ko ang tatag, ang paninindigan sa kabila ng kung anong hirap ang pinagdaanan nya sa buhay, naaapreciate ko na lahat ng bagay sa kanya. Tangina. Hindi ko na maintindihan ang sarili ko eh! Naaawa, humahanga… at gusto kong nanjan sya palagi sa tabi ko; makita, makausap. Hinahanap-hanap ko na sya, bro!”
“Grabe ka rin ano? Kung makapagsalita ka’y parang babae yang object-of-desire mo, tangina na yan. Hindi kaya ang hinahanap mo lang ay yung sinasabi nilang father-figure? Puslit ka pa kasi nung mamatay ang dad mo, di ba? O kaya’y naghahanap ka ng kapatid, dahil nag-iisa ka lang sa family, o di kaya’y sadyang bakla ka na talaga nung idinuwal ka na ng mommy mo, ehehehehehe!”
“Babatukan na kaya kitang tado ka. Ewan, hindi ko alam.”
Nahinto nalang ako bigla, dala ng tinamaan sa sinabi ni Ricky. “Baka nga siguro... naghahanap lang ako ng father-figure. Simula nung puslit pa lang ako, hinahanap-hanap ko na ang pagmamahal ng isang dad, tinatanong sa sarili kung ano ang feeling kapag ang isang pamilya ay buo at may dad na kalaro, kasama sa pamamasyal, nag-aalaga, nagpo-protekta, nagtuturo ng kung anu-anong bagay, nagbibigay ng advice at guidance sa mga problema...” At muling sumiksik sa isipan ko ang mga sandali na napapaiyak nalang dahil tinutukso sa school, o kaya’y nakikita ang ibang mga batang merong mga daddy na kasama sa pamamasyal. At bumalot na naman ang matinding pangungulila, di namalayang tumulo na pala ang luha ko. Sa hiya, bigla kong tinalikuran si Ricky.
“Hey Bro! Anong nangyari? May nasabi ba akong hindi maganda? Hey! Sama ako, san ka pupunta?!”
“Magpakamatay!” sagot kong pagmamaktol.
“A, ok... Sige, solohin mo nalang” ang biglang pag-urong ni Ricky. Alam niya na pag ganung umaalis na lang akong bigla, gusto kong mapag-isa. Alam ko rin, naguguluhan si Ricky at di makapaniwala sa nalaman nya.
Nagbukas ulit ang school year. Panghuling taon ko na yun sa college at kagaya ng nakaraang taon, pinag-igihan ko ang pag-aaral at mga gawain sa school. Ibinoto pa rin akong student council president at ginalingan ko lalo ang pag-aaral dahil gusto kong makakuha ng honors sa graduation.
Ngunit bumabagabag pa rin sa isipan ang hindi mamatay-matay na naramdaman para kay Sir. Habang tumatagal ito, lalong tumitindi. At kahit masakit, tiniis ko iyon; walang humpay na pagtitiis.
Second semester nung mapagdesisyonan kong gumawa na ng hakbang para dito. At nasumpungan ko ang payo ni Ricky na kapag dumating ang isang pagkakataon, i-grab iyon habang nanjan pa.
“Malapit na kaming maghiwalay ni Sir James. Bago pa man maging huli ang lahat, gagawin ko na ang bagay na to. Malay natin?” ang pag-encourage ko sa sarili.
Sa buong linggo na iyon, pinag-igihan kong maging mas malapit at maging mas sweet pa kay Sir James. Nanjan yung sadyang sasabay talaga ako sa kanya sa pag-uwi at pasakayin sya sa kotse, bibigyan ng kung anu-ano, gaya nalang ng polo shirt o pantalon, mga pocketbooks na paborito nya, souvenir items na binibili ko kung saan-saan, pagkain. At tinatanggap naman nya ang lahat ng ibinigay ko. Hanggang sa nung pinadalhan ko na sya ng mga bulaklak kunyari para sa office nya, kinausap na nya ako tungkol dito.
“Carl, first of all I really, really appreciate your effort and thoughtfulness. I am happy to have seen how you have changed and how you have become the person that everyone looks up to and emulate. As your mentor and friend, I am very proud of you; I mean it. I appreciate all the commendable things that you have done for the studentry and for the school. And there is no doubt that everyone is happy with your performance...”
“So...?” Pag interrupt ko habang nag-iisip sya sa sunod na sasabihin, tila nahirapang i-open ang issue.
“I have just observed that our closeness” pag emphasize nya sa katagang ‘closeness’ “seems to be sending a wrong signal...”
“I don’t get it James, can you go direct to your point?” Ang pag cut ko sa sinabi nya; may halong protesta at pagkainis sa narinig na katagang “wrong signal”.
“Ok... I want to keep a distance.” ang diretsahan na nyang sabi.
“What?!!” Ang nasambit ko sa pagkabigla sa binitiwan nyang salita. “Bakit? Anong nagawa ko?”
“Nothing. I just want it that way, Carl and I hope you will respect that.”
“Sir naman...? Wala naman akong masamang intensyon sa pagbibigay sa iyo ng kung anu-ano ah...”
“Are you sure, Carl?” at tumalikod na patungong pintuan.
Para akong sinuntok sa malaman at matalinghagang sagot na yun ni Sir. “Mukhang natunugan niya ang plano ko...” ang tanong ng utak kong naturete. “Sir, wag naman ganyan. Ano ba ang ginawa kong masama...?” Pahabol kong sigaw habang binubuksan na nya ang pinto palabas ng office. Ngunit hindi na nya ako pinansin.
Simula noon, iniiwasan na ako ni Sir James. Hindi na sya sumasakay sa kotse ko kapag niyaya ko at kapag may ipinabibigay ako sa kanya, ipinababalik nya. Kung pupunta naman ako sa office para i-refer ang mga proposals, iba na ang pakikitungo nya. Kumbaga, purely official business nalang. Hindi na sya nakikipag-usap tungkol sa mga personal na bagay. Sobrang nasaktan ako sa nakitang pagbabago. Kaya isang araw, naisipan ko na lang na gumawa ng sulat at inilagay iyon sa ibabaw ng tray nya.
“Dear Sir James, I am so sorry if I may have bothered you with this letter. But I have no other recourse than to put my thoughts in writing. For the past days, I have observed that you have changed; you are not anymore the professor whom I used to know; the friend who was so accommodating, so thoughtful, and so open with everything; the friend who pays attention even to the senseless things that I say, laughs at my corny jokes, and takes a little of the food that I am about to put into my mouth. You have no idea how this abrupt change has affected me and turned me crazy. Certainly, there must be a reason; a reason that I deserve to know and for which you owe me. Tonight, I will be coming over to your flat. I beg you to please allow me. I need to know what’s going on. Carl Miller.”
Alas 8 ng gabi nung dumating ako sa lugar... Bagong paligo, nilinis at siniguradong mabango ang lahat ng parte ng katawan, at suot-suot ang bagong t-shirt at maong, nakatayo ako sa harap ng gate. Syempre, ibayong kaba ang naramdaman, hindi magkamayaw kung tatanggapin ba nya ang request kong makipag-usap o kusa na lang ba nya akong pagtaguan. Naalala ko ang una kong pag-punta doon.
Halos walang ipinagbago ang kabuuang anyo ng flat ni Sir. Nandun pa rin ang mga matitingkad na pulang bougainvilleas na walang humpay sa pamumulaklak at nagsilbing arko at shade ng gate, ang kulay puting pintura ng mga metal grills, at ang sementong upuan sa gilid nun. “Deja vu?” ang nasambit ko sa sarili at malalim na buntong hininga ang binitiwan.
Hawak-hawak ng kabilang kamay ang isang supot na puno ng setserya at bote ng imported na alak, kumatok ako. Nakailang beses din. Akala ko hindi na ako ulit makakapasok pa sa kwarto na yun nung biglang bumukas ang pintuan. Si Sir James, naka shorts at t-shirt, at halatang bagong paligo. Parang lumundag sa tuwa ang puso ko sa di akalain na paghintay nya sa akin at sa nakitang anyo. Bakat na bakat sa suot nya ang matipunong katawan at ganda ng ipinamalas na ngiti. Ang nasambit ko na lang ay, “Hi James!”
“Hi Carl! Natanggap ko ang note mo so I expected na darating ka. What’s up?” ang sambit nya habang tuluyang binuksan ang pinto at pinapapasok ako.
“Heto, ok lang naman sana but I got some things to clear up...” hindi ko na itinuloy ang sinabi. “Heto pala may dala akong imported wine at pulutan” sabay upo sa sofa.
Tiningnan nya ako. “Sorry but I don’t drink, Carl. Soda drink na lang ang sa akin. Ayokong mangyari ulit yung nangyari dati… Nangyari lang naman iyon dahil you trapped me into doing it, right? Alam mo yun.”
Mejo natigilan ako sa narining. “Ibig sabihin, naalala pa pala nya ang nangyari sa amin...” sabi ko sa sarili na may magkahalong kaba at kiliting naramdman sa pagbukas nya sa issue na yun. “OK, fine... Kinorner kita nun para makainum. At, I’m sorry sa ginawa ko na iyon. I was mean. Pero, alam mo naman na talagang salbahe pa ako nun, diba?” ang pag-amin ko habang inilagay ang wine at mga pulutan sa mesa. “So, ako na lang ang iinum netong dala ko? Isn’t it a little impolite on the part of the host if his guest takes a drink and he’s not joining?” pagparamdam ko.
“Yeah, I think so.” ang mabilis nyang sagot. “But don’t forget that the host can also be polite by showing the door to his guest... Ano, you want me to do it the polite way or the impolite one?”
“Hahahahaha! Ang tindi mo talaga James. Ok, it seems I have no choice.”
Napangiti siya at tumango, “So impolite it is!” Kumuha sya ng isang baso, isang bucket na may ice at inilagay iyon sa mesa. Kumuha din sya ng isang soda drink sa refrigerator, binuksan at habang hawak-hawak, “OK, so ano ba ang napakaimportanteng pag-uusapan natin na kailangan mo pang maglasing?”
Binuksan ko ang bote, nilagyan ng ice ang baso, itinagay ang wine, at pinaikot-ikot ang laman nun saka tinungga. “Ahhhhh, sarap talagang uminom, James, di ka ba nainggit?” sabay lagay ulit ng wine sa baso at ulit, tinungga.
“Hey! Don’t beat around the bush, Carl. I don’t have a day!”
“Wait ka lang, James... sandali lang ha?” at ulit tumungga ako, at tumungga pa. Kitang-kita ko sa mukha ni James ang pagka-asar. Mejo naramdaman kong umiikot na ang paligid nang magsalita na ako. “Pwedi ba, James umupu ka sa tabi ko, please?”
Gusto kong matawa sa request ko sa kanya. Lumakas ang kabog sa dibdib at parang nakikiliti sa naglalarong hindi maganda sa isipan.
Kalmanteng umupo nga si Sir sa tabi ko, malapit pero may konting gap. “Ok, para lang matapos to... Now, go ahead Carl.”
Nag-isip muna ako ng malalim. “Hindi ko alam kung panu sisimulan ngunit ako ay sobrang nasaktan sa pagbabago ng pakikitungo mo sa akin, James. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang nagawa kong mali na kailangan mo akong iwasan. It drives me crazy, James... believe me” ang seryoso at malungkot kong sabi.
“Carl, una sa lahat, hindi kita iniiwasan. Gusto ko lang mag-set ng distance, a certain code, kumbaga. I feel that we have become too close for comfort. Para kasing nasasakal na tayo without even knowing it. Di mo ba napansin ang tingin ng ibang mga estudyante sa ginawa mong pagdidikit sa akin? Hindi lang ako teacher Carl, remember that; I am also an administrator. You should undestand that point. I have a code of ethics to follow; someting that prevents me from being inappropriately and dangerously close to any student – not just you.”
“You mean that our closeness is “inappropriate” or “dangerous”?
“Honestly? Yes. It has become inappropriate. Especially when you sent me those flowers? I felt like a – ugh! – shit.”
“Well then, if it’s the flowers, let go of the flowers. But please James, wag mo akong iwasan. Ibalik natin yung dating closeness natin.”
“Carl, you don’t get me, do you? It’s not about the damn flowers, ok? It’s about sense of propriety and respectability. Don’t you still get it? People are talking about us!” ang pasigaw nyang sabi.
Nagulat ako sa laman ng sinabi nyang iyon. “So, natakot ka sa kung ano man ang sasabihin ng ibang tao kaysa kung ano ang naramdaman ko, ganun ba yun? ang sagot kong pasigaw din.
“Oh I see... I forgot about you. Ok... Bakit, ano nga ba pala ang nararamdaman mo, Mr. Carl Miller? Bakit ba para kang mamamatay na sa maliit na bagay na hiniling ko? Sige nga, sabihin mo!”
Para akong sinampal sa tanong ni James na iyon. Sumisigaw ang isip kung sasabihin na hindi maliit na bagay ang hiniling nya at hindi maliit na bagay ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya. Ngunit nanaig pa rin sa akin ang matinding takot. At akoy napayuko na lang at napahagulgol na parang bata.
Marahil ay dala an rin ng matinding awa, nagulat nalang ako nung yakapin ako ni Sir James na parang may alam sya sa paghihirap ng kalooban ko. Hinaplos nya ang likod ko, ang buhok... Niyakap ko na rin sya, mahigpit na mahigpit... hanggang sa gumapang ang mga kamay ko sa mukha nya. Marahang hinaplos ng mga daliri ko iyon, tinitigan ko sya na ang mga mata ay animoy nakiusap at nagmamakaawa. Hanggang sa unti-unti kong inilalapit ang mga labi ko sa mga labi nya...
(Itutuloy)
---------------------------------------------------
Idol Ko Si Sir (part 7)
Mabilis ang mga pangyayari at naalimpungatan ko na lang na naglapat na ang mga labi namin ni Sir. Hihilahin ko na sana siya pahiga sa sofa nung bigla na lang syang kumalas sa pagkayakap ko at tumayo. “Carl, I have to ask you to leave...” ang tugon nya, habol-habol ang paghinga.
“James, I don’t understand!” sagot kong biglang nanlaki ang mga mata sa pagkalito.
“Just leave Carl, OK?” diin nyang mejo tumaas ang boses.
Parang nag-init ang tenga ko sa narinig at sa naunsyaming halikan. “No, James, unless you give me a really good reason why I should leave. Ano ba ang nangyari sa iyo? Palagi ka nalang ganyang gumagawa ng hakbang na hindi ko maintindihan? Dahil ba sa halik ko? Bakit, di mo ba nagustuhan ang halik ko, ha?” ang pasigaw kong sabi sabay duro sa kanya.
“Wag mong pag-initin ang ulo ko, Carl. I said leave now at baka masaktan pa kita”
“Di saktan mo ako kung gusto mo! Magaling ka naman sa martial arts e, kayang-kaya mo ako!” ang paghamon ko sabay kuha sa bote ng alak at tinungga iyon, at tinungga ulit hanggang sa halos maubos na ang laman nito.
Wala ng magawa pa si Sir kundi ang pagmasdan ako. At para mainis sya lalo, hinubad ko ang t-shirt ko at sumayaw-sayaw sa harap nya. Subalit sa sobrang hilo, naduwal ako na agad naman nyang naagapan at nasalo ang katawan. Pinaupo nya ako sa sofa. Hindi ko na nakayanang tumayo pa at sumuka na lang ako ng sumuka, nagkalat sa carpet at sa sofa. At pati pantalon ko’y nasukahan din. Yun na ang huli kong natandaan.
Mga 9am kinabukasan nung mahimasmasan na ako at magising. Masakit ang ulo, mahapdi ang sikmura, at tila disoriented. “Kaninong kwarto ba to? Bakit ako nandito?” ang tanong ng utak ko. Kinapa ko ang katawan, wala akong suot na damit pang-itaas. Naka shorts pero di ko alam kung kanino. Pilit kong ni-recall ang mga pangyayari hanggang sa naalala ko ang pag-inum, ang pagsasayaw, at ang pagsuka. Bumangon ako at paika-ikang lumakad patungong kusina. Sumalubong kaagad sa pang amoy ko inihandang almusal ni Sir James, nakalatag sa mesa ang fried rice, hotdog, scrambled egg at daing. “Hmmm, ang sarap!” sabi ko sa sarili. Dumeretso na ako sa may wash basin para maghilamos at pagkatapos ay umupo na sa may hapag kainan kaharap ni Sir james na nakaupo na rin at naghintay na lang sa akin.
“Morning Carl! Coffee or milk?” ang tanong niya na nakahanda ang mga kamay na ipasa sa akin ang kung ano man ang pipiliin ko.
“Morning James, coffee please...!” ang maiksi kong tugon at bitiw ng napakagandang ngiti. “Hmmm, ang sarap ng daing! Na-miss ko tong ganito kina Tatay Nando ah!” sabay tanggap sa kapeng ipinasa nya.
“Hahaha! Yeah, sa kanila nga galing yan, dala ni Maritess. Kumusta ka na at kumusta ang tulog mo?”
“Mejo masakit pa ang ulo pero inspired...” Di ko na dinugtungan pa ang sinabi. Nag-uumapaw pa kasi sa isipan ang sarap na nararamdaman bunga ng paghalik ko sa kanya nung nakaraang gabi. Pero sa loob-loob ko, gusto kong magtanong sya kung bakit ako ‘inspired’. “Ganda ng tulog ko, grabe! Wala akong matatandaan kahit na ano. For the first time in my life iyon pa siguro ang tulog kong dire-diretso... Pasensya kana pala sa akin kagabi ha? Ang naalala ko sumasayaw ako tapos yun na, deretso nang bumagsak at nagkalat.”
“Hahaha! Oo nga, lasing na lasing ka. Paanu ba naman, inubos mong mag-isa ang buong bote ng alak.”
Mejo na-disappoint ako ng di sya mag-follow up kung bakit ako inspired. “Ok, fiine” bulong ko sa sarili. “Sorry talaga James, pasensya na... Oo nga pala, sa kama mo ako natulog ah. Ikaw, san ka natulog?” ang tanong ko’ng na-excite sa possibility na nagtabi kami.
“Sa kama ko, syempre. Anlaki nyan eh, kahit isang buong pamilya pa ang hihiga jan, walang problema...”
“Talaga?”
“Talaga!”
“I mean talagang jan tayong dalawa natulog?”
“Oo nagtabi tayo. Bakit may problema ba?”
“Hehehe! Wala naman. E yung pagpalit ng shorts ko, panu mo ginawa?”
“Kakatuwa naman yung mga tanong mo. E di syempre, hinubad ko yung jeans mo. Pinunasan ko pa nga ang buong katawan mo ng hot towel dahil para kahit papanu makakatulong iyon para mawala ang pagkalasing mo?”
“Talaga? Ginawa mo yun? Ahhh, kakahiya!” ang sabi kong kunyari hiyang-hiya, di nagpapahalata na parang malaglag na ang puso sa sobrang galak. “E... di naka-brief lang ako nung pinunasan mo?
“Oo, yeah... yeah” tumango-tango sya, naka-concentrate lang sa pagkain.
“Kakahiya talaga! Shiiiit! E... yung anu ko, hindi naman nagwala?”
“Anong ‘ano’?”
“Hmmmm, kunyari pa to!” bulong ng utak ko. “Yung ano, ito... junior ko” turo ko sa harapan ko, mejo kinilig.
“Ah, hahaha! E... di ko na matandaan eh. Wala naman akong malisya jan, pareho naman tayong may ganyan...”
“Panis! Panis talaga!” sabi ko sa sarili. “E, bakit mo naman naisipang punasan ang katawan ko?”
“Wala akong choice e. nandito ka sa poder ko I have to do what is necessary. Kahit kanino, gagawin ko iyon. Pero so far, ikaw pa lang naman ang may malakas ang loob na uminom dito sa flat ko ng walang pakundangan kung kaya pa ba ng katawan o hindi.” sabay iling at bitiw ng ngiting nang-aasar. “Teka, bakit ganyan ang linya ng mga tanong mo?” dugtong nya.
“Wala lang... nahiya lang ako sa iyo, e. Baka isipin mong bumalik na naman ang pagka-bad boy ko.” palusot ko.
“Don’t worry, I understand...”
“Thanks James. Ambait mo talaga. Teka... nung magtabi tayo sa pagtulog, wala ba akong ginawa, o ginalaw?”
“Wala naman, good boy ka. Kaso, nagsasalita ka habang tulog.”
“Talaga? May naiintindihan kaba”
“Hindi masyado pero yung ‘i love you’ lang. Sino ba yang love interest na yan?”
Feeling ko humigpit ang balat ng mukha ko sa tanong niya. “A, e...” Di ko itinuloy ang sasabihin. Tinitigan ko lang si Sir James.
“Ummm, ano? Bat ganyan ka kung makatitig?”
“Wala lang...” Sandaling nag-isip kung itutuloy bang sabihin ang nilalaman ng kalooban. “A, e... James, pwedi ba akong magsabi sa yo kahit na ano?” ang kagat-labi kong tanong.
“Syempre naman, ikaw pa. Kahit nag-set na ako ng ‘distance rule’ para sa iyo, subalit dahil nandito ka na sa bahay ko, i- suspend ko muna iyan, wala akong magawa. At lubos-lubusin mo na dahil sa susunod, baka hindi na kita payagan pang pumunta dito na nag-iisa, alam mo na ang ibig kong sabihin...”
“Pero promise hindi ka magalit sa maaaring itanong ko?”
“Try me.”
Huminga ako ng malalim. “James... yung nagsasalita ako habang tulog?
“Yes?” sabay subo nya ng pagkain, pinagmasdang maigi ang mukha ko, tila inip na inip at excited sa susunod na bitiwan kong salita.
“Para sa iyo yung ‘I love you’!”
Nabilaukan bigla si Sir, napaubo at kumuha ng tubig habang ramdam ko naman ang pamumula ng mukha ko sa sobrang hiya at di maintindihang bilis na pagkabog ng dibdib.
“Carl, wag kang magbiro ng ganyan, ok?”
“Totoo yan, James. Since last year ko pa nadama sa iyo to, nung simulang magbati tayo at narealize ko ang lahat ng mga pagkakamali ko. Tiniis ko lang, James. Isang taon akong nagtiis. Kaso, hindi ko na talaga makayanan e. Kung napapansin mo minsan kapag nag-usap tayo, malungkot ako. Ikaw palagi ang nasa isip ko, James. Maniwala ka, di ako gumagawa ng gimmik. Di ako nagbibiro. Di ako lasing o naka-droga. Di ko maintindihan ang sarili kung bakit ako nagkaganito. Litong-lito talaga ako, James. Kaya sensya nang nasabi ko to, di ko na talaga kayang itago pa.”
Napailing si James, nag-isip. Di malaman kung matawa o seseryosohin ang narinig. Tinitigan nya ako. “Ok, granting na maniwala ako sa sinabi mo, ano ngayon ang gusto mong mangyari?”
“Yun lang... ang malaman mo kung ano ang naramdaman ko para sa iyo, at ang malaman ko din kung may naramdaman ka sa puso mo para sa akin. Yun lang.”
Natahimik sya ng saglit tila nag-isip kung ano ang isasagot. “Alam mo Carl, hindi issue dito kung may naramdaman ako para sa iyo o wala. Ang issue dito ay kung tama ba o mali – ako, bilang guro at part ng administration ng school at ikaw, bilang estudyante. And in my prudent judgment, that is wrong Carl.”
Tila binuhusan ako ng malamig na tubig at biglang nanlumo. “Ok James, nandun na ako, it’s wrong if you say so, based on some code of something, whatever. But just this question... may naramdaman ka ba para sa akin? Sugutin mo ako, James... and look at me, please?”
Yumuko lang si James, walang binitiwang salita. Dahil dito, nagduda ako na meron din syang naramdaman para sa akin at sadyang itinatago lang nya dahil sa position nya sa school. At ito ang nagpalakas ng loob kong i-convince sya at pakawalan iyon.
“James, I don’t believe in right or wrong sa pag-ibig. Ito’y walang kinikilalang code of conduct, walang rules. Kaya nga hindi mo pweding husgahan ang pag-ibig kung tama o mali ito e, di ba? Ito nga, hindi ko alam kung bakit bigla nalang akong nagkaganito. Can you blame me? Can you say I am stupid? Can I say God is stupid too because he gives me this feeling? But I feel it James. I don’t know why, but that’s the truth and it hurts, and it’s killing me. I can’t deny it, I can’t ignore it, I can’t suppress it. It just came up from nowhere, and that’s it. I know James na sa ginawa kong ito, there is a huge price to pay. But I am willing to give up everything, James – everything, maipaglaban ko lang ang nararamdaman ko para sa iyo!”
“Hindi ko talaga alam, Carl kung matawa o anu. But ok, you are correct in saying that we can’t judge feelings. Feelings per se are amoral. You can’t say if it’s right or wrong, or if it is good or bad. It’s part of being human. But what you do about your feelings makes the difference. If you kill because of love, then that is wrong. If you shoot down a teacher just because you love him, that is selfishness... and it’s not right, is it Carl?”
“So... you mean to say that you have feelings for me too, right, James? And the reason why you don’t want to open it up is because you are bound by your stupid code of ethics, your rules, your professional etiquette or morality standard whatever; because if I ‘shoot you down’ as you said, I am selfish, and that is wrong, am I right, James? Tell me... tell me James!” ang sabi kong pasigaw sa kanya.
Mukhang napikon si Sir sa sinabi ko. “I think you are missing something here Carl and I don’t think this discussion is gonna end up somewhere. I suggest we continue our breakfast and talk things over later, ok?”
“O yeah, now I’m missing something, ha? Hindi naman ako nakikipag-argumento James e. I just asked a simple question and all I need is a simple yes or no. Do you love me? That’s my simple question. Why is it so hard for you to answer that?”
“Babalik na naman ba tayo? I answered you already. And my answer was – and I will say it again – ‘that is not the issue’! Why is it so hard for you to understand? OK, ganito na lang, di ba in two-week’s time ay graduation na? The night before the graduation, I can invite you over. Bale treat ko yan sa iyo because I know that you are a candidate for the top honors. After all, it’s the end of the school year, and maybe we can have a nice, clean bonding before you leave the College and the people you’ve met here. What do you say?”
Kahit bitin na bitin pa ako sa walang kalatoy-latoy na sagot nya, pumayag na rin ako. At least, pumayag sya na mauulit muli ang pagtatagpo namin sa flat nya. “Baka sa pagkakataong iyon, mapilitan na talaga syang sabihin sa akin ang nararamdaman nya o kaya’y bibigay na din syang kusa” bulong ko sa sarili. “Do I have any choice?” ang sagot ko nalang sa tanong nya.
Dumating ang takdang araw, ang araw bago mag graduation at kung kailan kami muling mag-usap ni Sir. Di ko lubos mailarawan ang tunay na naramdaman. Masaya dahil sa wakas, ga-graduate na. At hindi lang basta gagraduate, may honors pang makamit at malamang may mga leadership awards din. Ngunit sa kabila ng lahat, hindi ko maitatwa ang lungkot ding nadarama. Masakit isipin na bilang na lang ang mga araw ko sa campus. Hindi pa ako handang baguhin ang mga routines na nakasanayan, ang mawalay sa pananaw ang mga lugar sa school na palaging pinupuntahan, ang iwanan ang mundong naging bahagi na ng aking buhay. Sa likod ng utak ko ay sumiksik din ang takot ng pagharap sa bukas, ang pagtahak sa landas kung saan ay susuungin ang mga panibagong hamon. Pakiwari koy kulang pa ako sa kakayahang harapin ang mga ito. O baka nga lang siguro, dahil ayaw pa ng kaloobang tanggapin ang pagbabago, ang mawalay sa mga taong natutunan kong mahalin sa tatlong taon kong pag-aaral at pagsisikap sa lugar na iyon, ang mga masasayang alaala, at lalo na ang taong syang nagpapabago ng pananaw ko sa buhay, iniidolo, at sa kalaunan ay minahal – si Sir James. Sumiksik muli sa isipan ang mga nagdaang araw kung saan minamaliit ko pa ang eskwelahan at mga tao doon, ang matinding galit ko kay Sir hanggang sa naituwid nya ang baluktot kong pananaw at tuluyang hindi na sya maiwaksi-waksi sa isipan. Nagsusumigaw ang puso na sana maibalik pa ang panahong iyon o kayay mahabaan pa ang mga araw. Ngunit wala akong magawa kundi ang tanggapin ang masakit na katotohan na kinabukasan o sa makalawa ay ibang klaseng mundo na ang tatahakin ko...
Maaga akong nag-report sa school sa araw na iyon. Palibhasa, may final rehearsals sa graduation at syempre, nakaukit na sa isipan ang pagkikita namin ni Sir James sa gabi ding iyon. Kahit papano, may excitement din akong nadama.
Nasa gate pa lang ako ng campus nung may tumapik sa balikat ko. Si Ricky. At sadya palang hinintay ako para tanungin kong may alam na ba ako sa isang video clip na tinagurian nilang “mother of all scandals” na umiikot sa campus simula pa nung isang araw.
“Asus... pati ba naman ikaw e, nakikisawsaw sa mga intriga na yan? Kadami-daming may mga video clips jan e. At napakadami na ring scandal dito sa campus na to. Yung iba jan gawa-gawa na lang para may mapag-usapan.”
“Bro, iba to, maniwala ka, magkakainteres ka dito, sigurado ako”
At bakit mo naman nasabi yan, aber?”
“Dahil ang taong involved dito ay malapit sa puso mo.”
“Ha? Sino?” Ramdam ko ang biglang paglakas ng kabog ng dibdib.
“Si Sir James!”
(Itutuloy)
------------------------------
Idol Ko Si Sir (part 8)
Matinding kaba nag naramdaman ko nung marinig sa bibig ni Ricky ang pangalan ni Sir James na syang sentro ng tinaguriang “mother of all scandals”.
“Hah! Panu nangyari yun? At anong ginawa nya? Sinong kasama nya?” ang taranta kong tanung kay Ricky.
“Hinay-hinay lang, pareng Carl. Kaw naman masyado kang excited. Heto, naka-kuha ako ng copy, mejo mainit-init pa. Dun tayo sa may likod ng campus at panuorin natin.”
Nung pini-play na ni Ricky ang video, si Sir James nga ang nandun. Sa bibig nya ay naglabas-masok ang ari ng isang lalaki, ang isang kamay nung lalaki pwersahang dumidiin sa ulo ni Sir James na kaitang-kita ang kalasingan. Pawang ibabang parte lang ng katawan nung lalaki ang nakikita sa video. Halos di ako makapaniwala sa nasaksihan. Yun din ang video clip na gagamitin ko sanang pang-blackmail kay Sir James.
“Shiiiittttt! Paano nangyaring nakalusot yun? Arrrggggghhh!” ang sigaw ng utak kong halos sasabog na sa naghalong inis, matinding takot at pagkalito.
“O, di ba si Sir James yan, klarong-klaro!” Napansin ni Ricky na mejo hindi ako mapakali. “Sandali, bakit para kang namumutla ha, Carl? May alam ka ba dito?”
“Wala ah! E, ngayon ko nga lang nakita yan e. Parang di naman si Sir yan!” Ang tangka ko sanang pagdepensa kay Sir, at pag-iwas na rin sa tanong nya.
“Ano ka? Kahit pagbalik-baliktarin mo pa yan, mukha talaga ni Sir James yan, walang duda. Kahit sino ang tatanungin mo, si Sir James yan. Ano, gusto mong itanong natin sa iba pang kaklase?”
“Wag na! Wag na!” ang mabilis kong tugon dala ng sobrang pagkatakot. “E, yang lalaki, sino naman daw?”
“Eh, maputi e. Ang iniisip ng lahat ay baka ito daw yung dating tsinitsismis nilang na-link kay Sir James, yung dating nagturo din dito na mestiso Chinese, Henry ang pangalan? O, ano, love mo pa rin ba yan?”
Agad-agad akong tumalikod upang bumalik sa apartment. Nagtaka si Ricky sa bigla kong pag-alis. Marahil inisip nya din na nasaktan lang ako. “Saan ka pupunta? May rehearsals pa tayo. Hoy, lalaki lang yan! Tangna… Carl! Magpapakamatay ka na naman ba?” ang may halong pang iinis na sigaw ni Ricky.
“Hindi. May papatayin akong tao!” sagot kung di malaman kung ano ang gagawin.
Biglang bawi naman si Ricky. “Ah… hindi ako yun. Biro lang yung sa akin, hehe. Ga graduate pa ako bukas no! Sige, good luck! Patayin mo sya ng maayos ha?”
Bumalik ako sa apartment at hinanap ang memory card kung saan natandaan kong naka store yung video clip na nalimutan ko na sa tagal at hindi ko rin pala nabura. Ang alam ko, nakasaksak iyon sa luma kong cp. Nung tingnan ko ang cp wala na doon ang memory card. Naalala kong huling pinaayos yung lumang cp na iyon at malamang na tinanggal yung memory card at nalimutang ibalik. At nung mapansing may lamang scandal material, kinopya na at ibinenta sa mga intrigerong gutom sa tsismis.
Bigla akong nanlumo, pinagpapawisan at pakiwari koy umiikot ang paligid sa sobrang inis at galit sa sariling kapalpakan habang awa at pagkahabag naman ang nadarama para kay Sir James. Iniisip kong puntahan ang shop at kumprontahin ang may-ari subalit nangibabaw ang takot na baka lalong lalaki ang issue at mapagdudahan nilang ako ang lalaking nasa video. “Malamang di na nila natatandaan kung sino ang may ari nung memory card na iyon dahil sa tagal na nun” sa isip isip ko lang.
Agad akong bumalik ng campus at hinanap si Sir James. Ngunit hindi pa raw nakapagreport sa office sa araw na iyon. Tinanong ko na rin pati ang gwardiya at lahat sila nagsabi na hindi pa raw pumasok ng school si Sir James.
Pinuntahan ko ang flat nya. Kumatok ako at nabigla nung nandun lang pala sya, naka t-shirt at shorts, nagligpit ng mga gamit na para bang aalis na at sa tingin koy wala nang balak magreport pa sa work.
“James... ba’t hindi ka pumasok?”
Binitiwan lang nya ang isang pilit na ngiti, “Tinanggal na ako sa work, Carl. Kahapon ko natanggap ang notice at ang effectivity ay ngayon. At siguro naman ay alam mo na rin ang dahilan.”
Nanginginig ako sa magkahalong sobrang pagkadismaya at awa sa kanya sa narinig. “Oo alam ko yung sa tape. At bakit ang bilis naman nilang maghusga? Ni hindi man lang nila pinatapos ang closing ng school period o graduation man lang? It’s unfair!” sigaw kong pagrerebelde sa naging decision ng school.
“Wala tayong magawa, Carl, ganyan sila kahigpit...” Napahinto si Sir James na parang pigil ang sariling ilabas ang naramdaman. “Pero, ok lang. I have accepted it dahil totoo naman eh. Yesterday I was invited by the school director to her office and she asked me just one question – whether it was me in the video or not.”
“And you admitted it?”
“Yes, Carl... yes.” Ang mapagkumbaba at walang pagdadalawang isip na sagot nya.
“Di ba walang due process ang daliang pagtanggal nila sa iyo?”
“Mabuti na rin ang ganun, Carl. Prolonging the process could be tormenting; investigations will be made and things could get out of hand.” Tumingin sya sa kain “At pati ikaw, madamay. I believe that the management did a good job in addressing the case. They acted swiftly, I was spared from extreme embarrassment and the agony of facing a series of panel interrogations, and the school was spared too from being dragged down further into the mud. Kumbaga, they cut, and cut it clean.”
“Hindi ka man lang at least nag explain sa side mo?”
“What for...? And besides, there’s nothing to explain, Carl. I accepted responsibility and that’s it. May ginawa o nagawa akong mali, hindi ko itinatwa yun and I acknowledged my mistakes. Masakit, pero you reap what you sow, diba? Sabi ng iba, it’s karma. And I believe it. I deserve the punishment. At harapin ko ang punishment na iyan ng buong tapang dahil it’s what makes me a man. At dapat kong paninindigan ang pagharap sa consequence. Importante yun para sa akin. Kapag ang isang tao ay walang paninidigan, o kayay tinatakbuhan ang responsibility sa mga maling nagawa, balewala na rin ang pagkatao nya. Gaano man ka hirap o kasakit ang punishment sa ngawang pagkakamali basta pinanindigan ang pagharap nito, buo pa rin ang pagkatao ng isang tao at hindi mawawala ang respeto nya sa sarili at ng ibang tao sa kanya. It hurts, of course and it requires a great amount of courage and fortitude but ganun talaga, ‘truth sometimes hurts’. Magpakalalaki ka lang. And for me, I would rather look at the bright side. And it’s that the truth will set me free. At least nabayaran ko na ang pagkakasala ko at maluwag ang kalooban. At...” sabay hawak nya ng balikat ko “kagaya mo, isasara ko na rin ang kabanata ng buhay ko sa school na to, babangon muli, at bubuksan ang panibagong yugto ng hamon at pagsubok.”
Malalim ang mga katagang binitiwan ni Sir James. At nararamdaman ko rin ang iba pa nyang saloobin lalo na sa sinabi nyang panibagong hamon dahil sa nasa ganung sitwasyon din ako at ganun ang nadarama. Ang kaibahan lang siguro sa akin ay ang haharap ako sa panibagong pagsubok na puno ng pag aalinlangan at takot. Lalo akong humanga sa ipinamalas na tapang ni Sir James at sa paninindigan nya. Ang pagdepensa at pag protekta nya sa akin at ang positibo nyang pananaw sa kabila ng matinding daguk na kinakaharap.
“Napakabuti niya. Hanggang sa huli, kapakanan pa rin ng ibang tao ang iniisip. Ako kaya... kaya ko kayang pantayan ang paninidigan nya; ang tanggapin ang pagkakamali at harapin ang kaakibat na ‘punishment’? Paanu ko kaya maramdaman ang sinasabi nyang ‘the truth will set you free’?” Ito ang matinding mga katanungang nagpaantig sa puso at isipan ko.
Hindi ko na magawa pang magsalita. Nilapitan ko si Sir James, niyakap ng mahigpit at humagulgol na parang bata. “James, patawarin mo ako, patawarin mo ako. Hindi ko alam kung paano ako makaganti sa kabutihan mo. Utang ko sa iyo ang lahat. Sa kabila ng mga kapalpakan ko, heto, ni hindi ka man lang nagpakita ng galit sa akin at bagkus, ikaw pa itong nagdurusa sa mga kasalanan ko.”
Hinaplos nya ang balikat ko. “Alam ko namang di mo sinadyang ikalat yung video clip e. Kaya walang dahilan para magalit ako sa iyo. Don’t cry over spilled milk; wala na tayong magagawa sa mga nangyari na. Ang magandang gawin na lang natin is to learn from this experience. Ang mga kamalian at sakit na dulot nun ay dapat kalimutan ngunit palaging tandaan ang mga naging leksyon nito sa buhay. Dahil jan sa mga pagkakamali natin tayo natututo, naging matatag. Higit sa lahat, naniwala ako na ang lahat ng mga pangyayari ay may dahilan...”
Tinitigan ko si Sir James. Binitawan nya ang isang ngiting animoy nang-aamo at bakas sa mukha ang katatagan, paninindigan at katapangan.
“Go Carl, hinihintay ka na sa rehearsals. Tomorrow is your big day. Enjoy it and make everyone proud of you. Kahit hindi ako makapunta, isipin mo palagi na ang mga ginagawa ko ay para sa iyo. And I am so proud of what you have achieved and made of yourself. Wag mo akong intindihin. Maaring naharap ako ngayong sa matinding pagsubok, ngunit tatayo ulit ako, mas determinado, mas matatag, at mas handang humarap sa mas malalaki pang pagsubok.”
Hinalikan ko ang isang pisngi ni Sir at dali-dali na akong bumalik ng school, mabigat ang damdamin ngunit baon-baon ang malalalim na aral na natututunan mula sa kanya.
Hindi na natuloy ang takda sana naming pagkikita ni Sir James sa gabi ng araw na iyon. Pinayuhan nya ako na mas makakabuti iyon para wag akong madamay at wag nang lalala pa ang issue lalo na kapag may nakakakitang pumunta ako sa flat nya. Kahit masakit sa kalooban at ang isip ay nag alinlangan, sinunod ko rin ang payo nya kahit sa kabila ng katotohanang maaring yun na ang huli naming pagkikita. Napag alaman ko na sa araw ng graduation ay aalis sya, hindi sinabi kung saan. Sa gabing iyon, hindi ako makatulog at si Sir James lang ang laman ng isip. Parang kumakawala ang puso ko at sumisigaw na puntahan sya at damayan. Ngunit nanaig din ang takot na baka hindi makatulong ang pagsuway ko sa payo nya, at lalong malagay kaming dalawa sa alanganin.
“Ano na kaya ang ginagawa nya ngayon? Paano kaya ako makabawi sa lahat ng ginawa nyang kabutihan? Kailan kaya kami magkikita muli?” Ito ang mga katanungang bumabagabag sa isipan.
Araw ng graduation, perfect ang lahat – program, set-up ng lugar, stage decorations at ang mga bulaklak na nagsilbing palamuti, backdrop, coordinations ng mga taong naka-assign sa iba’t-ibang kumite, atbp. Nandun din ang lahat ng mga teachers. Well, halos lahat. Sumipot lahat ang mga guests, ang mga madre sa congregation na may hawak ng school. Higit sa lahat, full force ang mga ga-graduate sampu ng kanilang mga magulang. Ramdam ko ang saya sa puso nilang lahat. At sigurado ako, proud na proud sila, pati na rin ang mga magulang nila.
Ngunit sa lahat gumraduate, ako ang pinakaproud, at ang mom ko ang pinaka-proud na magulang sa lahat. Nalala ko na simula pa nung bata, wala akong natatandaang achievement sa school kung hindi ang puro pagpapahirap sa kanya, pagpupunta nya sa guidance coucilor o sa principal dahil sa pambubugbog ko sa kaklase o sa iba’t-ibang mga kalokohang ginagawa. Alam ko, abot-langit ang kagalakang nadama ng mom ko sa sandaling iyon. Sa unang pagkakataon sa buhay ko, nun ko lang sya nabigyan ng karangalan, at sulit naman. At dama ko yun sa mga nakakabinging palakpakan ng mga tao sa pagtawag na ng aking pangalan, “Mr. Carl Miller, Summa Cum Laude!” At paulit-ulit ko pang tinamasa yun sa pabalik-balik kong pag akyat ng stage upang tanggapin ang iba’t-iba pang awards. Pakiramdam ko, ako lang ang nag-iisang gumraduate dahil ang lahat ng atensyon ay nakatutok sa akin.
Nung magbigay ako ng speech, sinabi ko kung ano ang naramdaman sa mga sandaling iyon at ano ang mga dapat pang gawin naming mga graduates pagkatapos matanggap ang mga diploma. Binigyang inspirasyon ko silang lahat sa pag emphasize sa mga katagang “katatagan” “determinasyon” at mga “hamon” sa buhay.
Sa kalagitnaan ng speech, hindi ko maatim na hindi lingunin ang isang upuang nabakante sa side ng mga administrators. Napahinto ako sandali at tila isang sibat ang tumama sa puso nung bigla na lang nag-flash sa isipan ang nang-aamung ngiting huli kong nakita sa mukha ni Sir James. At ang nasambit na lang ng isip ko, “Sir, para sa iyo ang lahat ng ito; kung hindi dahil sa iyo, wala sana ako ngayon dito.” Naalala ko ang kabaitan nya, at ang paghihirap sa kaparusahang dapat ay ako ang umako at magdusa. Habang tinatamasa ko ang tagumapay, matinding dagok naman ang kanyang pinagdusahan.
Pilit kong nilabanan ang pagdaloy ng luha. Nag-crack ang boses ko habang ipinagpatuloy ang speech. Ang buong akala ng lahat ay nadala ako sa sobrang kaligayahan sa nakamit na tagumpay. Nung matapos na ang talumpati ko, nakakabingi ang palakpak ng mga tao.
Nakababa na ako ng dalawang baitang sa hagdanan ng stage pabalik na sana ng upuan nung tila hinila ako ng mga sariling paa upang bumalik ulit sa podium. Nagtaka ang lahat sa bigla kong pagharap muli sa mikropono.
“A...” Ang nasambit ko lang, di malaman kung panu simulan habang ramdam ko ang malakas na kabog ng dibdib, nag-aatubili kung itutuloy pa ang pagsasalita o hindi na lang, lalo na nung makita ang audience na dahil sa hindi inaasahang pagbalik sa podium, lahat sila ay nakatutok, excited sa kung ano man yung importante ko pang sabihin.
Nakakabingi ang katahimikan. Sumiksik sa isipan ko ang mga katagang binitiwan ni sir James, “Kapag ang isang tao ay walang panindigan, o kaya’y tinatakbuhan ang responsibility sa maling nagawa, balewala na rin ang pagkatao nya.”
“I just would like to add a few words. I haven’t prepared this one but something in my heart tells me that I must share this...”
Huminto ako ng sandali, nag-isip kung ano ang isusunod.
“Everyone knows that I came from the big city. I grew up there and was used to the ways of hustles and bustles. Since I can remember, I have always been a huge headache to my mom and to everyone in every school I enrolled in. I was stubborn and stupid and carefree and misbehaved. I was hooked in cigarettes, alcohol, and drugs. I experienced getting jailed and kicked out from school several times... I was practically a lost person. Because of that, Mom decided to transfer me here, ‘for a change’ she said, although at the backseat of my mind I knew that it was for something else. And this something else was to change me for the better. This change I called ‘rehabilitation.’”
Tawanan ang audience sa term na ginamit ko, at yung iba ay napatingin sa mom ko na natawa na rin.
“From the very first day of my stay in this school, I never really believed that there was any difference; and neither did I believe that the nuns or any teacher in this school could deliver the ‘change’ that my mom wanted in me. In fact, when I saw the idyllic campus for the first time, my mind screamed that the place was so good I could organize a gangster or some kind of a mafia with me as the boss and the nuns as the mafiosos.”
Tawanan, palakpakan ang lahat.
“You can just imagine how hopeless my case was. I believed that everything in this world has its corresponding price; money that is, just like the shoes that are being displayed in supermarket stalls. And every single one of us has our own asking price too, just waiting to be named. So whatever Carl wants, Carl gets. At least, that’s how I looked at life. But... all that changed when –”
Napahinto ako sa pag aanticipate sa maaring reaction nila sa susunod kong sasabihin.
“I met Mr. James Cruz, my professor in Sociology.” Ang dugtong kong nag-crack na ang boses at pilit nilabanan ang tuloy-tuloy na pagdaloy ng emosyon.
(Itutuloy)
---------------------------------------
Idol Ko Si Sir (part 9)
“When I first met Professor James Cruz, I thought he was no different. I was wrong. He is one teacher whose dedication to duty goes beyond addressing the so-called intellectual sine qua non of his students. He understood my world and led me to see life from different viewpoints. With him, I learned the value of discipline, sacrifice, and fair play. With him I learned the true meaning of happiness, peace of mind, and inner satisfaction. With him, I regained my dignity and self-respect. And here I am a changed man, a living testament to his commitment. For the first time in my life, I have become truly proud of myself. For the first time in my life, I have made my mom the happiest person on earth. And there’s no doubt in my mind that many other graduates and students of this school feel the same way too; graduates and students like me with whose lives Professor Cruz had touched...” Tuluyan nang tumulo ang luha ko at nakita ko ang iba pang mga estudyanteng nagpapahid din ng luha.
“But recently things have turned out terribly bad for Professor Cruz. He had been hounded by a very serious controversy which has resulted to his expulsion from school. Many of us are aware of this, and many have been affected by what had happened. And although no one could tell for certain what real story that video clip holds behind it, Professor Cruz took full responsibility and accepted the punishment. It was so humbling, but yet so unfair on his part. This is the very reason why I decided to bring this matter up here – because there is another side of truth that only I know; the other part of the story which deserves to be unraveled if only to clear all air of doubts.
I remember the words Professor Cruz had said to me, ‘If you can’t stand by what you believe in or if you turn your back from the consequence of your misdeeds, you are worth nothing’. It breaks my heart to be here savoring the sweetness of success while the very person – innocent of any accusations and instrumental in all my triumphs – grieves in silence.”
Natahimik ako ng sandali, nag atubili sa susunod na kasuklam-suklam na mga katagang ibubunyag habang pinapahid ng mga kamay ang luhang patuloy na dumadaloy sa pisngi.
“I am the other guy in the video.” ang tuluyan ko nang pagbulalas sa tinatago-tagong sikreto, ang boses ay halos di maintindihan dahil sa pigil na pag-iyak.
May narinig kaagad akong nag-boo at pansin sa mga mukha ng iba ang pagka-mangha, ang iba ay nagbubulungan.
“Yes, I am. I tricked Professor Cruz into drinking and when drunk, I forced him to do it on me. I recorded it without his knowledge so I could use the clip to blackmail him in case he didn’t give me a passing grade. But all my plans backfired. Instead, I realized how wicked I was… until the video clip made its way to some unscrupulous hands wrecking havoc on the dignity of the very person whom I learned to admire and idolize.”
Patuloy pa ring nag-boo ang ibang mga estudyante habang ang iba naman ay patuloy ding nagpapahid ng luha.
“I know that no amount of remorse could repair the damage I’ve made. And I take full responsibility for everything. I am deeply sorry to have caused pain and suffering to all those affected by my wrongdoing and lack of heart, especially our beloved Professor Cruz. I am the one who should be punished; I am the one who should be there suffering in his stead. I know that I have breached propriety by dragging Professor Cruz’s name into this solemn occasion. But this very school has also imbibed in me the value of truth and justice. And my heart aggrievedly screams justice for Professor Cruz. He is NOT the villain; I am. He is the victim and the aggrieved, and I am the scoundrel... and I deserve all your wraths!”
Nilingon ko ang upuan ng mga administrators at nakita sa mga mukha nila ang pigil na pagka-inis sa mga binitiwan kong salita.
“But all that I fervently hope is that the administrators of this school find compassion and understanding in their hearts to forgive Professor Cruz and reinstate him back to his job. I humbly ask you: punish me, or give back the dignity of Professor Cruz!”
Para akong natulala, hindi makapaniwala sa mga nasabi at halos mapako na sa pagkakatayo sa harap ng podium. Maya-maya, may narinig akong isang mahinang palakpak, at may sumunod pa, at lumakas ito, at may mga sumunod pa ulit, hanggang sa nakakabingi na ang mga palakpakan.
Nagsitayuan ang mga estudyante, nagsigawan, “We want Sir James back! We want Sir James back! We want Sir James back!” Tiningnan ko ang mom ko, tumayo na rin sya at nagsunuran ang iba pang mga magulang. Nakita kong nagpapahid sya ng luha ngunit dama ko ang matatag nyang suporta at pagmamalaki sa panindigang binitiwan ko.
Natapos ang graduation na di maipaliwanag ang tunay na naramdaman sa nangyari. Habang kitang-kita ko sa mukha ng mga graduates ang saya, kabaligtaran naman ang naramdaman ko. Tila biglang naglaho lahat ang excitement at ang pumalit ay pangamba, lungkot, pag-aalinlangan at pagkalito sa kung ano ang maaaring takbo ng buhay kinabukasan o sa susunod pang mga araw; kung saan ako patungo o paano magsimula. Nung umandar na ang sasakyang dala ng mom patungong apartment, walang tigil pa rin sa katatanong ang isipan. “Ano ang sunod kong gagawin? Magkita pa kaya kami ng mga kaklase at kaibigan ko? At si Sir James kaya, saan na sya? Magkita pa kaya kami ulit?”
Walang imik ang mom habang nagpapatakbo ng sasakyan. Marahil ay batid nya ang saloobin ko lalo na sa nangyaring nakakamanghang pagbunyag – sa mismong graduation ko pa man din – sa ginawa kong eskandalo na syang naging dahilan ng pagpapatalsik kay Sir James.
Ilang sandali lang nag-stay ang mom sa apartment ko. Tiningnan lang nya ito at dumeretso na kaming dalawa sa pinaka-sikat at mamahaling restaurant sa kalapit-syudad at doo’y nagsalo-salo. Dama ko ang sobrang tuwa na naramdaman nya para sa akin, sa mga nakita nyang pagbabago at sa nakamit na karangalan. Ngunit ipinaabot din nya ang lungkot sa nangyari kay Sir James.
Pinag-usapan din namin ang mga plano ko. Nag-suggest sya na mag proceed ako ng master’s degree o tumulong na lang sa pagma-manage ng negosyo namin.
Ngunit naging blangko ang isip ko at walang maisagot sa kanya. “Mom, can I think it over please? I need sometime to figure things out. Naguguluhan pa ako e... I think I need to sort out the mess which I created with Sir James.”
Pinagbigyan naman nya ako at pinaubaya na ang pagdedesisyon para sa sarili. Ngunit hindi rin nakalampas sa kanya ang intriga tungkol sa amin ni Sir James at sa maaaring parusang ibigay ng eskwelahan sa akin.
Nagulat nalang ako nung tinitigan nya ako at tinanong. “Son, ano ba talaga ang nararamdaman mo para kay Professor James Cruz? It’s like something strange is going on. I mean, I’m sorry to open this issue but I am a little worried...”
Ramdam ko ang pamumula ng mukha ko, maaaring dala ng hiya dahil sa di maipaliwanag na saloobin. Ang sagot ko nalang na di makatingin-tingin sa kanya, kunyari naka-concentrate sa pagsubo ng pagkain “Mom, there’s nothing strange, believe me. I know what you mean... I’m not gay, ok?”
“Well, then I’m glad you say that. Remember, gustong-gusto ko nang magkaroon ng apo, son… at sana malapit na iyon” sabay ngiti at haplos sa pisngi ko.
“Of course Mom, yeah...” Parang may tumama din sa puso ko sa sinasabi ng mom na gusto nyang magkaapo, at syempre ang magkaroon ako ng isang normal na pamilya ang ibig nyang sabihin. Ngunit pinalagpas ko na lang yun sa kabilang tainga. “Doon naman talaga ako patungo e” bulong ko sa sarili.
Ngunit nung biglang pumasok na naman sa isipan ko si Sir James. “Ah... ewan ko ba talaga. Bahala na!” sagot naman ng isang parte ng utak kong natuliro.
“OK then, when you have finally made up your mind, tell me, son. Sana ikaw na ang mag manage sa negosyo natin para naman makapag-retire na ako.” sabi nyang pabiro sabay tawa. “Ngunit kung ano man ang gusto mong gawin pa sa buhay, I’ll be right behind you. Bata ka pa rin naman, you can take your time and enjoy.”
Naunang bumalik ng syudad ang mom at nagpaiwan muna ako sa apartment dala ng paghahanap pa rin marahil sa dating mga nakagawian. Nung sumapit ang gabi, nababagot akong di mapakali. Sumudot-sundot sa isipan ang di mamatay-matay na naramdaman para kay Sir James. Nasumpungan ko nalang na pumunta sa flat niya. “Bahala na kung ano ang sasabihin ng mga tao kung sakaling makita man nila ako dun. Tutal, tinanggal na nila si Sir James sa school, ano pa bang pwedi nilang gawin?” sabi ko sa sarili.
Ngunit wala na pala dun si Sir James, nakaalis isang araw na ang nakalipas at walang makapagsabi kung saan nagpunta. Pinigilan ko ang sariling lumuha, hindi malaman kung saan dideretso at kung anong gagawing pag-aliw sa sarili. Tinawagan ko si Ricky para sana may makausap at maging karamay. Ngunit umuwi na rin pala siya sa lugar nila pagkatapos na pagkatapos kaagad ng graduation. Feeling ko nag-iisa na lang ako sa mundo. Pumunta na lang ako ng bar at doon sinarili ang matinding kalungkutan, hanggang sa malasing.
Kinaumagahan, nag-pack-up ako ng konting gamit, hindi tiyak sa gagawin at kung saan patungo. “Siguro naman, ngayong tapos na ako ng pag-aaral, problema na ng puso ang hahanapan ko ng lunas upang makalaya na akong tuluyan...” at binitiwan ang malalim na buntung-hininga.
Pumasok bigla sa isipan na puntahan sina Tatay Nando sa bukid. “Baka nandun si Sir James o kaya’y alam nila kung saan sya nagpunta.” sigaw ng utak ko.
Nakarating nga ako kina Tatay Nando. Lahat sila ay sumalubong sa akin: Nanay Narsing, Maritess, Anton, Dodong, Clara at si Letecia. Kumpleto silang lahat.
“Carl, napadayo ka!” sigaw ni Tatay Nando.
“Opo, tapos na kasi ang pasukan at graduate na po ako... at malamang babalik na rin sa malaking syudad pagkagaling dito. Nagpunta lang po ako upang magpaalam.” ang sabi kong malungkot ang tono ng pagsasalita. “Heto pala Tay, may biniling mga pasalubong ang mommy para sa inyong lahat”
Inilabas ko ang isang malaking bag ng mga damit, shirts, sapatos, at pantalon. “At alam nyo po, nag-offer ang mommy na sya na ang magpapaaral kay Maritess at Anton sa darating na pasukan, at pati na rin kina Dodong, Clara at Letecia pag nagka-college na sila. Bibisita daw po sya dito isang araw para po makilala kayo at pati na rin ang lahat ng mga kinakapatid ko dito.”
“Talaga, Carl? A, e... hindi ba nakakahiya? Narsing! Narsing! Papag-aralin daw ng mommy ni Carl sina Maritess at Anton!” ang buong kagalakang hindi magkamayaw na pagbalita ni Tatay Nando habang narinig ko namang nagsisigaw at naglulundag sa tuwa sina Maritess at Anton pagkarinig sa sinabi ng ama.
“Salamat naman Carl at hindi na namin po-problemahin ang panggastos sa pagpapaaral sa kanila. Si Anton talaga ay hindi na muna nag-aral ng College yan para lang matustusan namin si Maritess. Tinutulungan pa nga kami ni James sa mga gastusin, e. Hiyang-hiya na ako kay James. Kaya maraming-maraming salamat!” ang sagot ng halos halos mangiyakngiyak na si Tatay Nando. “Halika, dito tayo sa loob ng bahay. Kumain ka muna. Tapos na kaming lahat kumain ngunit sasabayan na kita. A... Anton!” sabay lingon kay Anton “Maglagay ka ng tuba sa pitsel! Mag-inuman kami ni Carl! At sumali ka na rin sa amin dito. Narsing!” tawag naman nya kay Nanay, “maghain ka at kakain kami ni Carl!”
“Tamang-tama po, Tay at ako po’y gutom na gutom na. Na-miss ko na rin po talaga ang mga luto ni Nanay Narsing.” sabi ko habang iniikot ang mga mata sa paligid nagbakasakaling makita si Sir James.
“Tamang-tama, maya-maya lang siguro darating na si James at makakasalo din natin sa pagkain.”
Biglang kumabog ng malakas ang dibdib ko sa sobrang galak sa narinig. Ngunit di ako nagpahalata. “Nandito po si Sir James Tay? Saan po ba sya nagpunta?”
“Kay Kapitan. May plano syang gumawa ng project dito at nag-usap sila ngayon. Maganda ang naisip nyang proyekto, siguradong makakatulong sa buong baranggay. Bilib talaga ako sa batang yan, Carl! Magaling sa ano mang bagay. Napakabait pa. Nagtaka nga lang kami kung bakit napaaga ang uwi. Ang alam namin may graduation pa sa school eh. Pero sinabi na rin nya ang dahilan...”
“Talaga po? Alam nyo na po ang nangyari? Hindi po ba sya galit sa akin?”
“Hindi. Hindi… Mabait ang batang iyan, Carl.” ang maiksing tugon nya.
Tamang-tama ngang dumating si Sir James nung maihain na ni Nanay Narsing sa hapag kainan ang mga pagkain. Abot-tenga ang ngiti at hindi man lang na-sorpresa nung makita ako. Para akong na-hypnotized at lumutang sa ulap sa sobrang kaligayahan.
“Ey Carl! Naligaw ka yata ng pupuntahan. Sigurado ka bang dito talaga ang pakay mo?” Ang pabiro nyang sabi sabay kamay sa akin.
Tinanggap ko ang shakehand nya. Nagpapawis kaagad ang kamay ko at nakakabingi ang kalampag ng dibdib sa sobrang excitement sa mainit na pagtanggap nya sa akin. Sumigaw ang puso kong yakapin sya ngunit naunahan na ako ng hiya.
“Ok naman ako, James, kaw? Balita ko may project ka raw na gagawin dito?”
“Oo. Magpapagawa ako ng isang classroom, non-formal education para maturuang magsulat at magbasa ang mga Nanay at Tatay, pati na rin ang mga binata’t dalaga dito na hindi nakapag-aral. Ang layo-layo kasi ng lugar na ito sa paaralan at maraming hindi na nakapag-aral dahil sa layo. Kahit papano sa project na to, matulungan ko din sila...”
“Walang sweldo?” ang bilis kong tanong.
“Wala... tulong nga e.”
“E, panu ka kikita? Ang mga pangangailangan mo?”
“Yan ang challenge, Carl. Jan dapat paganahin ko ang utak ko.” Tumawa sya. “Di ba sabi ko sa iyo, mabubuhay ako kahit saan. I am not afraid to take challenges. The bigger and the more difficult the challenge, the better and the bigger are the rewards. Kailangan lang ay sipag, tyaga, determinasyon, at paniniwalang makamit mo ang goal mo. Pag pumalpak, e di simula nalang ulit...”
“Grabe ka talaga, James. Hindi ka nauubusan ng magagandang ideas! E... Kung tutulungan kaya kita?”
“Wag na baka mamalasin na naman ako.” ang casual nyang sagot sabay bitiw ng napakalutong na halakhak.
Tumawa na rin ang lahat.
“No, seriously, I can help you. My mom is thinking of a charity project for this baranggay and she’s having some problems trying to figure out what it is and how to get it started. Alam mo kasi, malaki ang pasalamat nya kina Tatay Nando, ng pamilya nya at sa mga tao dito sa pagtulong sa akin. She wants to return the help to everyone. In fact, she wants to meet you too, and thank you personally.”
“Wow! At may instant sponsor na kaagad ako!” ang masayang sambit ni Sir. “Ang swerte ko rin naman pala, kahit papano dito kay Carl...”
Parang may sumundot sa puso ko sa narinig na iyon.
“Nahihiya nga ako sa iyo, eh... sa malaking kasalanan ko” ang seryoso kong sabi. “Pero babawi din ako sa iyo, James, promise.”
Hindi na sya sumagot. Binitiwan lang ang isang nakakabighaning titig.
Ewan ko ba ngunit pakiramdam ko, kahit mga limang segundo lang syang tumitig sa akin, parang isang buong oras na nya akong tinitigan, at animoy yelo akong unti-unting natutunaw. Parang may halong kasabikan din ang mga titig nya, nakikipag-usap at nagtatanong.
At namalayan ko na lang ang pagtapik nya sa balikat ko. “Ey! Nandito ka pa ba? Lumilipad yata ang isip mo ah! Tingnan mo, namumula na naman ang mukha mo. Lalo ka tuloy pumogi, naiinsecure na ako sa iyo e!” Sinasampal-sampal nya ang mukha ko na parang gigil na gigil at sabik na sabik sa akin. “Biro lang... ito naman, di na mabiro e.”
Tawanan kaming lahat.
Nag-inuman nga kami, ako, si Tatay Nando, si James at si Anton. Coconut wine na ang tawag ay tuba, at tagay system. Kwentuhan, biruan, ini-experience ang pagtakbo ng oras na walang hinahabol, walang iniisip na deadline, ini-enjoy ang preskong hangin, ang mga berdeng tanawin, ang ingay ng mga ibon at nagkikiskisang dahon ng mga kahoy at halaman habang nalalanghap naman ang bango ng binabarbecueng manok at inihaw na mais nina Anton at Maritess. Nakikisali na rin sa umpukan sina Nanay Narsing at iba pang mga anak nila.
Napakasaya ko sa mga oras na iyon.
Gabi na nung matapos kami, mejo lasing na ang lahat. At dahil pinigilan ako ni Tatay Nando’ng bumalik sa apartment ko, doon na rin ako natulog.
“O, James, bahala ka na kay Carl ha? Wala tayong ibang kwarto. Malilit ang kwarto ni Anton at kasama pa nya doon si Dodong. Kaya sama nalang kayo ni Carl?” tanong ni Tatay Nando kay Sir James.
“Opo, Tay, walang problema. Ako nang bahala dito” ang may pag-aalangang sagot ni Sir sabay tingin sa akin.
Walang magawa si Sir James kundi ang maglatag ng banig sa kwarto nya para sa aming dalawa. Naglagay din sya ng mosquito net dahil marami daw lamok sa gabi at shorts lang ang suot nya sa pag tulog. Single lang ang mosquito net nya, wala na daw mahagilap na iba pa. Bago kami nahiga, naligo muna sya at pagkatapos ay ako naman. Dahil wala akong dalang shorts, pinahiram na rin nya ako. Naalala ko na naman ang huling pagkakataon na natulog kaming magkatabi sa flat nya. Lasing na lasing ako nuon, pinunasan nya buong katawan ko at pinasuot ng shorts nya.
May kilig at kiliting sumundot sa akin. “Hmmm, sana nagpakalasing na lang ako para punasan nya na naman ang buong katawan ko...” sambit ng utak kong malisyoso.
Pareho kaming naka-shorts lang. Nung mahiga, walang imikan. Nakaka-bagot ang katahimikan. Pakiramdaman, hindi ko alam kung anong posisyon ako hihiga. Nanjan yung tatagilid, titihaya, dadapa... Ngunit wala pa ring kibo si Sir kahit na paminsan minsan, ang balat namin ay nagdidikit at ang paa ko sa kapipiglas ay nasasagi sa paa nya.
Sa lapit namin sa isa’t-isa, nalalanghap ko ang amoy ng katawan nya at ang presko nyang hininga. At dahil sa patay ang ilaw, pilit kong inaaninag ang posisyon nya sa pagtulog. Nakatihaya lang, ang isang braso ay nakapatong sa ulo. Alam ko, gising pa sya at nagmamanman sa mga kilos ko, naghihintay kung ano ang susunod na mangyari. Sumisigaw ang isip na ipatong ang kamay ko sa dibdib nya o kaya’y hablutin ang katawan nya at yakapin ng mahigpit. Ngunit natakot din akong baka magalit sya o kaya’y mapahiya ako’t iwaksi ang kamay.
Maya-maya tumagilid na lang ako paharap sa kanya, nag-isip kung ano ang gagawin para mabiyak ang pakikiramdaman namin sa isa’t-isa.
”I-patong ko kaya ang hita ko sa hita nya? O... yung binti ko nalang sa binti nya, kunyari di ko sinasadya? Ah... bahala na. Bugbugin man nya ako, ok lang. Gagawin ko na talaga to” pag-udyok ng utak ko.
Palakas ng palakas ang kabog ng dibdib habang ang utak ko naman ay nagbibilang, “Isa, dalawa, tatlo... Ummpptt!” Ang pagpigil ko sa sariling wag gagawa ng ingay. Unti-unti kong inangat ang paa ko at dahan-dahang ipinatong iyon sa mismong umbok ng harapan nya.
(Itutuloy)
-----------------------------
Idol Ko Si Sir (part 10)
Madilim ang kwarto, malakas ang kabog ng dibdib sa naghalong kaba at excitement. Dahan-dahang dumampi ang hita ko sa harapan nya. Nakiramdam ako. Hindi sya kumibo, hindi kumilos, hindi man lang tinapik iyon. Pinabayaan lang nya ito. Dama ko ang umbok ng pagkalalaki niya at lalong bumilis at lumakas ang kabog ng dibdib ko.
Ilang sandali din ang lumipas at hindi pa rin sya kumilos. Natuyu ang lalamunan ko sa di maipapaliwanag ang naramdaman sa pag-antabay sa maaring sunod na mangyari. Napalunok ako ng sariling laway, tuliro ang utak, nag-isip kung galawin ang hitang nakapatong o idiin yun. Kinikilig, nakikiliti at nag-iinit ang aking katawan.
Lumakas ang loob ko sa pagbale-wala nya sa ginawa ko. Ipinatong ko na rin ang isang kamay sa dibdib nya at iniusog ang katawan, ang bibig ko ay halos madikit na sa tenga nya. Naaamoy ko ang shampoong ginamit nya sa pagligo nung gabing iyon. Nanatili syang walang kibo, hindi gumalaw.
“James... I love you.” Bulong ko.
Tahimik.
“Bakit ka nandito?” Sumagot sya ng pabulong din, seryoso ang tono. Nanatiling hindi sya gumalaw at painabayaan pa rin ang kamay at hita kong nakapatong sa kanya.
“Hindi ako mapakali kung hindi kita nakikita at nakakasama...”
“Bakit?”
“Hindi ko alam. Ang alam ko lang ay hinahanap-hanap kita. Gusto kong nanjan ka palagi sa piling ko.”
“Bakit?”
“Yan ang sinasabi ng puso ko, James... at ikaw ang tinitibok nito.”
“Bakit?”
“Ewan...”
“Paanu kung nagsisinungaling ang puso mo?”
“Hindi ako magsasayang ng oras at panahon sa pagpunta dito kung alam kung hindi totoo ang sinasabi ng puso ko...”
“Bakit mo ako minahal?”
“Dahil iyon ang nararamdaman ko. Ikaw lang ang taong nagpapatino sa akin. Ikaw lang ang alam kong taong iniidolo ko. Ikaw lang ang taong alam na alam ang buong pagkatao ko, ang buhay ko, ang taong nakakaintindi sa akin, ang nagbalik ng tiwala ko sa sarili, at ang nagturo sa akin kung paano tahakin ang buhay sa mabuting paraan. Pangalan mo lang ang isinisigaw ng puso ko. Ikaw lang ang nakapagtitibok at nakapaghihinto nito ng sabay. Pag hindi kita nakita, napakalungkot ng mundo ko, walang kahulugan ang buhay, walang kulay...”
Mejo napangiti ako nung tinanong nya. “Di ba corny?”
“Corny, yeah. And love should be, and OA, and --”
“Stupid.”
“Yeah” ang maagap kong sagot, at sabay naming binitiwan ang pigil na tawa habang nakapatong pa rin ang kamay at hita ko sa kanya.
“Salamat sa pagdepensa mo sa akin sa graduation. I hated you doing it...”
“Bakit”
“Dahil you’ve blown up the issue”
“Yeah, but it straightened the record, case closed.”
“And you’re punished.”
“Yeah. And I don’t care a bit. I don’t need those medals anyway. I need you...”
Tahimik ulit. “Bakit ako ang napili mong mahalin?”
“Hindi ako ang pumili sa iyo, James, puso ko, at di ko alam kung bakit. Yan din ang tinatanong ko.”
“Paano kung mali ang iniudyok ng puso mo?”
“Kung ganun, ayoko nang maging tama pa ito.”
“Nasa alaala ko pa, Carl ang nangyari sa atin... at ang kapahamakang nagawa nito. Gusto mo bang maulit uli yun?
Tahimik. Niyapos ko sya. Idiniin ko ang mukha ko sa ulo nya, ang mga labi ko ay idinampi sa tenga nya. Hindi pa rin sya kumibo. Hinayaan lang nyang magdikit ang mga katawan namin.
“I’m sorry James sa mga nagawa ko. Ngunit mahal kita at handa kong paninindigan ang nararamdaman ko para sa iyo. Iba iyong nangyari sa atin noon James, sinugatan mo ang puso ko at matindi ang galit ko sa iyo sa panahong iyon. At alam mo ding magulo ang buhay ko noon. Nagbago na ako, James... dahil sa iyo.”
“Paanu kung susugatan ko uli ang puso mo?”
“Kung liligaya ka sa gagawin mo, wala akong magawa. Malaki ang kasalanan ko sa iyo. Nagsisi na ako. Ngunit kung kailangan ko pang i-pakita sa iyo kung gaano kalalim ang pagsisisi ko, gagawin ko. Tatanggapin ko kung anu man ang parusang ipapataw mo.”
“Hanggang kailan mo ako pweding mahalin?”
“Walang hangganan.”
“Habang may buhay?”
“Oo”
“Ayaw mo ba magkaroon ng normal na pamumuhay, na may pamilya, asawa, at anak? Ayaw mo bang bigyan ng lubusang kaligayahan ang mommy mo na mabigyan sya ng apo? Ayaw mo bang magkaroon ng anak at ibigay sa kanya ang hindi mo naranasan simula nung ika’y bata pa?”
Hindi ako nakakibo. Sumiksik ulit sa isipan ang huling binitiwang salita ng mommy na gusto nyang magkaroon ng apo. Naalala ko rin ang mga sandaling nahahabag ako sa sarili kapag nakita ang ibang mga bata na may daddy na kalaro o kasama sa pamamasyal.
Nagpatuloy sya. “Kaya mo bang habang namamasyal tayo, titingnan tayo ng mga tao at pagkatapos ay magtitinginan silang may bahid-malisya? Kaya mo bang habang nagsasama tayo sa isang bahay, may mga dadaang tao at titingnan tayong ang turing ay parang mga taga-ibang planeta o hindi normal na mga tao?”
“Kakayanin ko, James.”
Tahimik.
“Anong gusto mong mangyari ngayon?”
“Sana, magsama tayo palagi, gaya ngayon...”
“Hindi mo ba ako tatanungin kung gusto kong magkaroon ng pamilya, ng asawa’t anak... ng isang normal na buhay?”
“Bakit... wala ka bang nararamdaman para sa akin?”
“Magkaiba ang dalawang bagay na yan, Carl; ang magmahal at ang mangarap”
“Bakit, ano ba ang pangarap mo?”
“Ang magkaroon ng pamilya, ng asawa’t anak... ng isang normal na buhay, ng mga supling na nagtatakbuhan at nagkukulitan, na inaalagaan, na binibigyang pansin at mag-aalaga sa aking pagtanda; ang magkaroon ng isang babaeng maging ina nila, na dadamay at katuwang sa buhay. Ikaw ba hindi sumiksik sa isipan ang ganun?”
Parang tinusok ang puso ko sa narinig. Dama ang namumuong luha sa mga mata ko. “Gusto ko rin, syempre. Pero, bata pa tayo, James. Twenty lang ako at ikaw, 25. Kailangan na ba nating magdesisyon sa mga bagay na yan ngayon?” ang sabi kong halatang nasaktan sa sinabi nya.
Hindi pa rin sya kumilos. “Oo, dahil kung gusto mong magtagumpay sa buhay, kailangang may direksyon ka, may plano.”
“Hindi mo ba ako mahal?”
“Bakit mo sisirain ang buhay ko at ko at ang buhay mo? Bakit mo sisirain ang pangarap ko?”
Tuluyan na akong naapektuhan sa diretsahang sinabi nya. Tinanggal ko ang kamay at hitang nakapatong sa kanya bilang pagpapahalata sa di nagustuhang tono ng kanyang pananalita. Tumihaya ako, inilagay ang isang braso sa ibabaw ng aking ulo. “Bakit? Bawal ba ang magmahal ng ganitong klase? Lahat ba ng taong nagmahal ng ganito ay nasisira ang mga buhay nila?” ang sabi kong halata sa tono na nasaktan.
“Hindi.”
“Yun naman pala eh. Bakit ganyan ka kung makapagtanong?”
“Dahil naniniwala ako na ang lahat ng klaseng pagmamahal ay dapat may focus, may target, may direksyon. Hindi lang basta nagmahal ka ngayon at bahala na kung ano ang mangyayari bukas. Naniniwala ako sa pagmamahal na hindi lang puso ang umiiral kung hindi, pati na ang isipan... Ganyan ba ang pagmamahal mo?”
“Hindi ko maintindihan.”
“Give yourself sometime away from me...”
“Bakit?”
“Kung mahal mo pa rin ako after a year kahit malayo ka sa akin, jan ko malalaman na ang pagmamahal mo ay di lang umiiral sa puso...”
“Ba’t di mo nalang sagutin ang tanong ko ngayon? Kung mahal mo rin ba ako.”
“Love is patient... love knows no bounds. Love goes to where it’s meant to be.”
“Mahal mo ba ako?” ang pangungulit ko.
“Do you believe in destiny?”
“What’s the relevance?”
Hindi na sya sumagot. At sumiksik sa isip na talagang hindi nya ako mahal at imposibleng mahalin pa. Iniisip ko na naghanap lang sya ng excuse upang lumayo ako, malimutan sya, at hindi na guguluhin o kukulitin pa. Tuluyan nang dumaloy ang luhang kanina lang ay namumuo sa mga mata. Hinayaan kong bumagsak ang mga ito sa unan, sa papag na hinihigaan.
Hindi na ako kumibo, hindi na kumilos upang hindi mapansin ang paghikbi at hinanakit sa mga sinasabi nya. Pilit kong isiniksik sa isipan na kaya kong labanan ang sakit na nararamdaman, at ang pag-reject nya sa nararamdaman ko. Pilit kong inamo ang sarili na ang lahat ng tagpo namin at mga alala sa kanya ay pawang panaginip at kathang-isip lang.
Tahimik.
Maya-maya, tumagilid sya paharap sa akin. Nagulat na lang ako nung dahan dahan nyang ipinatong ang isang hita nya sa harapan ko at ang isang kamay nya sa dibdib ko. Hindi na ako kumibo. Ini-usog nya ang katawan palapit sa akin, ang bibig ay nakadikit sa tenga ko. Binulungan nya ako, “Carl, I love you. I do... Pero sana naintindihan mo ang sinasabi kong panagarap.”
Niyakap nya ako, mahigpit. Pinunas ng kamay nya ang luha sa pisngi ko. Nghalong saya at pagkalito ang naramdaman sa narinig at sa una nya nang mga nasabi. Akala ko, hindi mo ako mahal. Akala ko – hmmmpp!
Hindi ko na naipagpatuloy pa ang sasabihin nung idinampi nya ang mga labi nya sa labi ko. Nagyakapan kami na animo’y wala nang bukas pang darating, nag-aalab ang pagnanasa sa isa’t-isa. Sa pagkakataong iyon, batid ko ang nilalaman at isinisigaw ng puso niya. Puno ng pagmamahal at pananabik. Para kaming mga batang puslit, walang mga saplot, walang pakialam sa mundo at uhaw na uhaw. At tuluyan nang nagdikit ang aming mga katawan, ang sabay na pagpintig ng aming mga puso, ang pag-iisa ng aming isip at damdamin. Para kaming lumulutang sa ulap. At nang marating na namin ang ruruk ng kaligayahan, di maipaliwanag na kasiyahan ang nadarama. Tinamasa namin ang sarap na iyon ng ilang ulit pa, sa buong magdamag...
Nung humupa na ang pag-aalab ng aming mga katawan. Bumulong sya. “Kung talagang para tayo sa isa’t-isa, layuan mo muna ako, isang taon, walang contact. Kung nandito pa ako sa pagbalik mo… maaring para nga tayo sa isa’t-isa. Ngunit kung sa pagbalik mo’y nakahanap na ako ng babaeng pakasalan, sana matanggap mo rin iyon, ang marating ang sariling pangarap. Ngunit kahit pa mangyari iyon, pangakong hindi kita buburahin sa puso ko.
Tahimik.
Nagpatuloy sya. “Ikaw, maipangako mo ba sa akin na babalik ka, at na kung mahanap ko man ang sariling pangarap, matatanggap mo?”
“Oo. Babalik ako, at ano man ang madadatnan ko sa pagbabalik, tatanggapin ko ito ng buong puso….”
“Salamat Carl. Salamat…” sabay dampi ng mga labi nya sa pisngi ko.
Kinabukasan, lumuwas ako patungo sa malaking syudad, sa bahay ng mom. Yun na ang huli naming pagkikita ni Sir James. Batay sa pinagkasunduan, isang taon ko syang layuan. Walang kasing sakit ang mawalay sa taong mahal. Ngunit tiniis ko ang lahat, maipamalas lang kung gaano kalalim ang pag-ibig ko sa kanya.
Anim na buwan ang nakaraan at wala kaming contact sa isa’t-isa, at di ko na rin alam kung ano na ang nangyari sa kanya, except sa sinabi ng secretary ng mom ko na syang nagmo-monitor sa charity project nila ni Sir James. Successful daw ang implementasyon nito at maganda ang feedback ng mga tao. Na-feature din sila sa iba’t ibang news programs at mga magazines maging sa labas ng bansa. At dahil na rin sa success na natamasa, nakahanap sila ng iba pang mga malalaking sponsors at donors na syang dahilan upang mag-expand at mag-open na rin ng formal school.
Anim na buwan pa ang hihintayin at babalikan ko na ulit ang lugar na iyon upang tutuparin ang isang pangako. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang maging mangyari; kung ganun pa rin ba sya, o may iba nang tinitibok ang puso.
Ngunit ang mahalaga, ay maipamalas ko sa kanya na ang pagmamahal ko ay hindi lang sa puso umiiral. Ano man ang madatnan sa pagbalik, tatanggapin ko ito ng buong tapang, ng buong pang-unawa kahit ito’y nangangahulugan ng katuparan ng pangarap nya sa buhay – ang magkaroon ng sariling pamilya, asawa’t mga supling.
Matatanggap ko ang lahat dahil naintindihan ko na ang ibig sabihin ng sinasabi nyang pangarap. At ito na rin ang pinapangarap ko para sa sarili...
(End of Book 1)
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